When I listen to other couples share some of the struggles in their relationship, there are usually a few common themes:
- “He doesn’t listen”
- “She doesn’t know how to talk to me”
- “I don’t feel like a priority”
The statements that usually follow indicate that this partner is starting to feel neglected and undesired. We all know what can happen when one starts to have those types of feelings. They begin to seek comfort and understanding elsewhere – in the arms, or bed, of another.
Sometimes individuals feel as though simply asking for what they need in their marriage just isn’t enough because their partner doesn’t seem to be listening. It may seem like the only other options are to either leave or cheat.
Related: Don’t know how to get what you want out of your marriage? Here are 3 ways that might help.
While it can be extremely frustrating to be dissatisfied in your relationship, cheating and/or leaving should never be your first line of defense. Here are some things to keep in mind about your marriage and why you should remain faithful.
Divorce is not an option
Couples who have this statement as their marriage motto are typically most successful in love. Knowing there is nowhere to run and hide when your marriage feels a little funky, forces couples to stay and work on a resolution together.
If I know my only option is to make it work, guess what, I’m going to make it work. Because again, I have no other choice. This should be the thinking that every couple brings into their marriage.
Cheating is not an option
We don’t hear this one as often, but again, taking certain things off of the table makes you fight that much harder to bring healthy options into your union.
Sometimes, we have to be really proactive to make this one a reality. You may have to remove yourself from environments and people that tempt you in this way. Remember, you are in control. So count your costs and realize it isn’t at all worth it.
Related: Is it possible to affair-proof your marriage? Try these 3 action steps.
There is a ripple effect when married people cheat. Children, the other spouse, and extended family all suffer when someone succumbs to infidelity and ruins their marriage. People who cheat don’t often count the costs or think about what they stand to lose. One night of passion is never worth destroying your family.
Honesty is always the best policy, still.
Before a person decides to cheat, they should actually share the temptation with their spouse and why they find themselves at that point.
Sometimes, we don’t know how unhappy our spouse is until they have one of these difficult, heart-to-heart conversations with us. We at least owe it to our spouse to keep them informed on when things change for us in the marriage.
Infidelity doesn’t have to happen and there isn’t ever any real justification for it. Couples have to discuss their challenges, share when they are unhappy, and provide their spouse an opportunity to change, if necessary, prior to cheating.
BMWK, Are these options off the table in your marriage?
How do you address the issue to your spouse of feeling neglected? When I say neglected, I’m not speaking in reference to sexual needs, but rather emotional intimacy and quality time. My spouse spends way too much time playing video games. When I spoke to him about him balancing out his time, he snapped and said I’m jealous because I’m not his main focus. I’m tired of feeling irrelevant to him. If the tables were turned and I spent too much time catering to my hobbies and not my marriage or family, then I’m a bad mother and wife.
Mrs. D sounds like you both need serious counseling. If he doesn’t go, then you should still go. I don’t for the life of me understand though how people end up married to such mean, nasty, and selfish people? Were they not like this when you were dating them? I’m not married, however, one thing all the married people in my family taught me was there is no room for selfishness in a marriage. Practically everyone in my family, (all the elders anyway) stay married until death. I vowed never to marry a selfish person. I also know enough to never disrespect, mistreat, or be selfish towards my future husband.
At any rate, counseling is definitely needed.
God Bless
Sometimes a man can show you all the right things pre marriage but we don’t always pay attention to those red flags before moving forward. We then marry what we hoped would turn into something greater. We hope those red flags we feel aren’t what they seem because he’s so great otherwise. It’s just those few qualities that don’t quite seem right. We feel as if we’ve got the Midas touch and can fix them. We’re so wrong. We must learn to trust our instincts over emotion when making a lifetime decision. I’ve made that mistake, but I’ve learned my lesson.
Often times it’s about the approach and timing. If you start out with saying, You don’t take me out, you don’t spend time with me things like that just go in one ear and out the other. It’s about the words you use and tone. I know you feel upset and hurt in the moment but approaching the situation differently may work.
Love it !!!!!.. Simply to the point!!!.. Nothing complex about it!!
My question is what do you do when your spouse completely quits talking to you when he’s made a mistake? I ask the same question as Vandell…How long do you wait for your spouse to decide he wants to be your spouse again? It’s been a year now. My point is I just want to know where I stand it this so called marriage? When you started talking it was about something or someone outside the house. But when a question is asked about what are we going to do, the shutdown occurs! What is that? Why can a man just stand up and be a man and say..”I’m not interested anymore!” That would be better than allowing someone to go on for months not knowing where your heart is!
My question is similar to yours and Vandell’s. What if you have made your desires and needs known and your spouse gives lip service to trying to meet them, but then starts making excuses as to why they can’t. How long do you wait for them to change?
Wait until you have done your part in trying to repair the marriage. You can’t fix a marriage alone, so in the meantime you work on yourself, and giving love without expectation. At the point your instincts let you know it’s time, then move forward. You always know when it’s time, trust yourself and what you know is right for you. No one else can tell you when enough is enough.
Amen!!
What do you do when outsiders give “off key ” advice and your spouse decides that is the best advice to follow.instead of discussing problems or difference with you would rather discuss with “people with agenda “.
But when it comes to his “blood family ” the ‘outside ‘ advice is not the way to go. All the talks of how to go forward and make this Union work are condemned as total nonsense when it comes from your mouth, but is the self same good advice when ‘his people ” are facing similar difficulties
Communication is a two way street,what do you do when everything you do is wrong,fault is found with everything you do or say. Your spouse “stores up ” all your misdemeanours and uses it as standpoint for any disagreements. Something that happened months ago has been left festering , what started off as slight misunderstanding has now become full blown war., their seasoned version of the past is bought up,added to the present and blown totally out of proportion 1+1=5
You say cheating is not an option. I agree and I have been faithful to my husband for 32.5 years, but yet he made a choice to cheat on me. I was contacted by the other woman . She sent me pictures of her and my husband having sex. That is the most hurtful thing in the world.