My wife and I have been together for about 11 years and she is getting worse, it went fromhaving sex a few times a week,to every 2 months, to 4 months and now she is at 6 months! I cannot take it, I love her deeply, I tell her daily yet whenever I get close to her she is not in the mood and blames it on the stress with work and life in general. We have arguments about it all the time because she says that it is always on my mind(how could it not be)I have tried being patient with her on numerous occasions and have lost my temper as well, I am soooo frustrated! Ladies out there, I need your help and advice, I love my wife dearly and want to show it but I am stopped all the time.
PS: The worst part is that she walks around the house nude every morning after coming out of the shower, how much more can I take.
The statement above was left as a comment on a recent post about The Importance of Sex In Your Marriage. This reader wants to get some advice from our female readers. Let him know what you think.
Ok, this is where you need to sit down and take a deep breath to relieve some of your stress. For one, have you asked her what kind of stress is she under in order for her to put off having sex with you 2, 4 and now 6 months? I’m in the corporate scene and it can be stressful, but not stressful enough to not have sex, it would most definately fuel the fires to have sex with my man or make love to him. Have you tried making things a little easier for her, like running her a hot bath, taking her to a get away spot for you two to relax and get closer? Now, that she is walking around naked in the morning after a shower, which is making you wonder if it’s something wrong. I pray that all is well between the two of you, but try to get closer without the arguments, and talk to her and ask her what is it that has her feeling this way. Sometimes couple lose their way when it comes to life itself and she feels like you should understand. Have you ever denied her sex when you were stressed out? Think back to that 2 month mark and ask yourself what changed in her life that triggered the absentee sex. Maybe she has lost her sex drive and don’t know how to handle it, maybe sex therapy is in order for her to get back on track…. Tell you one thing about the sex drive, rekindle the flames like it was before and think of creative ways in sensual foreplay(yes, I’ve been called a seducer), because I write, live and breathe love poetry. What is the one thing she really liked or loved for you to do for her that turned her on? Think about it!
Ask her if you can get a hooker. Or just pleasure your self in front of her.
Have you asked her directly why she has stopped having relations with you. Perhaps she is pre menopausal. Do you bring real intimacy or do you just get to the business of your own pleasure. After 11 years do you make making love special? Many times after all the years people just start taking things for granted, she’s your wife and you still need to woo a girl every now and them. Make a date for some place nice, TALK TO HER, not baddger her for sex. Perhaps the woman needs to feel loved and not as a sex object. Re-evaluate your marriage and really see if you are delivering on the promise you made when both decided to get married to one another. If you don’t get answers, then by all means you both or you by yourself need to seek qualified counseling. Best wishes!
First of all, let me say that I really pray that things get better. As a newly married woman I receive great pleasure from pleasing my husband intimately. However, sometimes honestly I have to focus intently on not letting emotional disappoints enter into that part of our relationship. I’m wondering if your wife is experiencing some major letdowns that maybe she feels in terms of the marriage or your behavior in other areas. It’s hard to want to please someone that has hurt or continues to let you down in some way. I’m sure she still loves you and wants to regain the intimacy, but may not be able to move past an emotional barrier. Ask her if she will agree to go with you to marriage counseling to make the marriage work better, not just to regain the romantic element. Again, I cherish black marriages and I pray that everything gets better and the marriage grows stronger.
I have to be careful about how I write this, because I hate to put suspicion in your head, but is there someone else out there? If not, is emotional adultery taking place? Has she connected her emotional bank account to someone or something else? When is the last time you actually put a deposit into her emotional bank account?
It seems the bottom line is that if you have done everything you can do as a husband and things still have not changed, then the problem is not with you, but with her. However, as a family, it is incumbent upon both of you to get to the root of the problem and stop dealing with the surface symptoms. Lack of sex is just a symptom of a bigger problem. You can’t have elephants all in your living room and act like they’re not there. Find out the root by just sitting down and talking. Go on a vacation where the two of you can be alone and talk. If that doesn’t work, try a couple’s retreat with your church. Try marital counseling…but try SOMETHING to get at what the larger issue for your wife is.
that should be against the law
I completely agree. It should be grounds for divorce now as it was in the past. All too often women these days wish that they married a woman instead of embracing the man they married. Come on women, we married men. Men will be men. Our grandmothers knew that they had to please their men. It was their duty, and men knew they had to please their wives. We must teach our daughters to respect themselves, expect love, but at the same time never let stress in life affect the important sexual bonding act between a husband and wife.
