Divorce rates in America are about 49% for the 1st marriage, but goes up to 67% for the 2nd marriage and jumps up again for 3rd marriages. And I can image that the issues/complexities of dealing with a blended family contributes to the divorce rates of many remarriages.
Blending families is not easy! You are bringing together two families that have different customs and traditions, different ways and ideas about disciplining children, different loyalties (with the children often feeling conflicted or guilty about liking or even loving the new step parent) and outside influences such as the biological parent or other relatives trying to interject their two cents.
Here on BMWK most of our team has a blended family. So over the next couple of days, we will be sharing with you our experiences, some of our major challenges, and what tools or actions that we have used to strengthen our families and bring us together closer as a family unit.
When Lamar and I met, I already had 2 children, an 11 year old boy and a baby girl that was about to turn two years old. Since I married Lamar, I have felt the greatest joys and the worst heartaches of my life. My joy comes from the fact that I married a wonderful man that truly loves me. He is a great husband and is a great father to the kids. I am so blessed to have him in our lives as he is a true example of a responsible, loving, sacrificing, hard working, Christian man.
Even though I married a great man, we still have our share of struggles coming together as a blended family. My heartaches have come from the fact that I had this notion that we were going to be one big happy family, immediately. And when that did not work out, I felt hurt, disappointed and frustrated because everyone was not getting along the way they “should.” Lamar and the baby girl took to each other right away. She was his baby girl and he was her daddy. But that’s not uncommon when the stepchild is so young. However, this was not the case with my oldest son.
My son was twelve years old when we married. Initially, I tried to force “the one big happy family” idea on him, but he had issues with that idea (and understandably so.) So we had to let his relationship with Lamar build slowly and more naturally. From time to time, Lamar would offer to do things one on one with him. He did not always accept Lamar’s offers. But we had to stop trying to force a relationship. We had to realize that “one big happy family” did not happen over night and that it could take years for relationships to develop.
We also had to figure out the best way to discipline the kids after we were married. I have to be honest”….it was a struggle for me to see someone else discipline my kids. As the mother, I had this feeling that I needed to protect them. So I was always watching to make sure that they are being treated fairly. But I had to get over that and trust my husband’s decisions.
We did not always agree on how to discipline them. And in my mind I was thinking, is he being too hard on them? After Lamar and I had two more kids together, I was able to see that he was consistent in the way he disciplined all of the kids. I came to realize that he and I have different backgrounds and we just do things differently.
But one thing that I think we do well is to remain united in front of the kids (and any extended family that wants to poke their noses in our business.) We do not disagree with each other in front of the kids. We wait until we are alone and address our differences then. And I have to admit, it has not been easy hearing someone criticize my kids. We had some real heated arguments about the kids that sometimes led to tears being shed. But no matter what, Lamar always reassures me that he loves me and the kids and that he wants to do whatever it takes to make things work. We stick together, we work as a team and we do whatever it takes to keep our marriage strong. We know that the odds are against marriages working and they are even worse for marriages with blended families. So we are very proactive in protecting our marriage from all of these issues that could easily destroy it if we are not careful.
BMWK Family – Can any of you relate to our challenges? Please share some of the things you have done to strengthen your blended families?
Click the link to see more posts from Blended Families Week.
Aja says
Great Post- Although, my post this week I think has all the same issues in it. I may need to change it up-lol. I had one child when I met my husband. She has always been a Daddy’s girl, so getting her to build a relationship with someone else was difficult in the beginning. I always felt I had to strike that balance between encouraging her to warm up to my husband while also letting her know that he wasn’t going to replace her father, which was not always easy, especially at first.
Gee Renee says
Thanks for such a great post. Although I am not a part of a blended family, I was still able to glean nuggets of truth from your post.
