by Sheree Adams
I never knew it would be this hard blending a family. I’m raising a tween-age son from a previous relationship. My husband and I have two young daughters. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. My son adores his [biological] father, almost idolizing him. They have a very strong and close relationship. I’m so thankful for that. My husband has always been very commendable in his role, as not to ever compete or attempt to replace his biological. However, the grey area of the roles of step-parenting and being the step-child always seems to leave room for misunderstanding, miscommunication, and chaos.
We have a loving, Christian home that, for the most part, is wonderful. We eat our meals together. We pray together. We laugh together. We love on each other. But there are times when things get kinda sticky. Feelings of resentment and negative emotions rear their ugly faces and leave us all wondering, “What happened?”
Go with me [here] for a second:
You’re a guy. You fall in love with a woman. She has a kid. You marry her. You’re an instant father. But wait. The kid already has a father. What do you do?
You’re five years old, your mom meets a guy. She marries him. You love your dad. You love your mom. Who is this new guy? What do you do?
You’re a single mom. You meet a guy. He’s “perfect” for you. He loves you and your son. You marry him. Your son is resentful. Your husband feels disrespected. What do you do?
That, my friends, has been the soundtrack of my home life. You would think that being Christian (prayer), being intelligent adults (seeking information from those who have blended families) and getting advice from the experts (counseling) would be the answer. But it hasn’t been. It puts me in a horrible place as the never-off-duty referee, because both of them want and deserve my attention and love. Let’s not mention gray hairs on my head.
Marriage is hard.
Motherhood is hard.
And trying to stay sane through it all without the use of any mind-altering substances…is hard.
The cycle of normalcy, is what I call it. My son visits his father on a regular basis. There is a break and a sense of normalcy. My husband goes away on business. There is a break and a sense of normalcy. But then we’re together. One, big happy family on the exterior, but on the inside there is a lot of pain, heartache and sadness…sadness on my part mostly because I’m in the middle.
I’m loved by both and love them both dearly… I don’t choose sides. They both admit that they are at fault when they are. One thing’s for sure, and My God am I thankful, is that the older my son gets, the less he acts out when he’s hurt or feeling sad. He’s able to process things better with a little more maturity and patience. My husband, on the other hand, as loving as he is, wears the old school crown. The head of the household has the last word and is always right…ALWAYS. No ifs, ands or buts about it!
My daughters need me.
I need peace.
I threaten to leave everyone at home and run away to a third world country.
Things don’t change.
What do I do?
By God’s grace, over the years, I have been able to have these enlightening experiences that allow me to take a step back and observe some of the faulty areas and weaknesses in our family. Then I began to pray. I even began to fast. I needed to hear from God. Through Christian experience, I have found that only God, can plant certain seeds of wisdom and understanding that helps you break down some really deeply rooted issues that you never even knew about yourself…. And then it happened….
God spoke to me, “Sheree. The reasons that you are having these issues are that you neglect to follow my rules. You took vows, communion, and made promises that are being broken. Where is the honor? You have also an obligation when bringing children into this world, that they too must obey and abide by my Word. You are knowledgeable, therefore accountable.”
Blew. My. Mind….
I heard this, “Tell your husband that he is the head of the household. AND MEAN IT!”
I also heard:
Repent. Submit. Release.
Submit to your husband who you obviously entrusted with your livelihood and that of your offspring, both spiritually and wholeheartedly.
Repent for your sins and confess, so that you will be left with a clean, humble, honest and open heart that will yield to My guidance and that of your husband.
Release any old history, ill feelings, heartache or pain caused by your husband or your son towards. Cast your cares on ME. I will never leave you or forsake you.
I heard this. And, I repeat. It was mind-blowing.
I held a meeting with my family during a vacation because, once again, things were bumpy and the bickering was just downright annoying. I explained to them my directives from God and the desires of my heart. They listened.
Do you hear me? I said, they listened. Not only did they listen, they are talking to each other more and with a new-found respect and understanding of one another.
I will not place complete and total onus on them. I had to start showing respect for my husband not just while we were together as a couple, but in subtle and more blatant ways, acknowledge him as the head of our family. That I valued and revered him and respected his role IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN.