I honestly don’t know how some women can let their men go out into the world this way, but I’d guess she is feeling a huge amount of resentment toward you. The nudity is probably extra punishment. My suggestion is to wash the dishes every day for a week, vacuum and dust, buy her favorite what ever it is she likes and don’t bring up sex for a whole week. Also, take the kids out and let her have some alone time at home. Then later put on a movie like “Love Jones” or “the story of us.” She’ll probably fold.
If this doesn’t work put a tracker on the bottom of her car, she might be screwing around.
ROFL @ rawdawg!
@ Jewelry, amen to that, sis! I would NEVER allow my husband to go that long without laying it down. We both work on college campuses. You better believe I’m keeping the body tight and the loving right. Not that I think he would ever leave or cheat, but I’m not about to give him a reason to, either.
A few of the commenters seem to be directing you to alter or change your behavior as though you’ve been doing something wrong, like, not being romantic with your wife, or disappointing her in some other area. I don’t see anything in your question that might indicate that that’s the case, but that’s the problem. With the info you’ve provided, there’s no way to have enough info to make a reasonable recommendation, one way or the other. Having a date, or making attempts to make lovemaking special, or finding ways to relieve the stress your wife is feeling is pretty good policy on the regular, anyways. I get the feeling something else is going on, and you gotta get to the point where you can reasonbly get it out in the open with your wife without being resentful or accusatory or acting as though she’s taken away something of yours that she has no right to — but I gotta tell ya, you need to start off by accepting the strong possibility that she doesn’t wish to have sex with you anymore. Yeah, that would suck to have to hear, and worse to experience, but it’s a better starting point than where you are. Frustrated, and not really knowing why.
maybe there isn’t anything wrong, sometime when you are in a long marriage a woman just as well so as a man you get to the point when you just don’t want it for while and nothing is wrong, you just don’t want it.
Is there possibly a medical reason for why your wife is holding out on you? Maybe she is depressed and needs counseling. I agree with the others who have said that you could help around the house and take some of the stress off of her. Otherwise, you might consider counseling together. I must agree though, her walking around naked every morning is rather cruel.
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@ Mercedes: I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but your comment seems to be extremely selfish. Part of being married lies in meeting one another’s needs. Many men have a need to connect with their wife physically, just as many women have the need to engage in meaningful conversation with their husband.
There IS something wrong with a woman willfully making the choice to refuse to meet that need in her husband. Now, I’m not an advocate of the attitude that if she doesn’t give it to him, he has the legal right to get it somewhere else. However, it is something that needs to be discussed and rectified. A.S.A.P.
I think that sometimes when a woman works hard to contribute to the family and business there comes a point to where we need to be nurtured. As human beings, us women need to be taken care of as much as the bills need to be paid and the children fed.
When my husband and I lay on the couch watching T.V. and he holds me, I feel a connection with him that caters to that need. It’s not about romancing with an agenda, but finding ways to be intimate on an emotional level that will encourage a physical connection.
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Bull! We women need to put out and stop making excuses to withhold sex from our partners. I believe that the world would be a lot better if we women just put out more for our husbands. Like I said before, it’s our duty to our men and come on, girls, we want it, too!
I have been married for 20+ years and I have a similar problem … except that I am the wife. It is a case of one partner controlling the other by withholding the intimacy that is so important to the other. In my situation, after years of begging and pleading, I am leaving the marriage. Will I find someone who is a better fit for me? Maybe not. But I have decided that the sheer possibility that I might find someone who is a better fit for me is worth the risk. If your needs are not being met now, early in the marriage, I can assure you from my personal experience that the situation will not improve, and when you receive attention, it will be given begrudgingly and will not be satisfying. P.S. Dont assume that women always need flowers, soft music and mood lighting. Sometimes thats nice, but we also need the act, we need to be desired, and many of us in our forties possess more passion, sensuality, self-awareness and confidence than we had in our twenties. Also, for those of you with young children, take the initiative, arrange a babysitter and take your wife to a hotel.
