My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for 6 months. Some would say we’re still in the honeymoon phase but we feel like we’ve been together forever. As newlyweds, we’re still settling into our lives with each other, including living together and pursuing our individual and joint goals. We’re often met with the age old question by family and friends, and the question has us thinking, “Is a baby next?”
Sure, we’re adults in the sense of our age, we provide for ourselves, and we’re mature, but we both agree that we have a lot of growing up to do. When we log on to Facebook, every two weeks we find another one of our friends or former classmates is expecting or has had a baby. Out of the dozens of peers who are new mothers and fathers, I’d say 90% of them are not married. Most of the new parents are no longer together. Even more frightening, many of them don’t have jobs with benefits. So these are most certainly not ideal conditions to have a child.
Babies are such a joy and a blessing, so when I see these children, I instantly start thinking of my own. Of course there’s thoughts like who will they look like, what will their personality be, and how will we do as parents. Baby fever is real amongst newlyweds, and you can say the pressure is on. We both agree we want children, but there’s no agreement as to when. We hear all the time from our mothers that there’s no right time to have a child. We were both unplanned, but our parents were in situations that they could financially handle a new addition. However if we can help it, we’d like to accomplish a few things before we bring a new bundle of joy into this world. I have my own baby bucket list of goals I’d like to cross off before having a son or daughter, but as a couple, we agree on a few things:
- Own a home: Right now we’re renting, and we’re in our second home since we moved in together. We want to have a stable environment for our future son or daughter to grow up in. Moving can be stressful on a family, but especially for a child. It’d be nice to live in the same home for years.
- Have full time jobs with benefits: This is a huge goal for both of us. I was laid off in January, right after I passed my 90 day probation and was eligible for benefits. My husband was laid off in September, and with his job went the benefits. I’m now freelancing and my husband’s going back to school. This is certainly not the time to have a baby. We want to ensure we have a steady income and benefits for our child.
- Enjoy each other for a while: So many couples rush into building their family and miss out on the precious time they have alone with each other. We don’t want to do that. Once we become parents, it’ll never be “just us” again until they build their own families, which would take a couple of decades. There’s still so much to learn about each other and enjoy together without worrying about another mouth to feed and little person to take care of. We want to travel and vacation, which would be a lot more difficult with a baby in tow.
So whenever we find ourselves catching baby fever, we ask ourselves are we ready, and the answer is always no. Babies aren’t accessories, although that’s what some people would lead you to believe. I’m not ready for morning sickness, constant bathroom trips, and odd cravings. That’s a right of passage I’m going to delay at least for the next couple of years.
How soon after getting married did you want to have kids? Were you able to stick to your plan?
Great article! I feel as though it was written for me! My husband and I just got married July 15 and we have baby fever…BAD! But as you said we’re renting, I have a full time job with benefits but he’s not happy in his job and is searching for something more lucrative, and I’m in grad school which I plan to finish prior to bringing a baby into the equation. However, y our situation is somewhat different. My husband is 47 and I’m 24. We are very concerned about waiting very much longer to start having children because of his age. He wants to enjoy as much time with our children as possible in good health and able body. So in a way time seems to be applying some of the pressure but we’ve decided to at least try to wait until I’ve received my Master’s degree and he has a job that he’s satisfied with.
sounds like a good plan. We are similar to you as far as age difference. We did children all out of order but our blended family is doing just find. I’m in school now, BA, and right behind that I will be doing the Masters, with kids. It’s hard, but doable. Best advice, stick to your goal/plans; eat healthier, and live longer. Stay blessed!
Thanks! You guys definitely have more pressure than we do, but I think you came to a great compromise. And children keep you young, so your husband will feel rejuvenated no matter when you have them.
Great advice you gave in this article – this is exactly what my husband and I did. Actually two out of the three were in placeon our wedding day – we purchased a home together to move into, and we both had good jobs with benefits. We did spend 4 years getting to know each other as husband and wife before the kids came along. We had a blast travelling the world and just spending time together. I am really grateful for that time, because now that we have to dedicate more time and attention to our children, there is no jealousy/resentment on either of our parts.
That’s something I hear A LOT, that spouses feel jealousy/resentment when kids come along, and it’s great that you guys spent the necessary time with each other to ensure that doesn’t happen. Even better that these things were in place on your wedding day!
