By Eric Payne
Most of us know that it doesn’t take much to make a baby. But becoming a father is a process — a conscious decision one makes and sticks to for the long haul, for better and worse. Although it would be nice, you don’t have to have big muscles, be made of steel or be able to leap tall buildings or dodge bullets. You can be short, tall, skinny or fat. Being Dad means being protector, servant, administrator and caregiver. Sometimes, all at the same time. and knowing when is the best time to wear each or all of these hats. It is singularly one of the greatest and most meaningful experiences a man can have. But without a doubt it is the most challenging for those who put their heart and soul into it. It’s as easy as A, B, C, and as real and enjoyable as every letter down to Z.
As Dad”...
Always bring your A-Game when it comes to your kids. As soon as you get home, leave everything that’s wrong with the world at the front door. It’s showtime and you’re the main attraction, whether you realize it or not. All eyes are on you — even when you’re tired and really don’t feel like it.
Believe in your children even when they don’t believe in themselves. It will carry them and add surety to their steps.
Calm down and take a deep breath or even leave the house for a walk around the block if you should ever get so angry with your kids that you lose sight of yourself. And if you’re not able to do this on your own, make sure your wife can.
Dance with your kids until you’re drenched in sweat, until it hurts or until they don’t want to anymore. Families remember the music they make together for generations.
Experience the little things with your kids — a walk in the park, an impromptu game of catch, a visit from the tickle monster, sitting together in front of the window to watch the rain, drawing and coloring together. The opportunities are endless”...
Fear can be a great motivator. But make sure your kids fear the idea of upsetting you rather than the mere idea of you.
Give your kids the opportunity to speak and hear them out, even when they’re talking crazy (but of course within reason). Self-confidence has as one of its roots the belief that as a person has a right to an opinion and the right to voice it.
Help your children in any and every possible — when they ask and sometimes when they don’t. But make sure not to smother them or prevent them from doing something they should be doing themselves.
I is not the first letter in family and isn’t in father at all. Don’t lose who you are as an individual, but you can kiss your days as a fancy-free bachelor goodbye. Don’t dwell on it. Move on.
Jealousy directed at your children on any level has no place in parenting.
Kindness prudently distributed will foster more respect from your kids than roughness or any other fabled “manly” actions for the sake of showing who’s in charge.
Love your child with all your heart and soul. Love when it hurts, love even when you’re tired from loving. Let love be your strength. Understand that loving your child might mean doing and saying some things that will cause them to lash out against you in the short run. You’ll heal, but they’ll be scarred forever if you work against their best interests to be “friends.”
Mentor at home first before ever considering doing it in your community.
Look for the conclusion in Dad ““ As Easy As A, B, C: Part Two coming soon”...
Be well.
Follow Eric on Twitter, or you can find him on his Facebook Page, the companion to MakesMeWannaHoller.com, his blog on fatherhood and marriage. Check out his restaurant reviews and NYC tourism articles at NYMetropolista.com. He’s also a contributing writing for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
Eric,
Thanks for this article. Your description sets off one of my pet peeves: “Most of us know that it doesnt take much to make a baby. But becoming a father is a process …”
I have observed recently that the term “father” has become somewhat like a job description. As a church leader, I had the experience of meeting with a young man who was delinquent on his child support payments. He was a divorcee who had left his wife for another woman, and the second relationship was going bad. He came to the church leadership to ask for help to keep his first wife from pressing charges and possibly having him land in jail. His situation was pretty much a train wreck — all driven by really bad decisions on his part.
Throughout this, he kept saying that he didn’t want to go to jail because he didn’t want his children to think he was a “bad father.” He kept saying “I really want to be a ‘good father’ to my kids, but my ex-wife won’t let me see them.”
Young men like this brother seem to think that being a father is as easy as ABC. They can recite the father alphabet, but they don’t have a clue about how to love their children. That is probably because love had nothing to do with becoming a father for them. When we allow them to speak about being a father in the abstract, like a job description, all of us miss the point.
The union between a man and a woman creates a “family” — not a baby daddy and a baby momma. At least that is the way it should be. Many single parent homes don’t understand this point. Many promiscuous teens and young adults don’t understand this as they participate in recreational sex. There is no love left when the union creates a child. The child is an “unfortunate circumstance.” So, now we have to figure out how to be “good fathers” and “good mothers” separately. The prospect of a family built on love, and the union of the man and woman in that family producing a child that they both love is lost — perhaps forever.
I will continue to preach “family first” so that the child is born into a loving environment. Then — whether rich or poor, in sickness and health, the child grows up in a loving environment and understands what a good father and mother really are — two people who love me, no matter what.
Roger Madison
Amen Bro. Roger, I agree wholeheartedly, fathers are so needed today. I believe that we can trace the majority of current society “ills” to the breakdown of the family. But more importantly and impactful is the absence of male headship in the family. Keep encouraging young men to step up and care for their children who are leaders of tomorrow. My husband and I are trying our best to instill this value into our sons and daughter.
.-= JE´s last blog ..Young Love Aint Always Puppy Love =-.
What a great testament on what being a real father means!! Your insight was honest and refreshing. Hopefully, young men entering fatherhood will have an opportunity to learn this lesson, and learn it well. This was beautiful and I look forward to reading part two!
.-= Chocolate Mom´s last blog ..Poor Linky-Poo =-.
Eric -that was great…I love your comments for each letter of the alphabet. Regarding M – mentor at home first. That is so true, I have seen this first hand where people are in the community and churches, investing time…however, they are not really investing in their own kids.. They are good providers ..but are they really present in their lives???
I look forward to part two.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..Young Love Aint Always Puppy Love =-.
Great post! I am passing it on to all the dads I know – I love K-kindness – it so underated in our macho society! I love how gently my husband treats my son and how secure its makes him.
.-= Tiara´s last blog ..Boy… Oh, Boy =-.
very nice
I love this list.
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Jealousy directed at your children on any level has no place in parenting.
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Many parents can get jealous of a child because of the relationship they have with the other parent. “daddy’s little angel, mama’s boy”. No need for jealously some children just prefer one parent over the other, usually the parent with the less disapline. LOL. Some parents do get jealous of their own child because it takes away time from their mate/spouse.
This is awesome, E. Payne! I really loved all of them, but the “L” and the “M” stood out the most to me. Thank you for outlining fatherhood in such a unique way! Can’t wait for part 2!!!
Roger – agreed. But I hope you didn’t take this as a mere job description, which I don’t think you did. This was written from a place of love and commitment that I’m pretty certain couldn’t have existed without the presence of wife and family.
Everyone – stay tuned for part II, the conclusion.
.-= E.Payne´s last blog ..Falling Down On The Good Book =-.