I can say that I am wife and noting is more important than feeling desired. You should make foreplay moves all day not just in the bedroom. Also I am sure most men make the mistake of always expecting something. Don’t pressure her. I agree that you should clean-up the house, make dinner, do laundry. What ever she complains about just help her out. She is probably like most of us that work full-time and never gets to sit down until the kids go to bed. I don’t think you need to take her away for a weekend. Just show that you understand why she is stressed and help out on a continual basis. I think that once the house is taken care of, then she can take care of you. Also have you thought about buying her something nice for the bedroom. Well good luck. We are all rooting for you.
I agree that she probably has some amount a resentment building up in her. My suggestion would be to figure out what it is. If she says she’s stressed, then you should sit down with her and figure out what she needs you to do to relieve some of it. Helping around the house is a big plus. Going out of your way to do something nice for her is a plus. Getting close to her WITHOUT it being about sex (even if it really is) would be best in this situation. Women and men are different when it comes to being aroused. For women foreplay is do the dishes and put the kids in the bath and in the bed without having to ask you to do it. Then a back rub without it leading to sex leads to her wanting to be closer to you the next time. You have to reintroduce yourself to her sensual side. I know you’ve been waiting, so saying don’t rush it might seem absurd, but the reality is that you need to take your time. My prayers are with you.
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Wanted to add that some kind of sex/marital counseling needs to be in order…
Birdie Grays last blog post..Loves it!!!
Ha!
Everyone knows blacks don’t get married, they just sleep around with as many people as possible until they get AIDS.
dude said:
Ha!
Everyone knows blacks dont get married, they just sleep around with as many people as possible until they get AIDS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dude, jerk off. Having Hiv/Aids is not color blind nor income blind..\nor married or not. Buy a vowel and get a clue. stipid is as stupid does/dies.
For the rest of the real ppl who shared a comment in the room, There is nothing wrong with sitll having dates with your spouse. I came home for lunch today to find the dishes cleaned, the laundry being washed the steaks marinating for dinner and the trash can on the curb. Hubbys job has down sized him to not work on Fridays. He is a great house husband and for that even knowing my income is going to be needed more did not stop me from calling him on his cell phone (while in the same house) to say “get ready” I’ll be there”. Those who are holding out sex our either getting it elsewhere or just don’t want it from “you”.
Talk is cheap!! Telling your wife that you love her and showing her are two entirely different issues. Bearing the emotional needs and responsibility of family, and mate, add to that the stability of faith, homelife and career can create a serious pull on the most resilient woman. It sounds as if your relationship has reached a tipping point and something has got to go. It is sad to say, but if you allowed your relationship to fall into this pattern, my bet is that this has been developing for some time and she was taking as much as she could endure and out of obligation and sense of duty. Over time it was less and less and in other words, let’s just get it over with. Eleven years is a long time, please try to bring the romance back, remember what pleases her and get this turned around by correcting this imbalance and taking on more to show her 24-7 that you love and appreciate her.
I can’t even comprehend not having sex with my mate for months on end and there wasn’t some medical problem or a military deployment causing it. But I think you should seek out counseling with your wife or without her if she’s not interested or willing. Something is not right in the marriage and you need to be honest about that and then work to make it right or figure out what it is you need to do that will get you to where you need to be in order to be happy.
Let me get straight to the point: your wife is cheating on you! And if it ain’t with a man it’s with another woman. The reason why you don’t see it is because it’s someone right close to you that you would never suspect. If it’s a woman, it’s her best friend. If it’s a man, it’s your best friend or a family member, but either way, your wife is cheating on you. You know that, so quit acting like you don’t. Love don’t mean abuse and being naive. Quit tiptoeing through the tulips and wake up! Your wife is cheating on you. God bless.
ps: tough love, but real talk. you already know.
Maybe I will sing a different tune and can see where the wife is coming from after I say I do (I pray that happens one day) but now as a single celibate sista (x amt. of yrs and counting) if I had a husband I don’t know if I could go months w/o a GREAT reason. I pray she comes around and you get to the bottom of the situation at hand or separate/divorce before cheating. We are only hearing your side of the story not hers as well so we all have to keep that in mind.
