“Happy wife, happy life!” is a common piece of advice every man is given when he gets into a relationship or marriage, but how exactly do you achieve this if you’re already in an unhappy relationship? While I endorse treating your woman like a queen, sometimes that’s just not enough for some women. In this post, we’ve listed some of the possible reasons why your relationship or marriage can be described as “rocky.”
Why You Might Be in an Unhappy Relationship
In this article:
- Why Women Complain About an Unhappy Relationship
- You’re Never Satisfied
- Your Attitude Is Terrible
- You Talk to and Treat Him Like a Child
- You Keep Bringing Up the Past
- You Don’t Make Time for Him
- What You Can Do Better to Avoid an Unhappy Relationship
Why Women Complain About an Unhappy Relationship
The more I coach, the more I run into situations where many women will complain about all that’s wrong with their men but are completely oblivious to his frustrations with her. Well, I’ve narrowed down a few common concerns, five to be exact, that I hear from good men whose women are just about to push them over the edge.
I hope you’ll read this with an open heart and not a defensive one. If it doesn’t apply to you, then great; but if it does, open up the lines of communication with your man and improve it!
You’re Never Satisfied
One of the most frustrating things for a man is when he is absolutely trying everything he can to make you happy, yet you always seem to find the next thing he isn’t doing perfectly.
- You asked him to be more affectionate; he’s attempting to, but you aren’t satisfied because it’s not natural enough for you.
- You asked him to help more around the house; he did, but you found a reason to complain because of how he folded the towels or when he washed the dishes.
Just because your man doesn’t do things the way YOU want him to do, it doesn’t mean he’s wrong, and it doesn’t give you permission to complain about everything. Extend a “thank you” rather than a turned up nose and side eye.
Your Attitude Is Terrible
Yeah, I’m sure many will say, “Well, I only have an attitude because he….” As true as that is sometimes, many times actually, the attitude problem has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you or everyone else.
Maybe you’re mad at your friends or family, work is stressing you out, or the kids are getting on your nerves. Yet, for some reason, you lash out at him. He may take it most times, but at some point, it will get really old and he won’t want to be around you.
You Talk to and Treat Him Like a Child
A fundamental need for a man is respect. When you speak to him as if he is a child, it’s the fastest way to raise his defenses and cause him to shut down. Maybe you have kids and are used to speaking down to them, but when you start speaking to your man in a condescending tone, you need to check yourself because it’s both disrespectful and ineffective.
He won’t appreciate it, and there’s nothing sexy about it. Have adult conversations with your husband when you have issues with him, but yelling, screaming, or being condescending simply won’t serve a greater purpose in your relationship.
Additionally, stop patronizing and scolding him about chores and household issues as if he is your eight-year-old. If you need assistance, ask for what you need; scolding a grown man and showing him a lack of respect will only cause conflict.
You Keep Bringing Up the Past
You said you forgave him, you said you were over the situation. Yet every time there’s a disagreement, the same issue seems to come right back up. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, you bring up the issues from the past and try to make them a part of the issue of the present.
You use words like “ALWAYS” or “EVERY TIME”, and although you know it’s not true, you know it’s a way to demean what he actually does do, so you push his buttons. That’s not fighting fair, and he’ll get tired of it sooner than you think.
You Don’t Make Time for Him
So you have time to be on every committee at church and in all your organizations — you’re a supermom and a superwoman at your job. Yet, the person that gets the leftovers of your time is your husband.
You spread yourself so thin you have no energy to be affectionate to him. When he attempts to be intimate with you, you simply blow it off or have a “headache.” Yup, I can hear the ladies once again saying, “Well, he should just…”
What You Can Do Better to Avoid an Unhappy Relationship
I encourage you to reflect and see if there’s anything YOU can be doing better to have the time and energy for him. Make him a priority. He may not say much because he doesn’t want to come off as ‘needy,’ but trust and believe he’s getting tired of playing second, third, or fourth fiddle to everything else in your life.
For those who read my blogs consistently, you know I give many tips for men on how to treat their women better, but this one just isn’t one of them!
What’s a healthy relationship and how can you tell if you’re in one? Check out this video from Iyanla Vanzant to learn more:
If you want something similar I wrote for men, here you go. I hope this might serve as a gut check for some ladies out there and, as a result, they may find themselves communicating a little more with their man about some of these possible issues in an unhappy relationship.
BMWK Family, get involved in the conversation: what are some things in an unhappy relationship that your mate may be doing that bothers you yet they aren’t even aware of it?
