A couple weeks ago, my husband and I took our two kids to Borders to try to hit get some books for cheap(er) during its going out-of–business sale. It was pandemonium””people everywhere, snatching up books, leaving some shelves empty.
I headed toward the cookbooks with my 4-year-old daughter behind me, and I thought my 3-year-old son was sticking behind with his dad. A couple minutes later, we go looking for the guys.
“Hey, I see Thomas!” my daughter said, tugging my arm and pointing away from where we were heading. I turn and see one of the store employees holding my son. His cheeks were red and wet with tears. “It’s okay; we’ll find your mommy,” she said to him, rubbing his back.
I ran up to her and grabbed him. “Thank you,” I said, making a beeline to my husband, who didn’t even know our son had been wandering around the store aimlessly by himself.
Once I told my husband what happened (we both assumed he was with the other parent), he wiped the tears from my son’s face, hugged him for a minute to make sure he was okay, and then went back to browsing the shelves.
I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck the rest of the day. I had concluded that it was my fault; I hadn’t been watching him carefully enough. I couldn’t sleep that night and was still a little shaky the next day thinking about what could have happened and how lucky we were that we found him quickly and without incident.
It got me to thinking about the differences between moms and dads in how we approach this parenting business. For my husband, once the kid was okay, the world could resume and we go about our day. But for me, every little parenting misstep has to be analyzed to minimize the chances of it happening again. While I’m not in my husband’s brain and don’t know exactly what he was thinking, I feel like my husband doesn’t take incidents personally. He does the best he can and lets the rest fall by the wayside. I often wish I could be more like him. It would make parenthood much less stressful!
It is times like these that I am glad we are in this as a team, working to complement each other and form a cohesive unit. He keeps me from getting too wound up, I help him bring out his emotional side. It works.
Are there any major differences in how you and your spouse parent?
I think we’re similar to what you described above and I probably would have reacted like your husband. It was a mistake by way of misunderstanding that we’ll make sure doesn’t happen again. No need stressing over what could have happened if it didn’t.
I also think I was swept up in the emotion of it, and looking at my son’s face and how scared he was. Made me feel horrible, whereas my husband didn’t take it personally. Does that make sense?
Same Here. I often wonder why my wife stays so wound up after (what I would think) is a small ordeal with our 8 month old daughter. It’s just one of the many differences between men and women, and how we perceive our roles as parents.
Teamwork makes the dream work! #teamterry
I definitely think this is the advantage of having two engaged parents so you can have that balance.
I’ll just come clean now and say – I don’t have a spouse, so I cannot speak from that experience. But my personal opinion is simply that men and women think think & communicate differently on most subjects – not only parenting. I remember my own parents, in similiar situations as yours, would have “go-rounds” like this: Mom would say “but what if somthing had happened” and Dad would say “but, it didn’t” – they would have this same arguement several times about the “blunder” and then drop it. Mom would say Dad was not taking the incident seriously and Dad would say that Mom was obsessing over somthing that did not actually happen. Thats the difference. For women / Mom’s it’s not just a one time thing – we are busy making up a plan to ensure this never happens again. For men / Dad’s it IS a one time incident where nobody got hurt. Case closed, no further thoughts on the subjct – except for the obvious – we cannot let that happen again. Mom will make elaborate plans and Dad will simply say, in the moment “who’s got who?” I think communication is key both in parenting and in life. Both parents simply need to talk over the incident, voice concern’s (don’t blame – that doesn’t help) and then simply agree that for the next outing, there will be a clear communication, between both parents, regarding who’s taking which chil(ren) with them.
Hubby and I aren’t parents yet but we go through the same thing. When something happens, once it’s over, he’s over it, but I continue to be a nervous wreck the rest of the day. Must be an emotional thing with us. But things like this definitely happen. I’m glad your son was okay!
I agree totally. My husband and I are the same way. I hold on to things, and he lets them go right away. I think we complement and balance each other well.
As a husband and parent what I can attest to from my experience, is that it’s definately a meeting in the middle of the road. Because Woman will more than likely get caught up in the “What If’s” of the moment, definately look to point out who or what was to blame (most times they end up unfairly blaming themselves) then they’ll spiral around that for some time before it is dropped (if ever). While a Man may not consider it an issue until it’s an issue (the same problem we face in regards to our health). And he’s quick to move on. I feel when the 2 can come together and balance one another out they are able to collectively recognize the potential severity of the situation so that a proper plan can be developed to avoid future incidents and by fully understanding that and addressing that each can comfortably move forward (despite whoever or whatever was at faut). As a final note for men… if she gets mad at you for your response, or lack there of, it’s onloy because she feels that your lack of emotional attachment to the situation means you don’t care enough to not let it happen again. So find a way to assure her of that. And my note to women is.. Emotionalism is a response to the past not a plan for the future. Let’s both work together to nip things in the bid and make plans for the well being of Strong Black Families!
The situation would have been reverse in my situation. I am the more laid back one and my husband is the opposite. Sometime I think I come across like I don’t care but I do. I just don’t react in the same manner.