Ever notice how much we are willing to sacrifice in certain areas of our lives and not as much in others? On our jobs for instance, we are quickly able to curb the desire to let a co-worker have it when we have been wronged; or to tell a boss exactly where and how to shove it. Because the result of surrendering to our urges at work is so great (we lose our job), we normally take the necessary precaution and bite our tongue. However, in most of our relationships we aren’t as willing.
Building and maintaining a healthy marriage is about sacrifice. It’s about denying yourself at times for the good of the marriage. Denying yourself does not imply you won’t get your piece of happiness. It does mean that your sacrifice right now will lead to a lasting happiness later on for you and your spouse.
A few of the selfish desires that should be denied in order to protect your marriage include the following:
The need for revenge. Some of us frequently feel the need to get even. Times when our feelings have been hurt and our emotions are raging our initial thought is it was done on purpose. The best questions to ask during those moments are “Do I really think my spouse intended to hurt me? What is the best positive response I could have to resolve this situation?” Once those questions are answered, you will be clear on how to move forward.
The need to shut down. By not communicating effectively you miss the opportunity to share and receive information that could benefit your marriage. Even during those angry moments, allowing your spouse a chance to “fix it” is great for both of you. Why choose to dwell in anger if the situation can easily be resolved?
The need to withhold sex. Ladies, this one is for you. I have been guilty as well of withholding sex when I have been upset or feel like my husband wasn’t as helpful around the house as he could have been. The reality is sex is beneficial to both partners. When you use it against your spouse you are missing the chance for intimacy, the health benefits, the stress relief and the overall pleasure.
The need to take your bad day out on your spouse. Just because you weren’t able to release your anger into the world doesn’t mean your spouse deserves it or has to take it. Always put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Treat them as you would want to be treated.
The need to get attention from someone other than your spouse. We all know where this leads, so why even go there. If you are feeling a little neglected, share that with your spouse. You might be surprised how quickly they take action to make you feel good. At least give them the opportunity.
There are always steps we can take to ensure the health of our marriages. One of the biggest is not allowing ourselves to give in to what we want to do, but do what we know we should do.
We must be willing to suppress those selfish desires more often.
BMWK, what parts of yourself can you admit you have to deny in order to keep peace in your marriage?
Anthony from CharismaticKid says
This is an AMAZING post. I’m going to save this in my google bookmarks as at times even I forget what makes a good relationship work. Maybe I’ll send it to my girlfriend too! 😉
FirstladyShonda says
So true! These are excellent examples! Alot of these happen on a day to day basis in marriages around the world.
Kf21207 says
So great! Thanks so much for speaking the truth!
Jenae says
Great advice!
lynne says
This goes hand and hand with “not sweating the small stuff” When you sweat the small stuff, then you tend to act out in the ways above.
Not worth it people, Time and life is way to short….
Ed says
This is so much the truth!!!
Tiya says
Thank you!
FirstladyShonda says
I always tell people to deny satan’s access! He will sneak up and next thing you know something small will be something big, and it didn’t have to go there.
Tiya says
Exactly!!!
FirstladyShonda says
I always tell people to deny satan’s access! He will sneak up and next thing you know something small will be something big, and it didn’t have to go there.
Reginald Williams says
Tiya, all that you named is what mature people with a mature marriage do. Great post!!!
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Tiya says
Thanks Reginald!
Toya Msswagg Johnson says
These things were all great but the key is they have to be balanced, there were 2 that i could not fully agree with. The need to shut down and the need to withhold sex. 1. the need to shut down is good at times, it gives the person the space they need to deal with the situation ie…an adult time out….for some people this shut down is needed in order to save people from saying or doing things that will further damage the relationship. 2. The need to withhold sex in some cases is needed and fully understanding…like the cheating spouse, and this once again goes to personal space, trust plays a big part of this particular action, and for the woman i know that use this “tactic”, it more on the emotional side,Would you have sex with someone your not happy with and be able to enjoy it? the only people i know who do that are people who are paid to have sex. so while people say dont sweat the small stuff, its the same stuff that makes a difference. otherwise great article
Tiya says
Thanks Toya, great comment. What was meant by shut down, was completely shut down, meaning not communicating. It’s understable when we are angry needing a moment to pull it back together, that’s fine. I just recommend that you communicate that to your spouse. Expressing that you are angry, being specific as to what you are angry about is effective communication in my opinion. Shutting down and the spouse has no clue why is not. Witholding sex normally falls under that lack of communication umbrella as well. Often times we are witholding because we are upset, tired or frustrated and we haven’t shared any of that with our spouse. All they know is they aren’t getting any and they are really left to come up with their own reason as to why not. And that can lead down a whole different road.