Tatiyana C. says
Great article! I am glad you all are covering this subject this week. A question I hope to see answered this week is striking the balance between the information flow between you & your spouse regarding a child that you don’t have full custody of…my husbands son is here every other weekend & summer & holidays–however, he lives 10 minutes from us. He is now 12 yrs old and desires to be at our house more during the week after school as well as even on weekends that he is not scheduled to be here. He is also going through some behavioral/grade issues as a 6th grader this year which calls for him to be more involved…this leads us to the child’s mother who is NOT the easiest person to get along & is not taking our marriage very well, who is unwilling to see that custody should change at this point…he needs his father’s presence and guidance MORE at this point in life. We do plan to take this to court and seek custody, However, I need some tips in the meantime to help me keep focus on the child, not the mother–as well as some advice in helping my husband RELAX and not feel like he has to fight with her about me & me with her–I have been praying on my responses, but I must say this is really one of the most difficult aspects of our marriage. I too have a child from my previous marriage, however, we have no issues with acclimation of my daughter (who lives with us and visits her dad on weekends & holidays) and no resistance from my ex husband…I am praying for solutions to move this in a better direction, but it has been close to 4 yrs and this woman is seeming to get worse–going thru extremes to try to keep their son from spending time alone with me…I could write a book, but I won’t…however, I am curious if anyone else has experienced something similar and have any words of wisdom. As the article stated, marriage is hard enough, but having an outside party who is such a large part of your marriage and would want nothing more for it to fail–puts a whole new spin on DIFFICULT 😉 Any and all tidbits of help are appreciated…be blessed!
Annette says
I guess the part that I do not understand is that if he only lives 10 minutes away than his father should be able to participate in his life and though he lived in his home. If your husband was like my ex than he may have started the situation out wrong which put a bad taste in her mouth about you from the get go. We have to remember that the kids are the most important people in a parent’s life and that just because their father chose someone new to be in that child’s lfe does not necessarily mean that that child or others HAVE to accept them also. Wh have to always look all sides of the issue becasue no matter how bad they try to make the other person seem, they were with them long enough to make a child with them. I
Mia E. says
Keep hope alive my dear friend! I am in a near identical situation. He’d been trying to get custody of his son since we met….almost two years later he finally got him at the end of last year. Dealing with the mothers and their decisions can be taxing especially when you don’t agree. It was easier….not easy…but easier to manage moms when you have a heart to heart. Yes, I realize this is not always feasible….but do it anyway. Let her know gently that she has done a wonderful job and that you are in no means trying to replace her but are merely offering additional motherly love when he’s away from her. The less threatened she feels of you the more likely she is to relax. I make sure to spend quality time with his son…ask about his world…friends….school.
Shennice Cleckley says
We started blending our family in 2006. Our children were 6, 9, and 17. From the beginning my husband and I decided to not force anything. I was Shennice and he was LeBrian. They were to respect both of us as adults and parents. By the grace of God, by the time we had the family wedding in 2007, I was mommy and he was daddy. In our house, we decide what is best for all our children. We never make a distinction of his or my kids. We refer to our children as inherited instead of step if we must make a distinction. I love my kids as though I gave birth to all three.
The only difficult part of our blended family is communication. Our views of communication are different than the biological mother. In the company of my kids biological mother, my husband represents our house when they are discussing the children. She sends messages through our now 13 year old instead of calling my husband directly. She prefers to text information instead of having a conversation. When I was a single mom, my philosophy was that it is the primary caregivers responsibility to have consistent communication with the co-parent. The co-parent doesnt know what to ask or what to do if the primary caregiver does not keep them informed. Due to several issues, we have decided to sue for custody. That was a difficult decision. Not because we dont want them with us full time, but because of the nature of the court system. We continuously seek Gods wisdom on how to handle the situation. Hopefully it can be done with mediation.
Shennice Cleckley says
@Tatiyana C I have a bit of advice. Remember it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. With you guys being only 10 mins away, you have a great chance of true co-parenting. As you can see in my post, I have communication issues as well. It was better when my kids lived 10 mins away but their mother moved 1 1/2 hours away when she remarried.
Try not to be tied to what is a societal standard. Your son could come to your house after school, eat dinner there and even get his homework done, then possible go back to his mom’s for bed. You can do that a few nights a week like a tuesday and a thursday. Or maybe the schedule could be alternating weeks, such as MTWTh with mom and Th night, FSSun with you guys and the next week vice verse. No one says it has to be every other weekend. With prayer and communcation, any schedule can be worked out.
Marsha Mays says
I am living the same situation! Married almost 1 year and feeling discouraged. But not giving up! We can’t having anymore childre n, and he has never had any. So there is no model for me to look at. Praying!