Instead of wearing my single mom hat, that was super-glued to my head after years of use, and saying, “Yeah, sure you can go outside.” or “Yeah you can do this or that.” I say, “Yeah. Its fine with me, if your Dad doesn’t have anything else he’d like for you to do.” etc., etc.
I am a better and more active listener to them both. My son’s behavior towards his step-father was a cry for help, because unfortunately, I didn’t balance my attention and time between the two very well. The poor little guy felt like my husband came along and took his mom AND HER LOVE AWAY.
Things are better, but truthfully they are far from perfect. But I am so thankful to God for wisdom, courage, discernment, and His mercy. Its been seven years since I married my husband. Seven, biblically and historically speaking, means perfection, wholeness and completion. Maybe it took this long for it to come full circle, for a reason. God makes no mistakes. I still have the grey hairs as souvenirs from where we’ve come, as a new family feeling their way through the darkness of an imperfect life.
Sheree is a Christian, wife, WAHM of three, nurse, blogger and speaker, who is forever drawn to all things health-related. You can find her blogging about marriage, family, health tips and more as Smart & Sassy Mom. Sheree is committed to helping blended families and keeping marriages strong, healthy, fun and SPICY! Learn more about Sheree on her Website and via Twitter.
Kurlylicous says
Sheree,
I never knew this, because I remember during the courting process your husband was always great with your son, but I can understand both parties and I’m so glad you went to the Lord in prayer! He is faithful and ordered your step accordingly.
Blessings to you all! Friend, Soror & Skegee Love!
Sheree says
Thanks Kurlylicious for your kind words and blessings! I have faith that we’ll continue to grow as a family and be a testimony to others. Love ya back!
Stacie says
Great article. It is has not been easy for me either. God has been telling me these words and I have tried to implement this in my life. But I see that I need to share with my husband and son so they can know what God has said.
Sheree says
Thank you Stacie! The more I discuss this, the more I see how common it is. Yes, please share it with your husband and son. Their responsiveness may surprise you.
A Mother says
We have what I call a super-blended family all under one roof, his kids, my kid and our kid! I do appreciate reading this article from a Christian woman’s perspective, because I feel guilty at times for my inability to cope or to find peace at times in this blended family situation. I do know just from reading this article, there are areas that I need to seek God’s repentence for and I need to continue to seek our his wisdom and guidance. Marriage and motherhood, motherhood both natural born and inherited, is hard. But I am believing with God, all things are possible..
Thanks
Sheree says
Your words let me know that I did the right thing by sharing my story. Its hard, but you are already on the right track because you see that there is a need for more wisdom and guidance. It takes a lot of love and patience as well from all parties involved. I’m sure you understand. Blessings and best wishes!
Brady Bunch Mom says
I celebrate 21 years of marriage this year. We blended five children, my three and his two. Two 5 one 7 and two 9 when we married. Mine are biological, his adopted, mine black, his hispanic, me white bread New England, he half hispanic Southwesterner. The one reason we are married still is that we decided there was “us” and “them” meaning husband/wife and children, not his or mine. The first rule laid down was you don’t have to love the new parent, you don’t even have to like them, but you will give respect and if we all do unto others, life will work itself out. It has been a long and sometimes hard road, but we are now waiting for grandchild #9 to make her appearance. He is still my best friend, and they are all our children. I receive blessings every day.
Sheree says
Wow! Congratulations BBM on your marriage. Your story is very inspirational to me. As, I’m trying to weather these storms, I see through your words that there is definitely a rainbow at the end. How beautiful and encouraging! Thank you!
Tracy says
This article is very enlightening and inspiring. Enlightening because it shows that it takes a lot of hard work and prayer to raise a family and couples need to understand this when contemplating marriage and blending families. Inspiring because you show through prayer, it’s possible.
Thanks for sharing your story with us and I’m looking forward to your next article!
Sheree says
Thanks Tracy! I appreciate the feedback!
