By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Over the years I have heard wives express concern for their husband’s leadership skills. They will often admit they allow their better halves to take the lead and he just won’t step up to take the wheel. Of course it causes certain frustrations and results in the wife pulling back her willingness to allow her husband to lead.
I have found that the wife comes to the point she no longer trusts her husband to take charge. And husbands eventually find themselves in a battle for the “Head of Household” title. It also becomes a lot more challenging for a wife to submit to a husband she does not trust to lead. And here is where many couples struggle.
In our communities and as Christians we are taught about submission and the “roles” of husbands as well as wives. While most of us try to adhere to those “roles” many more of us are going against the grain and our households are out of order. Some wives are wearing “the pants” (so to speak) and many husbands are passively taking a step back. However, certain things are just in our nature. Men are born to lead. They are to wear the crown, sit on a throne and be the king of the castle. Women are nurturers, we love being able to take care of and support (emotionally) our families. So if this is the nature and order of things, what’s getting in our way?
A husband is unable to lead if he is not consistently given the opportunity. Consistency may be difficult if there have been previous errors in leadership. How do we excel in any given situation but by practice? Wives, if you believe that your husband always has the best intentions for his family and will not purposely make decisions that will cause irreparable damage, let go and follow. This is especially important for those marriages that may be troubled with leadership tug-of-war.
With two people in a marriage and many duties, including childcare, household and finances, it makes sense to divide the roles. Although there is a clear leader, in many organizations for example, there are support positions that make sure each department runs smoothly. A good leader always needs those necessary people in place to keep the ship afloat i.e. the wife. For those wives who are holding on to the idea of being captain, please know that it is okay to trust your husband’s guidance. Allow yourself to be comforted in the fact that the ship will not sail without you.
How does submission and\or leadership work in your marriage?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
Great comment T. Rogers.
It is not leadership, it is parental involvement, love, guidance, support, encouragement, discipline, understanding, patience, hugs, and giggles that Daddies provide that children are missing. These things are also provided by mothers, grandmothers, aunts, uncles, teachers, siblings, etc. “My definition of a leader . . . is a man who can persuade people to do what they don’t want to do, or do what they’re too lazy to do, and like it.” — Harry S. Truman, 1884-1972, Thirty-third President of the United States. In other words, fathers do not lead children by themselves, mothers are right there with them. And if that is the case, then mothers are more leaders than fathers, as most fathers abdicate their responsibility to Black children and leave it to the mother to be leader, caretaker, disciplinarian, etc.
Men try to take all the credit for leading and doing whatever, when in reality it is women that are doing the leading, men follow and men may be the sargent at arms saying “you heard what yo momma said boy!” Dads are backups not the leaders. MOM decides what child should eat for dinner and when homework should be done and when baths should be taken and how hair should be combed. MOM decides that is enough television, and no you are not getting another xbox game, and your friend cannot come over until you do your chores. MOMs have a vision for their children the second they feel them kick . MOMS push their disabled child to learn to walk, to communicate, to do his or her best in school and life.
Though I agree that Dads are necessary, they are a part of the equation, but I would not say that Dads provide “leadership” to children. And to say that MLK is the way he was is due to his parents, gives him no credit at all. So then if a person has a great upbringing and turns to crime and delinquency and drugs, is that due to parental “leadership” as well? No! Adults have choices and sometimes go in a higher direction than their parents, sometimes lower. But it is not fair to give all the credit to parents and none to us as individuals. Parents lay the foundation, but we build and furnish the house.
you’re proven her point.
Jessica, you are telling it like it is. I wonder why, if women are doing all of this, why people have a problem giving credit where credit is due? Most of the female responders have said that they steer the decisions that are made in their homes the majority of time, so I am confused as to how this makes the man the leader??? I think it’s all in how males and females are socialized from birth.
Miko I think it is ego tripping with the men and women steeped in religion and socialization of gender roles.
Women feel they have to step back for men to ‘feel like the man, even though realistically women are carrying the weight. Women feel they have to give the man ‘extra praise’ because basically men have fragile egos and they’ve been socialized to feel that ‘parenting essentially is ‘woman’s work while they ‘help out to ‘relieve the mother.
A man will take his child grocery shopping with him, and get all sorts of credit for how he is such a great father and how he is multi-tasking and how lucky that woman is to have such a ‘thoughtful husband’.
