By Ronnie Tyler
Discipline can be a point of contention in a blended family. Differences in parenting styles can literally make a couple split if you don’t take measures to build strong relationships and to ensure that your marriage bond is strong.
When Lamar and I were engaged, I got my first glimpse of this step-family dynamic. We had an argument about how I disciplined my kids. I can’t even remember exactly what we argued about, but I remember he said the word “ridiculous” and he also said the words “You need to”…..” I was so angry with him. I was hurt. I was insulted. I thought, “The nerve of him”…he does not even have kids so how dare he tell me how to raise mine.” I almost threw my rings at him and wanted to tell him #$%^&*%^&*%^&. But thank God I didn’t. I shudder to think that some other woman would be getting this good loving right now instead of me 🙂
I have to admit. It was very hard to see someone else discipline my kids. I was a single mom and I did all of the disciplining at my house. And his style of discipline was very different than mine. I thought that he was a lot stricter than me. And deep down, I was thinking, “Is he hard on my kids because they are not his kids or is he hard on the kids because he is just stricter than me?” Well, it turns out that he is just stricter than me on certain issues.
Now that we have some years behind us, I would love to say that everything is just perfect and we are just one big happy family – the Brady Bunch. But I would be lying if I said that. But what I can say is that our relationship is stronger than ever.
Here are some things we did to keep our relationship strong.
- Communicate. I can’t stress this enough. We really had to talk about our styles of discipline. We had some very tough conversations and some tears were shed. But after I told him how I really felt and after he explained how he really felt, we were able to make some progress. Don’t let anger and resentment build up. Please talk to each other, make a plan, and come to an agreement about how you are going to discipline the kids.
- Compromise. Don’t assume that your style of discipline is the right way and that your partner’s style is wrong. There is more than one way to raise a child. Learn to compromise with each other and be flexible. Since I am the biological parent, we defer to my parenting style for the most part and Lamar supports me in my decisions. But there are some occasions where I need to consider Lamar’s views.
- Stick together and support each other. No matter what we support each other, especially in front of the kids. There have been times where I had to literally bite my tongue. I did not agree with how Lamar was handling things. And I am quite sure he does the same for me. But we talk behind closed doors. We do not disagree with each other in front of the kids.
- Build relationships – You need to work on building strong relationships in the family. According to Gordon and Carri Taylor, creators of the Designing Dynamic Stepfamilies curriculum, discipline can not take place if the relationship is not strong. But how long does it take to build relationships? It could take weeks, months, years or sometimes they never develop. The Taylors say time is a key factor in stepfamily development – the older the child, the longer it takes. I found this to be true in our case, too. My daughter was just turning 2 when Lamar and I started dating. To her, Lamar is Daddy. My son was almost 11 years old when we met and let’s just say”…they are not the best of friends.
One day after we had a really heated argument about the kids, Lamar told me that he loved me and the kids and was willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. It put things into perspective for me. We’re not perfect, we are going to make mistakes”…but we are working on this together and we are stronger because of it.
BMWK family, do you have any tips from experience in a blended family? Share them with the group.
Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and their newest film Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.
Ronnie, I love your candidness with this post! The struggle to bite the tounge in regards to the kids not only exist in blended families, but in traditional ones as well. All 4 of my children are my husbands biological kids, yet at times I find myself feeling some of the exact same feelings that you have. Yes it does make it easier and take away certain concerns since they are his and I know without a doubt that he loves all of them as much as I do, but I can’t deny the fact that I sometimes feel like he shows favoritism. Mainly toward our youngest son, 9, who he lets get away with far more than any of our other kids ever have. Yet he is particularly hard on our oldest son, 15, who also happens to be his spitting image! If I didn’t know better I would sware that my husband sees that boy as his competition! He is overly hard and critical of him and we have had many a knock-down drag out fight about the way he handles him. I hate to admit it, but many of our arguments in regards to the kids haven’t made it to behind closed doors. I will say that we have gotten better over the years though as far as watching our reactions in front of them and trying to forge a united front on how we parent, but it is a constant compromise. Yep, so please believe that the stuff you discussed in your post really are issues that can affect any type of family.
