My mom and dad weren’t married. It’s never been a family secret. I love and respect my mom for always being honest about that. When I was really young, I thought they were married. My dad was around so that just made sense. Once I was old enough to start asking questions, my mother gave me honest answers. I know it wasn’t easy for her to share, but she did.
One of seven children, my mom grew up with three sisters and three brothers. All of her brothers married, but only one of her sisters did. And sadly, that sister’s husband was unfaithful and her marriage ended. My grandmother and great-grandmother never married either. I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for them. So for years, the women in my family raised their children without knowing what it was like to live in a strong, healthy family unit.
As a child, I just knew marriage would be apart of my future.
Of course I had no idea what that would entail, so my initial fascination was all about the magic of a big wedding. As I got older, though, my desire to get married became deeper than that. I wanted a life partner. I wanted to spend my days with someone I could grow and share my dreams with. I also wanted my children to bond with their father in a way that I never bonded with mine. Indeed, getting married was part of my life plan.
I Broke the Cycle
Plans don’t always work out the way we want, but by the grace of God I got married a week before my thirtieth birthday and children soon followed. I married a man I developed a strong friendship with, and although what we have is not perfect, we are perfect for each other. With a good dose of humor and a lot of prayer, we face life’s challenges head on, knowing that God’s will always prevails, and for our marriage to work well, we have to work hard.
I think we can often get caught up in our family history, believing patterns the that came before us will persist. They don’t have to, though. It doesn’t matter what has happened in our family, we always have the right to choose and work for something different.
Of course it can be hard creating a healthy partnership when you never saw one growing up—but it’s possible.
When you turn to your faith, counseling, and resources (like blackandmarriedwithkids.com), you can develop the skills your need to make your marriage last.
I can’t say for sure why the women in my family never experienced happy, healthy marriages. I am sure the reasons are plenty and it’s probably nothing short of complicated. I do know, however, that at an early age my mom made it clear that she wanted different for me and I heard her message loud and clear. She wasn’t able to share the ins and outs of married life with me, but she surely shared the value of it based on what she believed in her heart to be true. I thank her immensely for that.
Family patterns and unhealthy cycles can be broken. You can create a life you want for yourself and your family regardless of what has happened in the past. I believe that the struggles of our ancestors can teach us valuable lessons, allowing us to create the lives that they actually deserved to have too. Learn from what’s happened, embrace the opportunities that lie before you, and know that you are responsible for creating the life you want. Cycles can always be broken.
BMWK family, can you share how you have been able to create a healthy partnership even you never saw one growing up?
Thanks and Blessings for this article! I noticed similar patterns in my family in regard to the females, while my uncles have strong unions. The message is received and embraced. I will break the cycle!
I have been married 14 years come June. My mother has 4 sisters and 1 brother, 2 of her sisters married,(1 ended in divorce, the other became a widow,never remarried, but has had a “friend” for over 30 years) 2 did not, nor did her brother ever marry,nor did my mom ever marry and i didn’t have a relationship w/ my father until I was in my 30’s. Despite this, I always wanted to be married, I never wanted to be someone’s “baby mother” & it was important to me that my children had a “good father” & by the grace of God, I never had that title and my children have a 2 Great fathers (God and my husband). Tho I was determined to have a family,(husband & children in the same house) coming from a family of single women definitely caused me to not know how to be a wife and I was definitely playing it by ear for a long time. My husband’s parents got divorced when he was 12 and even tho he had those 12 years of seeing marriage, he also seen/felt the effects of divorce and he too carried that into our marriage. We have talked in depth about our backgrounds and in the end we have decide to “break the cycle” We have been discussed divorce in the past, but decided that divorce is NOT AN OPTION! Our family is our first priority and we want to be a good married role model for our children, as we want all of them to be married one day and not just be someone’s “baby mother or father). The cycle and the the chains are broken!! With prayer, counseling, and hanging out with other marred people and people that care about their families and ours, and alot of hard work and sweat and tears, we know that we will be together until death do us part. Thank you for this article. We all need to know that we are not alone and are in this married thing together! GREAT ARTICLE!
I absolutely love this article and have felt this way all my life. I grew up in a family where the woman didn’t marry and/or had multiple male friends including my mother. As a little girl I always dreamed of being married and having children and giving my children what I didn’t have and that is two parents that love God first and for most and love each other unconditionally so that our children would see what true love is and want and desire that for themselves and their children. My husband and I are determined to break the cycle as well from our past generations(his background is very similar to mine). I know with God all things are possible.