A woman taking her 3 kids with her grocery shopping doesn’t even get a second look. When she does it, that’s her role and that’s what she’s ‘supposed to be doing’. When the man gets involved in doing even a fraction of what the woman does with parenting, he feels he should get extra credit and titles of leadership. Parenting is parenting and men need to step up and do much more than what they’ve done; even when they are married, women do 90% of the day to day work involved in parenting/childcare taking care of home.
So like you Miko, I’m confused with all this talk of leadership and submission too. It’s just ‘ego tripping. No title necessary, just do what you need to do to take care of your family. Check the egos at the door and both parents… PARENT the kids.
I agree Jessica. My husband wanted credit for ish he is supposed to do! Don’t get me wrong, I surely did give it too him but he wanted me to worship him! Hell I was the one getting up all hours of the night. I was the one in the hospital with him all 7 of his surgeries (born with birth defect). I initiated almost everything that was positive in our life. He was just along for the ride. I will admit, mental health was an issue…he wouldnt take his meds or continue with counseling. On top of that to avoid, escape the issues at home he found or sought comfort in other younger women who had no expectations from him…I tried, and tried until I was mentally and physically exhausted. It takes 2 to make a marriage.
Right, I always say that we give men too much credit for what they are supposed to do. I honestly think that by going overboard with the credit for fathers who ARE active in their kids lives, it is teaching other fathers that they don’t have to be real fathers. We treat it as “extra credit.” And way too many people are happy being mediocre and don’t feel like going the extra mile to get that extra and are just satisfied right where they are. If we reversed those roles and treated the deadbeats as the exceptions, then maybe it would cause a shift in their beliefs and encourage more men to become the norm so that they don’t feel like they have to put in extra work to be the exception to the rule.
Mik0: “Right, I always say that we give men too much credit for what they are supposed to do.”
I think this mindset stems from patriarchy and the way society is set up.
There are some very interesting reads in the following professional journals: Journal of Marriage & Family and Gender & Society All of this talk about men leadership and women submissiveness is built on patriarchy and the Bible is full of patriarchal overtones
I love this quote:
“Men have always been afraid that women could get along without them.”
–Margaret Mead
Our patriarchial society dictates the roles people play and the mindset men and women have towards each other and how society is set up to uphold these viewpoints. The following is an interesting excerpt about gender and society:
“In addition to age, gender is one of the universal dimensions on which status differences are based. Unlike sex, which is a biological concept, gender is a social construct specifying the socially and culturally prescribed roles that men and women are to follow. According to Gerda Lerner in The Creation of Patriarchy, gender is the “costume, a mask, a straitjacket in which men and women dance their unequal dance” (p.238). As Alan Wolfe observed in “The Gender Question” (The New Republic, June 6:27-34), “of all the ways that one group has systematically mistreated another, none is more deeply rooted than the way men have subordinated women. All other discriminations pale by contrast.” Lerner argues that the subordination of women preceded all other subordinations and that to rid ourselves of all of those other “isms”–racism, classism, ageism, etc.–it is sexism that must first be eradicated…Women have always had lower status than men, but the extent of the gap between the sexes varies across cultures and time (some arguing that it is inversely related to social evolution). In 1980, the United Nations summed up the burden of this inequality: Women, who comprise half the world’s population, do two thirds of the world’s work, earn one tenth of the world’s income and own one hundredth of the world’s property. In Leviticus, God told Moses that a man is worth 50 sheikels and a woman worth 30.”
So is it any wonder that women are brainwashed to believe that men are leaders and they are submissive and the ‘support’? Even when women clearly show examples where they are in fact running things and the man in fact is actually the support, she will still cling to the idea that what she does is a submissive supportive role while the man will boldly state that when he does something, it is leadership. (Even if what he does is less than what the woman does).
I agree again. The fact is we can get along without men. the truth is I dont want too! I need my man and I need him to need me! We should find comfort, solice, and understanding from our mate. That doesnt mean you cannot set me straight if I am wrong or out of line, its how you do/say things. No one wants to come home to a fight. We are doing that out in the world.
My definition of a leader . . . is a man who can persuade people to do what they don’t want to do, or do what they’re too lazy to do, and like it.”
Parents of teenagers do this all the time. In fact, parents of full grown adults STILL have to do this. Parents are Americas primary leaders.
