Have you ever intentionally kept quiet or beaten around the bush instead of coming right out and saying what’s on your mind? In certain circles you lose opportunities when you don’t verbalize certain ideas, thoughts and feelings. We may miss sharing an innovative concept at work that could have potentially resulted in a promotion. Or we may even fail to speak up on how unpleasant someone has made us feel only to risk having it repeated.
In each of these situations when we choose to hold back and not honor our selves we pass up the chance to foster our happiness. The same holds true for other relationships, especially the one with a spouse.
Often times when we hold back, the idea is usually to spare feelings and reduce conflict, but in the end it normally comes up and out anyway. Occasionally it’s even worse when it all builds up and a person completely unleashes. Discussions can typically take a turn for the worse when we wait to address an issue we have allowed to fester.
Our desire to hold back usually show up in areas such as intimacy and daily household responsibilities. Many individuals are hoping their current situations will change without them ever mentioning these concerns to their spouse.
If a couple struggles with intimacy, what better way to correct the situation than by both partners discussing how they would prefer to be satisfied? Being honest about what turns you off as well as on increases the chances of getting your needs met. Keeping quiet and settling for what you have now guarantees nothing will change. We know our bodies better than anyone else, so show and tell your partner what generates your pleasure. Your spouse will appreciate your honesty and jump at the chance of truly pleasing you with that new information.
Co-managing a household also comes with its set of obstacles. If one partner is slacking with keeping up with his/her portion of the chores and the other allows them to get away with it, resentment will kick in. Instead of remaining silent or leaving little hints, the best approach is to simply speak up. While we are all adults one spouse may not see their lack of contribution as a problem if the other spouse never says a word. I am not suggesting that a person nags, but initiates a healthy conversation. Without being disrespectful tell your partner all that needs to be done, the piece you’re willing to do and what would be most helpful for them to do. Deciding how responsibilities will be divided should ultimately be determined by both partners.
I am sure most of us are familiar with the popular saying “a closed mouth does not get fed.” Keep that in mind when we are looking for our needs to get met. Our spouses aren’t mind readers, so it is a must that we ask for what we want. Remember, asking with a love, kindness and gentleness will always deliver the best result.
These are very helpful ideas but what does one do when the other spouse refuses to communicate completely? I am tired of the childish behavior from someone who insist they are a “an adult”…
I feel the frustration in your comment and I understand. Has your spouse come right out and said they refuse to communicate completely? Does your spouse have a clear understanding if what complete communication means to you and are they 100% clear why it’s so important to you. Unfortunately we don’t always arrive at the same level in marriage at the same time. Some of us need a little more time.
Yes, he knows communication is very important to me and I now see him intentionaly doing this to make me upset. It’s going on three months and the last time I tried to communicate with him he didn’t say a word…literally bit his lip to keep from saying one word.
How clear is he on why it’s important to you? How clear are you on his communication style and his feelings about communication?
His way of communicating with me is very selective; however, when it comes to his friends he’s very talkative, supportive and willing to do whatever for them.
From a male perspective, maybe you’re communicating TOO much. A guy doesn’t want to talk about everything all of the time. Usually when “we” need to talk, its about what he is doing wrong and how he is not making you feel. This convo usually falls into the nagging category. My advice is to just DO YOU and act like it doesn’t bother you. TRUST he will initiate a convo with you to find out why you aren’t talking to him and what’s the problem. Let him see you doing your thang on a daily basis and that he can choose to either be a part of your daily happiness or not, but it doesn’t stop the show. You would LIKE for him to be a part of your daily happiness, but that’s his choice; you can’t FORCE him.