“Be sure to set the bar at a level you’re willing to sustain over time.”
I was given this piece of advice long before I ever thought about getting married and I am glad I retained the knowledge I learned from that conversation.
Marriage can make us do crazy things. The title upgrade from “boyfriend/girlfriend” to “husband/wife” is such a glorious and life-changing experience. As a result, we sometimes do things to make our spouses happy, but end up tiring of doing them over time.
Case in point: when my parents got married, my mom, like most women, wanted to be a great wife, so she decided she’d cook my dad breakfast in bed every morning, even weekends. This lasted about six months or so. Ultimately, she got tired of playing June Cleaver and abruptly ended this arrangement.
Dad started waking up wondering where his breakfast in bed was; Mom was like, “Make it yourself.”
Imagine the conundrum she unnecessarily created by setting the bar at a level she later realized she wasn’t willing to sustain. Needless to say, there were many, MANY arguments about this until they finally moved on. (I’m happy to say they are still married after 45 years.)
It’s all about being fair to your spouse, as well as to yourself. You can’t expect your mate to become accustomed to something, only to have to taken away, and be okay with it ““ especially if it’s something they enjoy or take pride in. Whether it’s as simple as bringing your wife flowers every Friday after work or a bit more complicated, like allowing your husband to handle all the household finances, you simply cannot alter the nature of a practice you’ve either created or allowed to happen, and expect not to have some backlash.
And backlash is no good. Who wants to argue over something so avoidable?
BMWK family – what’s one habit you had earlier in your relationship, but dropped because it took too much effort, or you got too busy, or it was too expensive? Is there another habit you could develop in the same vein that your spouse might appreciate? Do some thinking and get back to us!
I became a housewife while pregnant with our 5th child who will be 3 in June. After healing from my csection and getting back on track I picked up doing about 80% of the household chores which included ironing all uniforms for kids and hubby’s work clothes. I kept this up from August when they went back to school through the entire school year, that summer and into the next school year….and then one day I stopped. I don’t remember why I stopped, it just happened and I never looked back. Now looking back on it, I found that my family took it for granted that they had nothing to do, the kids’ rooms started to look like a war zone and my husband actually fussed at me a couple of times over not using starch on several of his shirts. I haven’t picked up a new “habit” that benefits the whole brood but I am doing school with our toddler daily and cleaning up behind him which leaves me exhausted at the end of the day.
I became a housewife while pregnant with our 5th child who will be 3 in June. After healing from my csection and getting back on track I picked up doing about 80% of the household chores which included ironing all uniforms for kids and hubby’s work clothes. I kept this up from August when they went back to school through the entire school year, that summer and into the next school year….and then one day I stopped. I don’t remember why I stopped, it just happened and I never looked back. Now looking back on it, I found that my family took it for granted that they had nothing to do, the kids’ rooms started to look like a war zone and my husband actually fussed at me a couple of times over not using starch on several of his shirts. I haven’t picked up a new “habit” that benefits the whole brood but I am doing school with our toddler daily and cleaning up behind him which leaves me exhausted at the end of the day.
I became a housewife while pregnant with our 5th child who will be 3 in June. After healing from my csection and getting back on track I picked up doing about 80% of the household chores which included ironing all uniforms for kids and hubby’s work clothes. I kept this up from August when they went back to school through the entire school year, that summer and into the next school year….and then one day I stopped. I don’t remember why I stopped, it just happened and I never looked back. Now looking back on it, I found that my family took it for granted that they had nothing to do, the kids’ rooms started to look like a war zone and my husband actually fussed at me a couple of times over not using starch on several of his shirts. I haven’t picked up a new “habit” that benefits the whole brood but I am doing school with our toddler daily and cleaning up behind him which leaves me exhausted at the end of the day.
I became a housewife while pregnant with our 5th child who will be 3 in June. After healing from my csection and getting back on track I picked up doing about 80% of the household chores which included ironing all uniforms for kids and hubby’s work clothes. I kept this up from August when they went back to school through the entire school year, that summer and into the next school year….and then one day I stopped. I don’t remember why I stopped, it just happened and I never looked back. Now looking back on it, I found that my family took it for granted that they had nothing to do, the kids’ rooms started to look like a war zone and my husband actually fussed at me a couple of times over not using starch on several of his shirts. I haven’t picked up a new “habit” that benefits the whole brood but I am doing school with our toddler daily and cleaning up behind him which leaves me exhausted at the end of the day.
I became a housewife while pregnant with our 5th child who will be 3 in June. After healing from my csection and getting back on track I picked up doing about 80% of the household chores which included ironing all uniforms for kids and hubby’s work clothes. I kept this up from August when they went back to school through the entire school year, that summer and into the next school year….and then one day I stopped. I don’t remember why I stopped, it just happened and I never looked back. Now looking back on it, I found that my family took it for granted that they had nothing to do, the kids’ rooms started to look like a war zone and my husband actually fussed at me a couple of times over not using starch on several of his shirts. I haven’t picked up a new “habit” that benefits the whole brood but I am doing school with our toddler daily and cleaning up behind him which leaves me exhausted at the end of the day.
I don’t have an answer to the question, but will be asking my wife this evening. But this piece of advice has been truly an eye opener for me. Now I understand some stuff that never caused an argument (we really don’t argue), but definitely left me confused.
Thank you, Thank you and Thank you.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
While I understand the idea of trying to manage expectations, I think people need to be more realistic about expecting people to always do the same things in a marriage. As scary as it is, things–situations, desires, motivations, etc., they change. And to expect someone not to change is unrealistic. The marriages that I’ve seen last recognize that maintaining the relationship means being willing and able to renegotiate things.
I AM LOVING THIS SPOUSE CHALLENGE, IT IS REALLY HELPING ME TO SEE WHAT PART OF MY RELATIONSHIP NEEDS WORK.