There is no way that I am diminishing the very important role mothers play in the black community. I would never do that. But take a look at the children in our communities. In metrics that measure well being they are lagging behind their counterparts in every other ethnic group, with education being the absolute worst. We know the big missing link with our children is fathers. If fathers are not that important and mothers (alone) are doing such a great job, then why are our kids in such dire conditions comparatively speaking? Why are the overwhelming majority of black men being incarcerated coming from single parent, mother-led homes? Heck, why are so many black men being incarcerated anyway? I know that is complex question with a complex answer. Still, boys in fatherless homes are much more likely to end up in jail compared to boys who have a father living at home. So a fathers presence has a real impact on childrens lives. Every study on the well being of children in America confirms this fact. It is indisputable.
Let us not be shortsighted trying to exalt the role of one gender over the other in a household. The truth is our children need both mothers AND fathers AT HOME. And homes need order and cooperativeness. However that is achieved is up to the man and woman in each home. But it needs to be achieved none the less.
T. Rogers: wrote: “Let us not be shortsighted trying to exalt the role of one gender over the other in a household. The truth is our children need both mothers AND fathers AT HOME. And homes need order and cooperativeness. However that is achieved is up to the man and woman in each home. But it needs to be achieved none the less. “
T Rogers, you are preaching to the choir with this statement. After all it was you men and some women who were exalting the man over the woman in the household with all this ‘men are leaders and women are submissive talk. Yet the minute youre challenged on that, you want to turn around and say “Lets not exalt one gender role over the otherâ€. How ironic that as long as the man is exalted as ‘leader in the household hes ok and all is right with his world. But when women start standing up and speaking out about that entitled patriarchal mindset of leadership based on gender, then the men want to say, ‘lets not exalt one gender role over the other, when thats what you guys have been doing to women all along.
This goes for men, because you all were the ones saying women need to submit and be helpmeets, instead of hellmeets, and men are the leaders. That God ordained men to be leaders and women the support system for the leader. So I say men (including yourself) should take your own advice about exalting roles based on gender.
And in my previous post, nobody disputes that fathers are important to their kids. I never said they werent. No where in my post did I say that at all. What I said is what fathers do is parenting, not ‘leadership. But (ego tripping men just cant get away from awarding themselves that title of ‘leadership even when all evidence points to the fact that it is the mother who takes the lead in childrearing.
I think youre attempting to deflect from the point of the posts by creating an argument of your own making. The whole point was this mindset of fathers being leaders and women being submissive and helpmeets and all of these other words you guys are using to refer to roles which elevates the man and diminishes the woman. As you can see when it comes to childrearing, mothers play a far more active role. Even when there is a father in the home, mothers still play a far more active role. That is indisputable. Yet men want to dismiss that and take credit that despite the work that mothers do, it is secondary compared to having a father there. The father is the ‘make or break difference in the success or demise of his family and the black community. (which totally discounts the roles that mothers play). I agree there are far too many single parent homes in the black community and this is a negative factor. However there is also too many detached parenting going on as well where one parent does most of the active parenting and thats usually the mother. That was the point of my previous post.
But your response here shows a fine example of male privilege and patriarchy. Men want to be lauded as being leaders and they want their role in society to be recognized as such. As soon as attention is brought to light that the leadership role for men when it comes to parenting and the household is mostly ‘name only because its the mother who actually does the leading in the household because she is the more active hands on parent in taking care of the home and family, men get bent out of shape. They want the title without recognizing that they dont do half of the work involved in active parenting and household. Yet all day long they expect women to accept that she is supposed to have a submissive mindset to them and be happy with her lot and title he gives her and her ‘secondary role compared to his. But men dont want to accept less than a ‘leadership title when it comes to household and parenting even though they dont take as active a role when compared to the work the woman does.
You point to the demise of the black community is due to lack of fathers in the home. As you yourself said, it is much more complex than that and not that cut and dried. There are many more social factors such as poverty and poor education that also play contributing factors. Sociologists have even argued that poverty and lack of education plays an even higher role than simply having a 2 parent family. Our President didnt have a father and look at his achievements. His grandparents played an active role in his upbringing. (Hes one of many examples). Still having an active father is part of the equation of parenting.
