by Aja Dorsey Jackson
After watching the Rihanna interview on Friday I went online to see what the masses had to say, as I usually do when I see something happen in the media. Although I was not surprised, it was still troubling to see the large number of Black women commenting online almost with contempt for the pop star. Despite the fact that we’ve all seen the pictures, despite the fact that at no point has Chris Brown denied her claims or claimed to have been defending himself against her, most women seemed to be saying “I don’t condone domestic violence but (insert justification here).” As I read comment after comment from my peers, I came to realize that there is a rather large population of Black women who believe that women should be beaten sometimes. I felt as if I had been stranded in the Color Purple movie with 10,000 Celies around me whispering “beat her” to Harpo.
If it seems like I’m sensitive to this topic it’s because I am. At the age of 21 I was the victim of a very violent domestic attack. As I heard Rihanna speak of her own confusion and loneliness it felt as raw as if the words were coming out of my own mouth.
Being attacked was only the beginning of the hard part for me. The hardest part was putting my pain on display and dealing with the rumors that followed. I heard everything from claims that despite the black eyes and bruises, I was a drama queen who had made it all up to allegations that I was on crack (yes crack). In the months that followed, there were numerous occasions when I regretted ever having made that phone call. It was as though I had found the strength to talk about being beaten in private, only to then be brutally assaulted in the court of public opinion.
Rihanna’s situation is different from mine only in the sense that she and her attacker are both celebrities. The incident and its aftermath is only an example of what happens on a smaller scale every day. We say that we don’t condone domestic violence, but what we really mean is we don’t condone domestic violence unless. Unless the woman is feisty. Or from an island. Or not that innocent. Or has a smart mouth. Or knows how to push a button. Or isn’t an angel. Or her abuser looks like the boy next door.
And then there are the cries of “why won’t everybody just let this go”. Here’s why: According to the Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community, African American women experience domestic partner violence at rates 35 % higher than their white counterparts and intimate partner homicide is the leading cause of death for African American women ages 15 to 45. As opposed to using this very public situation to address this very real issue, we have popular urban websites running stories that paint Rihanna as a villain for speaking out. We have thousands of little Black girls and little Black boys who saw a Black woman’s battered, bloody, face on television and heard their grown up mothers and fathers say “well she shouldn”˜t have”...” with the same mouths that they use to say “never hit a woman”. If we care at all about trying to keep our children, sons and daughters, from entering into violent relationships, then shouldn’t we stop leading the way with our attitudes?
Even as I write this today, years later, I am nervous. I can’t help but to wonder how I will be judged by everyone reading it. The only reason why I choose to share my story is that I believe that there’s a girl out there that needs to hear from a girl like me. A girl who’s feisty. A girl that can get pretty angry. A girl that has a smart mouth sometimes and can occasionally push a button. A girl that isn’t an angel and has never claimed to be. A girl who doesn’t deserve to become a victim of domestic violence. Period.
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marketing consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. She is author of the blog www.babybumping.blogspot.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this article. This is needed. I’m from D.C and walk a lot in the city and I can’t begin to tell you about the numerous domestic violence encounters I come across between young black women and men. I mean these guys are hitting the young girls with full force like they are hitting a man. And the sad part is people see it, stare for a minute and keep walking without intervention. I understand the code of the streets is to mind your own business but someone’s daughter, mother or sister is being beaten and no one cares. I pray for the women that are being beaten this second, a hour from now and a month from now. There is help out there. Please get it! You are worthy of a loving relationship without being mentally, emotionally or physically abused.
God Bless~
Aja,
This is such a raw, transparent article! I appreciate you putting on front street the undercurrent of attitudes that would tell a girl like you, me, or even Rihanna that they deserve to be beaten if their attitudes are not in check.
Your article also put me in mind of the attitude in our community towards rape. Unfortunately, the rumor mill and the system have tendencies to assault a survivor of such atrocities as rape and domestic violence afresh. Thank God that there are those out there like you who have not succumbed to a victim mentality, but have truly survived and will thus help others survive.
Thanks!
I applaud you for writing this article and telling your story. There is healing in helping.
