by Tara Pringle Jefferson
An ongoing struggle throughout our short marriage has been the division of labor in our household. I’ve often felt like I’m shouldering 90% of the day-to-day work, while my husband gets the seasonal tasks of shoveling the driveway and mowing the lawn. We’ve tried 3,232 ways to make it work but we always seemed to end up in the same place: Me, grouchy and feeling unappreciated. Him, feeling tired of having to “prove” his usefulness around the house.
I share this struggle because I think a lot of couples (especially if they have kids) can relate. The endless list of things to do never gets shorter or goes away unless someone commits to doing them. If we don’t wash the dishes, they remain dirty. If we don’t vacuum, we’ll continue to accumulate dirt and dust bunnies until we’re able to trip over them. Simple fact: things need to get done.
So in our latest attempt to make the workload more balanced, I spelled out what I needed in simple terms. “Can you load the dishwasher after we eat dinner? Can you wash the clothes at least once per week? Put the toys away after the kids go to bed?”
In all honesty, I’d never tried to just say what I needed before. My requests always sounded like, “Could you be more helpful? Could you anticipate my needs more? Could you step in and take care of things when the kids are driving me crazy?” To me, that seemed like a no-brainer. Seemed simple. But my husband never quite understood what I meant. We’d continue to do the “Who’s going to do what” tango on and off.
This time, when I spelled out directly what kind of help I needed, things were different. Every morning for the past two weeks I’ve come downstairs to a clean kitchen, an empty dishwasher and a cabinet full of clean dishes. For a work-at-home mom, this has to be the best thing my husband could do to get my day off to a good start. Now I can just focus on making breakfast, rather than shoving dirty dishes out the way from dinner the night before.
I’ve gone out of my way to let my husband know I appreciate this. And I feel that his effort to have my days begin stress-free, coupled with my sincere appreciation for one small change, well, that has us on a new path of cooperation.
Sometimes in a marriage, we want the changes to come overnight. We suddenly want our non-talkative spouse to turn into a talk-show host in a matter of hours, we want the romance back over one date. We want things to change on our timetable, when in reality, true (and lasting) change takes much longer than that. Why? Because change itself requires time to blossom, and enough time for you to notice it’s taking place.
BMWK family, what do you do when you’re impatient about changes in your relationship?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.
Melissa A says
You are up early if you’ve already blogged for the day! :-). I recently started following Black and Married on twitter. I appreciate the insights and information you all share. Speifically saying what I want has and continues to be a struggle for me because I think “Do you not see the dirty dishes in the sink?” or “We are all going out. You have on your coat; do you not think the little man needs to have his on too?”. These seem like obvious no-brainers to me. But as wives who’ve been married longer than I have, and as you have demonstrated here, it seems that we do have to be specific about what we want/need help with.
Sigh. It’s still frustrating. 🙂
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
I used to feel like I was the only one that saw the dirty dishes or that piles of laundry were in fact taller than both of us. But then I realized, my husband sees them, it’s just obvious not important enough for him to attend to at that moment because 1) he knows it drives me crazy to see dirty dishes, so I usually put them in the dishwasher 2) he’d rather relax right now and do it later. I had to tell my husband that mess and dirt makes me crazy and I can’t really relax for the evening until the kitchen is clean.
Anonymous says
I find that we need tips for maintaining the consistency of these arrangements more than anything else. All it takes is a couple of events to throw our routines off track – maybe he went out of town for the weekend or made prepared dinner, so, I did the dishes as a ‘thank you.’ Next thing you know, I’m back doing dishes again.
Revisiting those agreements after a change in routine is critical to the long-term success of balanced household duties.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
I feel you. We had it semi-figured out last year, then I decided to go back to school. Now I have papers and projects and studying that needs to consume my evenings, but my husband still wanted to do his “I’m chilling watching Sportscenter” evening routine. Well, if I’m studying and he’s chilling, who’s taking care of the dishes? So being able to recognize the ebbs and flows of it all is crucial for couples.
Anonymous says
Yes. I also meant to say when there’s a big change in the household, like school, a new baby, or a move. When we moved into a new place and didn’t revisit our prior household duties, there were things that went undone that we both expected the other to address.
Reggie Williams says
Tara, you and I were on one accord today. My post “Becoming a versatile husband” speaks to the spirit of your post.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
TheMrs says
This has been the major issue in our household!!!! My husband was raised to believe that the wife did all the household chores…but that philosophy doesn’t work when the wife also has a career. We went wrong when I didn’t address this early on and continued to do all the housework while working when we had 1 small toddler. Once we added our twins(happy 10th bday babies!!!!) and then added our last daughter the following year my time was shuffled greatly and my availability to run a load of laundry, wash dishes, and even think about sweeping and mopping became nearly nonexistant. Thankfully now our children are older and they help around the house. But that doesn’t change the fact that I need to constantly repeat my needs to my husband. I mean didn’t he just sit that cup spill, can’t he see the piles of laundry, why does he not notice that we need more pull-ups when he grabbed the last one?!?!?!
Lynessa says
My husband and I had a discussion about this very subject last night. When asked why men don’t just help where help is needed on their own, he replied and said
” Sometimes we just aren’t considerate. Most men are selfish natured. We feel if we take care of the fundamental necessities, we’ve done what is expected of us. ” Not to say that its right, but that is just simply how men think sometimes. And simply asking if they will do something will go a long way. Not nagging. Not bringing up everything you do in comparison to him. Not rolling your eyes and talking down to him like he’s a child, but simply asking. Women don’t always stay on top of their game regarding what’s important to a man either. We arent 100% of the time considerate of their needs and wants. And we can’t always read their minds. We have to realistic expectations. Effectively communicatewith our husbands with respect if we expect to receive what we need. That’s not just men though, that’s anybody. Grant your spouse the same grace you give people outside of your home. The world doesn’t revolve around your own needs and desires. So, you have to share your expectations in a manner worth receiving. When I changed my approach with my husband, my attitude and learned to really explain my frustrations…we got a lot of things done. Our house stays clean, our clothes stay washed, we both have full time jobs, commitments outside of the house and three kids. So it does work.