So really its the men that need to stop being shortsighted and stop ‘exalting their role as leadership over the household, and realize that parenting requires cooperation and active parenting on the part of both parents. Its you men who are exalting yourselves over the woman and have brainwashed women to buy into this type of thinking for eons because of social gender roles, and religion. So I say, take your own advice and rid yourselves of this antiquated thinking. If the thought of being ‘less than a leader doesnt appeal to you as a man, then stop expecting women to swallow it and buy into that type of thinking as well. Stop expecting her to accept being less than a leader. She is just as much a leader as you think you are. And thats the take away lesson.
I never called my role extra-ordinary. In fact it is wonderfully ORDINARY. I said my leadership style is to provide for my family and provide well.
Obama is president of the United States. I am a Cub Scout Den leader. I’m not the president and I don’t have national responsiblities, but I still am responsible for my boys. That’s why they call Den Leaders…..Leaders!
So too I apply this logic with my family…..My wife and children are not waiting for your great leader Obama to provide this family with stimulus monies……I PROVIDE THAT!
I Provide….I lead.
Trex:
Using this same logic a woman who is working and taking care of her family and is also a girl scout leader is ‘providing and leading too’. Just as her husband who is working and is a cub scout den leader. They are both leading the family together by working and providing. She provides and leads and so does he. One is not leading and the other is submitting. They are both Leaders, and given that most likely she is the more active parent in the home (as mothers generally are), she is the more knowlegeable leader because she is more involved with the day to day running of the household than he is.
The statement: “What does leadership/submission look like in my home” was a reply to the author’s original querry. I simply restated her question in my reply.
The reason why I replied at all was in response to your original post. I usually just read these things. But I felt complelled after you spelled out in so many words what non-black men don’t do in their marriages to hold things together. It’s very difficult for me NOT to reply when I know that I do all those things that you say black men don’t do. There is this chorus on the internet that are trying to render men like me invisible. when I say men like me I mean blackmen married to black women raising and taking care of their children in a manner that most associate with non-black folk.
It’s almost as if they are saying that NO black man is capable of supporting a family and a marriage that is based on mutual caring, devotion and love. That is not true. My life is a testiment to that.
The chorus would have you to believe that if a black women is going to live a comfortable lifestlye and exercise her option to stay home with her children…she has to marry a Non-blackman…….I say not true!
The chorus would have you to believe that if a blackman provides at an exceptional level for his wife and children, the wife has to be a Non-black women. I say this is a lie! I hear this all the time in the media and on the internet and it renders men like me and women like my wife and families like ours – invisible. I chose…., WE chose not to be invisible any longer!
I shared just a small glimps of a day in the life of my family…..If I expanded upon what I’ve written thus far, it probably would not be belivable. Most everyday blackfolks don’t believe other ordinary blackfolk live the way my family live unless they are balling or singing.
And let’s not talk about genuine love and caring……..No! black folks are simply uncapable of such feats …….I say not so!
Why do so many black women believe that men “should” be the leader? Where does not nonsensical thought come from? As you note Cheryl, men having testicles does not mean they are smarter, wiser, more experienced or more knowledgeable about anything! It merely means they are a male. Yet women want to turn over the reigns of their lives to males just because someone told them that men are “supposed” to lead women??
When a man is so silly that he doesn’t think of the long-term consequences of his decisions, then he is a poor decision maker lacking the skills to be a leader. He should not lead, he should admit he is ill informed, and learn something.
A woman should never be placed in the position of having to manipulate or go behind the scenes to get the man to do what he should be doing in the first place, nor should she have to go behind him and clean up the messes he has created through poor decisions. If he doesn’t know what he is doing, he should be man enough to admit it and put his ego aside for the betterment of the family and the relationship.
The roles of marriage were put into place by the creator of marriage. If God says wives submit to your husbands and husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church then you just need to make sure you are doing what God is commanding you to do. It doesn’t say wives submit to husbands only if they have great leadership skills. We are not called to submit to sinful behavior of course but your submission is voluntary. I submit to Christ voluntarily. He does not force me to serve him. The bible says “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of
the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.”. As leader of my household I do what Christ my leader would have me to do. This is not my will but what Christ wants for my home. The best leader is the one who lets God rule his home. Ironically if you consider what God says for women to do then credit goes to the women who says, if I am going to have to submit I better find a man who puts God’s will for us above his own selfish desires. You get points for marrying a man who tries to please God and will more than likely not end up in jail or leaving his family. You don’t get credit for working twice as hard because you put someone irresponsible in a place of leadership. A man can’t become a leader until you put him there…….