My stand on the whole issue (and I will always say this) is that Chris definitely needs to stand up for what he’s done and take ALL necessary actions to make darn sure it doesn’t happen again. With that being said, Rihanna needs to stand up and admit her part also. This is not to take from what Chris did wrong but b/c one resulted in more damage DOES NOT make the other any less wrong. By Rihanna not admitting to her hitting Chris and now “speaking out” to all young girls, she is portraying the same one sided issues we have with DM today. It should be now and forever “DO NOT PUT YOUR HANDS ON ANYONE PERIOD!” How many times have we seen or heard of a man cheating on a woman and she slaps him (and yes it happens in public) and NOTHING is said. I’m not taking anything away from women being abused but come one, why is no one talking about women abusing men too?! How is it that people keep asking Chris “didn’t u push her on another occasion after she slapped you multiple times.” WTHeck!!! Did we not see the part about her slapping him repeatedly?! Who knows if it’s true or not but NOBODY is calling her on it?!! I said it before and I will say it again, If Rihanna doesn’t own up to her own violent behavior, she will be in this situation all over again with a different man. We MUST stop the double standard and learn that violence PERIOD is unacceptable.
As I stated in the intro, I commend you for sharing your story and I thank God you got out with your life. Hopefully this story can be a beacon of hope for someone else (male or female) going through the same thing.
Thank you for writing this article and for sharing your story. I get so frustrated and upset whenever I hear people defending Chris Brown’s actions. It reminds me when I used to hear people defending R. Kelly’s involvement with that little girl. (I actually heard someone call into the radio station and so I know that she is a child but ___). Why is it so hard for people to realize that the stars that they put on a pedestal aren’t perfect and that sometimes their actions should be condemned?
Thanks for such a personal article. I’m saddened by the women on message boards (like DonnieleMichele) who focus on whether an abused woman provoked the attack. Do women like Donniele think a heated argument or even a slap warrants a beatdown by a man?? It’s sickening. Women need to support each other more…our sexually abused and physically beaten sisters need a community that supports them, not condemns them.
Deidra is that all you got from my post? I don’t condone violence of any kind nor condemn survivors. I find it very interesting that you grouped me in such a category when all I was saying is that both parties need to own up to what they did. Society is so deep in denial about this it’s ridiculous. I’m not saying ALL women of DV hit or abuse their men AT ALL. If you are a survivor of DV (or any kind of violence) and have never raised your hand to the other person then what I’m saying doesn’t pertain to you. There needs to be open discussion about this problem so that changes can be made. I will always stand by my words…..DO NOT PUT YOUR HANDS ON ANYONE PERIOD, MALE OR FEMALE!
S/B…..I would like to know who has seen “This Christmas” and recalls the scene with Regina King and her cheating hubby in the bathroom? When she gave him a beat down, while wet and slipping in baby oil, the movie theater erupted in laughter and words like “go girl” and “give it to him” were yelled. Now I ask, would this scene be put in the movie as “comic relief” or a “go girl moment” if the roles were reversed? If he had poured baby oil al over the floor and commenced to whooping her naked body, would we all laugh and say “go boy” and “she deserved it for cheating?” I think I know the answer. Again, all I am saying is we need to stand up and CALL THESE WOMEN OUT (CALL THESE ACTIONS OUT)! If I have to be condemned for my belief then that’s fine b/c I strongly feel violence PERIOD is WRONG. We can respectively agree to disagree even though I don’t appreciate the way you put me out there as being against female DV survivors when I am clearly not.
Donielle,
It’s interesting that you bring up that scene because I remember thinking the same thing while watching it. I was disgusted that a movie would promote that type of violence as humorous.
That being said, I didn’t really write this post to analyze the situation between Rihanna and Chris Brown, but more our reaction to it. My issue is that why in Rihanna’s case or in any other case of domestic abuse, do we need to speculate on what the woman could have done to provoke the attack? I have never heard from Chris Brown that Rihanna slapped him so why is this something that constantly comes up in everyone’s assesment of the situation? Yes, domestic violence is wrong from either end, but why is that allegation always made in this case when it has never been made by either person involved other than to shed the victim in a negative light?
Aja,
I can definitely see where you are coming from. I only brought up the “slapping” allegations because they ask Chris about the prior incident and why did he push her but they don’t ask Rihanna if the “slapping” happened too. I would never dig into a woman that has been abused and think that she provoked him. I can only imagine how hard it is to reach out and ask for help only for people to call you all kinds of names. Again I commend you for standing up and opening such a painful chapter in your life. You are a strong spirited woman of God and I only pray that others can be as strong. I think as long as we, adults, can come together in such an open forum (like this one), change will come. We all have to play our part and scream from the top of our lungs “THIS CYCLE WILL NOT REPEAT ITSELF AND I DO NOT ACCEPT IT IN MY LIFE!”
Thank you so much for writing this. You so eloquently put into words what I could only try to express. Your story reminds me so much of my own (I was 22, it happened only a couple of years ago) and it stirs a lot of emotions. I agree with what you have written completely. There should never be an “unless” in this topic.
I only wish society would give young women more “training” as we are growing up to not be blinded by love and go back a second time, third time, and so on. (Just as it, unfortunately, tells men they should not have emotions.) Unconditional love does not mean putting yourself in danger of being harmed or killed by the person you “love.” To love others you must first love yourself.
