Like many (most?) working moms, there have been a couple times in our marriage where I felt like my husband wasn’t pulling his weight and it was taking a toll on our relationship. My husband had unfortunately reached the point where he stopped listening, because night after night it was the same conversation about what he didn’t do, as opposed to all the ways he contributed around the house.
During one particularly difficult conversation, my husband threw his hands up. “Doesn’t matter what I say,” he said, tired. “No matter what I do, it’s not good enough.” That was a turning point for me, because I didn’t want my husband to feel like I was Queen She-can’t-be-pleased.
So I had to take an honest look at our relationship and all the ways my husband comes through for me, on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. In only five minutes of brainstorming, I figured out that my husband serves as:
- Tech support. When I’m on deadline for a class project and the printer suddenly stops working, or the garage door won’t open for some reason, I know he will be able to fix it.
- Security. There’s a bump in the night? He slinks downstairs with the baseball bat to check out what’s happening. (Glad it ain’t me!)
- Child care provider. I know they are his kids too, so no, he is not babysitting. But I’m talking about him taking the kids out of the house for a couple hours on Saturday afternoon so I can relax in the house without the headache that accompanies a 4-year-old and a 3-year-old.
- Landscaper. He gets down and dirty making sure our exterior doesn’t cause the neighbors to complain. I used to give him grief on how long it took, now I’m just happy he cares so much.
- Cheerleader. While he might not have the pom-poms and the hand claps, he is definitely my biggest cheerleader and my biggest supporter.
Kathy Sykes says
I totally get this. AND I have heard the same quote from my husband about not being able to do anything right. He does ALOT right and wives need to acknowledge that. It is a process learning how to love unconditionally!
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Kathy – I know it was a process for me and I’m glad my husband was patient enough to help me through it. In essence, I felt like I was expressing my expectations but all my husband heard was, “You will never reach the bar because I’ve set it too high.” So I needed to give him more encouragement and show more appreciation, and THEN he would try to meet the highest of my expectations. That was about a year ago and we’re doing much, much better!
Kendrea A. Perkins says
I know I’ve taken my husband of 13 years for granted at times, but after reading this I REALIZED HOW BLESSED I AM TO HAVE AN AFRICAN AMERICAN HUSBAND WHO IS DEVOTED TO ONLY ME, NEVER BEEN TO JAIL AND CARES AND LOVES OUR 3 DAUGHTERS AS HE SAYS MORE THAN ME…(LOL)
Thank you for this article and testimony because it made me stop and THANK GOD FOR BLESSING ME WITH SUCH A GREAT MAN OF GOD, Oh I didn’t say that AN AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN WHO LOVES THE LORD AND WORSHIPS HIM IN SPIRIT AND IN TRUTH. He is truly the head of the household by acknowledging God and putting him first in all that he says and does, who don’t sit at home on Sunday Mornings or even Wednesday nights, he goes to church when I don’t, WOW WHAT AN AWESOME MAN OF GOD I HAVE……
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Kendrea – Isn’t it amazing to sit back and realize what you have? It’s incredible!
Edward L. Jordan says
This a great piece and I’m sure it’s short for a reason lol.. I think the inertia and grind of marriage and long-term relationships causes us not to do this on a continuous basis? I think Tyler Perry illustrated this well in the film “Why Did I Married.” Toward the end of the film, Janet Jackson asks both Sharon Leal and Tasha P. Smith to “make a list…” And told them that if the good side is longer than the bad side, then you gotta fix this thing! I think keeping that list running as you say, will probably cut down on a lot of short circuiting in marriages.
Edward L. Jordan
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Edward – Yeah, it’s short for a reason. LOL.
Briana Myricks says
Security for sure. Hubby always makes sure that no one messes with me. It could anybody: stranger, friend, family member, he even yells at the dog when he’s bothering me. I take that for granted sometimes but I certainly appreciate him.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Briana – And I think part of any good marriage is recognizing when you could be a little more appreciative and then following through. So you’ve got it 😉
Proudmom413 says
This article hit the nail on the head for me. I have a faithful and devoted man who is a great husband and father, cheerleader, healer, financial contributer, spiritual, respectful, cutie that I still criticize constantly. He irons our clothes before he leaves for work, drops our daughter to school, works 5-6 days a week, and helps me realize my dream of owning my own business. Yet and still, I compare and criticize my man rather than laud him for all the things he does. Thanks for this article. Sometimes we do need a wake up call after we’re exposed to all the male basheration out there.
Maxie Coleman says
It really does make a huge difference to be appreciated. I work for a non profit and my wife’s works in the corporate world so she makes more money than I do but I am able to do a lot more things with the kids and around the house than she can. So it feels great for that effort not to be dismissed as simply “thats the least you can do”. Ladies please know that a little bit of appreciation really pays BIG DIVIDENDS!!!! Great article!
Carlotah80 says
I think we always need the reminder to remember the positive and to not harp on the negatives. There are so many different ways that WE contribute to the home that neither of us wants to be taken for granted. We all want to be affirmed and appreciated. Thanks for this article. It reminded me that he is my covering and my protector (after God) and I truly love and appreciate him for it.
Empressshinez says
I agree wholeheartedly!! A wonderful article and reminder of what’s really important in our marriages. Its so easy to focus on the negative things and forget the good. Thank you.
Nina Tweetypie Hardeman-Belt says
Well i’ll be darned if my husband and i didn’t have this same exact argument last week. I too, had to take a step back and focus on all of the things that he does do. And once i did, made me a little more appreciative of him
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