It just happened. We didn’t mean to fall in love with each other. One thing led to another and before I knew it, we were in bed together. I tried to stop the phone calls and text messages, but I couldn’t. It really was innocent. We started off as friends. It’s not like I intended to cheat on you. It just happened.
I know every marriage is different, and you might have a difference of opinion about this. But here is my take on it: affairs don’t “just happen.” I slipped and fell in love with someone else seems a little far-fetched to me. Am I supposed to believe that emotional and sexual relationships outside of marriage “just happen”? Is it that easy to break your marriage vows and to turn back on the covenant you made before God? I don’t think so.
In life there are things that “just happen” outside of your control: car accidents, spilled milk, sprained ankles, and other flukes. I don’t think affairs fall into this category. “Oops” or “We got caught up” are not valid excuses. Furthermore, I believe it insults a spouse’s intelligence when one person says, “Oh, it just happened.” If you were bold enough to step outside of the marriage, the least you can be is bold enough to take responsibility for your actions. When you should have been talking with your spouse, you were talking to someone else. When you should have been kissing and caressing your life partner, you were lusting after someone else. When you should have been home playing with the kids, you were playing house in a hotel room. All of these actions don’t just happen; they are planned and executed with the hopes of not getting caught.
If you “just happen” to have sex with someone, then why not make it your spouse? Spontaneous lovemaking that occurs without planning keeps the marriage exciting. It can “just happen” on your lunch break or early in the morning before work. It can “just happen” after you had an argument or when you think you are too tired to even cuddle. That’s the beauty of being in a God-ordained relationship opposed to being in an illicit affair. You can let whatever happens happen without feeling guilty or breaking the marriage covenant.
Affairs don’t “just happen,” but passionate lovemaking between a husband and wife can and should, which is the only time it’s okay to say, “Oops, (wink, wink) it just happened!”
Do you believe affairs “just happen”? Have you and your spouse ever talked about the why’s and how’s of affairs?
Lawandaweldon says
Lovely article. People need to be more accountable and stop twisting the truth with lies. I love how you wove in the lovemaking with spouses. Thank you for sharing your gift once again!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
You are welcome Lawanda. Thanks for the comment.
Ms. C says
Thank God for someone just can tell the plan truth. Listen ladies and gentleman you’re only fooling yourselves please don’t be a insult to your self for believing… oop’s it just happen. It’s a new day…if you’re going to lie please be VERY good at it …it’s time out for knowing the truth and not standing up and telling the truth. Thank you… again for being bold enough to telling the plan truth. WOW… I love it.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Hello Ms. C. Your comment is on point. Thanks for reading, as always. And please do share.
Majo says
preach!
Charlesanna says
No, I personally don’t believe affairs just happens. When I got married I listen carefully to my wedding vows knowing I was making a covenant with God keeps me. Man can’t keep you from doing something, but God can. One thing I know nobody else care about you being married, but you have to care. My husband works in the school system surrounded by lonely women everyday the stories he comes home and tell me makes me wonder what kind of people teaching our children. He tells them all that he is married I told him they don’t care about that. I told him I don’t care what women say to him I only care about what he says back to them. Thank God for sending me a saved man. He told them at our church and everywhere he feels the need “no one disrespect his wife”. When you marry a man/woman that’s a cheater before you married him why are you so surprised when he cheats in the marriage?
traceykinohio says
Agreed and kudos to your hubby for respecting you & insisting that everyone else respect you as well. I know an old friend from high school whom is married but feels its okay to cheat on his wife because “they don’t relate to each other anymore.” I cannot tell you how disgusted those words made me. Yuck.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
I agree. The person in covenant has to be responsible for him/herself.