Very touching post (and responses). I grew up in a household where domestic violence was almost an every day occurance. From the age of 2 to about 13 I watched my dad beat on my mom for no reason at all. I also don’t have many good memories for that period of time, nor do I remember much else at all…only the fights, the yelling, my mom’s screams. I could have very well grown up to marry a man just like my dad, or I could have become an abuser myself given that I was so messed up emotionally and mentally, but I thank God for my mother. She taught me better, she taught me to want better for myself, for my life. Despite her circumstances, she taught me about love, and how to give and receive love. The love she never received from my dad, she gave to me and my brothers. She made it crystal clear that love is not ever VIOLENT in any shape, form, or fashion. LOVE is not a man putting his hands on you. Punching you so hard that a vessel in your eye bursts, or that your lip is busted beyond repair, or that he chokes you to near death. There are NO EXCUSES for the behavior. As my grandfather used to say, “if a man (or a woman) has to put their hands on you, then YOU DO NOT need to be with him/her.” PERIOD. There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s about that. And that’s real talk.
If one has anger issues, acknowledge that you have anger issues and get the help you need. Once a life is taken, that’s it. It’s final.
Aja, Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry you went through that. I don’t come from a background where I saw any domestic violence but I know that no woman deserves to be hurt physically or emotionally by a man. As a community we should support any woman who is going or has gone through this. It is okay not to be a “ride or die chick”.
Sorry I didn’t read all the comments. This was one of the first “clubs” I found myself in that coinsided with “The Mommy Club”. The mental abuse started before the kids arrived, the physial after. Not a club I am proud to be apart of but just glad it’s not apart of my life anymore. Why don’t we get out sooner many ask and when you are in it you ask yourself that question a thousand times a day. The answer is love, the kids, finances, fear and afraid to know you failed in a relationship(and everyone else will also know). You desperately try to make it work to keep the family intact and the shame/stigma that follows is so powerful because when you also know someone who went through it you choose to keep your secret because no one wants to be judged. I was like Rhianna, you don’t want to let anyone know the person you fell in love with physically abuses you. It is embarassing and I thought it was a staple of my own character of who I chose as a mate and had kids with. I am not that scared little girl any more. Rhi and Chris had something I didn’t. They don’t have kids together, they have money (to part and still pay the bills)they have fame and fans. Hubby and I did watch her interview and before it started hubby thought she was going to throw him under the bus. She said what she needed to say to get it off her chest. It was a emotional inteview for me to watch and hubby was understanding of her interview but did talk about her legs. LOL. It does not matter how beautiful you look on the outside when your spirit is broken you do lose apart of YOU. It is so hard to put on a brave face each day when going through something that you want to keep private. I commend both of them and I am team both. I am not and never have been a fan of either of them but when things are thrown in your face(media) 24/7 we do want “The Rest Of The Story”. I in my heart know that they still love each other but to give CPR on their careers have to remain apart. My gut tells me that they are not done with each other no matter what they say or don’t say.
I don’t buy Rihanna’s whole interview. Why is she speaking out now? Could it be because she has a new album to sell? I watched the whole interview and I didn’t feel her pain. She was emotionless to me and when she spoke on setting a good example for girls and how going back to Chris was saying it was okay, just struck a cord in me. since when has she been settign an example for young girls? What does she openly do besides sing half naked?
Now don’t get me wrong, I like Rihanna and her music but let’s not go calling our selves a role models in one area of our life but not a role model in other areas. That is like saying “watch me drink alcohol but don’t watch me do drugs.” Are they not both questionable? There is a lot of responsibility when you say you ae doing the right thing because people are watching. You need to remember to they are not watching that one move but all your moves.
I am glad she spoke out about domestic abuse but had it not been so conveniently around the time of a new album dropping I might pay it more attention.
@ African American Mom.
The timing was “timed”. You can’t tell someone who has been in a DV realtionship when to tell their story, but when you’re a celeb the rules (timing) are different. Her interview did not want me to go out and buy her music. To me in the interview she looked uncomfortable talking about it. If you ask me she is not a role model but telling her story has it’s purpose and that’s to have a face(a celeb) for anyone in a DV relationhip to wake up. Some ppl don’t call what she went through DV, I understand that. I think it was just a toxic abusive relationship that they both played a part in. She admitted hitting her brother over the head with a bottle and Chris witnessed physical abuse in his home with his mom and stepdad. I can see why they became attracted to each other but we need to break this vicious cycle. I never thought that Rih was a innocent bystander. If you can hit your sibling because you are mad, you will hit anybody. I hope they both get counseling and take anger management classes. I still think that she provoked him, but he had no right to hit her. I am just glad that they are both talking about it. I believe that Rih hit him first and he just clocked. I also believe that he did not and will not say that she hit him first and he hit back to make him look like less of a punk. They have their careers at stake and we all know there is more to this story.
