I don’t know about you, but when I hear a child call an adult by their first name, you may as well be scraping the chalkboard with your fingernails. OUCH! So, in a step-child/parent situation to be fair to all parties involved, what should the kids call the step-parents? This is quite a sticky situation with so many different, yet valid answers. However, one solution never fits all.
Recently, my son has decided to call my husband by his first name. For the past 10 years, he has called my husband (his step-father), “Dad”. This was something established by my son at a very young age. No one coaxed him or coached him to use this term. My husband was indifferent about it. My son’s biological father, who also claimed this title, has always played a very active role in my son’s life and was not very fond of the idea. I was confused. Spectators were critical. Now that my son is older, he would like to call my husband by his first name. Frankly, I don’t like the idea. If this was established at the beginning of our marriage, then that’s another story.
Well, as with any blended family situation, there are many facets to this name game with so many emotions and feelings that are involved. Whatever the real reason for my son wanting to be on a first name basis with my husband, I don’t think this should be allowed. My husband seems to think it will confuse and water-down his role with our other kids who will want to do the same. I am trying to put myself in everyone’s shoes and its making things quite difficult. Let’s take a look from different angles:
First, my son: At 3 years old, he felt comfortable calling my husband, “Dad”. I guess we were just trying to appease him, because he was such a young child, being presented with a new adult in the family, a new family structure, and I personally found it to be respectful and accepting. We talked it over with his biological father, explaining that it was NOT to slight him. He expressed his disdain, but we allowed it anyway.
Now, the step-parent: If I were a step-mom, I wouldn’t like to be called “step-mom”. It sounds cold and removed. I guess if the step-children are [young] adults, then this would probably be more easily accepted. In addition, I wouldn’t like to call my step-children, “step-children” no matter what – especially if they were young and spent a substantial amount of time with us. When discussing them, you should call them “your children” and include them in the number of “children” you have, when asked. I have a close friend that says she has a “bonus-son”, NOT A STEP-SON. I love that! Now, on the flip-side, I wouldn’t like my step-child to call me Mom without discussing the implications of this with the biological mother first. If they insisted on calling me Mom, Mama, Mommy, Mama Sheree, then I would have to re-assure the biological mother hat I am not trying to take her place, EVER!
Then, the (non-custodial) biological parent: I am confident enough in our mother-child relationship to allow my child to call his new step-mother whatever makes them feel comfortable, and is respectful. Would I prefer him to call the step-mother by their first name? No. Do I mind at all if it my son calls his step-mother, “Mom”? No, not at all. But that’s just my opinion. There are so many other issues that need attention than to obsess over a title/name. However, if you feel like there are some underlying implications to these titles, then all parents need to discuss, resolve, and be done!
BMWK, in your blended family situation, do the kids call the step-parent by their first name? If you’re not in a blended family, what is your take?
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my husband and i married when my stepson was 9 (i’ve known him since he was 2 though) and he’s always called me by my first name. i don’t have a problem with it. he has a mother at home and i would never expect him to call me mom or any variation of the word. perhaps it would be different if his mother was not in his life at all, but that’s not the case. my stepson’s mother married a year after my husband and i and he calls his stepfather by his first name as well. there is no doubt in my mind that my husband would be highly offended if his son called his stepfather “dad”. this is just what works for my family and honestly, we’ve never had a discussion about it. it just is how it is! 🙂
i have also had two stepmothers and i called both of them by their first names. my current stepmother and i are very close, but i would never consider her as my mother or even a mother figure. she’s only 10 years older than me! haha…
In complete agreement here….
Agreed, Same for me and my husband and our Blended Family… I also call my step mother by her first name
Totally agree!! I have a stepson as well and he calls me by my first name. I have known him since he was four. It has never bothered me and I do not consider it disrespectful at all. I have a stepmother and a stepfather and I call them by their first names. I love them both and I’m very grateful for them but I would not call them Mom or Dad. I also don’t have a problem with the term “step”. Some people consider it cold, I disagree. Everyone is different. I think people should just do what works for them and not be so focused on what society says should be done or said. Enjoy your blended families and don’t get so wrapped up in the small stuff. ?