Kena says
Great article. But you could have called me years ago and I could have given you the full perspective of both sides. I’m a product of a blended family. Even though I didn’t have the close relationship that your son does with his dad, I knew he existed. My mom married when I was 8 and with it came siblings. Even though there were times I felt like I wasn’t a part of the new family, there were several times when my mom made sure that I knew I was. Being the kid from a previous relationship is hard but having a strong mother who protects you and makes sure that you get the attention you need is key. My mom didn’t let me get away with murder but she did let new know that no matter what she had my back and I could always come took her. To me that’s important that a kid knows that that one parent its there for them. As a mom I think I had the greatest and she always communicated to new that I was important to her and without newer she may not have been as successful. I was her blessing she would say. And I can away that sure was mine. You’re doing a great job. Keep hip the great work and the love.
Sheree says
I’m hopeful that my kids think that I am doing a great job. If not now, then when they are old enough to know and comprehend the sacrifice and the love that I have for them. I do my very best to let [my son] know how important he is to me. He, too, is my blessing!Thanks for sharing your story and for the encouraging words!
Angela says
I really needed this right now. I will be marrying my boyfriend next year who has three older children and I have a 7 year old. Plus we have a 9 month old. He is 17 years older than me and I worry that I will too struggle with having a blended family once we are married.
Sheree says
Congratulations Angela on your upcoming nuptials and your sweet baby! Marriage, as you know, is serious and not to be entered into lightly. Worrying won’t help you. Open communication, honesty and establishing respect towards and from every member of the family FROM THE START will help you. Best wishes!
Marcheen says
Thanks for sharing. I’m the bonus parent in this situation and it has been extremely hard. The kids are amazing. I love them to pieces. The issue is feeling disrespected and disregarded by the parents and feeling like a baby sitter instead of a co-parent.
Sheree says
You’re welcome. Ouch! The babysitter….I can truly see how you can be made to feel like that. Questions like: What is your role? Where do you fit in when both parents are in the picture? I’m sure its not their intention to make you feel like that Marcheen, but you have to know that until everyone (kids included) are completely comfortable with their roles, these types of feelings will be recurrent. Open up to your husband in case you haven’t already.
Yana says
I love your style of writting! Very fluent and transparent!
I can honestly say that if I ever had to travel down this road that passing the torch of head of household to an outsider (for lack of a better word) would be difficult to nearly impossible for me to do, because in my heart of hearts my kids feelings come first. They didn’t ask to be put into the situation, so their feeling of secure would be my paramount concern. Me falling in love would be secondary. Thankfully I am married to their bio, but if God forbid we split, I would likely just wait until they are grown to establish anything else. My hats off to women who can sucessfully balance this, but there are many out here who share my sentiments and I think being honest about it is best. It’s not fair to the future step-dad or the kids to enter into something that you know you aren’t cut out for. I am one of those women that will quickly jump on you and take your life if you look at one of mine wrong, so I know I’m not cut out for it. Yep, be honest about who you are, nothing wrong with waiting!
Laborndcluv says
Yana,
I am a single 37 year old woman, never been married with no kids. Clearly, most of the men in my age group have either been married and divorced and have children, or just have children. Although I agree with you that the children’s feelings do come first, another thought you expressed I find common in single parents (men and women) and feel that this is a BIG reason for a lot of the tension in blended families. You said “if you look at one of mine wrong” and “passing the torch of head of household to an outsider” (eventhough I know you clarified for lack of a better word). But those two statements are basically ones that I continuously hear and see acted out amongst single parents and seem to be a surefire way to ruin a marriage.
First of all, I feel that if a single parent is getting ready to marry someone, that means they trust their heart with that person, and by extension, trust their CHILDREN’s heart to that person. It drives me up the wall when a man tells me that “my kids come first”. Um, really dude???? So, you’re dating/thinking about marrying me, but you don’t think I know that OUR kid comes first???? See that’s the first issue, you SAY we’re blending families, but the first thing out most single parents mouth is MY kids come first. So right there, the step-parent is being excluded. When I marry somebody, I am also marrying whomever they come with. So just like if that were my biological child, my step-child will also come first. But what seems to happen is the biological parent will drop EVERYTHING to make sure that the child gets what they want, and sometimes this is not best for the MARRIAGE, and would not take place if both parents were the biological parents. I totally understand making sure that the child knows they are still an important part of the FAMILY, but if the biological parents ALWAYS is catering to the child, they are creating a “us” and “you” dynamic, where the step parent is always the outsider. And saying “my” kids this, and “my” kids that, continuously reinforces to both the step parent and the child that the step parent is not considered as a parent to the children or as part of “the group”.
