When I was first informed of the BMWK topic for the week (blended families) I immediately thought I would have nothing to contribute this week. Thinking neither my husband nor I had children prior to our dating. But then it hit me, and I don’t know why it hadn’t before:I am a product of a blended family. I have been someone’s stepdaughter, half-sister and stepsister as long as I can remember. My parents hadn’t been together since I was a toddler. So I believe I do have something significant to add to this very meaningful subject.
As I think back on my childhood I admit having an immediate dislike for my stepmom. Almost as if I was supposed to. The question that always surfaced for me was, “Why her and not my mom?” Although my mom had remarried too, my frustration was with my dad. I put the responsibility on him for us not being a complete family and for me not having a full sibling with the same parents. As an adult I realize I was wrong. My stepmom has shown true love for me. Both of my parents did the best they could during that time. I would have suffered even more had they remained in a relationship neither of them wanted.
Once a child realizes they have no control over the choices their parents make, the anger starts to subside and they make the most of the life they are given. We move on, but sometimes we still hurt. Even as an adult with my own family, from time to time I still dwell on what I feel I missed. I love watching my husband with our girls. I think and want to express how blessed they are to grow up in a home with their dad; being able to see him and talk to him every day. I pray they never take it for granted. In a blended family, it’s important that the children created outside of the marriage are made to feel just as significant as the other children. They must be included in family vacations, reunions and be allowed to spend that quality time with their parent when needed. The key is to do what it takes to prevent them from ever feeling like an outsider.
My dad is very much in my life; we call and I visit when I can. But even with my visits, that occasional outsider feeling creeps in. My siblings, I share my father with, have great relationships with him, which further remind me I had been on the outside and that I’ve missed out on certain things. They don’t do this intentionally, of course. But it has felt awkward. I feel silly that as an adult those feelings still surface. However, I am learning that our relationship is ongoing and it will take effort from the both of us. I can’t change my childhood, but I do have control over our future relationship. And I am looking forward to it.
Thanks Tiya for sharing. The majority of families in the US now are blended so in most cases you are either in a blended family or come from one. Good to see that you eventually came around to your stepmom as you grew older and matured. I’m hoping that phase sinks in with my stepson and at some point when he becomes older he can look back and see who really was there on his side doing for him, looking out for his best interest and who was just giving lip service.
I DO UNDERSTAND FROM BOTH ENDS. I HAVE HALF SIBILINGS THAT WISH THEY WOULD OF GREW UP WITH MY FIVE SIBILINGS THAT MY MOM AND DAD HAD TOGETHER . I WOULD REALLY LOVE ON THEM AS IF WE WERE RAISED TOGETHER AND THEY JUST LOVE IT. NOW THAT I’M MUCH OLDER I’VE EXPERIENCE THE “BABY MAMA DRAMA TRAUMA” ALONG WITH MY HUSBAND. WE FOUND OUT HE HAD A DAUGHTER WHEN SHE WAS 8 YRS OLD YEAH MY THOUGHT EXACTLY-LOL! SHE WAS TAUGHT BY HER MOM AS WELL AS OUTSIDERS SUCH AS AUNTS, & SISTERS TO SHOW UNDESERVING LOVE TOWARDS MY HUBBY AND I. WELL WE DID’NT PLAY THAT GAME WITH EITHER OF THEM.SO AS TIME PAST ON HIS DAUGHTER TURNED 18 AND WANTED ANSWERS WHICH HER MOM WAS AND IS STILL TRYING TO LIE ABOUT. NOW HERE’S THE KEY POINT OF THIS “MY HUBBY’S DAUGHTER WAS A PRODUCT OF A ONE NIGHT STAND” AND EVEN AFTER THERE WAS NEVER A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO. THE DAUGHTER HAS DEVELOP A POSITIVE LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH US NOW THAT SHE KNOWS THE TRUTH AND WE PROVIDED PROOF TO SHOW HER THAT HER DAD WAS AND HAS COMPLETED HIS OBLIGATIONS TO PARTAKE IN HER LIFE EVEN THOUGH HER MOM KEPT HER FROM HIM AND AFTER THE BLOOD TEST. I STOOD BY HIS SIDE AND WATCHED HIM HANDLE THIS MATTER LIKE A PRO. OUR CONCERN IS TO KEEP IMPROVING OUR RELATIONSHIP SO OUR GRANDBABIES WON’T HAVE TO SUFFER FROM SOMEONE ELSES IGNORANCE.
I am not a stepchild nor do I have stepcildren, but I am a stepdaughter and have been for nearly 19 years now. My mom remarried when I was 20 years old and it was very hard to accept. I thought I had moved past my parents’ divorce by that time, but I realized I had not when I experienced so much pain in realizing my mom was moving on with someone else. I too was very angry at my Dad, blaming him for their divorce, but knowing them as grown people today ( and not just my mom and dad), I can see why they could not have been a match long-term. Since my husband did not grow up in a two-parent home either, we relish being able to give our kids a stable home with both parents. My stepfather is a very loving influence in my life, and while he is a quiet man, he has shown my brother and I over the years how much he values us, as he does not have biological kids of his own. I am thankful for the happiness and companionship he has brought into my mother’s life and the model of a strong,happy marriage that I have been able to see.
I am both the product of blended families, and also the perpetuator of one. There is a desire to have been able to have both my folks in the home together, but as i have gotten older, I realize it was best for them not to be. I have stepbrothers I never talk too, and halfbrothers I speak with every month or so. I could blame my folks, but that wouldn’t solve anything. I only hope that as she grows, my daughter realizes that my wife loves her as if she were her own biological child, and that any children my wife and I have, she is “our first born”. Having a daughter that I don’t see but a couple of times a week weighs heavily on my hear and mind, but I know that I try to see her as much as possible. As mentioned in the article, it is definitely necessary for my daughter to know she is loved by all her family, from my inlaws to her mother’s husband’s family, if and when she gets married.
I grew up in a blended family and actually love that I did. I have 3 stepbrothers from my stepdad, 1 stepbrother from my stepmom, and 2 half sisters from my dad. Everyone except my younger sister is part of a blended family. It worked out for us. Growing up I lived with my mom and stepdad. I actually appreciated my stepdad more than my dad because he was there and my dad would put my stepbrother on a pedestal and treat him like his biological son and me like the stepchild (I still sort of feel that way). As it turns out now, neither of my parents are with my stepparents, both from infidelity. I hate that I have so much information regarding both situations, because now my feelings that I had for my stepparents are completely diminished. I despise them as people. Not only because of what they did to my parents, but because of how they treat my siblings. I’ve never seen my stepbrothers as step; I always refer to them as my brothers. I hope that 1 day both of my parents will find someone to remarry (LAWD NOT EACH OTHER LOL). I could go on and on about this…