Mom of 3 says
This was a great article. I am divorced, but when I was married, blending the family was a true issue that was never resolved and there was only 1 child involved. More communication could have probably helped the situation, but it is good to know that families are positiely working together to make two families one.
Shennice Cleckley says
@ Marsha Mays-There are plenty of models. You just have to fine one that is positive and Godly. Remember, Jesus was in a blended family. Joseph was not his father. If Joseph can help raise God’s son, then you can do it too!
Tatiyana C. says
Shennice – Thanks for your encouragement. We are open to setting up any arrangement that benefits his son best–but she is not. As I said, it is always an issue of ME–she wants him involved daily, but she wants him to come to her house…now that is NOT going to happen. We will not allow such a division in our home and family…but her main focus on the time he spends with his father outside of the clear guidelines in the agreement are to exclude me…so this leaves him feeling frustrated as he is trying to be there for his son at this difficult time, but is met with foolishness from her part. Being a woman of faith, I have allowed him to go to her home on a few evenings to discipline his son after hearing about some heavy misbehavior at school and him blatantly disrespecting his mother, but this will NOT become a normal thing. I treat the kids the same as well and have never forced myself on his son–I allowed him time to get comfortable with me, and we have a great relationship…which unfortunately seems to be part of the major issue for his mother (who is 38 yrs old I might add)…I know God, and pursuing custody is the only way this situation is going to be solved ultimately…I guess I just needed to vent & to find out if anyone else ever faced this and what they did to endure in the meantime.
Ronnie says
Tatiyana and Shennice Cleckley – I am so glad we are discussing this topic on the site this week because I am already obtaining a different perspective on things just from hearing how other people deal with their challenges.
Tatiyana – you said something very important – “help me keep focus on the child, not the mother” that is so true..we have to do what is best for the child and keep our pride and emotions out of it…but that is easier said than done. My son will be going to live with his father soon…I came to realization that he needs his father right now…it was a difficult decision..and one that I probably should have made a couple of years ago. So I can truly relate to you and your husband seeking custody of his son.
@Marsha Mays- there are some models out there..but it seems that people are reluctant to discuss the challenges that they are having with their blended families. Lamar and I plan to take some courses on the blended family this summer during the smart marriages conference so that we can learn some more tools and skills to deal with blended family challenges. (www.smartmarriages.com) Even if you do not go to the conference…you will be able to see the courses that are offered and order them on-line.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..Confessions From a Blended Family: A Biological Moms Perspective =-.
MrsT says
@ Tatiyana, I am also in a blended family and my situation is very similar to yours (I’m sure we could swap (horror) stories). My advice to you is to try not to focus on the Bio mom. I know its hard because you are constantly bombarded by this person, but just like with a child if you stop paying attention to the antics, they will stop. My husband’s ex used to gripe about everything I did for his 10 year old daughter and was always plotting to keep me out of certain scenarios (birthday parties, choir recitals, etc). Yet when his daughter spent the week with us it was me getting her up and out the door for school, me picking her up from the bus stop when my husband could not, me cooking her dinner and me practicing spelling words. So I decided I was not going to let the bio mom make the decision to exclude me from what I rightfully earned (the reward of seeing my step-daugther do good things). So now when its time for the school ice cream social and the scoccer games I’m right there next to my husband and not paying one bit of attention to her. If she hasn’t gotten over it yet, she will, but even if she doesn’t I’m still going to do what I need to do to support my step-daughter and let her know that I love her even when she’s not at our house. Focus on your step-son and your husband, and don’t let the bio mom get to you, this too shall pass. From one bonus mom to another, stay strong!
Tiffeny says
I can fully relate to blended family issues, because we go through some of the same things. This is my second marriage and my children dad get mad at them if they call their step-dad daddy in front of him. I have been married to my husband now since they kids were 2 and 3 yrs old. I didn’t tell them to start calling him dad but they do, he spends alot of time with them and he plays with them and their biological dad doesn’t do any of these things. It makes the children feel like they have to choose between the two. I have explained to them that they have the best because they have two dads. Other issues sometimes come between me and my husband because of how he was raised. He came from a very strict home, and my family was more laid back. So when he talks to the kids or gives them extra duties in the house i feel that he is being too hard on them . And sometimes he is, so what we do now is before we give extra chores to them we both talk about what we should do. So, far it is working. But what do you do when your kids try to play on the other parent to get what they want?