To me, a truly blended family is when you are a FAMILY. Not “my” kids, or “your” kids…but just “the kids”. I am positive that blending families is much harder than I could ever imagine, and I’m sorry for the long rant, but just a perspective from the single (probably one day will be a step parent) side.
Sheree says
Thanks Yana! Its funny how life is served to you. You always kind of envision one thing. Then sometimes, its served to you in a way that you never thought imaginable. The way my husband and I ended up as a couple, it sort of just happened. Neither one of us was looking for love. But we found friendship which quickly turned into more and and when it did, we both knew were committed to work it out together no matter what. And here we are! 🙂 I respect your stance, because its not for the faint at heart!
TARONYA DUKES JACKSON says
OMG!! I LOVE IT! EVEN THOUGH IM NOT IN THIS SITUATION, IT SHED MUCH LIGHT ON STEP PARENTING. STAY PRAYED UP AND IM VERY PROUD OF YOU!!!
Sheree says
Thanks Taronya! I will definitely continue to pray. I have received so much encouragement from others after sharing this! Blessings to you too!
Stacey says
James Cleveland said it best, “Nobody told me that road would be easy”
Well, it’s hard and I cry often. Listening to you makes me realize more and more that the surrender to the lord is the answer. Once we do that then all else will fall into place. I keep praying!!!
Sheree says
You and I both Stacey. I can’t help but to surrender, because there are no [earthly] answers. I love that song – “I don’t believe He brought me this far to leave me…” Stay strong and take care!
djrelat7 says
You’ve done the only thing you can, and that goes for any problem or situation that is bothering us, is pray on it and give it to God. You listened and saw results. I do not believe that anyone can truly say that their life is perfect. But you’ve proven that you can get there. A prayer goes out to you and your family that God will continue to walk with you on your journey to family bliss. Thanks for sharing!
Sheree says
Thanks djrelat7, I have. I’m hopeful that we can only get better and not worse. Your words are very kind. Thanks for your prayers!
ShayYeldell says
I LOVEEEE this article, even though I’m not in a blended family situation your revelation spoke volumes to me as I am sure it will for women both blended & unblended. Thanks for providing such clear & consise writing on the issue..you’ve given me a mini-workbook of TO-DOs with this one writing. Hope to hear more from you!!!!
Sheree says
Thank you Shay. I am glad that my story was a blessing to you. My revelation was not going to be complete without sharing this testimony. A “workbook of TO-DOs”. I love it! I wish you the best!
Bree says
I started crying when I read this. I felt no-one understands my pain. I cry everyday. I almost hate coming home and when I see calls from home I almost dread answering the phone because most of the time it is a problem. My 17 year old HATES yes HATES my husband. My husband has grown tired of my sons mess. We even considered separating until my son was 18! I love my son and my husband but it is killing me inside. I Don’t sleIewell and am just depressedy .
Letrell manchand says
I have a blended family and a times it was hard. But honestly I do not cater or cave to my sons feelings. Children are fickle, moody, and at times irrational. I operate in the context of reality not what If? Or if you? What happens when?? As a unit the kids do what WE say end of discussion. One gets this the other gets. One don’t get due to behavior or whateva,,, he don’t get period. I don’t care if he is mad, cries blood, or falls out. Whateva daddy says goes..,, it goes. Whateva I say goes it goes. I’ve seen a lot of marriages tore apart because of some spoiled I hate my stepdad/stepmom kid. Who cares about their “feelings”. And honestly I feel when a child acts out for no warranted reason it’s manipulation of the weaker parent. The one who will say aww baby what’s wrong? Ate you not happy! What can I do to make it all better? Please. My stepson could kill himself when he was on his bullshit. I talked and coddled but after about a week I told him look we can do this the easy way or hard way it’s up to you. But at the end of the day we ate a loving family. A unit. Who takes care of each other. You wanna hey down with this crew or not? If yes, let’s rock and roll. If no, then make a plan b and kick rocks cause Im not putting up with the bullsh2t. Seems harsh but he was a teen. And guess what when I put it to him straight. He fell right into line. Me and him ate attached at the hip. I actually need some space. Love my kids. Love my family. But no way in hell am I Gina live in a house with drama and contention. I work too hard and being that I teach I may come home and napalm the whole house if the say is going to rough. Laugh out loud.