OMG says
You hit the nail on the head with that last statement Charlesanna. When you marry a man that’s cheated before you married him why are you so surprised he cheats in the marriage. I personally truly believed he wouldn’t cheat on me but he did and he keeps telling that they never had sex. Sat when I went to her house and he was there this was the 3rd time I had discovered him at her house. He said they have a emotional relationship but isn’t that worse? We will be married 10 years this year and it really hurts. Since Sat I found out today he is still talking to her but he says he loves me and don’t want a divorce. He also has done some other shady stuff like has texted his sister-in law sister for sex and they let me know this happened years ago. He said he was playing when he did that. What? My husband has no respect for me and I’m so broken that I can’t hear God talking to me. I’m filing for divorce tomorrow cause this man is just a cheater and will be always be a cheater.
KeshaRenee says
Very good point! I also wonder if he cheated with you and you all get married, will he cheat ON you once he says I do? I don’t get it… I am just shocked and appalled at the way men think. And I say men because this is where my experience lie… With men… Yes! Kudo’s to your husband for being a respectable man of God… Thankfully there are a few out here that are genuine to their word.
Kallisa says
I’ve never been married, but I can say, I don’t believe in “chance” or “happenstance”. Way before the act occurred, there was some thought put into the matter.
Jilloutthebox says
I totally agree with you. An affair is calculated. There are certain boundaries that we should not have to explain to a committed spouse. Once you start crossing those, it’s not rocket science where it will lead.
Mrsnina78 says
love this article!
Desiree Coleman says
Love the article “Affairs Don’t Just Happen” on @blackandmarried and its true. Whether its b/c of action (showing to much interest in someone that leads to infidelity) or inaction (failing to guard your heart)…it is a choice.
lonely wife says
I agree that affairs don’ just happen. But I know that when a partner is constantly rejected you open yourself up to other things out of being lonely and rejected. I am not in anyway condoning infidelity I am just saying there are multiple ways it can happen.
Winnie says
Blah, excuses to cheat!
Anonymous says
This is very true but sweetie find a Christian counselor n confide in them n God…no one else…that is how it starts n although I do not believe in the oops affair excuse, if you continue on a path of confiding in someone else other than who I previously suggested, you will open up the door to trouble. emotions can lead you into a world of sheer craziness where you become consumed with loneliness, grief and misery and your every being craves relief. I beg you to find a real Christian counselor for you n your hubby n even if he doesn’t go, you go and strengthen your relationship with God. Marriage and love is not about emotions and the ups n downs of the roller coaster ride, it is about commitment, the vow that you made to God concerning your spouse. Praying that this helps at least one!
Cassdurham says
“Furthermore, I believe it insults a spouses intelligence when one
person says, “Oh, it just happened.†If you were bold enough to step
outside of the marriage, the least you can be is bold enough to take
responsibility for your actions.” Can I get a whoop, whoop and an amen.
Maya says
VERY WELL-written article!And THANK YOU!
“Just happened” – please STOP KIDDING YOURSELF.
SAFEGUARD your relationship!!!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Thank you Maya. I agree. safeguarding your relationship is important.
Anonymous says
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Bgdady68 says
I am not condoning affairs however as a man who can almost never get that spontaneous time with my wife because there always seems to be something more important to her that has to be done right then, and when I attempt to talk about how I feel about it I am just being selfish. So I can understand how it could just happen with someone else. P.S. I have not been unfaithful to my wife however I can see how it could happen.
Meme says
Was there more spontaneity in the beginning of the relationship? The most likely answer to this is “yes”. So what has happened between then and now? Probably a boatload of responsibility that the woman has had to manage…a household, kids, multiple schedules, job, homework, making a better life, etc., that have all pulled on her availability for spontaneity. Ask her what would you need to do to help free up some of her time for you…the way it was earlier in the relationship and I’ll bet you’ll get some revealing answers. Ask yourself what you could do without to give her more free time…can she work part-time instead of full-time? Can you be the one who helps the kids with the homework while she takes a nap? Can Junior do without being on the football team AND the soccer team AND the baseball team? (Every household is different, but I think you get the point. : )
Bibi says
A few years ago, I would have been inclined to agree with Meme, but have since learned differently. While extraordinarily noble, it’s not necessarily his responsiblity to lighten her load, per se. It’s really up to her to decide to put the husband first — above work, chores, even children. By making everything (even if they all appear dire and will never get accomplished if SHE doesn’t do it) a priority over her husband’s needs, she’s sending a message that he’s at the bottom of the totem poll. And, there are women more than willing to give him the illusion that they will put his needs first. Further, it doesn’t matter what happens in the beginning of thr marriage. The couple needs to make a choice and take action to make each proceeding year better than previous years.