Yeah, It all depends on the situation and the arrangement, as well as the comfort level. Great comment. Thanks!
growing up i called my step mom by her first name only because one when i said ms. she said it was too formal and two my mom was raising me and i felt calling anyone else mom is offensive… in my current blended family i have two older children who r preteen age and two younger children one whom is from my current spouse… my 12 and 10 yr old calls him by his name neither of us feel that its disrespectful they know who their father is and they have relationships with them…. my 3yr old sometimes calls him daddy or by his first name its touchy because her father is deceased and my husband has been there since she was one he calls all my kids his when he talks about them especially the three yr old… we now have a 2 month old son together my fear is he will be confused as to what to call him when he gets older… my dilema is this should i continue to allow the three year old to acknowledge him as dad and for the sake of the baby do we have the older children do the same as to not confuse him???
My husband has had his son since he was born, He’s never lived with his mother. I have been in my son’s life since he was 5. I had two older children that I brought into the marriage, they call my husband by his first name since they were older children when we married who have had a consistent relationship with their father. However, my youngest had never lived with his mother and up until we got together, didn’t spend much time with her at all. Early in our marriage, my youngest asked if he could call me mommy like the rest of the children, I was honored and after a discussion with my Husband we agreed that we would let him call me whatever he was comfortable with. When his mother found out, she put the Kabosh on it. At the time, we felt that it was because of her own personal insecurities about not having/raising her child. At the time he was really upset, because he just wanted to call me what my other children did & he also wanted to please her. This was an awful position for a very young child to be in and we handled it carefully. I have no issues with being called by my first name. Although I have more than earned the right to the title of “mommy” in his life, I don’t need it to verify my love & existence in my son’s life. He falls asleep and wakes up to me, I clean the boo boos, feed, clothe & take him to all of his Dr. Appts, parent teacher meetings etc…. If it floats her boat to be the only one he calls mommy, so be it, I know who I am in his life.
As an adult with two stepparents, I would say, let the children choose the titles, whatever is comfortable with them. Ms or Mr is ok,but please don’t make a child call someone mom or dad when they don’t feel that way.I call both my stepparents by their names, what else would I call them? I already have a mom and dad.
This is it in a nutshell!
Hello. I believe it is first off, disrespectful to call the parents who birthed the child or children (biological mother or father) as if that’s all they have credit for is the genetic makeup. Those parents in most cases, tend to the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual side of the child above step parents. In my belief of course a step parent would not have the same honor as the parent. It’s not posssible. I have a mom and step mother and no matter what they do not stand in the same ranking in my heart..they can’t. One is my mother that birthed me and took most care of me and one is not. It’s also unfair to over look the child’s desire of what they would like to call the step parent. It’s about the child. Not what you feel the child should call the step parent. There is no way I would force my daughter to call her step father “Dad” if she did not want to. She has a father in her life. Why would I want to disrespect that?
Hi Melody –
While I agree 100% that we should let the child decide what to call the step parent, I don’t agree that a step parent doesn’t have the same honor as a parent. My husband has been my son’s dad since he was 2. While we were dating he called him by a nickname and when we explained that we were getting married he was excited and asked my husband if he could call him daddy. Fastforward 10 years and it is my husband is the person that taught my son to be a man. My son wants to grow up and be just like my husband and he adores him.
I agree Monique and excuse all the typos.
I had a similar situation with my mother in law and her husband (who is not my husband’s father). My mother in law insisted at a young age that my kid call her husband grandad. I totally disagreed! In any case I would defer to the child to use whatever is respectable and comfortable. I think in your case, your son has grown up and has come into knowledge about who his biological parents are and the significance of the titles. He has that right regardless of the length of time he used the other name!
My stepdaughter calls me by my first name (A bit mispronouced but that’s ok) and that’s fine with me. I don’t expect her to say Mrs. at all but that’s just my preference. At one point, she wanted to call me Mom but I don’t agree with that. Her mom is very much in her life, and I don’t ever want her to get us confused as far as our roles in her life. Mind you, I am a new step mom but this has worked for us so far. Her mom and dad are on very bad terms also and I know her mom would freak at the thought. The main reason though is I’ve learned being a mom and step-mom are vastly different! As a step-mom in our current situation, I do the mom duties but will never have the mom role. You’re the one who has to still be a mother but would rarely get any recognition or love for it (except from my wonderful husband) which is ok but was hard to swallow at first. Not that moms get much recognition anyway but there is a clear difference in my opinion between the bio mom and step mom.
