Dear BMWK,
I need some advice. I am a single brother with 3 grown children (none live with me), ages 25, 21 and 20, one grandchild, and a great job and live by myself due to a out of town contract. I have always been interdependent and/or independent and have taken care of my family. I have been divorced for 7 years from the mother of our children after 16 years of marriage. I have been dating now for about 8 years. My BMW (Black Magic Women) is one with grace, kindness, integrity, and common courtesy. She is a woman of her word, socially conscious, and spiritually sensitive. She has goals, a job, a hobbies, a car, and her priorities in order. She must have some kind of future plans other than a job promotion, and must have had or has a good relationship with her dad and her mom!! She must be gracious and have more dignity than just pride in the way she expresses herself. She must be sensitive to my needs, be patient and understanding. Now, of course, I would reciprocate all these things and more to my woman and would not want any less given back.
This is my dilemma. I have dated women with homes, cars, hot looks and the money. But they fall short of having more honor and respect (in that order…loll) for me – outside the bedroom, or when I’m buying them something or taking them on exciting trips. Then, when I bring up my feelings about life – the purpose, social concerns, or moving forward in our journey in life in a holistic way, they say things like, “It don’t take all of that,” or “What more do you want brother?” or worst..”You think you are better than me”.
Now, I do also date women with children. I have met many single mothers. Their personalities were good and they could offer me a cozy, Bill Cosby-like family life…loll. But the honor and respect to allow me to be me was not there, and I felt my happiness would have been compromised.
Eventually, I met and began dating a BSPF. We began to talk and I have gotten to know her children (all 5 of them; from 17 to 7 years old, 2 teenagers {BOY & GIRL} and 3 younger boys.) They love her deeply. The children get along pretty well, at times”...loll, especially with the trauma and drama they have had to endure in their life. This was due to their verbally and physically abusive absent father/husband. No problem there, (I came up with no father, so I can somewhat “feel” them”...smile). Our chemistry is great; our conversation is ok. I moved in with her from my apartment to help her and her children out (she has always had a good job, but it wasn’t enough to meet the family budget.) Also, because we just wanted to be together…loll. She was a great help to me, as well, when I was in-between computer contract jobs while living there with her. So, I gave her my car and some of my furniture through that period”...cause I had too much materialistic stuff anyway”...and I can always get them again…loll. Plus, with that many children”...another set of wheels and furniture wouldn’t hurt”...smile.
Her children show me respect, most of the time…and it is great. She listens. She is attentive to most of my needs and I love her. She cooks for me. Helps me keep track of my children’s birthdays, and reminds me to call my mom, too. She and her children love to travel with me…and I take them many places. She tries to see that all of my needs are met. Dilemma. She is “married” to her church, and is overly protective at times with her children. Her only real goal is to get that elusive job promotion for more money. She doesn’t pursue any real hobbies or any other dreams. She wants to be with me and I want to be with her. But, I don’t want to step back into the same drought of being with a woman with only one real purpose, and no social or holistic goals for her life. Her children like me because of what I buy and the places I take them. And of course, they like what I do, and how I make their mom feel. But, they don’t love me. They are still, deep inside, waiting for that “dead beat” father to come back and “Save” them. I question if we could have a real fulfilled future with them and if we could ever be “grafted” together. I don’t like feeling like I am just the “stand-by father””.... I felt and still feel that way for 16 years with most of my natural children (but that’s another story.)
But, at the end of the day, she offers me most of her in ways I could only imagine, and I feel that when I am with her she keeps hope in me. She gives me hope that maybe she can be that ideal women”...one day”...the complete package inside as well as outside. I want a woman that has a nice car and a job, goals and a social and spiritual consciousness – one that could exist with me in an interdependent and interconnected way. But what I find is that the women that have come into my life are more concerned with what I can do for them (and their children), than who I really am…my essence, my spirit. And at the end of the day, I feel more LIKE an image of THE MAN”... and not a unique individual that is a man.
Is there a woman out there that has all the qualities that I desire that can love me for just being me and not so much for what I can do for them? Or do I have to settle for this women who I love and continue as if this is as good as it gets, and possibly have animosity about it later?
HIS VIEW:
This one is a little tougher than last weeks although it has some similarities. I hate to hear someone say that they have to settle for someone and to think they may be unhappy with their choice down the line. If that’s the case then you definitely should really think about your future with this woman especially since she has children and the actions that the both of you take affect them as well as the two of you. But unlike last week this woman seems like she has a lot going on for herself and some of the things that you named to me seem like they may just be a byproduct of her being a single mother to five children. Since the two of you aren’t married I can’t fault her on being focused on getting that next promotion or being overly protective because the reality of it is you could roll out tomorrow and she’ll still have 5 kids to take care of. (I always tell people living together is not the same as being married for exactly that reason).
In your letter you didn’t say how long you’ve been together but over time some of this may change if she thinks you’re definitely in it for the long haul and as her protective wall starts to come down. As for the kids that is just how they roll especially if they are older. As a stepdad myself I realize no matter how poor a kids biological father is they still hold a spot for them but that shouldn’t stop you from being who you are. And buying things for kids is overrated, I had a single parent mother and whenever someone did that for me I thought they were a joker for trying to buy me over. To wrap it up I think some of the things you’re talking about just take time in the situation that you’re in. How important to you are these things on your list that you say she’s missing? Don’t settle by any means but also don’t forget that you never miss a good thing till it’s gone.
HER VIEW:
I agree with Lamar and since the post and his comment were long I won’t add much but I think you just have to really assess your list and compare it against your woman and ask yourself how important are the remaining things on your list that she doesn’t have. Are they deal breakers? Will she change in any regard as your relationship develops.