Karyn says
It might not be his responsibility to lighten her load but in a marriage, there should be more than just responsibility.
Both husband and wife should make their spouse a priority. The other person will always have a leg up on the spouse because the other person does not have a full life with the spouse. Fun, spontaneity and sex is what they offer and not much else.
A marriage that is just about tracking responsiblity and determining rank on a totem poll doesn’t seem like a happy marriage.
Anew Life says
Hello, I agree 100% with this article. Adultery starts with the THOUGHT LIFE first. Thinking improper thoughts about someone who isn’t married to you, then spending too much time with them is a sure road to falling into the bed of another. If one is honest with themselves it didn’t just happen.
Mrs.G says
“It just happened” is the statement made when someone is ready to take accountability for their actions. Thank you for shedding light on this. Some author’s on this subject advocate and excuse this behavior.
Mrs.G says
Sorry, should read “not ready”.
Oneboobee says
Love your article!!! Affairs do not just happen they are planned and moved upon. You are so right where you said “When you should have been talking to your spouse, you were talking to someone else or the saddest one “When you should have been having sex with your spouse you were depriving them and giving it to someone else”. After one too many it was time to walk away.
I am thankful that you spoke the truth!!!!!
Cescyia says
I agree things just don’t happen by accident. Some people entertain what life would be like if they were with another individual, but in the end it is not worth it. The individuals involved do not think about the risk that they are causing “the ones they love”. I really pray that people seek God before agreeing to marry somebody.
Lisa Vargas says
This is why married people should not have friends of the opposite sex..Let’s be realistic..this is Why this happens in the first place.You put yourself into temptation..what do you expect???If your husband /wife has phone conversations and or texting the opposite sex..Expect infidelity..
Bea says
Sweetie it can happen with people of the same sex….you’d be surprised how people have homosexual affairs. The thing is to be wise in whom you converse with n recognize the sign that are being revealed not only about the woman or man you are confiding in but pay closer attention to the signs, feelings and thoughts that manifest in yourself!
Lisa Vargas says
I’m not a black woman..this applies to all women..no matter what color you are..People are people..I find your articles interesting..
Karyn says
It might not be his responsibility to lighten her load but in a marriage, there should be more than just responsibility.
Both husband and wife should make their spouse a priority. The other person will always have a leg up on the spouse because the other person does not have a full life with the spouse. Fun, spontaneity and sex is what they offer and not much else.
A marriage that is just about tracking responsiblity and determining rank on a totem poll doesn’t seem like a happy marriage.
Michelle Chaney says
Love This Article. I have only been married 1yr & I read this site alot. We have not encountered any cheating but I love how you say “All of these actions dont just happen; they are planned and executed with the hopes of not getting caught.” Me & my husband have discussed cheating & I have always said this. I am glad to see I am not the only wife in the world who feels this way. I also love how you talk about it “just happening” with your spouse!!! That sounds ALOT like me & my babe lol.. THANKS AGAIN FOR ANOTHER WONDERFUL ARTICLE!!!!
Johnbrw says
Nobody sets out to get married and cheat. When you talk to your partner that your needs are not being met what are you supposed to do?
https://discuss.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2010/01/28/3823381-my-wife-doesnt-want-to-have-sex-what-do-i-do#comments
Meme says
Were your needs being met in the beginning of the relationship? The most likely answer to this question is “yes”. So what has happened between then and now? Probably a boatload of responsibility that the woman has had to manage…a household, kids, multiple schedules, job, homework, making a better life, etc., that have all pulled on her availability for spontaneity. Ask her what would you need to do to help free up some of her time for you…the way it was earlier in the relationship and I’ll bet you’ll get some revealing answers.