I have a question and anyonecan answer. I am getting married soon and will be bringing a 3 yr old into my new marriage. My fiance sees my son as his and I love this because his biolgical father isn’t in the picture. My mom seems to think that my son should call my fiance daddy because he is the only father he knows right now other than his grandfather. My question is what should my son call my fiance? I’m torn because I want my son to know the joy of having a father around, but knowing they aren’t blood related makes me think too. My fiance plans to adopt my son and give his name so it would be right to call him dad?
Your son calling your new husband dad should not be an issue for you. If he is the only father that your son knows and he is embracing that role whole heartedly, why is him bearing the title of “Dad/daddy” troubling you??? Whether he adopts him or not is irrelevant. My step-dad came into my life at 2yrs old. He was the only father I knew, as a little girl I bonded with him and called him daddy and was even Daddy’s Girl. You should allow your son and husband to create their own bond and call him daddy if he so chooses. You will create confusion for your son if you attempt to explain to him that your husband is not his dad yet his dad is not a part of his life. Then you will have to answer the questions that come along with that… “well where is my dad? why isnt he here? when can I see him?” etc… Allow your new family to bond and flourish naturally, you have plenty of time to let your son know who is bio dad is…why create a problem where there isn’t one. My sister an I always new that my step-dad was not our bio, yet he always told us…”I’m not your real dad, but I love you and I wouldn’t trade you in for anything in the world”. When I was a teen he told me…”one day you might meet your real dad, I hope you don’t forget who has raised, cared, and provided for you”…at 34yrs old my real dad showed up and when I spoke to him, I told him all about my daddy…the man who raised me and how awesome he was. I even told him Thank You for stepping aside and allowing the next man to do what you were not prepared to do…. Let your son do what will come natural for him.
…at the end of the day, how a child addresses a step-parent is a reflection of the relationship that they have with that parent. Case in point, I have a girlfriend who was re-married when her children were in jr high, in the beginning her sons called her new husband Mr. followed by his first name. By the time her sons were graduating high school, they were calling him Dad. The child should be allowed to decide what they are comfortable with and the step-parent needs to allow the relationship to flourish.
At my house, we have a true blended family, mine, his and ours. My son was 7 when we got together so calling my husband any form of ‘dad’ , to him, was out of the question. He called him by his first name, Wayne, as I did. Within a matter of years, he and I had a child. When our son was 5, my husband’s daughter from his first marriage came to live with us. Now THAT is a lot! His daughter called me Angi. To the exasperation of my adult friends, they suggested that she put ‘a handle’ on Angi by saying Ms., or Mom. She , at the time, had a mother and I wasn’t it. It didn’t bother me that she called me Angi and my oldest son would pummel her if she called me anything else. Besides, he called her dad Wayne and he didn’t care.
Two years ago her mother died. For a while she called me mom and it was ok. I didn’t discourage that and I knew that she needed to attach to someone. I too have lost a mother and there is no replacement for that love and reverence of that name. I feel that you are blessed to only have one mother. Occasionally she will call me mom, and it is fine with me. As long as she doesn’t call me OUT of my name, then it is fine. If THAT happens….whooo hooo! :o)
Interesting topic that has sparked a lot of conversation. Our family had to deal with this very issue when my step-son was 9 years of age when we got married. At our wedding rehearsal dinner he asked me, “Now that you are marrying my Dad, can I call you Mommy?” I was got so off guard, that I responded we will discuss it more in details later. My husband and I decided to let him decide what we wanted to call me. When he wanted something from me it was Mommy, other times it was Joyce. Did I mention that his mother’s name was Joyce also and she was still alive, she died two years later? As he got older, it became obvious that he was uncomfortable with both and confused, so he would avoid having to say either or. Now, that he is grown and has moved out, we often reflect back on how we could, should, have done things differently that would have cut-down on the dysfunction within our family. Having these types of discussions with others in similar situations would have been a big help. Now, we advocate for others to openly seek-out help and not be ashame to admit they are struggling with issues. To our surprise, once we did open up we found many others were having similar problems.
All of these comments are wonderful and they let me know that I’m not alone! I really appreciate them and your time as well. I’m reading them carefully and taking notes! Thanks for your comments!
My three step-daughters call me Ms. Frann and I’m fine with it. I came into their lives during the pre-teen years and my husband and I thought that this works best for all of us. One of our daughters called me Ms. Franny because I think she wanted to identify with the strong relationships I have with my neices and nephews who call me Aunty Franny. I’m comfortable with Ms. Frann because I work with youth at a University and in my church and they all call me Ms. Frann. As one who has poured into children and youths lives “Ms. Frann” is a term of endearment so it means a lot to me. As a step-parent I have continued in the role with the added responsibilities that come with raising a blended family. My relationship with my daughters is not the best but based on much of what I’ve seen it is by far not the worst. I accept where we are with the hope that our relationships will grow regardless of how their mother has tried to prevent it. Meanwhile, I ask they they simply respect me just as I respect them.