smooth says
Tiffeny….I love that last question…kids will play a parent as early as 2 yrs old…be aware!!!!! always have the upper hand and do not feel guilty for putting them on punishment or correcting them. When they come around looking sad, ignore them…run from the room but stand on your ground. Todays kids are angry…why??? because they missed the love growing up, the love of correction and punishment. My second marriage was to a man who had no children and here I came with the package deal, 3 sons. My oldest son had a friend who lived down the street from us and was always at our home, as a matter of fact, he moved in without me noticing…..when they missed curfew, I put them both on punishment and his freind was so happy to be on punishment I didn’t understand it for a moment but today he proudly calls me Mom and telle everyone I am his godmother. As stated, agree before hand what the punishment will be and don’t bend…they will apprecaite it as they grow older.
Fran says
i have a blended family also, i have a 16y/15y and then me and my husband have the 5y 14month old. i just wanted to let everyone know that wants to sue for custody if that the courts are unwilling to take a child from the mother so unless she is supersonic unfit and i mean using drugs,abusing the child, neglecting the child, you probably wont win. i know that your husbands are the fathers and no one is discounting that fact but these are the kids mothers and whether they( the baby mommas) like you or not,will communicate with you or not is a problem that can be worked out in family counseling,not the courthouse. now after you have tried the family counseling and things are still not workin out then but if you ladies love these boys then taking them from their mothers because you all are not willing to try to work it out is not a solution that they will thank you for later on in life. on behalf of the children i bid you to try family counseling. email me and i will give you websites that will help in ur area.
Fran says
a third party’s opinion or view of a situation is always needed when everyone involved is too emotionally invested in the situation.
Terry Anderson says
I am in a similar situation with my husband who has a 16 year old son. We have dealt with consistent behavior of doing what is not right (lying, stealing, etc). As of yesterday, I have given my husband the riot act! Fix it NOW, or I am leaving! I have prayed and prayed, still praying! This is has been going on for two years and I am not going another two!
Jan says
My husband and I blended. It has been 5 years now. The kids are getting along much better than they did at the beginning. I have noticed in our house that my husbands kids, though I love them like my own, are much more mean spirited, than my kids. It stems from 2 different mothers. I’m the “giving” mother and my step kids mom (they have admitted this in counseling) is “selfish”. It shows in the 2 different sets of children. My husband and I have a great marriage, but his ex-wife has tried everything in the book to sabotage us. She brings drama. She left him, but don’t want him with anyone else. It’s hard at times and sometimes I feel I shouldn’t have married him. There are good days more than bad days. It is a challenge blending families, but hang in there. It will get better with time (and maybe some counseling added).
Shennice Cleckley says
@Terry Anderson- I can feel your frustration and anger. I know you want your husband to handle his son. Please consider this fact- you can’t make anyone act the way you want them too. I bet your husband is in a crossroads trying to figure out how to make sure his wife is happy and how to be the best father he can be. You are praying. You are on the right path. Use that same faith to know that God will show you and your husband not only how to handle a wayward child but also how to build a hedge around your marriage so that nothing can penetrate it. Unfortunately, our children are influenced by more than just us. Often they are infiltrated with more negative influence than positive influences. I will pray with you to bond your marriage and for your son to follow truth. I pray for your husbands strength to continue to be a good father and husband. I pray for wisdom for both of you.
Terry Anderson says
@ Shennice Cleckley and Harriett
What you both have said is discernment. I didn’t want to flood the page with all the dynamics of this problem. But both of you have hit the nail on the head. I know what God has said about marriage and I have tried to honor that for the last two years and NOW I have reached my wits end. And, I know that God would not put more on me that I can bear. And I am screaming, I can’t bear this another day! But thank you for the prayers!
Thank you!
PrettyNickie says
@Jan… I’m in a very similar situation and its a challenge.