Mom of 3 says
I can understand where your “BSPF” is coming from with being over protective of her children at times. She probably feels that her children have been hurt by their biological father so much that she has to protect them from everyone and everything else. Over time, that might change. Also, I understand the poster wanting his mate to have her own hobbies, however, a lot of women get lost in their kids. With 5 kids, I’m sure it is hard for her to focus on herself and what she likes to do. At this point, I am falling victim to that as I have 3 kids (1 set of toddler twins) and it is hard for me to do things just for me or to have hobbies that I can do on a regular basis. I agree with Lamar’s response, the poster needs to compare his list to his relationship and determine if the things he doesn’t see in his woman are things that he can sacrifice. If they aren’t, move on.
rawdawgbuffalo says
i refrain from givig advice – even as a practicing couseling psy. we let folks solve their own problems – such is dangerous
rawdawgbuffalos last blog post..only thing worse than a recession
DJ Ed Nice says
This is a deep concept… I’m dealing with my own situation similar to this, so I’ll refrain from comment…
DJ Ed Nices last blog post..Happy Birthday DJ Ed-Nice
Lisa L. says
Time will tell if she is the woman for you. However, why don’t you try dating a woman with less children or older children.
MissJay says
I think Lamar’s response was great. I identify with the part about guys buying their gf’s children things. In my experience it all depended on who was giving me the gifts. Some were cool. Others I was able to see right through it.
simply beautiful says
Dear Brother,
What a position you’re in! And to complicate it all with her 5 children. You mentioned something very intriguing to me..she is ‘married’ to her church. Mmmm. I happen to be a church-girl and I have a little insight for you. If she’s like I think–church is her hobby, her social network, her outlet for life’s stressors. She thinks she doesn’t need anything else. Not true. We all need social networks and to be healthy, those networks need to vary–not just home, church, work, church, home…Talk to her first. What other interests does she have. Perhaps she’s unsure about stepping outside of what she already has going on to venture into something new. After talking with her, then you need to evaluate. You sound so unsure about this relationship. I suggest you step back and take a look at what you want vs. what you have. Weigh carefully now…you have 5 children in the mix. And if you’ve never tried it before..you may want to take a page from the ‘church girls’ book–Pray about it.
Wait for an answer… and act accordingly.
simply beautifuls last blog post..Stepping Out on Faith
kmh20s says
i’m not downing the letter writer, but it may be time for him to move on.
unless he’s willing to put out some serious cash or other assistance, a woman with five kids who is active in church and working towards a promotion is not going to suddenly develop “hobbies”. oh wait, she does have a hobby and it’s church. what’s wrong with that? when i look at my church i see opportunities to travel, participate in sports, do community service, learn computers, etc.
this woman DOES have a dream and she is working towards it. Her dream/goal is to provide a solid foundation (spiritually and financially) for her children. Maybe her dreams and goals aren’t “glamorous”, but they are social and holistic. do her and yourself a favor and either appreciate this woman or let her find a man who does.
as for the kids, you will never be their dad. kids are smart, they get the fact that in some ways you are looking down on their mother and what’s she doing, while you are living in her house!
MDUBB says
Wow I didn’t know church was a hobby for some folks. Actually now that I think about it, I’ve known many people like this.
Either way I’d say that there is a whole lot going on with her and the fact your keenly aware of it, means you have doubts where you’ll fit in with all that so…..I don’t know, as other have stated earlier I’m also dealing with someone right now who has a lot on her plate too.
MDUBBs last blog post..Chopsticks Only
KeKeD says
Sounds like every one hear sees this as a not easy answer thang. And all parties involved are in a potential situation for some hearts to be hurt. But, kmh20s..seems to be slamming this brother..who had the courage to even write and send this!! First, it sounds like one of those, “its about what he can do for me” persons. Especaily cause it was said, “unless hes willing to put out some serious cash or other assistance”..lol. Yet, the brother said he had given his car and his furniture to her..dammm.. As for the church thang, I thought church was about learning how to love folks outside of the church as well..so that maybe the may what to become part of it. Maybe she makes him feel that church is more important them him. And that remark about him “looking down on their mother and whats she doing, while you are living in her house”. That was cold..he said he also came from out of a single parent home and doesnt even life with the sistah NOW!!
I hear some hating going on..”or worst..â€You think you are better than me brotherâ€..thang..lol. All I can say is, it’s not checkers in this game..its more like chess. And the Truth Is…Everyone’s Gonna Hurt You…You Just Have To Decide Who’s Worth The Pain! SO, I say..Brother is she and her children worth the pain?
kmh20s says
KeKeD
I am not hating at all. When I said the brother needs to “put out some cash or assistance” to facilitate his woman’s participation in hobbies what I meant is that hobbies are expensive and with 5 kids, I’m sure money is tight. Most people I know spend a lot of money on their hobbies (golf, travel, playing in a garage band) and it’s the hobby that is the first thing to go when money or time get tight.
The letter writer does live with this woman, he said he moved in with her to provide assistance and because she wanted them to be together. I still maintain that his attitude was one of she doesn’t HAVE dreams/goals as opposed to her her dreams/goals ARE DIFFERENT than mine.
At no point did I convey an attitude of hating or “brother I am better than you” because I have BEEN the letter writer. I have looked at a good decent solid family man and said “I’m sorry I want some thing different”. However, it was the best thing to do because eventually the letter writer will wish that he was living a different life.
Anonymous says
no matter how you look at this you will be step whatever to these kids. there is no way you can compete even to a dead beat dad that is just the way it is. be their friend that does not mean you have to buy them things or take them places but you do have to respect them. if i was a kid and you were doing those things i would like you too. you sound like a great guy and you deserve all that you desire but you do not sound like you are that young and with a list that long i pray you can fulfill your dream.