“Adam & Eve weren’t married, “ he said.
I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe my boyfriend, a minister in training, was trying to convince me to sleep with him prior to marriage by using Bible characters.
When I persisted in saying no, he told me my desire to abstain was a “good goal,” but wasn’t realistic.
This man wasn’t the only “church player” I dated prior to meeting and marrying my husband. Another man warned me not to be “so heavenly minded that I was no earthly good.” I found out later that he was messing around with many sisters in the church. He actually told me after we broke up that he’d made a list of women he wanted to try to date. It was all a game to him!
Have you ever dated a church player? These are men who profess to be Christian, who may even be active in the church and are highly respected by people in the congregation, but they take advantage of the fact that women are taught to wait on the Lord to send them a man. They know that churches are made up of almost 80-90% of women. And they know that many of the single women haven’t been on a date in a long time and have been taught not to date men outside of the church.
These guys manipulate you with religious cliches like, “God said you’re my wife,” and “you’re my good thing.” They make you feel like they want to marry you, but have no intention of settling down with you. They’re after one thing, and once they get it, they’ll use more scriptures to justify why you need to break up!
Why does this happen in our churches which are supposed to be safe places for us?
Listen to the confession from this 40-year-old, divorced church player who came clean about his bad-boy behavior to author Sophia Nelson in her book, Black Woman Redefined:
“These women are like whores. I know it is wrong to use that term, but in my church, it is something like thirty-two to one, and the sisters let it all hang out. I am enjoying myself. I never knew such sexual freedom existed, but I would never marry one of these women. I know it is a double standard, but I am a man, and the world is not going to judge me as it does a woman. Worse, the pastor knows what goes on in here too, and he simply looks the other way.”
This self-proclaimed Christian man is manipulating the double-standard that exists in churches. Women are told to “act like a lady,” “stay out of the flesh,” and “keep your legs closed.” Then, when a man succeeds in melting her defenses and leaves her without the ring, she is shamed, blamed and humiliated.
The pain is so great for a woman who has been hurt by a church player that she tends to tighten up her belt of righteousness, build up walls around her heart, and focus solely on her faith. These women struggle with dating because they’re afraid of getting hurt again.
So what’s the solution? How can sisters protect themselves from church players without becoming so defensive that they shut all men out of their lives?
Honestly, we as a community need to have some real and raw conversations about this for the sake of healing our sisters and transforming our men.
To get started, here are four areas to consider:
1. We need to hold our church leaders accountable. The “boys will be boys” way of thinking needs to go, from the pews to the pulpit! Let’s expect our men to honor God, honor women and honor themselves. And let’s heal whatever it is that’s broken in these church players so that they can stop preying on others.
2. We need to rethink the ways we talk about sexuality in the church. Shaming women and holding them responsible for men’s bad behavior isn’t working, especially when you think about the centuries of abuse and trauma Black women have suffered at the hands of men they’ve loved.
God created sex and he created marriage, but if we continue with the “touch not, handle not” approach to teaching about sexuality, we’ll lose our sisters.
3. We need to heal ourselves. I spoke with a man who said that’s it’s a known fact that churches are filled with hurting women and guys will prey upon them. It’s time to disconnect from the pain of the past, sisters, so you don’t fall victim to the half-truths church players use to get what they want.
4. We need to teach the truth. If you’re constantly hearing things like, “online dating is a sin,” “women need to sit down somewhere and be found,” or “God’s will is for you to stay single but you’d better not have sex,” have the courage to think for yourself and search out the truth. God doesn’t use shame, blame or guilt to motivate us!
Find a life-giving church to attend that will teach you practical ways to date, court and get married that will honor God and keep you fulfilled. That way, when a church player comes with his one liners, you’ll see right through him!
BMWK, what would you add to the list?
I have seen this exact situation unfold at my church. The player of the Deacon board, and the Pastor turned the other cheek. I was digusted by what I saw!
So do you still attend that church?
I seen it before also and the PASTOR just ignore it this deacon was even violent toward the sister he dated she told the PASTOR the PASTOR inform her if she press charges the deacon could go to jail
. After that I left the church.