Just as Jessica stated, you sound like one of those men who are “ego tripping” for a title you probably don’t deserve. I’ll bet she does all the work and you take the credit like a coward would do. Making decisions and having her (and probably your children too) carry them out. God says the two shall become one, not two become one with the man on top. Men (esp. so-called Christian men) love to give themselves titles that exalt themselves above the woman and that’s what causes division in most homes. Just do what you need to do for your home to run smoothly and to have the best possible marriage. If you’re doing this you wouldn’t care about titles, i.e. head of the household, leader of the family, king of the jungle, etc. Where are the REAL Christian man that don’t speak of this kind of hierarchical marriage and just simply LOVE their wives like the Bible says. In fact, Paul uses the word love six times when speaking to the husband yet many of you seem to focus on one thing only and that’s being the leader. Typical!!!
I hear this a lot and what I’ve found is that what people call leading is really not leading at all. What people call leadership is “doing what I want, in the way that I want it” which is not leadership. To your point, men know how to lead BUT despite this there are things which a man needs practice in order to succeed. Here’s a case in point, one of the conflict areas that this topic often comes up is in the area of managing children. In most (but not all) cases women are afforded the time and the ability to stay at home with their children, bond and learn how to care for them. Men on the other hand often take a few days off and then back to the grind. After 4-5 months during the family vacation Mom may want him to lead (like she leads) however since she has 4-5 months of practice she is in a position of critiquing every move that Dad does.
Women who claim their husbands don’t or won’t lead may in fact find that these same men are quite capable leaders on the job or in other settings.
Seed and Soil – You’re husband IS a leader, are you providing fertile soil?
Think about it…
How do you submit to a husband who doesn’t submit to God ie. through prayer, worship, reading Scripture? He believes in God but doesn’t practice. How do you submit to a husband who is led by the world/ flesh ie. however he feels instead of by God?
For many ladies who struggle with this whole submission/leadership concept, the first obstacle is your mate choice. Choosing a man as your spouse who is not submitted to God first – not just through prayer, worship and reading scripture, but by LIVING it is key. A man who is not truly sold-out for real is going to struggle to lead. Second, a true leader does not use DOMINATION or manipulation of his position of power to achieve submission. If he does, he is not really fit to lead. Lastly, submission is an act of love but it does not mean doormat. I am submissive to my husband, but he does not rule over me like an overlord (and he knows this). He is a man, subject to failure, and I am not bound by scripture to blindly follow him into folly and destruction. I am required to be open, honest and supportive of those things that work to benefit our family – not his ego. @ V.Love – you need to seek counsel, because your man cannot lead you anywhere in his current state except into trouble. @ Anonymous…search the scriptures for yourself – don’t let a few passages cause you to miss out on the glorious life that Christ has for you just because you are pushing back against what you feel is an attempt to control you (the principle of submission). Submission is in place for the purpose of ORDER in the home…not control.
Superwife said: …Second, a true leader does not use DOMINATION or manipulation of his position of power to achieve submission. If he does, he is not really fit to lead.
A man does NOT have any power except that which you give him – IF you decide to give it to him. Second, I don’t know any husband who tried to dominate their wife and lived, lol!
I just cant with this. So the King sits on high while i nurture? I was right. Christianity is not for me. God is the head..the creator didnt designate one gender over the other.
Wives need husbands to provide, but not in the monetary sense. We need our husbands to cast the fore(pro)-vision(vide) for our family. Providing is not about resources, its about the man leading the home and having a vision for the future. A man’s biggest fear is failure so is afraid to take on major responsibilities even though he is built to do so. A woman’s biggest fear is rejection/lonliness, so needs her husband to need her and fulfills that by being necessary (doing everything). The sooner each spouse realizes this about him/herself, the sooner the relationship improves. I told my husband early on that he would not get extra “credit” for things he is “supposed” to do. Grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, caring for the kids, etc are responsibilities we share and are vital for survival. They are not extras. I constantly set the bar high for him and constantly he rises to the occassion. I believe that people will meet whatever expectations you have for them.
I believe that most of these women who exalt their men by saying they are “submissive” to them think it’s cute to be in a submissive position but let that same man piss them off then it will be WWlll. Cut the crap!