By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
The recent tragedy in Tucson, AZ (the attempted assassination of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords) has had everyone on alert and discussing what could have gone wrong.
Usually in these tragedies we look for the person directly responsible and try to find the root of the problem. Things like the accuser’s upbringing and background all come up for questioning. Last week the parents of the alleged shooter (Jared Lee Loughner) made themselves visible. As I watched them on television, I felt their pain. How hard this must be for them knowing they birthed and raised someone who could murder six people in cold blood. There are those that feel for these parents, while there are many others that hold them accountable for their son’s actions. Some are wondering – did the parents see that there was a problem? Did they seek the professional help he may have needed when they noticed the erratic behavior?
A national radio show I listen to posed this question to its listeners: “Are parents responsible for their children’s actions?” The responses varied but led to a very good discussion. I use to feel very strong about this in the past, but now I have become somewhat torn on the issue.
I used to think I had the solution to violence, especially among the youth. Had I been a politician, I would have used this thinking on my platform. My thoughts were that parents should also be penalized for their children’s actions. I was very adamant about that. If their child committed a crime, the parents should serve time and be punished as well. As parents we are responsible for our children. However they turn out, it is usually based on something we did or didn’t give them as children. Being held accountable for children’s actions, would force more parents to take an active role in the rearing of their children. Drastic, I know. Now I see these things aren’t as black and white as I once thought.
There are people who were given what they needed as children but still grew up to become the people they wanted to be. We can give them the tools, but when they become adults they will be making their own decisions. Of course it is our prayer that they won’t stray away from our teachings, but we no longer have control once they begin living their own lives. Unfortunately, none of us can ever know for sure what a person is truly capable of, even if it is a child that we raised.
BMWK, what do you think? Are parents always responsible for their children’s actions?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children
Discussion King says
Partly responsible… and it gets so messy that I’m tempted to say NO. Young people have personalities of their own and have a will of their own… even great parents whom have given their all have children who make horrible decisions and cost others money, resources, and sometimes their lives. Just like you pointed out.
This situation is sad.
Thanks for sharing Tiya.
Spenseravery says
Yes! We are responsible and in some cases liable also.
Like you I to always bring up “just what were his parents doing while this kid, then child and finally young Man spiraled out of control?” When talking about this event.
NOTHING! Yes, I was not there. I don’t know them. But, as our ‘Government’ is now pointing out. Aiding and abetting a terrorist is a crime. Even when if said person is your child. The documented history of erratic behavior, hate speech and video threats is quite clear here on this particular individual.
And while my wife and I vehemently disagree on this. If you support (house, give money, transportation and feed) your young ADULT. You are RESPONSIBLE for for them caring out positive and negative deeds.
Bringing it a little closer to home. If your son has no J-O-B. Has been kicked out of college. But is driving your car. Using your home as a ‘base of operations’ and buys a gun with MONEY that you have given him. YOU bear some culpability and Responsibility.
Simmonz says
Now, I do like this comment as being more accurate than the prior statement. It is very situational, like if your adult child is noticed by you to be very questionable in not doing positive things with others and especially you, then don’t make things comfortable for them because then you are enabling them. In their mind they see you no one else is complaining nor encouraging them otherwise they then feel vindicated to continue acting their chosen path. When things spiral out of the approved way then adult children just like when they were small will “test” the boundaries of their behavior to see how much will be tolerated from them in getting away with whatever they are inclined. That’s why values and morals are needed to be inculcated into children as early as possible. As children then as as adults everyone must have some measures to restrain themselves from doing things even when no one sees what they do. They themselves see what they are indeed doing and have some measures to hold back doing unacceptable behavior that would be obviously a “no no” to others. They call it “self responsibility” or “self control”. The more a child can handle the more they are allowed to experience. If parents can raise their children with “remote control” restrainting power then they can develope trust in their adult children “policing themselves” in any circumstances. Conversely, if there is doubt and/or questionable trust, then parents must avail themselves to protect, make others aware of if possible and be held responsible for any “monsters” they helped and/or allowed to be created. Within that context I see them being accessory before and after the fact.
Tiya says
Spenseravery, great comment.
Lynn says
I was under the impression that this young man’s mental health took a drastic turn for the worse. There is not a whole lot a parent can do about that when their child is legally an adult. I also think that initially there’s not much the police or others can do about some of the stuff he was “ranting” about on the internet etc. In the sense of “being a terrorist”, in the true sense of the word, I don’t believe he really is. He is mentally unstable hence the reason he was barred from the college. As parents, it is indeed our responsibility to know what is going on in our homes, but that’s more difficult to do when an adult child is living with us. You can think you have it under control but you usually don’t. Most parents of children who suffer from some sort of mental illness can attest that things are rarely clear or certain. In my opinion; These parents are somewhat responsible only if they knew he purchased the gun and they did not then notify authorities of his current mental state! I feel very deeply for them, I imagine they have tried and tried and tried!
TheMrs says
As a people, not just Black people but all people, we need to look at mental illness and be proactive in getting help for our loved ones. His mental state did take a drastic turn for the worse over several months and he should have been 302’d, something that the school could have done as well; but it is the description of 302 that deters many…Involuntary Committment.
As a parent, I am upset when my children do not follow what has been taught but I don’t think that I am solely responsible for their actions, especially after they reach the age of reasoning. I remember my own parents drilling into me about boys, going to school, not using drugs, etc. and in the end I did what I wanted to do(no drugs though) despite what was being taught to me. As a parent I also can sympathize with the Tucson shooter’s parents. There were probably signs that he was “losing” it but as a parent it is hard to accept and being unknowingly negligent in seeking out help. My husband and I had to make the hard decision a year ago to have my stepdaughter 302’d behind the cutting, lying, and horrendous behavior and although the process was easy the emotional impact was hard.
Keeshab2002 says
Tiya, you raise a good question…” are parents ALWAYS responsible for their CHILDREN’S actions”…I think that parents are responsible for their children’s actions, NOT their adult children who decide to stray and behave like they were raised by wolves.
When I think of my only family dynamic…there were four of us (me being the youngest). We had one home all our lives, and had my mother and father there (whom are still married). We were very active in our church, and education was VERY important. We had a family business, and never wanted for anything. The outcome, my oldest sister battled an addiction for over ten years, but thank God is clean and sober today, doing great. My eldest brother also battled an addiction for several years, but is also clean today, but NEVER was a father to his own children, and continued to get another addict pregnant. My parents ended up adopting my nieces and nephews eventually. My youngest brother is CURRENTLY battling a horrific heroin addiction, and I quote “doesn’t want to stop using because he likes getting high, and doesnt’ have a wife or kids so he’s not hurting anybody?!!” And me, the only one married, that graduated college and seem to have followed the path they desired (to some degree).
I say all this to say, MY PARENTS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE DECISIONS WE MADE, INDIVIDUALLY. I know for a fact that as a parent you try your best, and make sure you can sleep at night with the job you’ve done with your children. You continue to pray for them, but their futures rest upon their own shoulders. They will lie in the bed they make……
Tiya says
KeeshaB, sorry to hear about your sibling that is still suffering. That was a powerful of example of how parents can do everything right, but the adult child will ultimately make their own decisions. Thanks for sharing