Ronnie, I love your candidness with this post! The struggle to bite the tounge in regards to the kids not only exist in blended families, but in traditional ones as well. All 4 of my children are my husbands biological kids, yet at times I find myself feeling some of the exact same feelings that you have. Yes it does make it easier and take away certain concerns since they are his and I know without a doubt that he loves all of them as much as I do, but I can’t deny the fact that I sometimes feel like he shows favoritism. Mainly toward our youngest son, 9, who he lets get away with far more than any of our other kids ever have. Yet he is particularly hard on our oldest son, 15, who also happens to be his spitting image! If I didn’t know better I would sware that my husband sees that boy as his competition! He is overly hard and critical of him and we have had many a knock-down drag out fight about the way he handles him. I hate to admit it, but many of our arguments in regards to the kids haven’t made it to behind closed doors. I will say that we have gotten better over the years though as far as watching our reactions in front of them and trying to forge a united front on how we parent, but it is a constant compromise. Yep, so please believe that the stuff you discussed in your post really are issues that can affect any type of family.
Ronnie, I love your candidness with this post! The struggle to bite the tounge in regards to the kids not only exist in blended families, but in traditional ones as well. All 4 of my children are my husbands biological kids, yet at times I find myself feeling some of the exact same feelings that you have. Yes it does make it easier and take away certain concerns since they are his and I know without a doubt that he loves all of them as much as I do, but I can’t deny the fact that I sometimes feel like he shows favoritism. Mainly toward our youngest son, 9, who he lets get away with far more than any of our other kids ever have. Yet he is particularly hard on our oldest son, 15, who also happens to be his spitting image! If I didn’t know better I would sware that my husband sees that boy as his competition! He is overly hard and critical of him and we have had many a knock-down drag out fight about the way he handles him. I hate to admit it, but many of our arguments in regards to the kids haven’t made it to behind closed doors. I will say that we have gotten better over the years though as far as watching our reactions in front of them and trying to forge a united front on how we parent, but it is a constant compromise. Yep, so please believe that the stuff you discussed in your post really are issues that can affect any type of family.
thanks for sharing Yana. And you are so right, even when you are both the biological parents there can be a struggle when it comes to discipline. When Lamar and I started having kids together, it helped me see that he just had a different discipline style than me…. He is the same with all of the kids.
But what has helped us the most is the communication and the willingness to work together. When I shared my issues with husband, he was not always receptive at first. But I noticed changes anyway and I noticed him trying to make an effort to compromise with me. I hope he sees the same in me.
I NEED DEEPER ADVICE THAN THIS MY SITUATION IS ON A HIGHER LEVEL PLEASE HELP
I’m going to send this to friends. Blended families are becoming the norm and alot folks do not know how to handle disciplinary part of it. This article does a great job at guiding!
My husband and I reconciled after 6 years apart and although our oldest child(11) is his , my son (3) is not, and I must admit that reading about your biting back your reactions and words regarding his parenting hit home for me. My husband loves both of our children and we have twins on the way , however he is way more strict with our son than our oldest. At times I am concerned that its a form of resentment however whenever I bring it up he is instantly offended and angry. I am trying , we are trying to work this through because he says he doesn’t have any issues with our son and I can see him struggling to make progress both in becoming a more emotionally connected father for my son and a powerful sign of authority with our daughter. We are both committed to making our family work and finding ways to incorporate God into a previously godless relationship and it is hard work but the rewards as small as they may seem at times are definitely worth it
I love and appreciate this post as a newlywed who’s husband has four children ranging in age from 21-13 (I have none) this can be very useful for the two younger kids.
I loved this article Ronnie; I live it and experience all of the tumult as well as the joy. The blended family is indeed a challenge and it takes special people to delve in had first-all or nothing. Thank you Ronnie; I hear you and continue to use your voice.
Kymba Lloyd-Hubbard
Thank you, Ronnie for continuing to bring up issues regarding blended families and their struggles. As blended families are becoming the rule as opposed to the exception, it seems expected that everyone would have a “Brady Bunch” mentality and household. As a stepmother with no bio-children, it helps to know that I am not alone regarding stepfamily issues.
As parents in a blended family the most important issue you will face is how your children will be disciplined. Child discipline in the blended family is something you should discuss and set rules about before marrying.
As parents in a blended family the most important issue you will face is how your children will be disciplined. Child discipline in the blended family is something you should discuss and set rules about before marrying.