Are you still in Church today ,,did you turn away from Our Lord GOD.Are you still connected with the With Your Heavenly FATHER..
Eye opening to say the least. But just as the men as misguided so are the women and they ought to make sure that they know the Word and know who they are in Christ so that they don’t fall prey to these lies. The men can lie and be dirty cheats all they want but the women need to know their worth and not stand for this. My mantra for today’s young ladies: Know your worth and stand your ground.
Amen! A man is the maker of his own thoughts. He can do whatever he WILLS to do. There is no excuse for this behavior. God deemed a man to be the HEAD! As future heads MEN should all be bleeding in accountability and hold other men answerable who parade this type of character!
In February of this year I ended a 6 month relationship with a “Pastor” who I discovered was sleeping with 2 of his members and was suspected of sleeping with another church member and a married woman also. Fortunately, I was not intimate with him. He would often say that I thought that I was perfect. He would constantly criticize what I say, do, and wear. Unbeknownst to me, he treated me this way while in the midst of committing fornication and adultery with several women. According to one of the women, they had intercourse several times in the church and only a few feet away from the pulpit!! This particular woman is continuing to date him. I only date “Christian” men. However, EVERY one of them was offended when I refused to have sex outside of marriage. From the pulpit to the pew I have not met 1 who has the same commitment/desire that I have. I’m tired of the criticism and I’m no longer convinced that there are any men willing to make such a sacrifice in the name of living holy and blameless lives as we are called to as pastors, deacons, or teachers of the Word.
I hear ya loud and clear..i spoke to one pastor who said he and other pastors laugh at these ‘holy’ sistas who gave it up for the cost of a red lobster dinner (15 dollars ok?). I stayed celibate for 21 yrs until I married my husband. It becomes easier to say no, once you say it the first time. I’ve heard all the arguments, the begging, the break-ups, only for them to return after an absence, and state the friendship is fine without the sex, which lasts about 3 weeks before they begin to question your values and try to pressure you into sex once again. My body is a temple and I will not allow someone else to mess over it. (I can do that all by myself and not feel bad about it)
AMEN!!!!!!!
I’m so sorry you went through that Melanye. Let me know how I can support you as you move forward. Connect with me here: https://Facebook.com/AeshaAdamsRobertsbiz
Melanye. Praise God for the strength He has given you to stay celibate. Believe me i have learned after a sexually active life before i got saved, and two failed marriages, that the greatest gift a woman can give her husband is her virginity, her purity, her untouched-ness. I am no longer in a position to bring that to the marriage bed but you are! Your husband when he comes to you, will be blessed among men for receiving such a gift.
We as women also have to separate the man from his title! They are Men first with hormones, no one is excluded! If you put yourself in a compromising situation with a Pastor, Deacon, Prophet…etc, you open yourself up to be taking advantaged of! Women we have to be smart, and at the end if the day remember he’s still a Man!
Melanye, do not give up on your values. Just wait it out. Make sure that your will is in line with the will of God. You will be rewarded for your patience. Use your celibacy with your dates to see where their heads are. By this, I mean, when you let them know that you are celibate and will not have sex with them, their response should tell you if they are interested in your well being, cherish your ideals, or just want to put you down because you’re not on the same page as they are. If a man doesn’t respect your ideas, mores, or morals, drop him like a hot potato. It won’t get better if you wind up marrying him.
I wrote a short book about some of these issues. My heart goes out to all singles, especially women, who are lied to and deceived by these men in and outside of the church. Please check out my Website and book it’s only about $8, it will surely bless you. Thank you for exposing these incompetent “men of God”, who don’t sincerely fear Him but are only seeking their own pleasure.
That website is http://www.ceremonybeforesex.com
Pastors turn the other cheek because they’re doing it too lol…..but I would never think that just because a man goes to church every Sunday that he’s Godly (including the pastor). We need to get that out of our heads asap. For the few bm that are going to church anymore, we need to treat them like anyone else you would meet at an outing. Use discernment and let his actions speak, not his words.
