HIS VIEW:
“Or do I have to settle” – Quick answer = NO. That’s exactly it you don’t have to settle. I was about to go into a long explanation on some things but you said it yourself at the end. You know you’re just settling and that this will turn into animosity at a later point when you get tired of taking care of a grown man. Now I don’t know what his tough times are, there are a lot of folks that recently lost jobs etc… but does he have goals, an ambition to work, etc…? Or is his job going to be just rubbing your feet when you get home and are you cool with that? As a man I couldn’t do it. Personally I’ve got to take on that provider role and even if I don’t make as much as you I’m out working and adding my two cents into the family.
In the long run don’t compromise for someone that will take away from the happiness of you and your children and don’t settle for someone else that you know you’ll be unhappy with down the line then kick yourself for it. Just wait, be patient and allow Mr. Right time to come into your life.
HER VIEW:
I agree with Lamar on not compromising. You also need to look at your list and decide if having a fancy car or certain job position is important enough to rule out a potential prospect. You already said before that you dated someone that had these things but they didn’t make you and the kids fully happy. Like you said, your new mate would be great if he were a hard worker. If he’s just not working because he’s not motivated what type of image is this setting for your kids. Since he is your BFF’s brohter, you should already know why he is not working. You should already know if he is taking care of the one kid you said he has.
You need to figure out what really are the most important things on your list (your requirements to be happy) and stick to them. Stay strong! The right man is out there.
BMWK family what are your thoughts on this? Help a BMWK family member out!
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Kemi says
I read your story. What I’ve learned is you have to be happy within yourself. A partner doesn’t make you ‘whole’, they enchance you more. And when you are whole and fulfilled, the material things do not matter. I have been in relationships where the man was ‘down on his luck’ and I played the rescuer, providing resources for him to get on his feet and being the cheerleader only to get my feelings hurt when he gets himself stable and moves on. Take it from me. The time and effort you are spending trying to find ‘Mr.Right On, use that time to make you happy. Men sense everything from desperation to if a woman is materialistic and he will treat you the way he sees you and the way you see yourself. LOL
Harriet says
I have a different concern beyond what your qualifications are in terms of your “IBM.”
It seems to me that you HAVE settled…many, many times. I can’t stress enough how damaging it is to the psyche of a person to have sex with a person whose level of commitment is casual at best.
This is not a judgement of your character, but I think your question is symptomatic of a larger issue that begs to be resolved–if not for your sake, then for the sake of your children.
When your children watch your relationships, what are they learning about how women should relate to men, and vice versa? Are they learning that they can get all these goodies if they give the “goodies” up? Are they learning that as soon as they get bored with the bedroom, then all bets are off in the relationship? Are they learning how to carry themselves with respect and honor, and how to employ patience in order to gain a more excellent, respectful, loving relationship?
What are you REALLY teaching your children about relationships based on the information you provided above?
Heck no, you don’t have to settle, but you’ve already established a pattern of doing just that. I don’t know which is worse…settling for having love, respect and honor, but no partnership financially, or settling for all the goodies, but having no respect.
Based on what was written, you’ve done both. It seems to me that the decision lies squarely with you to stop allowing your emotions and feelings to be the sole decision maker for you. They’re PIMPING you! Not the men, but your emotions and feelings.
It’s time out for all that. Let the Lord (if you have a relationship with Him) order your steps. At least employ some mental strength and think about all the “what ifs” before jumping into another relationship.
I meant none of this in a harsh manner. I just hate to see grown folks play themselves, though. Your question begged for an honest answer.
LaKeyshaF says
I think you should make it clear that the relationship will not move to deeper waters until he gets back on his feet.
As was said above…it DOES make a difference why he is going through hard times. Is it the current economy (just lost a job)…or is he one to say that there are just no jobs out there?…All the time you knew your BFF was he working/living on his own/taking care of his?
If you choose to take the relationship further then you must ask yourself how you would feel 10 years later and the situation is the same. Is that something that you can accept? If not…just give it some time.
If he’s worth the effort he will already be working on getting his situation straight so that he will have something to offer you.
But right now it sounds like he’s more in need of a supportive friend than a girlfriend.