I’ve only been married for a few months but the challenges of blending families have already presented themselves. This is my 1st marriage and his 2nd. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and we have a child together. He has 2 children with his ex and also a step-daughter (she had a child from a previous relationship). His ex is still very bitter over their divorce and continues to use their children as pawns. It is a very terrible situation for his children because they really enjoy being around us as a family but they have to hide that from their mother because she wants them to despise us as she does. I want so badly just to sit her down and help her realize that we need to focus on the kids, but she is very confrontational and I am not. I know that if i reach out to her, she will overreact in a potentially violent way. I’ve never had a physical altercation in my life and I don’t plan to start at 30+. We are praying that time heals her issues with my husband so that these children can also move forward. After watching Will & Jada on Oprah yesterday, i know its possible. I just pray we can move forward before too much damage is imposed on the kids.
Annette says
Sometimes we don’t always know the depth of the issues they had concerning the kids. Sometimes when a woman sees or thinks that her kids are not being treated the way that she thinks they should than she will have a problem with that as she should. It is easy to say that maybe she has not gotten over a situation but what really happened other than him saying what he wants you to know.
Shawnte'-Amoure says
My husband and I have been married for 2 years. Our family is blended also. We are having Trouble getting his children to accept our marriage. According to the custody agreement we are suppose to have the children on the weekends but his oldest daughter said she shouldnt be forced to get to know or spend time with us (my children and I) so when the weekend comes, they simply refuse to come to our house. My husbands ex is ok with this. She does nothing to encourage the children in making an effort. I am reaching out in every way I know how. My husband has guilt trips. Plus I know he misses his children. He goes to their house and stays for hours because this is the only way he will be able to spend time with them. On fathers day or any holiday for that matter they call to take him out just him alone. If they agree to go to a movie or something it has to be just him alone. This takes him away from our family and I am beginning to feel excluded from his life. I know we should put the children first but I just feel that in giving in to their commands we are allowing our lives to be ran by his children and his ex. We pay good money in child support, if we can support them financially, why dont we have the right to have them as a part of our life. I feel that my husband should put his foot down and make them come every weekend. I think this is the only way they will get adjusted and this is the only way we can build a strong bond. But my husband feels guilty and gives in at the first sign of a tear from his daughters. I am very frustrated by this and am not sure what I should do. I love my husband and we have a great marriage outside of this issue. So do we make the children come or continue to play by their rules?? Do I have a say at all in this matter? Am I being selfish in not wanting to continue things in this manner? How much time do we give to allow them to adjust? Help please.
Annette says
I feel like this. If they don’t want to come then don’t make them. I wish I had that proble. We went to pick up mine for the summer and they moved in with a brand new 2 week old baby. Don’t force anything jut enjoy the time that you have with them and enjoy the time that you dont. Eventually they may want to spend more time at your house as time goes by.
Godwin Ohiwerei says
The key to understanding blended family is study blended family. All of those involved in the relationship should be engaged from one source where all the fears, resources and phobias, resentments and pain are tabled. The idea of going from day to day trying to avoid the ‘land mines only complicates the issue. A therapist or religious observer should be the contact for mediation. Most importantly is the issue of the most vulnerable as the most important what is best for the children and not what is best for the adults. If everyone agree to the fact that we’ll work for the children’s best interest and not for my spouse to prove to me that he loves me by rejecting an ex suggestion or presentation, then the first step to success just started. Also understand that the child in the house of the blended has fewer difficulties than the child visiting on weekends or holidays. The child visiting on weekends will be in a better position to understand the house rule if that child spend the whole summer or an extended period of time in the blended home. The visiting child is constantly bombarded with rules from both parents with issues. There is not much time to digest and process information.
Candice says
Thank God, this article is so familiar….It sounds like my life!! I am a 32 year old women that has been married for 5 years. My husband has 2 children from a pervious marriage, as do I.I hace struggled with this “blended family” issue for 7 years and I really recently wanted to throw in the towel. My kids live with us and his we get 4 days a month (feels like eternity) I feel so guilty about the way I feel towards the kids but I cannoy help it. When they go home I feel like a weight is being lifted from my chest and when they are here I am so withdrawn and irratable. I do love husband, he puts are family first. My problem are his kids and the finacial difficulties we have experience from them and their mother,who is married again but still displays a sense of entitlement towards my husband.