Amen
The congregation can’t hold a minister accountable if they don’t know the word themselves and sitting under someone who us not teaching the word. It’s a matter if the heart. His knows who us really seeking the truth and He’ll send them to a place to receive.
I meant God knows who is really seeking the truth and will send them to a church that is teaching truth. It is a matter of the heart.
Great article. I addressed this issue a
year ago. Because women tend to outnumber men in the church, it’s a game and women tend to resort to the only pawn we think we have left, sex. We need to stop ministering to women only about abstaining and keeping your legs closed, and minster to men about ex, respect, integrity, and holiness.
Well we have such a case in our church now, I am just one man but I really hurt for the abused sister! It’s taken away my peace….may God help us!
Thank you all for taking the time to read & comment. My goal was not to bash men or religion, but to get a very important conversation started so we can see change. Thank you for starting the dialogue!
I believe all these people including the so called pastor; is playing church and not really serving God. I mean they don’t really have a relationship with God. They’re in church for the wrong reasons. Church is not a dating and mating place. it’s a place of worship for God.
I ran into one of these. It was a year and a half before I found out he was a Church Player. He was in Opelika, AL and I lived in TN. He pretended to be a good Christian man. His walk didn’t match his talk and I kept catching him in lies. Then he was exposed for what he really was. He was meeting women in church online to scam them out of money. Someone’s money paid for my ring and I am sorry he scammed you. I didn’t know but once I found out I dropped him and tried to warn others about him. Being in politics as a county commissioner is where he perfected his lying skills I guess! @ 64 yrs of age, he should know better. I say list them by name and expose them!
I really question the authenticity of the motive for this article? 1) Published on Good Friday first of all. 2) Focused on “Black” culture- If a “White” person had written this article only referencing “Blacks” in the article they would have been fired and characteristically tormented. 3) Confession- defined as a formal statement, (the so called confessors are anonymous in the article) 4) Double Standard- If a White Man had written the article- “Black Women Should Keep Their Legs Closed In the Church House”, it would be shamed, (or worse- publicized and shared like this one). 5) Lamar and Ronnie Tyler, (the “Founders” of this website states, “Our goal is to broadcast a positive image of marriage to the world)- WOW! Really? By the way….be sure to read the contradicting article- “4 Signs Your Standards are too High in Dating”- written by the same author.
@L. Dayon, there are no impure motives here, friend. Have you read the comments? Many other sisters have been hurt in the church. We need to heal. Let’s focus on that and do the work. Blessings!
Wow. I dont know how people get sucked in, but ine would thinm uts as clear as day. Im a Christian woman but i dont look at men when im in church. I go, grt The Word and exit stage left.
My. Oysin did get wrapped up with a so called apostle and he kept orezzuring her for sex. Tellung her she was his wife and they were getting marriedin may of last year after dating for a month. This was eb in march. I told her he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but she made it seem like i was an jealous. Her TN biggest issue is she seeks iut TN mjnisters ans people of ooaition within thE church. He saw her coming with flashing lights she almost bought a house and new Mercedes for “them” byt shebroke loose of his spell just in time. We encourage make our own decisions, but believing b someone eb because theyquote scripture zhould not be enough. If b heis pushing you to on do things an outside wen ofscripture you kniw he isnt right
I had the exact same thing occur with me, when I finally decided to listen to GOD. I began attending church, became fully involved in ministry and developed a friendship with a well known member of the church. He was highly looked upon by our Pastor and the ministry. There were alot of ladies in the church interested in him, by the looks that I began to recieve as we worked more and more with eachother. Long story short, he attempted to engage in explicit behaviors with me and I shut him down. It hurt, as I thought that I could trust this person. He had shown himself to be genuine, a brother in Christ and someone I had found to be quite helpful in my walk with Christ. I admit it bothered me so much that he played me like that and when I confronted him about it he kind of blew it off. I didn’t tell anyone in our church, affraid of what others would think of me, as he was the “golden child” in the church. I was a new member, single mome, etc. Who is going to believe me over him? I agree that something must be done in the church to help individuals like myself who are preyed upon by these church men.