I have been married for 36 years and the fire and romance is still there my advice would be a checkup with her doctor that will determine if everything is in order for as health after been married for 11 years there should still be the honeymoon sometime we forget to remind our mates just how beautiful they are and romance them leave some love notes get picture of your first dates and remind her of the good times and maybe you should take your q from walk around sometime undress also.
I’m going through a similar thing. I’ve been having a lot of stress over this past year and have been less intimate with my man than he’d like. I can only imagine how that stress would be compounded if I had kids, so I completely understand how your wife’s feeling.
I’m not subscribing to this “how could she let that happen?” kind of stuff. My suspicion is that those remarks are from women who aren’t in loving, stable, strong relationships. When you have a good man, it’s real easy to take him for granted. Especially when life’s ups and downs get to you. (and no, you don’t worry about him straying if you don’t “keep it tight” and all that silliness. A good man will stick around regardless. That’s why it’s called a loving relationship and not Spring Break – Freaknick style.)
I admit that I take my man for granted. But what can we do about our feelings? If we’re not in the mood, we’re not in the mood.
Therefore, my suggestion is this. Stop pressuring her. I know you don’t intend to pressure her, but your advances can be perceived that way. If she’s anything like me, she feels VERY GUILTY about not giving you what you need physically. Then it becomes a cycle. Woman doesn’t want sex – Man continues to pursue – woman feels guilty, thus doesn’t want to have sex…and on and on. So, break the cycle, remember that you’re not MAKING her feel guilty, that guilt is probably self-imposed (and I bet she knows it), but it’s there and it’s making the situation worse. So, leave her be for a while. Don’t touch her in a sexual manner for a few days. See how that works.
Be supportive, helpful around the house, thoughtful, loving and attentive, but don’t pressure her into sex.
Talk to her (there may be a medical issue as well, I wouldn’t rule that out), let her know how you’re feeling, and ask what you can do. Listen to her feelings and be the best man you can be. I notice that when my man is attentive, thoughtful, sweet, cooks dinner, cleans the house, shows me love affection and appreciation, that’s when I get turned on and want to connect with him intimately.
Relax. Remember that you love her, try to support her and help her identify what her needs are. She loves you, she’ll come around. She probably just needs time, and no pressure.
@helper, I think there is a lot of credence to the fact that it’s easy to take one another for granted in a marriage. Nevertheless, I also think it’s important to “keep it tight” and remain desirable to your mate.
This is where the balance in relationships is so important. My husband says he loves me just the way I am. But if I don’t find myself attractive because I’m not in the shape I used to be after having children, or if I’m just tired from working all day, that makes it hard for me to want to be intimate.
So, yes, I keep it tight, not only for myself, but for my husband as well. Yes, I act like I’m a college student on spring break and at freaknik with my husband. I abstained from all that when I was single, so now that I’m married, I have the legal, spiritual and emotional license to get down like that.
Sex is not everything in a relationship, but it plays an important role of not only procreation and communication, but recreation as well. From my feminine standpoint, if I can’t unwrap the gift of Christian, married sex and all it entails, then all is not lost, but there are aspects that I waited for before I got married that I would be disappointed if I couldn’t enjoy.
Harriet,
I agree with you. I was just trying to highlight that it is a bit silly to suggest that any flaw at all is a reason to fear your man might leave.
You’re right though. I actually think keeping yourself together is more a courtesy than a requirement. We all have to understand that we’re human and we want our mates to be attractive, so we all have a bit of a responsibility to try to keep ourselves attractive. (Not to mention, as you said, the psychological, emotional and health advantages of a healthy work-out regime.) 🙂
I agree 100% that sex is an important part of a relationship.
helper,
LOL! I think we both said the same thing in different ways (how many times has that happened in YOUR marriage?).
Love isn’t truly love if a mate would leave over something so frivolous, not to mention if they DO leave, that means they got up in front of all those people at the wedding, and when the vows were read and they said “I do,” they LIED. LOL
And I agree with you that keeping yourself together is a courtesy, not a requirement. My husband appreciates it, but it’s a requirement for me, otherwise I’d be hell to live with if I didn’t have workout regiment to release tension that should not be brought into the home.
