On the flipside of this blended family puzzle, after 10 years of marriage my husband’s 15 year old son came to live with us and that was another tricky situation, because he was definitely an older child. When I agreed that he could come, I didn’t know how it would work out, but what I did know is that I love my husband and that I was going to do my best to make him feel comfortable and at home. Here are 7 more suggestions that we chose to do that helped him and could help you to make it through the transition into a blended family.
We never made him call me mom.
I never tried to be his mom. I took care of him and exacted discipline as if he was my own yes, but never tried to take his mother’s place. I think that’s a touchy issue for most kids and other parents as stated earlier. Sometimes he called me mom and sometimes he called me Stacey and I was ok with whatever made him comfortable.
Give them their own space.
We did not make him share a room when he got here. If you can, give them their own space. It has got to be hard to move from everything you know into a new place with different people. A private space like their own room will give them a safe place to relax and adjust.
Lay down the rules on day one
When kids come from other households they are really coming from another culture or another way of doing things. Make sure they understand what is acceptable and unacceptable in your household and do that from the start.
Allow them the time they need to adjust
Simple. Give them time to adjust. Don’t expect complete and total assimilation during those 1st few weeks/months. Rome was not built in a day. Time is essential.
Be patient
Nothing in life is perfect. Expecting children to NEVER act out sometimes is delusional. I don’t mean out of control behavior, but being allowed to express themselves emotionally. Be patient and choose your battles. Don’t make a big deal out of everything.
Never bad mouth the other parent
NEVER! This will only breed resentment and hatred. Also remember that no matter how you feel about the other parent the child loves that person. Dont hurt them by allowing your mouth to spill out things that the child really has nothing to do with.
While trying to write this post, my stepson (only referring to him as that for the sake of this article. He is my son) who is grown now and lives on his own, came over just to talk as he often does and I love that. It lets me know that through everything that he appreciates and respects me. I believe that in the end its all good. My biological sons also love and show respect to my husband. They also are grown now and all of them are respectable, well rounded young men. I think we did good. Either way if it can work out for me, then it can also work out for you. If you can figure out what is going to work best for you and your family and keep everything in the best interest of your kids, you can’t go wrong. All blended families differ much like a fingerprints, no two are exactly alike. Remember that when taking anyone’s advice. The important thing is to be a team and work together to eventually make the transition into a blended family a smoother one.
BMWK: What has your blended family experience been like?
I was a stepmother for 16 years (since she was 4 months old) and still consider myself so, she is now 19 years old. I am a divorced from her father and we have maintained our relationship. I struggled while married with being in a blended family. Mainly because it seemed that my stepdaughter could do no wrong in everyone’s eyes but I was always accused of being mean and treating her bad which was FAR from the truth. Truthfully she was a typical child, however after about 10 years deep, I realized that it was my relationship with my husband that was “off” and “terrible” that caused us so much struggle. These tips are very useful and I’m glad that I figured it out…eventually. I now know what I need for my future relationship with my own kids in a Blended Family. We need to be on the same page as a couple. I wrote a fiction novel (“Reality Check:Stepmother Chronicles”) based off of my experience (and of other women I know) and it was so therapeutic for me. I was blessed with a beautiful daughter and we interchangeably refer to each other as stepmom/stepdaughter and mom/daughter. I never made her call me mom, it was her choice. Its a choice to love each other in a blended family. It takes a conscious effort and prayer. I’m thankful for the experience and with the rate families are growing today, I am praying that blended families become stronger and remain forever families.
Why is it so terrible to refer to your spouses child as your “stepchild”?
He had a child before we married and we had two children together. It is obvious I am not her mother and she doesn’t consider me her mother. I am always there to pray and give advice but that’s about all. I grew up with step parents and the worse part was my biological parents trying to force the relationship.