Slynnbut says
I totally agree!!! If you spend the time and energy making things happen in your marriage then their should be no time for slip ups! Don’t even put yourself in situations where things “just happen” with someone outside of your circle.
mumof4 says
i too believed a man i once loved so much and he told me it just happened until one day i realised these things dont just happen. He probably never did love me even after four children he still found the time to love another am hurting am a christian i forgave him for the kids sake i still tolerate his constant lies. Living together is hell trying to make it a loving home for the kids but deep down i cry myself to sleep. He says his sorry and hates to see me in so much pain but why does he do it to me that i will never know
Charlie Sparkle says
He can’t truly appreciate you as his wife because he’s only in a “pretend marriage.” Even with children, there is no covenant, no legal or God-ordained support for the relationship. You’ve been satisfied with “the way things are” for so long that he doesn’t believe you will ever leave. There’s no motivation to do better from his perspective. God has more in store for you!!!
sugamama says
Some men cheat to see if they still “got it”. Well, if it takes cheating for a man to see if he still “has it”, then maybe, he never had it to begin with.
laketarenal says
I too agree affairs don’t just happen. It’s not a mistake nor is it a game when you repeated take your wedding ring off every other week, or give a woman you meet your cell phone number while you’re supposed to be at work (or take her number to contemplate calling her after the next argument). You also don’t throw I want a divorce around each and everytime someone doesn’t do or say what you want them to say. When you exchange vows with someone and live as man and wife with someone for X number of years just how do you think you’re falling in love with someone else? Because this person makes you laugh? Doesn’t argue with you? Gives you affection on demand? Newsflash anyone that gets caught up in a situation with you like this and knows you’re married deserves exactly what he or she gets. Heartache and pain. It’s inevitable because this relationship started with lies…
soulman says
I partly agree and partly disagree. I think both people in a marriage must stay vigilant to keep the marriage strong. I don’t think EVERYONE who cheats sets out to do so. Often times there is something lacking in the marriage and that person happens to find what he or she lacks outside of the marriage by simple personal interactions with members of the opposite sex. Let us say a wife continuously expresses to her husband how she needs more communication in the marriage the husband does little or nothing to make the situation better. There could be a co-worker or old friend that she starts to confide in not intending to cheat but now the husbands lack of attention to this issue has opened the door. When wives use sex as a bargaining tool, or go long periods of time not having sex with their husbands, and the husband brings it up as an issue only to be told, “your being selfish”, or “is that all you think about?” She may be opening the door to that secretary or old college friend. We have a responsibility in our marriages to try to accommodate the other’s needs even if we “don’t feel like talking because the game is on” or “don’t feel like doing it because we are tired” to do our best to keep the door to infidelity shut. If a good husband or a good wife are getting their needs met at home there will be no need to stray.
Angela says
I TOTALLY agree.
Winnie says
You have probably cheated haven’t you!?
Calipeach says
Just because a man is saved doesn’t mean he won’t cheat. And I do believe that there is more to just being selfish if you cheat in a relationship. I’ve seen couples that totally ignore each others needs and when the spouse cheats, it does not surprise me. I didn’t say it was right but you can’t be married to someone and ignore them. I’ve seen couples so comfortable in their relationship that they have told me, “he/she ain’t going anywhere”. Don’t ever get that comfortable to where you treat or talk to your spouse like a child or crap. That’s why they find that attention or affection in another person.
Bea says
So right on
Bea says
Which is why it’s so vital to communicate n if you are having problems with talking then seek a real therapist or counselor not some back door pastor ( no offense please) who has issues in their own marriage n ends up luring you or your spouse into an emotional/ physical affair with them selves. Love, in love, out of love happens, all thru life…you have to get how god sees n loves us and what he says about husbands loving their wives n wives loving their husbands….do not allow your marriage to drift apart because of pride, frustration and even hurt. If both parties truly love each other, they will do what they need to keep the marriage intact.
Bibi says
Agree with your points!
