Too often in too many marriages couples are missing the mark on effective communication. Spouses are taking turns shutting down. They are personally dealing with issues and emotions causing a disconnect between them and their mate. And yet they are silently choosing to disregard, suppress feelings and not address it with their spouse.
Normally the idea behind that choice is allowing it to blow over so it’s no longer an issue. Or secretly hoping the spouse would pick up on it and come to the rescue, apologize or just fix the problem.
I bet somewhere right now there is a husband or a wife just steaming with anger while thinking back on something that was said or done over a week ago (at least) with the other spouse having no idea.
Can you imagine holding on to something, not releasing, not sharing with your spouse and not trying to improve the situation? Who really benefits from this behavior? Neither spouse of course. The spouse holding on to it is suffering in silence and the other spouse is left in the dark, knowing something is wrong but not being given the opportunity to make improvements. A relationship immediately loses its strength and the ability to grow when this happens too often.
If you are the King of shutdown or the Queen of “my spouse better figure out what’s wrong with me, without my telling him”, you are not alone and there is hope.
I used to be that queen, and okay I’ll admit still wear that crown from time to time. It is not always as simple as it sounds, I know. We think after so many years of being with the same person they would have figured us out by now. They would immediately know when we are angry and by the way we either fold our arms or tilt our head, what specifically we are angry about. This type of foresight requires special spidey senses, ESP and other psychic abilities that unfortunately the majority of us do not possess. This goes even further than when we’re just upset, but also when our needs aren’t being met. We have to set pride and stubbornness aside (or whatever is preventing us from opening up to our spouse) to get what we need out of our marriages.
I finally arrived at a place where it became clear to me that I better open up and communicate. How are my needs going to be met if I leave my spouse out of the conversation? If we sit by and quietly expect our spouse to know our desires without actually opening our mouth and communicating them, my friends we are in for a rude awakening.
Our spouses are normally our sounding board for all else that happens to us in the world. We can share what’s going on with our jobs and in our friendships, but when it comes to discussing the marriage some of us struggle. We all know how we communicate best, how we receive information and what brings us joy and what rubs us the wrong way.
I challenge anyone, who hasn’t already, to take that a step further and provide that information to our spouses and watch the impact it can have on your marriage.
Keesav says
GREAT article!!
Helluva says
I thank you for this article. It was much needed.
Robingraham2 says
Yeah, but sometimes you are silent because it has all been said before and not much changes. I get sometimes we can forget the trigger points of your mate, but there are times when you are tired of repeating yourself. Then what??
Briana Myricks says
It’s gonna take a while but I’m working on it!
Jayeb1 says
Another excellent article, once again you have said a mouthful. Can’t speak for eveyone, but we’ve all been guilty of this in some form or another. I especially like the spidey sense/ESP piece, which is so true. I agree with Robingraham2 how when we do try to communicate effectively with your spouse and still feel as though you’re wasting your time then what do you do? That’s the challenge that has to be overcome. Again, great article and I do admit that it ‘s easier said than done to retire the crown.
Rubygriffin36 says
I have said this over and over and over again..If you’re speaking up and your spouse are shutting down your marriage is liking attention…meaning you talking loud and saying nothing…your spouse are listening,but he only hear the same rhythme,you have to practice what you preach,are you willing to do.what you ask of your spouse..This has been my memo,If there something in y’all marriage or relationship that you do like or dont like speak up in th beginning..If not release…