TheMrs says
Candice, I love your honesty about your feelings. My stepchildren are all teenagers now (15, 16, 18 with the oldest big a boy). Coming into this I expected to feel like the evil stepmother and they would be my Cinderallas(it's actually a running joke with us)…lol. But I quickly realized that we were a sense of stability for his older children(2 mothers and they have had countless men and more babies) and that they are just a product of the situation not the situation itself. As far as the financial difficulties, well it's an obligation that he had prior to our relationship and it lasts for atleast 18 yrs(similar to a mortgage or student loan payments). Even when my husband was making advances in his career, we automatically calculated out the child support from his income ($30k is really closer to $20k and then minus taxes). Certain extras are ok in my book(graduation dues, proms, expensive school trips, things of that nature) but that is the only thing that I allow my husband to do, why…think of our children as a child support obligation as well and me as alimony…you have to pay the mortgage and the bills as alimony to me and each child has to have their basic obligation met before you can hand out 2nds. He understood my point, even though the mother's didn't, and we are happier because of it.
Good luck with your blended family.
Stacy says
wow i feel better knowing i am not alone on the way i feel towards my boyfriends kids,or his ex-wife.i to at times feel like throwing in the towel.And feel relived when they go home.we have joint time (as much as there mother)and he still has to pay her support,which is hard for me to understand. i also have two children of my own,my youngest i get no support for because me and her dad share time with her equally and we both support her we have done this with no courts involved.but my boyfriends ex it seems she is all about the money,even though they are at our house the same amount of the time.
Snm914 says
I can relate to everything your saying and I have to pray on it everyday to have a better relationship with my step daughter everytime she comes over the house every other weekend.
Frustatedinflorida says
I can totally relate to this cause it sounds like my life, only difference is my husband allow the tension i believe because he thinks cruella deville would stop his visits or something and we don’t get the kids every weekk because they are out of state but we get them for the entire summer and holiday breaks. I’ve raised 3 very productive adults, but it’s an issue for me to say ANYTHING to these CHILDREN that lack respect for me and whenever they come, by mid-visit i ready to quit and i get physically ill when i know they’re coming and like you i feel guilty for feeling this way about ANY child.
Jennifer H-G says
hi, wow thank you for having this page. I started trying to find information on blended families after a convo i had with my children at dinner last night. appearently, when my husband and i met (about 4 years ago) and my children were about 8 and 9 at the time, they did not like him so much but they spend 50/50 time with me and their father, so when they were with their dad, i would have more time to build a relationship with my husband – which came more easily than any other relationship id ever had – but last night they said they feel that i betrayed their trust and continued their relationship despite their feelings. for the whole first 9 years, it was them and I only – i love them soooo much. I really believed that I was making one of the surest decisions I’d ever made for our future, and i felt they did not understand it because they were seeing the situation from a childs perspective and i understood that i wouild take much time to balance everything out, i waited 4 years to marry – for everyones sake so that we wouild have time together as a new group. now my son is 14 and jasmine is 13, and they told me yesterday they think they still knew better. we made the mistake of having a couple disagreements, i know it was no good, but its not like we planned it and we havent done so in over a year maybe two. so point is….. well no point, just thanks, today is my friday and it starts in about 2 hours so i am going to go home and spend some time with the boy (lol) and try to make light jokes about the situation like the level headed mom above – speaking about the cinderellas – i hope and pray i am able to do this well – i love my children so much they will never know and i surely miss that boy that showed his love way more than this teen in my house but for now he is grouinded for talking crazy to me, oh yeah and so all this time he has harbored this inside now he says he is tired of hiding his feelings, well i want him to be honest so wish us well
Anonymous says
I understand some of this talk as an adult. However as a product of a “blended” family where BOTH of my second parents were not welcoming (and continue not to be), I find it strange that people have these feelings toward the children. If you know someone has children before you marry them it is that person’s issue. They created these people BEFORE they married you. You will be responsible for PARENTING them. So if you are the “evil” step parent you will be that example to them. They are children and should be treated as such and the “problem” or “weight” in these marriages were there BEFORE you were and honestly are a sign of people rejecting that part of their spouse. My second mother recently told a sibling who married a man with a child – remember that is “HIS” child. A disservice to the child and him and ultimately our relationship. If I accept this new child as our own. He is my new brother that is now our child as a family. We knew he had an obligation to this child before he came into the family. He created this person LONG before we came into the picture and they will NOT be going away.