I call my step daughter , daughter. My mo callas her grand daughter, my sis calls her niece. This been so for the last 11yrs, since she was 8. I a all about affection an feelings. not affectation
I was raised in a blended family. I am the child that they had together but my brothers were 15, 17 and 19 when my parents got married. My mother had 2 and my dad had 1. My fathers son calls my mother “mom” or Sue. When he introduces her to people he says this is my mom. My other brothers call my father Paul. When I was growing up I used them all. I mostly call my mother ma, but my father is dad or Paul. It interchangeable. Some people don’t like it but it’s our family. I am a daddys girl either way. Calling them by their first name doesn’t equal disrespect. I will say that my parents never forced anything on my brothers. They always treated them the same. My brother is married and his daughter calls him Mr. He has been in her life since she was a baby. I agree with everyone. Its what works for your family.
I’m on the flip side of this. My son’s father is remarried and when I heard him call his step-mother “mom,” I went off. He used to call her by her first name, but somewhere down the line he started calling her “mom” when he would go visit. Something about my child calling another woman “mom” while I’m still here living, breathing, and taking care of him, is offensive to me.
My mother had two children before she married my father . Both of my brothers called my dad “O” (this is the first initial of his first name) and they still do. However, when they would mention my dad in a conversation to other people, they would say “my dad” did this for us or “my dad” took us fishing…etc. My dad didn’t mind so there were no problems for us growing up as a blended family.
I have a step daughter, and to her, I’m “Ms. “my first name”. She’s my “step-daughter”. She calls me her step mom. I’ve known her since she was 3 (she’s 9, now). To some, it might not seem right to have those designations, but every situation is different and that more than titles should be recognized and adhered to. When my husband and I got married, my step-daughter’s mother made it VERY clear that I was the “step-mother” and I was not my step daughter’s mother. She had the poor child rehearsed. She taught her that she is my step-daughter, not my real daughter, and that I am to call her that, and if anybody tried to correct her, she corrected back.
That’s more than too much to put a child through, and it was my husband’s and my decision to let that go. If her mother felt that strongly about it, why send the child through additional issues with that, making already confusing alliances more difficult? It works in our situation, and I’m fine with it.
Traditional titles don’t have to mean that much, in my opinion. I have a step mother myself, and she was first, Ms. “first name”, then Mama “first name” and I love her dearly. My mom didn’t care what I called her (as long as I was respectful and obedient), as I didn’t call my mother by the the traditional “mom/mother/mommy”, etc. name. It’s all about the relationship, not the title. I started calling my step-mother Mama “first name” by choice, it was my idea, and I did it when I was in my late 20’s after being in her life for over 10 years…If at some point, my step daughter starts feeling comfortable with giving me some other term of endearment, that’s fine, but right now the term of endearment is, Ms. “my first name”, and if it stays the way it is, I’m fine with that, too. I wouldn’t want her to have any weird feelings with her mother over what she calls me.
This is interesting yet sad how many families in the black community usually tend to be blended vs biological. I come from a family in which I had both my biological mom and dad so being the father of a daughter I could only see her addressing biological parents as mom and dad. I’d never accept another man being called dad from my daughter under any circumstance.
It’s a decision that is unique to each family. In my situation I’m the full time female influence and handle every aspect of mothering spiritually, financially and with my time. I have a problem when a bio parent has something to say that has little involvement… Any animal can give birth and its not as hard as what comes after… Sorry but if I’m making the day to day sacrifices for a child then I am their mother.
I got married July 2011. I have 2 (now 13 and 16) sons from my first marriage and they call my husband by his first name. They call him by his first name because: Their father dies 2003 and they feel it would be disrespectful to him (their biological father) if they called him (my husband) dad or any form of dad/daddy….
I have 4 bonus children (now 22, 21, 18, 12) all of whom call me mom except the 21 year old…. Who calls me by my first name La Shauna. And I’m okay with that, because my friends call me Shaun (and I’m not his friend!)
My bonus-grandchildren call me Gramma…..
I’m 38 and I didn’t think I would like being called Gramma at such a young age, BUT I LOVE EVERY BIT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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