Up Next: 10 Ways To Survive In Your Marriage When Your In-Laws Hate You
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on August 11, 2015. It has been updated for quality and relevancy.
This could not be more on point. Ask me why I broke up with the last 5 people (20+ years ago in my younger days) and I could give you these 5 reasons. No matter how right and justified you may feel or even BE, it’s about the tact you handle it with! Thanks for putting it together. Hopefully it sparks constructive thought.
It doesn’t sound like you’re choosing the right women. Be open for changes and growth wnd look for the same when searching for a partner. People are attracted to like minded people.
I love this! It is exactly what I needed to read this AM. I am newly married (9 months) and me and my husband have been having some issues with miscommunication in the last couple of weeks. The first reason spoke VOLUMES!! Thanks for sharing!
Preach Minister Troy!!!!!!!! You are stepping on some toes with this one because it is too real!
Yes, this article is right on point. In my opinion, it should of talked about how selfish a lot of women are because they believe that a happy wife is a happy life and delusional to believe their man’s happiness is not important which is one of the biggest lies out there. Many of them don’t cater to their men or treat them like a king but want that treatment for themselves only. Overall, it was a very good article.
Guilty! But I recognized it, and I am correcting it as we speak. Shoot, my hubby is too sexy and too good to me to let it all go away……..with God all things are possible.
YES IT IS
I’d like to add society teaches selfishness. It’s all over the media especially. People need to stop imitating that kind of behavior. That’s why so many are alone. Yes, great article. We need to fear more of this again and again. Not for those who are taken advantage of.
so true! …and it starts with the wedding — telling him to shut up, show up, and just open his wallet on command. “The wedding is about the bride” they say. Really? And somehow delusional bride is supposed to get a clue that it REALLY is not all about her? chile… I’ve seen this with a male friend who’s a good guy, but like someone already said, men CHOOSE this type of woman.
Great read. I’ve been trying to communicate this for so long but she downplays it all.
This article is so on point and it describes my situation to the T. I would love to share this with my wife but she will only fuss about it and I will never hear the end of it.
Thanks so much to everyone for reading my article and for being open and honest with feedback. I believe too many times in relationships we spend more time blaming each other instead of getting to know and understand one another and as a result nothing ever gets resolved. This article was my attempt to give the ladies some insight from the minds of many males. There is always a risk I take by writing something like this but I’m willing to take that risk if it means men and women can better understand one another! Please check out more of my work by liking my FB page at http://www.thefacebook.com/xklusivethoughts
Solid article. I can say 10 years in we’ve cleared those hurdles and others never existed. No need to qualify your argument by posting an alternative link for the man. It gives the impression women can’t handle criticism, although, you may have, subconsciously, created a 6th point. . . .or subliminally. Lol. In any event with 50+% of all marriages ending in divorce and the fact that it doesn’t speak to the masses that have never been married approaching 35+ I think both sides can stop getting offended when the other generalizes. I think the numbers show we can make blanket statements of each other. If we don’t like it then we need to correct it 1 relationship at a time. That would be the same way we got in this statistical ditch to begin with right?
hmmm … it’s interesting that the article of “something similar I wrote for men” basically says the reasons women are fed up with men aren’t really the issue (because you didn’t actually detail any). that piece basically boils down to one more thing women aren’t doing — telling their men what the problems are.
i do agree that we all have to look to ourselves to determine our roles in failing relationships and in the efforts to improve them. and i definitely don’t take these kinds of blanket statements about women personally, i just find it odd that all of your positions–even the ones you seem to think are the opposite–appear to be related to how women are ineffective in relationships with men. i guess there’s an audience for it, so i hope it’s helping whoever it’s intended to help.
What other articles are there from him? I’m interested to hear the opposing side of this coin. . . .from both perspectives.
Travis if you just search my name on the site you can find all of the articles I have on here from different perspectives. My personal site is http://www.xklusivethoughts.com
Ebony while I understand your disagreement with some parts of my article I have to say that one of the things I enjoy about writing is that we are all entitled to our own opinions. I have a huge body of work on these sites and others and I’d like to think that for the most part it’s pretty balanced in my approach. Secondly it is my beliefs that while we all have differences there are commonalities that tend to exist “in general.” There is no way to break down every possible angle in one blog but I always welcome the dialogue from different perspectives. My intent is always to start a meaningful dialogue even if that’s done by merely expressing my opinions and the opinions of others. We all have a role to play in making our relationships healthier and a lot of that starts with at least trying to understand where the other side is coming from. Thanks for reading and I would def be interested in reading the article you wrote. Feel free to email it to me at [email protected]