Are you hearing or are you listening to your spouse? (Or, as Birdman would say: Is you hearing or is you listening?)
Jokes aside, the two sound the same, right? But there is a difference between the two.
Yes, a big difference. Think back to the last argument you had with your spouse. If you’re anything like me, I’m sure you’ve said the infamous words, “I HEAR YOU!” And you’ve said it likely in rebuttal to your spouse calling you out for paying attention.
So, what’s the difference between hearing and listening, and how do we move from hearing to listening?
When we’re hearing, we are simply perceiving sound with our ears. Those sounds equate to the words, which we may just tune out if our mind is already made up about the situation. When we’re listening, we’re actually paying attention to the words and attempting to make sense of our spouse’s words. So how can we move from hearing to listening?
Check out these five steps to make sure you are listening to your spouse and not just hearing your spouse.
1. Remember you and your spouse are on the same team
This is not the NBA Playoffs; no one is keeping score. You are a complete team that must function together. So in order to operate effectively as a team, you have to listen to each other’s points of view. If you’re not one (read: a team unit), then you’re working toward becoming one (read: all by yourself).
2. Make eye contact
Give your complete attention. Stop what you’re doing or ask for a time to talk to your spouse, so that both of you can have one another’s full attention. Sometimes our body language and nonverbal cues can communicate things (i.e. pain and hurt) that go unsaid. So if you’re able to observe your spouse while they communicate with you, you will be more likely to get the whole gist of what they’re trying to say.
3. Stop waiting for your moment to jump in
There is no way you can truly listen to your spouse if you’re constantly talking. Do you understand the words that are coming out of your spouse’s mouth (in my Chris Tucker voice)?
Try to open your mind and heart to listen to the words your spouse is speaking. Shhhhh…you may learn something. Actively listen by repeating to your spouse what you heard and how you understood what was said.
4. You don’t always have to be right
(That’s one of my problems.) More than likely the both of you have the same goal and just different paths to get to the goal. Very seldom does the GPS only give us one route. Be open to hearing your spouse out; it may enlighten you to a whole new perspective.
5. Make a conscious effort to use pet names/terms of endearment and to gently touch your spouse during the argument
Spouses can spew words that go straight to your heart and encase it in ice, just like a superhero releasing super powers. It’s amazing how a gentle touch or a “just listen, baby” during an argument can start to melt that ice box from your spouse’s heart.
Hear with expectancy and listen with intent. Hear expecting to learn the initial problem. Listen intending to solve the problem.
Danielle Williams is a writer and author of the website Blog Life of a Real Wife. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
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