My husband and I just got married in March. We also get that question alot!! I’m 30 and his 35 (he has 2 children and I have none). I wasn’t really into the whole having kids thing but it’s something about being with someone I’m so in love with that is making me want to do it, but life isn’t perfect and we do have these big plans for ourselves before we bring a child into the world together. So what we did was make a very doable goal list with a timeline and that’s what we are working toward. So prayerfully by this time next year I should be pregnant with our goals accomplished!!
Sounds great Deidre! As long as you and your husband are comfortable, that’s all that matters. Nothing worse than bringing a child into the world due to pressure.
I am not married, but I would love to have a child one day. In my singleness, I am trusting GOD for the right man for me. When my future husband and I do get married, I would hope that we will want to have childern and keep the door open to that opportunity. Meaning, not using any techniques to prevent child birth. In the meantime, I intend to be prepare for possible child birth by regularly working out and eating healthy, and when I meet my future husband this will be one of the topics to discuss prior to the I do’s to ensure we are on the same page. I strongly believe that using your singlehood as a time to prepare emotional and spiritually skill needed to form a family, and trusting GOD for the union….instead of waiting until you are married to get prepared for a family.
Amen! Having children is honestly a personal decision before it becomes a joint one. When couples aren’t on the same page about it, it could definitely be a deal breaker. I’m so glad to hear you’re trusting God to bless you with the right man. He’s always on time.
Amen sister. I am in agreement with you that your man is on his way. As you prepare yourself, believe that God is preparing him. Be blessed!
Amen to that my sister.You are on the right track.Continue putting God first,and you will definitely have your heart’s desires.
Preparing yourself for marriage while you’re single is a GREAT idea.
Marriage is extremely different than single life and you need to be prepare to share everything and sacrifice yourself for the common good of your family.
I also trusted God for my mate and it was the BEST thing I ever did.
He sent me Mr Right and will send you yours!
Now, my husband and I are expecting our first child.
We may not be as financially prepared as we wanted to be but we believe that God will supply our needs for this baby.
Take care and get ready for your blessing!
🙂
When
I was reading this article, I just KNEW you were the one writing it! I was JUST
having this conversation with my husband this week. AND I found out another one
of my friends is pregnant. I drives me bunks bcus I really want to
start our family NOW but I know we’re not ready for it. And theres NO need in
us putting ourselves into a situation we dont have to be in to early. We
did enough of that when we were dating and it never ended well. My big
sister told me when I was in high school, if you really wanna baby, buy a old
car. Then my mom told me once I got married, if I
really wanted a baby, go borrows someones baby for the weekend. Ive tried it.
That will kill that baby fever right quick. Its not a permanent fix but its a
start. But since we (you all and us) are young and it does seem like EVERYONE
we used to know has a baby or is getting ready to have a baby, were making the
most mature decision we can by choosing to wait and get established first and
get to know our life mates first! The bible calls us to be as good stewards of Gods varied grace (1 Peter 4:10) and its only by grace that weve made it this far (no kids no
bm/bd drama). We have the unique opportunity to develop ourselves and our lives
and really fuse together before we bring children into this world. SO as
exciting as it may seem, us as Young couples really have to take our time
before starting a family. Besides, we got the advantage were in our early 20s!
TONS of time before our eggs goes bad or anything… lol. LOVE your work and keep
up the good work!
Roni you are so right. Taking care of someone else’s kids is almost an instant fix for baby fever lol. I have a young cousin who just turned 3, and every time I babysit, I’m reminded that I can certainly wait a while haha. I love him to death but he is BUSY! Your family as well as mine will be ready to grow at the right time, and like you said, it’s by grace we made it this far. Let’s keep it going! Thank you for your support 🙂
Excellent article…I definitely agree 100 percent!
We didnt really have any concrete plans or timelines for having children. Once we were married, we knew children would come. We didnt really use bc the first year and by our 1st anniversary we had our son. We didnt buy our first home until after we had 3 children, but we always had jobs with benefits – or had decent jobs. by the time i got married i had my BS, my husband completed his undergrad while working and while our household continued to grow. i always worked. He also went to Grad school while working. Once he got his degree, many years later I went back to school and also got mine. Having children early, made both of us stronger.
what’s my point? we had/have great faith in God. Children are indeed blessings from the Lord and each child brought us to another goal (probably sooner and in ways that we did not anticipate).