I really like this article because you tackle an issue that is so necessary in today’s time. The rise of single parents makes this an eventuality for anyone of them who wants to get married some day. I must admit that the issues raised in this article are the driving reasons that I do not have kids to this day and why I am glad I found someone who has no kids as well. I have tried to be with someone who has kids but I soon discovered that I don’t have it in me to raise someone else’s kids. It stems from the very way you felt at the beginning of your engagement. Aside from all that I want to share the new-found joy of parenthood with someone. I have always felt that women who already have kids, no matter how much they would want to give me a child, would never be able to provide this for me. Maybe its selfish, and I don’t say this to down women with kids in any fashion. It’s just a personal choice. Maybe this is something you can write about?
@PLEASE PLEASE help me, I have only been married now for 10 months. My heart and head r in the game but my emotions are yelling 4 me 2 leave, and my husbands son adds fuel to the fire, he plays his dad against me. I have no biological children so its said that I dont know how to approach children although i have a great dealof nieces nephews and god children that i have helped raise. One day during an arguement/ dis agreement w my husband his child was standing near by and listened to the whole thing. My prooblem is that the son text hs mom the entire conversation that my husband and I were talking about. Well his son told my nephew he did so,so i asked my husband to check it out and he found it to be true. Well instead of telling his son about the general rule a adult conversation is for adults only he stated my nephew needed to stop telling on his son. So yet again a simular situation comes up w his seeing that his son text is omthat im a female dog and he hates me, I get upset because my husbands worry is that he cursed n not that he used the language towards his wife, ugh still disgusted, so 5 months later he makes his son apologize by which i no longer feel its genuine. I told his son to get in the shower the other day and y husband stated i had no authority to tell his son to get in the shower, he also stated that i could only washhis childs clothes and fix his meals all other request or instruction had to be run by him first. Im to the point where i just want the kid to stay @ his moms house n not even come to mine my husband tells me all the time im not a stepparent or a gaurdian immore like a foster parent w slight privilidges. this is eating me up inside and maing me want to leave he also says hes the ultimate decision maker regarding his child which i would agree to but if hesn my care and im your wife am i not making decisions for you, What can i do to change this and or what advice do you thin would be most helpful to him or me. signed SO READY TO LEAVE
@02ab1a93c2a2972d1d9c6ed0f81ab40b:disqus I am sorry for not responding, but I am just seeing this comment. There are so many awesome resources/books and classes for blended families and I recommend that you and your husband take/read one together…here is a link to the one I reference in the post above – https://www.smartstepfamilies.com/ecommerce.php/mode/view/product/19
By taking the class or reading a book together, you all will be able to work on and define a process that works for your family. And I know you will see some improvements.
I think that you and your husband need to set boundaries for his son. Yall should talk about the rules for your house and the consequences that will happen when they are broken. That way you will be able to support your husband in the rules that are set for his child.
Finally, his son should be made to respect you PERIOD (just like he would any other adult!)
All of our children are teen agers. the youngest is in 9th grade. at first it was predominantly her children at the house. i i was continually looked over. she constantly made the statement that she had to be mother and father. my decisions were never good enough. and the children picked up on it and began doin the samthing. so I let her dicipline the children. i did each year it seems further and further away. i statrted to ask myself why am i even here… until my son has come to live with me. i need to restart the roll of fathering. but its hard very hard. she requests that i correct the children when they need it but refuses to support what i do.. but now my son is here so i cant just leave… how do i do that and keep this marriage… or is that possible?
This is a WONDERFUL article. I agree with the Author about ALL points, but mostly COMMUNICATION!!!
Hubby and I are a blended family. He came with a son, who was 5 at the time. I had no children. From the very beginning, I decided that as much as his son was going to be my son, I never wanted to lose sight that I am not the biological parent. What really helped, was that my hubby has ALWAYS said that no matter what, I am Mommy to ALL of our kids. I am more strict that he is, BUT when it comes to “his” son, I tell my husband EVERYTHING that I do and say to our son. I also let our son know that I have told his Dad what has happened, so he never gets the idea that I might be doing something deceitful or without his Father’s knowledge. In the 4 years we have been together, we have had maybe 2 disagreements infront of our kids…. It is something that we MAKE SURE keep to a minimum. We understand that being a UNITED front is what will help us maintain discipline in our home. We now have 3 boyes total. I love them and discipline them all the same [based on their ages and development level].
Because my stepson was only 5 when we got married, he and I have developed a GREAT relationship. He respects me, and we do things together. He talks to me about what is important to him. He is helpful around the house and he is a very obedient child. I thank GOD for giving my stepson to me. That little guy has taught me so much about me!! I love him with all of my heart and he knows it.
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