Both parties have to hold them selves responsible!To my sister God gave us these laws for these very reasons to protect us from Hurt, shame and humiliation.So if a woman decided to have sex before she is married because the man from church says the right thing ,it was her and only her decision which we all freely have.so then she will face the consequences, hurt by the lie or the shame of getting pregnant out of wedlock. But as a Christian she should always remember God is forgiving and also learn from her experience.
Hey my brother is a church player and I tried to warn a friend that he is up to games and she was taken aback because she said I was judging him. Was I right for warning her? Now I feel like I shouldn’t have said anything.
You did the right thing!
I would love to share with you on this topic, I agree that it needs to be addressed immediately.
People need to remember that even the devil tempted Jesus by quoting scripture. As a Christian, we have to surround ourselves with people who truly live by the Word. If a man is saved, why would he lead anyone else into temptation? You can do bad by yourself.
This article is on point! We need to fasten our spiritual belts so hard in order to have the spirit of discernment from all this counterfeit characters of men in the church. After messing up my temple of God before I got truly born again, I was involved in a sexual relationship, ended up as an awesome single mother, I have learnt to consult God on all matters, because more than ever do I now realize that God cares about each detail of our life, including when you are going to pee! So as a now reformed woman of God, I met this amazing son of a pastor, very involved in church ministry, everyone admires him, hot as an angel but so committed to Christ. We were living in different towns, but the chemistry was perfect from the first time we met. We spent several hours on the phone each night. He planned to take me on vacation, we both packed..he was supposed to first travel to my town (because it was logical), then we would continue together to the vacation destination. I kept praying in my heart, asking God to lead me…before he arrived, he texted me that he got sick. So when he arrived, he was indeed sick, I took him to hospital. Guess what? Vacation cancelled. God had seen ahead, and knew we would end up having sex, so he intervened.
He started to feel better, and tried to entice me into sex, I refused, drove back to my apartment (he was staying at a hotel). He went mute on me for several days, travelled back!
Several months down the road, He boldly told me, can’t we have sex without a relationship? Through prayer, someone that knows him revealed to me that the guy is a player. He has played most girls in his choir, and left them hurting. Since then I have called it off…not that we were even in a relationship. He wanted things to happen in the dark…secretive, and I wanted to date in the light.
So, my dear sisters, there are wolfs in the church, whom the devil has specifically planted to destroy us. We should pray for discernment.
On the other hand, some of these experiences that most of us (and me) have gone through are so painful, but I reckon, God has allowed them to happen in order to build a certain character is us. When we testify, people never remain the same. God prepares each one of us for our different ministries by taking us through different painful journeys. In the end, when we are transformed and completely see the light, be become the most amazing ministers and preachers who speak from experience!
I’ve seen a grown Pastor do this. The womans vulnerability was really taken advantage of. What hope is there? The hope is in the scriptures. As women we must take some responsibility for our own actions. If someone tells us something we must check what the Bible says. Our confidence must come from understanding the Word not people. After all whether we are Pastors, deacons, everyday Jane we are all susceptible to the wiles of the devil. It is not right but we must do our part to look after ourselves. If we don’t who else will?
Any tips on how to live with our sexual desires until we do get married. The desire for intimacy and to be held is real. God keeps me day to day but every day is a struggle. I can hardly concentrate at work for being so lonely and sexually frustrated. I do keep myself busy with ministry, family and friends.
The church player who played me is now married with a kid. I haven’t told anyone for the shame that I was used. This man was my friend. I’ve now got an older man in church who wants me to be his side peice to the girlfriend he had been dating for 10 years but won’t marry.
The struggle is real
Princess, I feel you! I wrote another article on this site: The Struggle Is Real: How To Stay Celibate In Dating: https://aeshaonline.com/the-struggle-is-real-how-to-stay-celibate-while-dating/
Yes, Princess. This will help! https://aeshaonline.com/the-struggle-is-real-how-to-stay-celibate-while-dating/