Don’t do anything because I say so, do it because it’s right for you – I’m just sharing my experience.
Not everyone needs a timeline, and it sounds like it worked for you and your husband. It makes me happy to hear that people make it despite things not going as planned, because I tend to freak out if something doesn’t go as I anticipate. I’ve been on birth control for years so I can delay it a little longer, but your children are a blessing (and never ending lessons) for sure!
That is so true. My husband and I have been married 3 yrs and people ask us all the time when we are having kids. I am a graphic designer working in retail right now and since I graduated in 2007. I have not had a job in my field that lasted no more than 3 months. Then I had a daycare job that I did for a year and quit because it was not for me. My husband has had the same job for 4yrs and he wants children but we can’t afford children. I don’t want to have children just because we can have someone to take care of us when we get old. I don’t want to be like my younger cousins that have 3 children but no job. I have a BFA in Graphic Design for GOD sakes and it is hard to explain to my husband to not pay attention to baby fever. He says he want children but we are just going to have to wait. If our financial situation does not change by the time I am 35yrs old then NO CHILDREN FOR US. I think he will get the point when I am 35yrs and he notice our situation is the same. If you are struggling paycheck to paycheck then not using Birth Control is not the smart thing to do. CHILDREN COST MONEY PERIOD.
I definitely understand! And I could high five you for saying “I don’t want to have children just because we can have someone to take care of us when we get old.” So many people do! You have to provide for children, and if you don’t have to struggle, you shouldn’t. I pray your situation changes and allows you to have children comfortably.
think about it back then we didnt have 2 wait the long 2 have children so why should we now..??ijs baby fever is serious 4 me 2 every one wants me 2 finish my school frist and have a great job b4 i start…so i really dont know wat 2do i guess prayin and fasting cant hurt pray and ask God when and where and what 2 do! 🙂
God will definitely give you the answer. You have to do what makes you happy. Society, family and friends can’t tell you how to live. Just think about the reasons you want to have a child, and make sure they’re the right reasons.
I understand the author’s point. However, there is a flip side to every “conversation”. This article assumes that when the aforementioned husband & wife decide they are unselfish enough to “ready” their lives for a child that they will be fortunate enough to get pregnant just for trying a few times. Deciding to have a baby is just like deciding to get married in a lot of ways. It’s at the point that you decide you want to unselfishly, unconditionally humble your life in shared commitment to another person for better or for worse. It shouldn’t be much about money or circumstances. I understand wanting to be smart, prepared & stable prior to caring for a little one, but I don’t think anyone should make the mistake of believing that mother nature will wait for you until everything in your life aligns perfectly & satisfactorily enough when you are “ready”. There are millions of people who are now spending the same money & precious time they prepared all those years getting “ready” on IVF procedures, freezing eggs, and etc instead of raising a baby because they had so much in their own plans to do before they realized God had a plan too. It’s nothing like being ready & still having to expensively hurry up and wait, with no guarantees. Trust me.
Thanks for your comment Harmonee. You’re right, it works different for every couple. For us, Mother Nature can wait because I’ve been on birth control for years. I’m praying that when the time comes, we’re ready and able, but if not, I’m glad there’s different methods of conceiving.
Harmonee, I completely agree with your thoughts. In my 20s, I certainly had a plan, but as I entered my 30s, all I can do is laugh! If the plan was the same, I’d either be a prophet or a stubborn fool. Having a vision is great, but having the ability to be flexible is wisdom. And having to utilize conception methods, such as IVF, is not the same as buying the dress you wanted in blue only because they didn’t have it in black. It’s a painful – emotionally & physically – and costly process; not a slightly disappointing runner-up option.
To the author, great job on writing such a interest-generating piece!
My husband and I were together for 4 yrs. prior to getting married. Afterward, we purposefully waited two yrs. before getting pregnant. That was the best decision we ever made as a couple for we have no regrets. As you stated within the article, we traveled extensively, went out to dinner and a movie in the middle of the night, we just had plain old fun together prior to my pregnancy. Now we have a gorgeous little girl (she’s six) and is so full of life and energy. The pressure is on by others for us to have another one and quickly but I’m indifferent. I figure since I’m 33 yrs. old, time for now is on my side. I would love to get pregnant again, but I’m truly enjoying our little nucleous of three for now also. Having one child is so easy when compared to having muliples, but in due season we will buckle down and have at least one more pregnancy (then I’m done). I LOVE children, but I cant see myself waddling every year or so.