Lamar says
I forgot to add that you should wait to see what his job situation turns into to if you’re not sure what type of character he has when it comes to this area. A lot of women make the mistake of rushing their emotions into the situation by falling madly in love, sleeping with a man and then letting him move in before they’ve thoroughly check the guy out. Take your time and all of your questions about him will be answered in one way or another.
Lamars last blog post..Dear BMWK, Im Confused and Need Advice
Tiya says
I agree with was said above, definitely find out, if you don’t already know, what his work habits have been and sit him down and ask him about his career goals and his dreams and what’s his plan to get them. If it doesn’t sound right or sound like he’s not motivated at all, then you have to do what you have to do. But, if he does have a plan and is working toward that, then I suggest being there for him as far as support and encouragement. If everything else is there as far as the respect and support he is giving you, it’s okay for you to show him that same support.
MissJay says
I agree with Tiya. Her post was pretty much exactly what I would have posted. Good luck to you. And if this one doesn’t work out, stay in prayer(even if it does work out).
Kemi says
I’d like you to get Steve Harvey’s book. It explains when you’re starting to date someone, you give them a 3 month probationary period, which means you get to know them, if they’re stable and don’t engage in s*x with them. This period allows you the opportunity to decide if he’s a keeper or if you should walk away. Second, the following questions should be asked right away if you’re dating, what are your short term goals?, what are your long term goals and where do I fit in them? and how do you feel about me? If those questions are answered and you don’t fit anywhere in the equation then it’s time to put up a flag. Third, if you’re dating for awhile and if in introductions he doesn’t refer to you as his lady, woman, girlfriend, wifey etc. etc., you aren’t and he doesn’t see that way. If you’re the one, a man will tell the next man you’re his woman so the next man will know not to approach you that way. I think you should wait at least until this new guy in your life is stable and has a job before you get really involved with him. A man must have 3 things before he gets involved with the ‘one’. He must know who is he, what he does (status) and how money he makes to provide, protect and support his family. Hope I didn’t get all preachy but I hate to hear about sistas getting their hearts broken over and over again. This book should have been around like yesterday. BMWK, I’m not endorsing Steve’s Harvey book on your website :). I just hope this advice helps! LOL
Anonymous says
think
Anonymous says
i think you have this twisted. why are you so determined to find a man? your kids need you to parent not try to find that perfect man for yourself. your time will come when they are not depending on you, so wait it out, focus on the kids and put the man thing on the back burner.
Anna says
Anonymous said:
i think you have this twisted. why are you so determined to find a man? your kids need you to parent not try to find that perfect man for yourself. your time will come when they are not depending on you, so wait it out, focus on the kids and put the man thing on the back burner
~~~~~~~~
I did not want to seem mean but this was also my thought.
I think that it has to be difficult to get to know a man if he does not have a J O B. The character of a man is evaluated by his work ethics. I don’t care where the man works but if he takes pride in his job and knowing that he put in a honest day of work for an honest days pay to me that = his character. It is nice to raise kids with a mate/spouse. Our choices/circumstances do make us “single parents”. We don’t have to seek and make it our mission to have a dad/mom in our kids lives for the children who are in ours, if we are only doing it for the sake of the kids who are only in our homes to raise for a brief “momemt”, don’t you get stuck with a mate that you can’t communicate with and divorce = an option. Just my Gibber Gabber. Is Gibber Jabber spelled with a “G or a J”? I did go to a public school. LOL.
Teanna says
I think the man you’re with has all the qualities that matter most. Sure money is important and mainly that he can provide for your family if it comes to that. There also is nothing wrong with standing by someone you care about during hard times. I don’t think you were very clear…. you said that he has no job, that he has no car and stays with his sister….but you didn’t say if he wants to work, is looking or just a bum. I think that can better help us to advise you.
Penny says
Love the Dad’s comment: “but does he have goals, an ambition to work, etc…? Or is his job going to be just rubbing your feet when you get home and are you cool with that? “. If all I need is someone to rub my feet, I’m good with the no job as long as he keeps the “no” theme. What is the “No” Theme? Glad you asked. You the man have no job, Me the woman have No sex, No money – loans gifts or promises, No borrowing my car, No spending nights on my couch or in my bed – rub my feet and keep it pushing (I may make an occasional meal in return for the foot rub, but even that’s not a guarantee and the No embargo remains in effect) and most importantly – drum roll please…..No discussions of “our future together” until you get your present together.