God bless!
I am his wife (metaphorically speaking). I love sex and think that sex is important in a marriage. Yet, I do not have regular sex with my husband; am “tired” or “stressed” on a regular basis. Why? Because he is not playing his position. He is not handling is business with respect to the family or the marriage partnership. He ignores me unless he wants something. And he does not appreciate all that I do. He is so focus on his needs, including sex, that he ignores mine. And all of those things are turn-offs.
So forget about trying to make your wife have sex with you. Your constant focus on sex makes sex feel like an obligation (work!), not a desire. Make your wife desire you. Show your wife that you are the man and the husband and the father by handling your (and the family’s) business, recognizing that she is handling her (and the family’s) business. Listen to her with no strings attached. Surprise her with tickets to a concert or something the SHE would like. Be her friend and her lover. Make her feel safe and loved and appreciated with the things that matter and she will be initiating sex. Guaranteed.
I know I keep coming back and responding to others, but I feel so strongly about this issue that it warrants discussion (IMHO).
The only person’s behavior I can control is my own in ANY relationship. To attempt to control another’s behavior through witholding “services,” or refusing to do YOUR part is manipulation.
Not doing your part is not going to convince him to do his part. All that will do is continue to justify in his mind why he’s OK playing the emotinally absentee role. By me playing my role well effectively removes any excuse he has to be a scrub.
I hate to harp on the cliche that two wrongs don’t make a right, but it begs to be said based on Rika’s response. There is no justification for that. Just because my husband may act like a ring bearer instead of a man at times, that doesn’t give me the right to act like the flower girl instead of the wife.
SOMEONE has to take the high ground and put an end to the vicious cycle that is seeking to draw more and more couples apart. Then the next thing you know, more paperwork with “irreconcilable differences” is going into judges’ chambers.
Harriet, I agree that two wrongs don’t make a right. I also agree that withholding creates a vicious cycle. However, a marriage takes 2 committed people to work well. If the wife continues to do everything she is supposed to do, including sex, and the husband continues to not do his part, at what point does she become a fool for giving 100% to someone who is giving her 50%. What is the husband’s incentive to give 100% (since marriage and commitment are apparently not enough)? Relationships include negotiation and compromise. My husband wants sex, I want him to be more responsible. We both should get what we want.
Divorcing should be the last resort; becoming an unhappy martyr (or a blow-up doll) for the sake of being “married” should also be a last resort.
Watch out ladies, there seem to be a lot of assumptions that he’s not doing something right? What if he already does all of the dishes, cleans the house, cooks the meals etc… Take that into consideration. Don’t be too quick to jump to the conclusion that he must be doing something wrong. And even if that were the case she still has a responsibility to communicate that. It seems to me that he doesn’t know why she’s holding out and that is as much of the problem as holding out itself.
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Rika, you make a good point. Sex shouldn’t be a chore, and laying down just to be a “blow up doll” (ick) shouldn’t be taking place, either.
I have seen both ends of the spectrum (and I’ve only been married 4 years). With both counseling and following through on our spoken agreement, we went from a horrible sex life (it was just a chore to me for a few months, but I did it anyway) to a quite lively one.
But it’s all about keeping the lines of communication open.
TheDad, I agree, as stated in my first two posts. If he has done everything he can, then the problem is not his, but hers. My husband (Patrick) came with the straight up assertion that someone (or something) else is out there.
Whether there is or isn’t remains to be seen. What is PAINFULLY obvious is that there has been a break down of communication in this marriage, and that needs to be resolved before it gets to the point of no return.
What is the matter with you women holding out, and even you men, yes it is just not women holding out the men are doing the samething. Whatever disagreement you may be having get over it, and don’t hold out. I was married to this man, and he held out on me, now I am involve with another man since divorced, and he’s doing the samething. It makes me sick, look if I get tired of this crap, and find someone else then I would be called a whore. We are not children, so ladies, and men get up off of that stuff, so we all can feel better. After all it was God who saw Adam’s pain, and he created Eve so that he wouldn’t be lonely, and we are down here holding out and playing games. And if my so call man decides to read this hey if you don’t start rocking your chair, then someone else is going to rock it. I dont have the time or patience to be dealing with the crap that you are giving me. Give me what I need you don’t have to speak to me just give me what is suposed to be given to me, and as you ladies grow up and take care of your husband’s need if you don’t someone else will start taking care of his needs, it’s just simple as that. Grow up, and give it up.