Laborndcluv says
Oh, I thought of another way that single parents sabotage a future relationship/marriage. And please know that I am not criticizing, it’s just usually when you’re not in a situation, you can see it clearer from the outside. Single parents almost treat the children as if they are in a relationship with them, and I do not mean this in a nasty way (like no molestation or anything). But in the things they do with them or how they relate to them. I know personally at least three of my single parent friends that sleep with their children (I know some married couples that do this also, but they are already married, so the context is different). I think this is absolutely insane, first off, your children should learn to sleep by themselves in their own bed. We NEVER slept with our parents. Besides the obvious reasons (how the heck can you have, ahem, relations), it is a BARRIER between you and your husband. So if you are single, and your child is used to sleeping with you, of course they are going to feel neglected when your new husband/wife comes along and they are put out the bed. Well they never should have been there in the first place!!!! And some of my friends have actually told me that they let the kids sleep there because they (meaning the parent) are lonely!!!!! Nooooooo…bad idea. I don’t like sleeping with children, they’re hot, they kick you, and nobody sleeps well but them.
I’m just saying, sometimes I think we set ourselves up for failure without realizing it.
Cmarie says
Wow!!!! This article blessed my life! I have been married for one year and it has been a very difficult one. Our number one issue was the relationship between my 10 year old son and my husband. They seem to never get along and I always end up being the bad guy. My husband felt disrespected and my son felt neglected because it has always just been me and him. His father was never in the picture other than when he was a baby. So I was feeling torn and like my husband was being too hard on my son and like he should give him time to adjust because he wasn’t used to that or a man being around. I am starting to realize that if I don’t respect my husband in discipline situations, neither will my son. My son always run to me to tell on my husband like he is a child or something. I admit I was taking my sons’ side sometimes at first. I started trying to respect my husbands choices because he loves my son and does things with and for him and has been the only father he has known. So I say your article
Cmarie says
So I thank you for sharing because it is confirmation for me to remove myself and let go and submit to my husband, even with my son. It is Gods way, and he is the head of our household now, not me. He is a really good guy and I trust him with my life as well as my son’s. If I want to give us a fighting chance I have to learn to let go and let God and let my husband be the man and father he is called to be. It just helps to know that I am not the only one experiencing a situation like this. Thanks…and please keep us in prayer:) God bless….
Chrissy says
Hello Sis Sheree,
I should have acknowledged such information during this 1yr marriage/ 4yr relationship with my husband and I with our blended families. It has been very hard these past years we’ve been together. Lots has happened during these years and there are a lot of emotions in this relationship as a whole. My husband has a son and I have a son when we were dating. It is extremely stereotypical to not understand that when dating, there are questions that should be asked in all aspects. We just think that everything will be fine because we’re fine. NOT! There were times before marriage that we had misunderstandings about things but after………. It was turmoil dealing with that as well as we had another child together. The children, as of now, are 6,5, and 10mths. So the problem is not with the children but with me. Coming from being a single parent feeling that my decisions were the best for my child and being stereotypical of black single males knowing what/ how to do anything for a child. This article will definitely be revisited time and time again. Along with prayer…………………………………….. THANK YOU.
Maurice says
Those grey hairs are wisdom. When we pray we all need to completely submit & surrender & list for our Father’s direction. Glad you were open to hear God’s direction & acted upon it instead of continuing the same cycle. And because you did so now u r reaping the blessings for that. Although u say things arent perfect they are atleast heading into that direction instead of were it was headed before. May God continue to bless you & your family. Blessings
Mia says
This is EXACTLY what i’m dealing with. I’m very tired being the person in the middle. Its damned if you do, damned if you don’t. There have been plenty days I wanted to get in my car and drive far far away from everyone.