by Tara Pringle Jefferson
Despite my best efforts, at times I’ve found myself looking around at other couples and feeling that familiar pang of jealousy. Maybe it’s their ability to be affectionate 24/7, the way they effortlessly work to make sure the other person has what they need, or it’s the fact that they just seem to be so happy all the time.
I used to brush off these feelings and chide myself for envying anyone else’s life when my own life is pretty stinking good. But I recently read this article from Psychology Today by Dr. Mary C. Lamia about how jealousy is a natural part of a life and we should embrace it rather than criticize ourselves:
In evolutionary terms, securing your tie to a partner would have enormous benefits, and thus, jealously and the responses it evokes serve to protect one’s self-interest in a partnership. A rival, in caveman days, might meet a dreadful fate. But in contemporary society, for the most part, jealously tends to make the jealous party appear and feel weak, insecure, inferior, needy, and lacking in self-esteem. The jealous person is often plagued by uncertainty and quietly lonely…In any case, one who is jealous has a few things to learn.
By spending more time examining our jealous feelings and less time ignoring them, we learn what we ache for. Jealousy isn’t about the other person, but about a deficit you face in your own life. Next time you get jealous of another couple ask yourself:
- What is it about this person’s situation that I would like to see in my life?
- Is the thing I’ve coveting really that awesome?
- How can I make the changes to eliminate this feeling?
- Have I taken the good things in my life for granted?
By addressing feelings of jealousy, you often hit feelings of inadequacy. The worst thing to do is to let those feelings fester and develop into full-blown resentment.
BMWK family – have you ever found yourself jealous of other couples? How did you fix it?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.
When you feel jealous of another couple, ask yourself “am I willing to take whatever is bad in their relationship in order to get the good?” Probably not. If you want someone else’s life, you have to take all of it.
I agree with this statement, but I don’t think the author was talking about the other person’s entire life. We have to be honest with ourselves and know that it is a natural thing to be slightly envious of others. Acting on that in a negative manner, however, is not. For instance, I think it’s okay to be envious of someone else’s job if that motivates you to get out there and set the wheels in motion for your own self. But, if that causes you to be mean and spiteful or try to knock the other person out of that position, it’s not ok.
I agree with this statement, but I don’t think the author was talking about the other person’s entire life. We have to be honest with ourselves and know that it is a natural thing to be slightly envious of others. Acting on that in a negative manner, however, is not. For instance, I think it’s okay to be envious of someone else’s job if that motivates you to get out there and set the wheels in motion for your own self. But, if that causes you to be mean and spiteful or try to knock the other person out of that position, it’s not ok.
You know i never been jealous over another couples,but a lot of times,i often think of what if…but if y’all feel that way,try joting down the positive things,that y’all know that can be better in y’all relationship,and work on it…
The ‘what if’ is a version of jealousy. It’s just not the extreme form of jealousy of which we tend to think.
The ‘what if’ is a version of jealousy. It’s just not the extreme form of jealousy of which we tend to think.
What if you are close to the jealous/resentful people? How do you continue to be an awesome couple around them without feeling guilty knowing that they hate on them???
Boogie,
My husband and I are in this situation. What we do is continue to be ourselves and if one of the couple says something to hate on us, we usually either laugh it off, call them out for hatin’ (with love of course–LOL) or try to point out the strengths in their marriage. This has worked well because the number of hatin’ statements have diminished.
Me,Myself,and I would blame such ignorance on them for not knowing,what they do…
hmmm….I don’t know…there is a way that seems right to man, but in the end leads to …. I’m good with a good ‘ole “do not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, oxen, etc”. LOL Just b/c we have a tendency toward certain behaviors doesn’t mean we should embrace it. It’s important to understand why you are jealous and try to deal with the issues.
Yes, the Bible says not to covet, but there are varying degrees of jealousy and not all of them bad…much like not all hunger equals gluttony or all drinking equals drunkness.
I think the author means embrace jealousy in a way that means that you accept that you are capable of jealousy and that that reaction for some situations is normal. So,
I guess acceptance would be a better word. Once you accept your own faults, then you can actively work toward fixing them. Remember the Scripture, Matthew 7:5: “…first take the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
When you embrace this emotion, it doesn’t mean wallow in it and become bitter, but instead is a prompt for self examination.
You and Debt Free are both right. I’m trying to get us to deal with WHY we are jealous and see that it is simply an opportunity for growth. 🙂
Very interesting article. I must say that I don’t necessarily agree with the viewpoint that it is a “deficit” per se. I do feel that whatever it is that we admire in another person’s relationship is something that we could work towards and/or create our own version of what it is that we admire and incorporate into our own marriage or relationship.
There are several positive relationship attributes that I admire (not covet) in several of my friends marriages. Does that make me an envious person who is jealous of that relationship? Absolutely not. I simply admire its positives and seek ways to bring that into my own marriage. And the same could be said about my friends when they look at my marriage from the outside.
Instead of using the negative word that is “jealous,” I like to put a positive spin on this whole thing and simply say that we admire and inspire the best in and of our marriages.
I think there is a difference between “jealousy” and “admiration” – I don’t view the two as interchangeable. This article was talking about jealousy specifically.
I might look at a couple and feel, yes, jealous of some aspect. Maybe the husband cooks wonderful meals for his wife all the time and my microwave-and-go husband suddenly looks a little lackluster. LOL. But what I’m suggesting is, instead of being turned off by the Lean Cuisine your hubby might cook up and wondering why he can’t be like Gourmet Hubby around the corner, I’m suggesting you change your mindset and get to the bottom of it. Figure out what you’re REALLY craving and get it. I think we’re saying the same thing, but in different ways….