by Tara Pringle Jefferson
By nature, I am a soft-spoken woman, but despite this, I am convinced my husband at times suffers from “selective hearing.” Selective hearing is when he can hear the kids just fine, he can hear the sports commentators, but my request for his help washing the dishes goes unacknowledged.
When this happens, I usually just take a deep breath and ask him again, louder this time, and he responds to whatever I’m asking him. It still bothers me that I have to ask twice for things all the time. A small inconvenience, yes, but one that bugs me nonetheless.
Last week, my husband asked me something and I was preoccupied with the kids or dinner or something else. He asked me again, louder that time. “Oh, sorry,” I said. “I didn’t hear you.”
He shrugged. “Sometimes you have selective hearing.”
What? Me? Selective hearing? No, no, no – that’s what he does to me! I know how much it bugs me – why on earth would I do that to him? After asking him to elaborate, he said that sometimes I tune him out as I’m going about my day and he sometimes doesn’t even expect an answer if I’m flitting about the house.
I honestly hadn’t realized that the same complaint I silently held could also be logged against me. How ridiculous is that?
What I decided to do right then and there was to become much more aware of my actions and how they were perceived. I also vowed to look at my expectations and alter them to fit my reality.
My reality is – I’m a busy woman. I’ve got my hands full with work, household stuff, family obligations and the like. BUT – I also have a husband that makes all of the above much easier. I should make sure he knows that my attention is on him when he’s asking me a question or simply in my presence. And it goes both ways.
Case in point – I was doing my usual flitting around the kitchen, making dinner, when I noticed that one of my measuring cups didn’t have any markings left after years of use. I muttered something softly about wanting to go buy new ones and then went about finishing dinner. The next day, my husband came home from the store with new measuring cups, when I hadn’t even known he was paying attention.
The simple act of buying measuring cups, when I didn’t ask him to – the act of tending to my needs when I didn’t expect him to – spoke volumes. We’re both doing better these days – and complaining less.
BMWK family, do you and your spouse have the same annoying habits? How did you fix it? How are you going to fix it?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for more insights on love and family.
Reggie Williams says
Excellent post Tara for me on a personal and professional level.
I often share with my wife that when she is “flitting around” as you say, trying to get her attention presents somewhat of a huge and frustrating challenge for me; I definitely feel I’m not being listened to.
On a professional level, oftentimes when we are coaching couples or facilitating a workshop the wife brings her husband to the workshop to get him fix and then discovers at the conclusion of the workshop that she also needed fixing.
I just think it’s real cool that you recognized your part in the equation.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
It had to be the hardest lesson to learn in my marriage – that sometimes, I’M the problem. Goodness, it took a little while to learn that, but once I did, the problems are smaller and shorter in duration. 🙂
Reggie Williams says
Are you and your wife complaining about the same thing. Excellent read.
Discussion King says
Tara,.. this part had me laugh out loud —> What? Me? Selective hearing? No, no, no – thats what he does to me!
I think maturity and marriage (I’m guessing) will teach us to stop solely pointing the finger and work towards the ‘now what.’ Good stuff and thanks for sharing.
Egbbrite says
Still finding information worth sharing. We both read these articles, some we discuss some not. Still worth our time to browse the information. Been married 33 years and are friends of Facebook.
Jonesi says
Tara not only is this a great post, but I know exactly what you mean and feel. I had a very similiar wake-up call when I asked my husband point blank what he felt I was lacking. What I expected were shallow answers, but instead recieved some heavy criticism I wasn’t prepared to accept. And, I realized not only was he not expecting much but what I wasn’t doing could easily be done if I took time to make it a priority – namely making the bed and hanging up my clothes. But things that weren’t a priority to me but causing so much unnecessary grief for him should be given the same respect. It’s important to be able to look outside yourself and want to make the changes desired by the other spouse.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Jonesi – “But things that weren’t a priority to me but causing so much unnecessary grief for him should be given the same respect.” Exactly. I try hard to get periodic updates about what I’m missing, or what I could be doing better. Half the time, I don’t like hearing it, but it makes me better. 🙂
Jonesi says
Kudos to you for having the courage to check-in often. Honestly, yet subconsciously, I don’t lol. I think we (women) have the advantage of typically vocalizing our dismays often. However, if I didn’t confront him about his issues, I can sense something is wrong, but he would never just say “I need to talk”. Oh how things would be so much easier if men did this more…or, would I end up annoyed like he probably is? lol
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Jonesi – I see where you’re coming from. If I don’t ask, he will never tell me, just let it sit and eat at him. So I try to make the effort because I know the whole “We need to talk…” is just not going to come from him! 🙂
Crafthubby says
I wish we were complaining about the same things, at least then I would understand.
My wife and I have been going at it for a while now and I cant seem to get her to understand. My complaint to her is how her main focus is on her crafts, knitting, quiliting, and sewing. Her complaint to me is that I don’t have a hobby so I am jealous of hers. I fix computers as a hobby so I have something to do!, I just don’t join groups that I have to pay for and provide outside commitments that take me away from the home. We can’t even sit together and watch a movie without her having something in her hands.
I have begun doing spiteful things, like not controlling the remote so that she has to stop what she is doing, having my laptop there just so that I can’t pay attention. It got soo bad that for the past 3 weeks no laundry was done, (I just buy new outfits every couple of days) and I have been going to bed without her because she has been staying up late for a commitment to her crafts. I drive us to work and home everyday, do the shopping , cleanup when she cooks, and put my clothes away and make a separate bag for my daughter when she does the laundry. I wish I could get her to understand that me complaining about what is pulling her away from the home may make me find entertainment outside of the home.
Tesha says
wow CraftHubby sorry to hear about that! Have you flat out told her that her commitment to her hobbies are causing you to look outside of the home for entertainment? I’m not married but I would think that if my significant other said something like this to me, I would most certainly stop what I’m doing and pay attention!
Martha A. Snowden says
I would be very careful about trying to emotionally blackmail your wife into addressing your needs the way that you see fit, I would also suggest that you begin by looking inward at yourself and fix things within yourself and the marriage. Declaring that he will be causing you to look outside your marriage for your ‘entertainment’ reeks of you wanting looking for excuses to di what you really want to do, ppl don’t go outside their marriage for any reason other than they want to….a better approach may be to explain that you feel she is not making you and your marriage relationship the priority and give her some ideas of how she can address your needs while not trying to make her feel guilty for doing somethingshe obviously enjoys…maybe you andshe can participate in some activities outside the home that you both enjoy