Cthompson620 says
I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. I”m newly married and my husband has a 5 year old daughter with his ex-wife and we have her every other weekend. It’s a struggle. My husband gets upset when I refer to his daughter as my step-daughter as he refers to my daughter as his daughter. I feel it’s different. Coming into the relationship, I had a 5 year old whose father wasn’t around, so it was natural that he filled that void for her. My step-daughter has a mother so I”m not replacing anything! He’s with my daughter every day as I have full custody of my daughter and we get his daughter 4 days out of the month. Quite a difference in time and circumstances but he won’t hear of it. I’m learning how to pick my fights so I just succumb to his beliefs for the sake of peace. But I really just don’t feel that way. I often feel wrong and guilty for not agreeing with him but I can’t change my heart.
Lady Pharanda says
Greetings Cthompson620! Speaking as a single mother, seriously courting a single father (divorced over 20 years ago), I think I may understand his point as well as yours. I believe your husband wants and has already blended the children into the family as equals. His heart’s desire is for you to mentally accept his daughter as your own the way that he’s accepted yours as his own. Despite the time shared differences, as well as the fact that his daughter already has a mother, he still desires for you to see her as your very…own…child. The fact that you call her “step” leaves a little (or big) whole in their hearts. That word “step” holds so much weight. Even if you don’t feel as though his child is yours, the power of life and death is in Your tongue. When you begin to call her yours (or my daughter), you’ll begin changing the familial and marriage relationship for the better. If you don’t, honestely…you run a huge risk of the two of them feeling alienated. By calling both girls “mine” they have the opportunity to become sisters without feeling as though one is loved more. Trust me, your stepdaughter hurts as much as her daddy because of this. Over time, you’ll all begin to feel the shift in how you all relate. He know’s there is a difference, he simply wants to focus on lessening the difference. Put this one little action into plan, try your best to treat her equally and watch your MARRIAGE benefit from Your change of heart. He has done this for your daughter, why not do the same for his? She is but an extention of him, and he her. Love her, like you love him. Evenmoreso, love her like you love yours. You married her too, and it’s a really great thing to have two mom’s who adore you. Everyone will win, and that’s truly the goal! Much much love….spread it even thicker.
LaShaun Williams says
I love this post. @Candice I can totally relate when it comes to financial obligations to another woman being a burden on your family. To a degree it felt like my children were getting the short end of the stick.
Soyini says
I love this article, it says quite alot for me since I have 2 children already and am looking forward to marrying soon someone who is not their biological father. Blended families can be definitely more challenging and maybe that’s why most men aren’t keen on marrying women with children.
Angela says
Ms Ronnie, all I can say is, it was a blessing reading this article. I too have a blended family and I seem to be having the hardest time with trying to merge us all together. My chlldren are older, the girls: 11 and 12, and the boys: 14 and 16. That being said there are simple too many issues to list here now. Along with all of that, my husband also has a child from a previous relationship that I get along with great, however, her mother is still having a hard time with the marriage. It would be wonderful if you could have some type of forum, be it telecast or webcast, on this topic, because I believe there are so many married couples experiencing the same thing.
Annette says
I have been on both sides and I can tell you it is VERY hard. I was my ex husband’s 3rd wife so there were 4 kids from 2 previous marriages. I had a hard time. The boys were loving and accepting but the girls were daddy’s girls and could do no wrong. All they had to say was that I was being mean and that would start an argument between us. We divorced after 4 long and terrible years and two kids later. Now he is remarried again and has a stepchild. Now I am in a position where he treats his stepchild better than his own kids. For instance he braggs about never missing a birthday or Christmas with this child since she was a year old yet my daughters do not know what it is like to have their father around for their birthday or Christmas. He is great at supporting them but he is terrible connecting with them on an emotional level. He does get them every summer but that is all the time they get with him according to his stepchild’s school schedule. The older kids who know the truth are not to be very accepting of this new union and feel cheatted and I am worried that my kids will also feel that way soon. I have tried to talk to him and he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing. He simply says that God placed her in his life and that he would not change a thing. What can I do differently about this situation in order to not hate him every time my children ask him to come to their birthday parties and he tells them that he can’t make it but they spend every summer watching their dad celebrate his stepdaughter’s birthday?