After reading Eric’s thought-provoking post last week on what happens when you treat your spouse like your enemy, my brain was working overtime. While I definitely think no good can come from forgetting that our spouse is, in fact, on our side, the article made me think about what happens when we treat our spouse like they don’t matter.
For example, every time I’m away from my kids, the scene looks the same when we are reunited. My eyes instantly light up and I am genuinely glad to see them. My kids run to me and grab my ankles. “Mommy’s here! Mommy’s here!” I feel like a rock star knowing that someone is that excited to see me. Chances are, if you have young kids in the house, this sounds familiar to you.
Now compare that to what happens when spouses greet each other after a long day apart. What happens when you come home? How does your spouse greet you? Do they even greet you at all?
We all (and by “we,” I mean humans) want to feel important to someone. We want to feel like we matter. But when the one person in our life that’s supposed to be by our side through thick and thin begins to act ambivalent toward us, it can shake our belief and confidence in the relationship.
If we start taking our significant other for granted, the relationship will surely suffer. How can you get into a spirit of validating your spouse every day? A few questions to ask yourself:
1) How does your day start? Do you kiss good morning? Once you wake up, are you up and moving to the next thing, or do you ask your spouse how they slept? Do you talk at all in the mornings? Try to get into a routine where you start the day focusing on each other. Even if it’s only five minutes before you get out the bed, that time together still matters.
2) When you ask your spouse, “How was your day?” just how intently are you listening? When they say, “Janice was so mean today,” do you know who Janice is? Do you do your usual post-work chat while the kids are awake and running around, demanding part of your attention? Maybe you could spend the first 15 minutes after the kids go to sleep to discuss your day and other pressing matters. You want your spouse to feel like they are important to you – giving them your full attention is one way to make that happen.
3) How do you respond when your spouse asks you to change a habit they find annoying? Are you defensive or brush off their comments? If you look at it through their eyes, the fact that they brought it up means its important enough for them to bring it to your attention. By brushing off their concerns or not taking them seriously, you’re not validating their opinions or emotions.
Have you been doing a good job of validating your spouse’s feelings/opinions/accomplishments? Where could you make some improvements?
Wadodavis says
My husband and I have been married for four years and after going through a tumultuous 3 years, we began to do things that would bring us closer. One of those things is that we cannot leave one another without a kiss and a hug. We do the same thing upon our return. It has helped us so much and I, as a wife, truly appreciate my husband’s affection.
Anonymous says
I think affection is one of the sustained means of communicating in our 20 year marriage, Flirting in one thing we constantly do. It says a lot about how we feel, and where each of us is that day or moment.
Nayo says
God Bless you for writing this article! Thank you!
CG
Roger Madison says
Are you Validating Your Spouse Every Day?
The subject of this post should be included in “critical success factors for marriage.” We are accustomed to using these terms about business, but don’t often think in these terms about our marriage. Let me add a testimonial from 45 years of marriage (our 45th anniversary is on September 11th).
“Validating your spouse every day is the single most important factor in seeding the growth of your relationship.”
Looking back on our 45 years, we have committed to a small but essential element of every day. We start and end every separation (even going to the gtrocery store), and punctuate every telephone conversation with “I love you.” What this has challenged us to do subtly is to consider the substance of these words, and not just the rote repetition. During the first few years of our marriage we set about accepting the challenge of helping each other to make progress every day toward becoming all that each of us could be. Sometimes, our individual desires created stress, but we challenged each other to consider what we meant when we said, “I am doing this for our family.” Deep within this general statement evolved the commitment to “validate each other as critical success factors in our family.”
Now, 45 years later, I can speak confidently and proudly in any setting about all that my wife has become. And she has a track record to confirm all that she has done to support my goals and ambitions. Together, we are very different than when we married, but we can look at the progress of our constant validation as something that brings lost of satisfaction to our relationship, and a role model for our children and grandchildren.
Lamar says
Thanks again for leaving powerful nuggets of marriage information in our comment section. Do you or have you and your wife ever considered writing a book about everything the two of you have learned over the past 45 years? Seems like it would definitely be a good read. If you do have one please let us know where to pick it up.
Tara Pringle says
I agree with Lamar. You have a lot of wisdom that needs to be shared. 🙂
Urbonita1 says
Thank you. 45yrs Congrats. Keep adding your comments you are an expert, and great example. Like Lamare asked, Where is your book? You have been married as long as I’ve been alive.
no comment says
I had a guy I was dating ask me how my day was on a daily basis and I hated it only because I am not happy with my job and I didn’t want to complain so I just was always very short with my ans and finally told him he didn’t have to ask about my day anymore and I think I offended him. I wanted to hear about his day cause he was happy in his career and always had something new and exciting to share. Validation is def. important very good post.
Briana Myricks says
Great points Tara. In the morning, hubby kisses me before he goes to work (he clocks in at 6am) and when he gets home he kisses me again. I ask how was work, I listen and make sure I interact. I think it’s a pretty good exchange of validation but I’ll be sure to actually look for other ways.
Tonya says
i once attended a party…a nd one of the lady’s there said… you know my husband has never asked me how was my day.. how are you doing.. and i was sooo amazed how does that happened she had been married 10 years… is not only the big things but that the “little” things that brings it marriage together.
Ldickerson2011 says
This was right on time for me thanks so much!!!
Martha A. Snowden says
My husband and I make it a point that whenever either of us leaves to go anywhere out of the house we kiss and hug the kids and then we take time to kiss hug and tell each other face to face that we love each other, even when we are spitting mad. It makes a lot of difference. For one thing , even in the middle of an argument it helps to back up the “I’m here for the long haul” assertion , also it gives us the chance to engage positively and let each other knwo while we may disagree or be hurt or angry it is temporary. We also have an agreement that he calls me on his lunch break fromwork everytime, and we speak about his day and we say I love you , He works nights a lot so he calls me to say I’m leaving and I love you this way I m not sitting up waiting and worried. (I’m a worrier and prego) when he gets home he gets kisses and we always try to say good night to each other although admittedly sometimes my good night/love you kisses happen while Im alseep. It really helps to keep us grounded and it is a tool we started so he could connect with being emotionally supportive /expressive and expanded to a loving routine that means something to both of us
Jody Forbes-Sheppard says
I loved the article and everyone’s comments, I just wanted to add one thing. Something that I do that I feel is important is to tell my husband thank you. When he opens my car door, when he compliments me, when he carries something heavy for me, etc. I think its important to let him know, I appreciate what he does for me and that I don’t take him for granted.
Cindy- Doll Carpenter says
wow -love is awesome!!!
Cindy- Doll Carpenter says
love is awesome!!!
Cindy- Doll Carpenter says
love is awesome!!!