Dianne M. Daniels says
Affairs DO NOT just happen! An affair, is, by my definition, a relationship (however shallow) built OUTSIDE of marriage. A relationship is not built in one day – no way, no how. A one-night-stand does not a relationship make. One could POSSIBLY make the argument that a one-night-stand was the fault of alcohol, the influence of an illegal substance, or just plain LUST, but an affair involves more than one occasion and the involvement of another person’s FREE WILL. No excuses!
Bibi says
No
wd40 says
keep god in you at all time…
Shar says
It is really SAD when people says it just happened! it just happened! what a bunch of bull.. What ever happened to self control, consequences for your actions before hand and the vows you took before God??? Was tired of hearing I’m sorry over and over again. Knew in my heart that it was time to let it go!!!
Anonymous says
Why people cheat is different for everyone, it’s not just becasue you want to most of the time, sometimes someone wonderful just happen to come into your life, and feel that this person can be the one you needed in your life all along, it’s hurtful thing to cheat but sometimes the person you marry may not be your life partner, and just happened to have been there at the time, as one can’t wait forever to get married… and not knowing if you gonna meet your one true love, the person you’d be happy with for the rest of your life truly. It doesn’t just happen sometimes it was meant to happen.
Anonymous says
I’m surprised you didn’t get a lashing but I agree. People change and relationships get old if both are no longer trying.
Meka says
I’m surprised you didn’t get a lashing but I agree. People change and relationships get old if both are no longer trying.
Norma says
My husband cheated or i must say had an affair which lasted i dont know when but i think more than a year without me knowing. I have two kids and during the affair he wouldn’t even bother telling me where he was going and sometimes will go for two days. Sometimes he eft when the kids were really sick and needed him. When i married him he was good but i think it was because he didnot have a good job. It all changed when he got a well paying job. Although he never left me hungry he always bought everything for me and my kids i was lonely. There was no sex. As the affair progressed we were preparing to move overseers where he had seucred a job. That meant selling our house and evrything we had. After selling the house we went to live with his friends while waiting for the visas. During that stay i was constantly being told to go home with my kids (to my mum ‘s house). He could not eat what i cooked. Everything i did was bad. You might wonder why i stayed. I did not have a job. He was the breadwiiner. I left him twice going back to my mom and evrytime he would come and get me with no explanations nothing. I went back thinking things will be fine but it was a hell. Despite the pain i endured he did not stop the affair. We moved overseers and he continued with the affair. I decided to work gard and get education. I did a diploma and went straight for a deggree which i a have just finished and have just enrolled for a masters deggree. For the past few years he has been communicating with the woman he cheated on and have found out but he says that he will stop but he doesn’t. I have decided to move out and file for divorce because now i can look after myself and my kids. I know there are men there who will treat a woman the way a man suppose to.
Mother&wife says
Affairs don’t just happen but they can if you let someone come into your relationship. If you are spending time sharing life and feelings etc even if it is on the phone, email, texting daily that is a relationship building. That is where it starts and that is how it happens. Add going places together now your dating. If you are attached and feel the need to see, talk, text daily or don’t go a day without thinking about them is the next step and you have already cheated and the affair has started. Sex may or may not happen depending on if they have enough sense to see “what is happening” or “it just happens”
Tie says
I concur! Too much happens in a affair for it to just happen, lies, deceit, sneaking around all intentional or planned actions.
Bibi says
Good points made in this article! But, I think there are a few ideas that appear a little muddled and somewhat incomplete. It’s kind of hard to determine who the audience supposed to be: the adulterous spouse, or the spouse who shoulda coulda woulda. Are you merely discussing excuses (albeit, lame excuses), rather than causes? I’m not certain offering the opinion to an audience member that s/he SHOULD NOT have married someone with the propensity to cheat does much to help the marriage. While they provide mindless, thoughtless excuses, cheaters aren’t (generally) mindless thoughtless people. And what solutions are being suggested here? Divorce? Reconciliation? Counseling to explore the real issues between the husband and wife?