By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
During this past Sunday’s sermon, my Pastor shared a story regarding a conversation had with a single woman about marriage. After being asked about being married this single woman admitted she was not ready to become a wife, revealing her dire need for a makeover. Not a physical makeover, but a life makeover. In hearing this story, I was most impressed by her honesty. Although her desires may be to get married, she knows she is not necessarily ready to completely contribute to a healthy marriage.
When my husband asked me to marry him, I have to admit, my first thoughts were not focused on the type of wife I would be. The wedding gown, guests and reception all consumed my thoughts. It may have stemmed from my being younger, but I don’t think I would have considered what I would bring to a marriage. And I wonder how many of us really do. I know I felt back then, that the dating relationship was going well enough, so a marriage would be the same, right? Did I really have to do or be anything different than I was when I was just a girlfriend? Knowing what I know now, the answer is very much yes.
Of course the best foundation for any marriage is to be prepared. I have been married almost 13 years, and while our marriage is now at a great place, it could have really benefited in the beginning from a little preparation. Something I would have done a little differently, before the marriage, would have been to have conversations with those in healthy marriages. Hearing from a committed wife on what it takes to run a household, raise children and tend to a husband would have saved me some blood, sweat and tears in trying to figure it out on my own.
Another thing I would have done is prayed more. Praying over our marriage and allowing God to be the head of our union sooner, would have prevented us both from letting our own selfish desires rule. And last but not least, I would have taken a personal inventory. By acknowledging the personal changes I needed to make and looking into the ways I needed to grow would have given me the opportunity to put the needs of my spouse first. It would have prevented me from bringing my “bad stuff” into my marriage.
For some, preparing for a marriage may just include working on self or getting that life makeover before they commit to that other person. Instead of just focusing on the wedding, realizing what really makes a marriage successful is the key. With anything great, there must be preparation. Asking ourselves honest questions like what will it take to be a good wife for my husband or a good husband to my wife has to come well before we say “I Do.”
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
am says
I think the most important preparation there is, is of a spiritual nature – so praying, reading the word and working on your relationship with God – so that you can be the best person. I also believe and know God is faithful and rewards faithfulness which translates in to ongoing preparation for what he has in store for you. To a certain extent you can prepare yourself for marriage, but more importantly if God has led you to this stage of life, you can make that leap of faith with God guiding you.
I was prepared for marriage, because God prepared me. I observed and talked to older married couples, but honestly at that point much of it didnt resonate with me.
I think worldly preparation helps – so that you know what to anticipate, so we also went to counselling. Marriage is the commitment to God and to each other to do life together. Life isnt perfect, so you’re going to have ups and downs and I think people believe that if they prepare, the downs will be minimized – that’s not true. What is true is if you’re commitment is strong, you figure out how to deal with the downs together so that you both are stronger for it.
As someone who is longtime married and quite happy with it – I think more so – people need to take a leap of faith if God has led you to the right person. The only way you will know this is by nurturing your vertical relationship.
Tiya says
I agree. The downs won’t be minimized if you prepare for marriage, they will just be easier to go through.
Reggie Williams says
I surly didn’t; really had no clue of what I was saying “I do” to. I easily estimate that 4.5 out of every 5 marriage couples don’t.
It’s no different than people signing up for a social media medium – when they arrive at the “Agreement to Terms” most folks just check it off agree w/o reading or truly understanding the terms of agreement. This is done b/c of the rush to get at what they believe they agreed to.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Tiya says
Great analogy Reggie! It is just like that.
Anonymous says
Very true. Many people don’t prepare for the marriage. This is why, if nothing else, marital counseling is key (and hopefully it is good counseling). I won’t re-state what was previously said, but I agree with the sentiments above.
Pam says
The best thing about all of this is that it is never too late for a “makeover”!! I don’t think any of us that got married in our twenties really had any idea what we were getting into or if we were really “ready”. But if you married for love and no other reason then that’s half the battle won already. I agree with letting God lead the relationship but even after 20 something years of marriage that is still a challenge (although not as much) at times. But it is good to hear that some younger women are asking the hard questions before hand now and taking a serious inventory of themselves. Hopefully the men will fall in and start doing the same. I hate to see or hear about divorces. And most, in my opinion ,do happen as a result of selfishness on the part of one or both partners.
Trisha says
Love this article.
Terri says
I agree with Reggie and Diamond. I am looking forward to my second marriage the 1st lasted 18yrs and then we happened we moved out of the will of GOD. I have learned so much about myself and my flaws this time alone has allowed me to prepare myself for my Prince. My attitude first which is lining up with the word of GOD… but men really are easy to deal with if we just nurture love and feed them they are content and will love you without limits. I have came close 3 times in 2yrs to a new marriage but If I cant love you and except you for who you are flaws and all then I am not doing you any justice. So I pulled out.. I think people are getting engaged to quick before what I feel is needed and thats Relationship Counseling first…. then Marriage Counseling I only say that because if you can’t have a healthy relationship how do you expect to have a healthy Godly marriage..
Peace & Blessings
Guest says
Preparation for marriage is not just the woman’s responsibility. I was thinking of getting married, but realized the man I was going to marry had not prepared himself for life, let alone marriage. He was without a job, a car, and had lived with his mother for 25 years, and he was 52. He was not interested in getting a college degree, or much of anything else except moving out of one woman’s home into another. I am not desparate for marriage (at least not that desparate). I told him he had a year to pull something of a life together, I left him after nine months. I grew weary of stepping over him to get to the things I needed to do.