Hi,
Thanks for the article. I am still amazed about how people feel that Rihanna did something to provoke Chris. Who deserves that type of beatdown? Was anyone there? I’m from DC and when this aired on a radio segment, women were calling in blaming Rihanna. You would think Chris was their brother or close friend. I don’t know what happened that night and I don’t care about the details. Obviously, she was assaulted and Chris was penalized for his role. I just wish people would stop with the assumptions and see this as an example to talk to our young girls and boys. There are little girls out that that think it’s ok to get hit by their boyfriends. These are girls that will not ask for help because they know society will look down on them and think they did something to provoke a beating from their boyfriend. i also know that abuse can come from both ends. There are men that are abuse by women. So, I’m not saying that is ok. I just don’t think it’s fair to make assumptions or start rumors.
AB said:
Hi,
Thanks for the article. I am still amazed about how people feel that Rihanna did something to provoke Chris. Who deserves that type of beatdown?
~~~~~~
Hey/Hi back at you. No one deserves that type of beatdown. I am not being mean but did you hear or read that she had his cell phone and some chick sent a text, and that is what set her off? It does not matter if she hit him first or tried to defend herself. TMZ leaked pics of her battered face. I am bright/light like Rhi and we do bruise easily. Where is a mug shot of Chris, where is his war wound pics? I will never condone what happened in that car that night, but I do think that it was a mutual fight. It was not the first fight but it was the last fight. I don’t have a problem with both of them continuning their careers. I also do not think that these kids are done being together, even though everyone knows their story telling. I have been there and I have done that/accepted and when I was in my early 20’s went through more things than she did. I still have scars that not only I can see but anyone can see (on my face). I think I carry more emotional scars than I do the noticable ones.
This post has become exactly what I didn’t want it to, another place for people to debate the facts and find reasons to discuss Rihanna’s character and why that could have made her a good domestic violence candidate. We do not know the facts beyond what has been discussed in public so why is it necessary to speculate beyond that to create our own version of what happened to justify domestic violence. It amazes me that as Black women we are not able to say that domestic violence is wrong and move on, rather than spend time making charachter judgements. If we are so easily able to make justifications for this type of behavior publicly, it’s no wonder that so many women are able to come up with reasons in their own mind as to why to stay in a violent relationship.
Donielle,
I totally agree with you, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST ANYONE is WRONG. Oh cares about the celebrity status of Chris & Rihana, there are 3-sides to every story, his side, her side & the truth, and we will NEVER know the truth. If I put my hands on ANYONE violently, why should I feel that they won’t react the same. We ALL need to learn how to treat people with love, kindness and the respect we all deserve. Life is TOO SHORT.
@Aja 9:25pm
Unfortunately I’m not surprised. Our community is so desperate to protect our men that we will constantly throw our women “under the bus”. I truly believe that women who justify this type of behaviour think it can never happen to them because they “would never do what she did”. However, domestic violence is about the attacker not the victim. If Chris Brown does not get some serious help he will do it again.
I witnessed domestic violence firsthand as a child and there is never any justification for it. I don’t care how easily someone bruises, I don’t care if there was a slap. The level of physical violence inflicted on Rhianna is NEVER justified. If she decided to give an interview around the timing of her album release SO WHAT? No one seemed to care about Chris Brown going on Larry King. *Sigh*, it’s just sad that women actually defend this behaviour.
well this is an interesting article that caught my eye @ work. i’m young, just like a baby, only just now turning 21. i wasn’t even legal to drink yet before i was getting abused. i’ve been in / out of abusive relationships and i feel for the young women;especially African American women who go through the b.s. w/ their “significant other.” i ask myself every morning is it worth it? my scars hide my beauty, but honestly i just smile because whether you moap….its NOT GOING TO CHANGE UNLESS YOU PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! what…???SCARED TO? its cool. i’ve been there, matter of fact still there.. I love my b/f dont get me wrong, but yes we do fight. When i finally put my foot down and hit his @$$ back, i mean w/ all my strength, he finally realized that i’m through w/ da bull shit.. ppl say 1nce a man hits you, it can only get worse; which is in fact true, but if you think you can deal with that(which you shouldn’t have 2) then by all means, hey do you..but heads up! it will get worse..till’this day im still trying 2 better this relationship…Just thought the young women wanted to hear a voice from someone who knows feels and actually experiencing the same thing..