In response to JJSherman, I feel your pain (see earlier post). My experience has led me to believe that the partner that withholds sex without a medical or depression-related reason is showing their contempt for their spouse in a way that creates pain for them both and destroys the relationship. Neediness and desperation are not appealing or sexy, so just stop begging. Immediately. Get a hobby. Do something with your mind. Even if your spouse comes around, you still need to figure out why s/he resents you, and what you are getting out of playing the role of the victim. Then figure out how you want to live the rest of your life and make that happen.
all I can say is have a sit down with her , or maybe seek some type of therapy . I suggest you explore all options to save your marriage if it means that much to you , 11 years is a long time . Im not walking in your shoes so I cant feel what you feel but just hold on .
PLEASE!!! Let’s keep it real ladies! If there’s not a medical issue of some kind hindering the libido, there’s someone else. YES! I WENT THERE!!! She may not be sleeping with this person…YET! But just as someone stated earlier, her emotional bank is being tapped by someone else. People always talk about how women know when their man is cheating. You can feel it. You knew in the back of your mind, etc, etc. Well, does she fit the bill! You already know! But just like us women, you just need some outside confirmation. I pray that your relationship gets better. Even if she is stepping out, that’s not a marital death sentence. Proper communication is the key.
As someone who has been the possible victim of the emotional affair, I think I may have to concur. I know in the past sex had been an issue with my ex; which I found funny cause I don’t need it as often as most men do. So she could not plausibly say I was just being a horn dog. But in the last 6 months it became a struggle and a struggle to try and connect even emotionally. I believe you need to find out the reason not so much to see if she’s stepped out so to speak, but because if she has opened that door to someone, you can’t connect with her. She won’t let you. I know in my situation that is what happened, or rather one of the things that happened. And I’ve just realized that this week. That I tried to reestablish the emotional connection, but all efforts were being rebuffed, even as she complained about a lack of emotional intimacy.
To walk around naked in front of you. I know my ex admitted to doing that to me at one point to punish me. She was mad about whatever, so you need recall if there is something that she is resentful or mad about. And no, I didn’t say it had to be a good reason. It probably isn’t, but perception is reality sometimes.
Ok, I got it! We’ve been here more times than I can count. But this works: In the morning before the day starts or any time really, offer her a full body massage. The only rule is that both parties should be completely naked. Make sure bodies are touching every now and then. She’ll get in the mood. Relaxing erotocism I tell ya! And don’t rush! You have to rub all the stress away and completely relax her. Oh, also, message her head too. Before and during…ya know. Mess that hair up! And during…ya know, continue to massage her while she’s in your arms. Shoulders, back, thighs, anything you can reach. Action drives action!
Hint: While massaging my head my husband pulled on my hair slightly. That let me know that he was enjoying everything which intensified it for me.
I know I’m late but I hope that helps. 🙂
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Its very simple. Substitute her. Im not saying cheat with another woman. Im saying find other methods of pleasing yourself. Be the best husband you can be. Give her all she needs. Hold her, kiss her, be sweet, kind, thoughtful, romantic, and cuddle with her till she cant take it no more. But no longer give it to her until she is begging for it. Dont give it to her unless she asks. Remember bothers that you are the prize. There is a limited amount of good black men out there so she should feel lucky to have you. There is no way you should be begging her. It should be the other way around.
My wife is not my first option to my sexually pleasure. When ever we have sex, her body is practically screaming for it. Your goal is to be so playa and romantic and have so much swagger that she finds you irresistible. Be smooth fellas. Youre the prize.
this is a disaster.
You need to understand her and have patience! Maybe she’s really having trouble dealing with her stress from work. Try doing relaxing stuff to her to ease her stress (like giving her massage or whatsoever). Remember, every time you want to make love with her, the presence of romance is very important. It may be better if you take things slow.nu00a0