Word to the wise- Enjoy the season you’re in and pray for strenghth/wisdom before, during, and after you transition into the next. Blessings to all!
My husband and I were also together 4 years (4 and a half, actually) prior to getting married. I wanted to wait 1 year before getting pregnant but he was a bit more eager. He was already 30 and wanted to start a family within a timeframe that still allowed him to be “young” enough to actively enjoy our children. We made it to 10 months into our marriage before getting pregnant. The one downfall for me was that we had already planned our anniversary trip to Vegas and I felt limited re:the what I could do since I was tired and sensitive to smoke and smells. We now have a 4.5 year old and 17 month old and we are done. While we absolutely miss having time toto ourselves, it has worked out well for us. Now 6 years into our marriage and 10 years into our relationship we are still happily married and just feel like seasoned newlyweds ;-).
Congratulations on your children 🙂 10 months is still a nice amount of time to spend together as a married couple. It’s awesome to still have that newlywed feeling after years of being together.
My husband had baby fever although he understood the reason for waiting. We had known each other 6 years before we got married so people would say to us, “You guys know each other so go ahead and have some babies”. We agreed to wait 3-4 years and after I had a chance to go back to school and completed that goal, it was around the 3 year mark. We just knew that the right time was here so that was when we started trying.
I am so happy we waited, those 3 years were critical for us to connect with each other as a couple and I would not change that. We both agreed we would have not been the parents we pride ourselves to be nor have the wonderful marriage and level of intimacy that we share had we conceived right away. To each it’s on but I think it best to wait, at least a little while. #lovedthisarticle
Thank you for sharing! If you don’t mind me asking, what did you two do in those 3 years that you believe would’ve been different or not happened at all if you had children?
My husband and I got pregnant shortly after getting married and now 51/2 years of marriage later we have 3 beautiful children. For us it was the best decision. It makes you unselfish and realize that its not about us or our individual happiness. We had to think about more than just us and it made us overlook the petty nonsenese that couples can fight about. We know we’ll be together for the long hall because we wamt a stable 2 parent household for our children, the same that he and I were blessed to grow up in. So it’s a personal decision for couples and for us having kids early in our marriage has made our relationship even stronger.
I can agree with the author.
My husband and I have been married a little over a year…but we did not get the “average” newlywed experience because I have a child from a previous relationship. (she’s 4)
She has taught me so much about myself as a woman, mother, and now wife.
Although my husband adores my daughter (well ours, since we’re in the process of adopting) but he obviously wants one of his own.
We’ve been discussing it alot lately, and do have plans to procreate within the next year or so, but there’s so much more that we want to do before we take that plunge. Including securing a home.
In the meantime we’ll enjoy our daughter, and the lessons she continues to show us, and when the time is right, we’ll gladlly give in to the pitter patter of little feet.
Great article Briana and great reasons for waiting to start your family. We started our marriage already having a 1 year old. I love that you are planning in advance and taking time to enjoy the time with just the two of you.
Great article! Everyone is talking about planning for children.. Well my husband and I have been married for 4 years and had baby fever as soon as we got married.. Unfortunately, it wasn’t in God’s plan that I conceive a child right now… This has taken a toll on our marriage, but things have gotten better. It doesn’t help that all of our friends have had children within these last 4 years. But through prayer, I know that God’s Will be done.
my husband and i decided to wait a few years before before planning a family; i am currently pregnant after almost 5 yrs of marriage. we personally wante to have time together to do things as a couple; however, I do believe it is up te couple; just so long as the topic is discussed and planned if at all possible. seems that when thigs just happen, it can cause a lot of stress on the couple. planning; either way; is key.
Great advice, but I feel like you’re indirectly putting down single-parent households by saying that it’s not ideal to have the parents no longer together or they’re unmarried. For all you know, the relationship that the baby came from was an abusive one, and it’s that much better to have the abuser out of the picture. Of course I agree that having a full-time job with benefits is ideal, but just because a parent is alone doesn’t mean that if he/she had a partner, the situation would be more ideal for the child.