I recently read an article written by a man about men, black men in particular. Although married, he outlined reasons why men prey on women weaker than them and he also warned women that should they enter the game (dating, love and relationships) thinking they have the upper hand they’ll lose. It was a warning to all who read it. In the comments, several women applauded the author for his honesty and they thanked him for giving them a leg up when entering relationships with men””black men. My first thought was, How old is this guy, 13? My next thought was, When will this end?
I cannot begin to tell you how grieved I was by this article and many of the comments that followed. As a grown man, a committed husband and a loving father of two I don’t understand why this story isn’t changing. And why it is constantly being broadcast with no solutions. Here is a basic reality: All men ARE NOT dogs. In fact, most men are not dogs. Many would give their all to be in a long-term committed and loving relationship. I know several men personally who have complained of wanting to get married and start families. Sadly despite their hearts and characters, women aren’t interested in these men for one reason or another. Reasons can vary from income to appearance. What these women do want however is the ladykiller, a.k.a. the dog, the beast, the bird of prey””men who all but advertise that this is how they are living.
When I Was A Child I Spoke As Child
Eventually there comes a time when a man has to grow up. And you can spot them if you look for the right things. Grown men don’t care to associate with boys other than their own children and that’s even a stretch at times. Therefore you’re not going to find grown men at the club (unless dragged out of the house by the friends), nor will they be at the more popular lounges (a laid back club) in your town. However, you may notice them coaching a little league game, volunteering at a nonprofit or sitting alone reading in a coffee shop or at the movies. You may not see him at all because is is too busy working long days and hours as he pursues his dreams or just tries to make ends meet. This type of man is neither sad nor pitiful nor old. He is established and comfortable with who he is and isn’t concerned with popular opinion, unmoved by what’s in style today or what will be in style next week.
You can expect a grown man to ask you more questions about yourself than advertise his own accomplishments. If he has his own form of transportation, even if it’s a little flashy, it will probably not enter the conversation unless you bring it up. He will open doors for you. He will pull out your chair at the dinner table and his wallet won’t go missing when it’s time to pay the bill. When he’s dropping you off, if you tell him you don’t need to be walked to your door he will definitely wait until you’re safely inside before driving away. He will respect you and encourage you. He will challenge you to be the best person you told him you wanted to be. Should a disagreement come up between the two of you he won’t start beating on his chest talking about what he doesn’t take, but rather he’ll try to resolve the issue as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Right now women might be thinking, “A dog can do all these same things.” True, but a man who is looking for someone to share his life with will be consistent. Someone else will only do these things until he gets what he wants.
If you want a man and not a boy made of puppy dog tails, then stop chasing around after the puppies and retrain your thinking and vision to allow a man to enter your world. But be prepared: a real man won’t stick around for long once he discovers he is involved with a woman who is neither prepared for what she claims she wants or isn’t all that real herself. If this should happen this man is not a dog, he’s simply someone who know what he wants.
Women of BMWK, do you know what you want?
Very well said. Thank you. I’ve been married to a MAN for 20 years. We’re teaching our daughters to know the difference and teaching our son to follow in his dad’s footsteps.
If I weren’t a work, I would have stood up and shouted!!! ALL men are not dogs. Change what you look for and you’ll change what you get. My husband is a GREAT man. He always has been. I’ve never had to worry about him “dogging me out” or if he’ll come home at night. He loves us and provides for us without any outside influence or prodding. I love him and I pray that our daughter finds a man just like him.
Thank you for this TRUE and much needed post. With the beating Black love is taking in the media and our own community at times, we need to establish our voice to speak the TRUTH. Black men and women are able to establish and maintain healthy relationships. Notice I ddin’t say perfect but healthy with the commitment it takes to ensure all the ups and downs of life. This is encouraging!
And let the church say Amen. Eric – you just preached a phenomenal sermon brother. You said in your piece, “stop chasing around after the puppies and retrain your thinking and vision to allow a man to enter your world.” I have a line in a poem I wrote:
“if you keep attracting brothers with a shadow/
maybe you are a little more shallow than you think”
Keep using your pen and your voice. Both are on fire.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com.
Wonderful post Eric. It serves none of us to continue to carry on this idea of men and women being predator and prey. Instead of being able to build successful relationships, it destroys our ability to truly connect by putting us in the position to constantly have to defend ourselves against one another.
Real. Truth.
BRAVO to the author of this article! This needs to be broadcast on CNN, MSNBC, CNBC, ABC, FOX, NBC, CBS, USA!!!! America needs to see this, ESPECIALLY BLACK AMERICA!!! I am married to a MAN! Ever since I’ve met him, he’s been focused on family, relationship and goals and they include me and his son EVERYTIME!!!!! There are so many GOOD BLACK MEN out there, but we highlight the “no-goods”, the “dogs” and the ones that are FULL OF DRAMA! Makes me think that not only are there immature men out there, there are very immature women out there as well who literally seek these destructive relationships and then broadcast them for everyone to see giving everyone the impression that Black Men are hopeless.
Again, thanks to the author!!!!
I absolutely have to agree with this article 110%. I’ve been saying this for the last two years, pretty much the entire time I have been single. I now feel prepared to be in a relationship after much time spent alone, growing, maturing and falling in love with myself, FIRST. I have recently met someone who has all the above qualities mentioned and I adore him for it. Some days I am afraid because, I’m so used to be dogged out. Its a real mind quest women play with themselves by not being able to accept what God has put in front of them. I appreciate this article and am gonna share it with every woman I know, who ever said Men ain’t sh*t.
Great post! The very last peice of this post is critical-where you talk about the women being ready. I’m am constantly telling young women (and some not so young) that it is not until you become a “real woman” that you will find a “real man”. The truth is if all you end up with are “dogs” that is a HUGE indicator of where you are in your personal development journey. If you focus on your personal development, the more you work on yourself, the better your relationships and the caliber of people you attract will be.
I have a been married for close to 7 years to a wonderful man but I had to kiss a couple of “frogs” before my “prince” emerged and he only showed up once I made a committment to really focus on my personal development.
I’m just recently married but I can attest to this too! I keep trying to tell my sister and any other young woman who is so focused on finding a good man that they will find you WHEN YOU’RE READY! You have to be okay being alone. You have to be the person you want to be and someone you’re happy with. Then you’ll attract the good men instead of the no good men. It’s so crucial that we try to focus on THIS instead of “well that’s just how men are” because, really, that’s how BOYS are.
That’s true in so many ways,but again,some men is dogs,them are the men that not ready to grow up,the ones that not ready to leave the nest,I call them momma boys. Ladies if you run across those puppy,put them on a lease,and get you a hound dog,them are the dogs in charge,they’re the leader in their team.If you want to keep running around throwing your puppy a bone that your choice…If you want a men without a tail,you got to be a women,know what you want and not what he make you to be.Ladies, this is your life,you make the right decision of it the way you deserve it,and you deserve nothing but the best,cause if you keep looking down at the ground,and not holding your head up,you will get exactly what you deserve and that is nothing…Ladies,always have a voice with a purpose…
This is a beautiful article, believe also that not all men are bad, dogs. There are good men out there. I am encouraged by the testimonies of the people who are married to their Prince, as I wait for mine.
Niggas ain’t shit but hoes and tricks–Trina