A couple weeks ago, Essence.com relationships editor Charli Penn-Watkins (also the great blogger behind the Man, Wife, Dog blog) got a chance to sit down with Will Smith while his wife Jada was completing interviews for her HawthoRNe. Mr. Smith gave some candid relationship advice and this little nugget stood out for me:
“If you don’t give your husband thirty minutes to himself when he first gets home, he’ll stop coming home,” Will told me, straight up. (You’re thinking, no way, right? I did too!)
When I asked Will when a wife is supposed to say her piece, he responded, “anytime after that.” Will reminded me that everyone’s home needs to feel like a happy place and it won’t if you’re “greeted with negativity” every time you enter the door.
Since transitioning to a work-at-home mom earlier this year, I’ve tried to make a concerted effort to stop what I’m doing each afternoon around 5 p.m. to transition into what I call “Daddy’s coming home” mode. I do a quick sweep of the first-floor for toys and other messes, I make sure the kids have some activity to do at the dining room table, and I attempt to have dinner started, if not almost completed.
Before some of you start rolling your eyes (yes, I can feel it!), let me tell you that I wasn’t always like this. He would come home and I would be on the verge of tears from the stress of everything that happened that day: the refrigerator broke, I missed a deadline for an assignment, the kids were fighting all day, etc.
I noticed that the tone of our entire evening together hinged on what happened in the first 15 minutes when he came home. If he came home and everything seemed to be in order (even if it really wasn’t), we were able to relax together after the kids went to bed and reflect on the chaos of the day. But if he came home to craziness, the evening usually dissolved into nothingness.
Giving him 15 minutes (30 just doesn’t work for me) when he comes home to breathe, take his shoes off, change clothes, etc., before he jumps in with our evening routine has worked wonders in our household – what about yours?
Do you have a policy where you give each other space when you come home? How has it changed your relationship?
Totally agree. My father told me this when I got married and it stuck with me.
Totally agree. My father told me this when I got married and it stuck with me.
Totally agree. My father told me this when I got married and it stuck with me.
Totally agree. My father told me this when I got married and it stuck with me.
This is true..I remember when my Dad use to come home and we would give him the newspaper to read. When I use to get home after my wife and she bombarded me with negativity which wasn’t often, it affected my whole night. I also think this scenario affects women as well if they work in high profile positions, but they just don’t get an opportunity to do it because they don’t want to reject their kids.
This is true..I remember when my Dad use to come home and we would give him the newspaper to read. When I use to get home after my wife and she bombarded me with negativity which wasn’t often, it affected my whole night. I also think this scenario affects women as well if they work in high profile positions, but they just don’t get an opportunity to do it because they don’t want to reject their kids.
My husband comes right in from work, gives out hugs and kisses to the family and then heads to the bathroom for 20 mins max…lol. It’s really the only room he can go in, lock the door, and ignore the family for a much needed break. When I was still in the workforce my 20 mins was sitting at the computer, hiding in the kitchen staring in the fridge, or a fake walk to the store(it’s 30 sec from my house but I’ll be gone 20 mins).
I think that either parent needs a bridging moment where they turn of business mom/dad and turn into the relaxed version to deal with the family…jmho
My husband comes right in from work, gives out hugs and kisses to the family and then heads to the bathroom for 20 mins max…lol. It’s really the only room he can go in, lock the door, and ignore the family for a much needed break. When I was still in the workforce my 20 mins was sitting at the computer, hiding in the kitchen staring in the fridge, or a fake walk to the store(it’s 30 sec from my house but I’ll be gone 20 mins).
I think that either parent needs a bridging moment where they turn of business mom/dad and turn into the relaxed version to deal with the family…jmho
I agree with this. But I’d like to take it a step further by saying that husbands AND wives BOTH need that breather when they get home. When I worked outside of the home, mine was the bathroom, LOL! I would open the mail or flip through magazines or catalogs.
@Erica – I agree on the both husband and wives need the breather! When I worked full-time outside the home, I would get home an hour before my husband and kids and that time was necessary for me to be ready to be “Mom” once they walked in the door, all boisterous. LOL. The bathroom is a great escape.
@Erica – I agree on the both husband and wives need the breather! When I worked full-time outside the home, I would get home an hour before my husband and kids and that time was necessary for me to be ready to be “Mom” once they walked in the door, all boisterous. LOL. The bathroom is a great escape.
I agree with this. But I’d like to take it a step further by saying that husbands AND wives BOTH need that breather when they get home. When I worked outside of the home, mine was the bathroom, LOL! I would open the mail or flip through magazines or catalogs.
Loved the article!
Loved the article!
Thanks, Della! 🙂
Thanks, Della! 🙂
I too agree. Since both my husband and i work outside the home. My husband gets home first so he has his an hour free time before me and our daughter gets home. We have an agreement that I will pick our daughter up from daycare so he has his free time. I generally desire time to talk and recap my day. By the time I’m home my husband is ready to talk. It works for our lifestyle.
@7588f6764c41d12d7c37ff0522916a80:disqus I love that you guys have figured out what works best for your family. And it doesn’t seem to make too much for the other person which is a plus!
@7588f6764c41d12d7c37ff0522916a80:disqus I love that you guys have figured out what works best for your family. And it doesn’t seem to make too much for the other person which is a plus!
I too agree. Since both my husband and i work outside the home. My husband gets home first so he has his an hour free time before me and our daughter gets home. We have an agreement that I will pick our daughter up from daycare so he has his free time. I generally desire time to talk and recap my day. By the time I’m home my husband is ready to talk. It works for our lifestyle.
Another benefit of Mass Transit, I get to sit on the metro rail for 45 minutes before I get home, relax, read, nap, and let it all go.
I would take this a step further and say we should ALL make every effort to not bombard our spouses with negativity. how about instead, when a problem arises, say “Ok, this happened, how do we deal with it?” in a calm and collected manner. Negativity fosters only more negativity and causes rifts in relationships.
@Brandon – I like how you think. Negativity rarely gets us anywhere…
@Brandon – I like how you think. Negativity rarely gets us anywhere…
Another benefit of Mass Transit, I get to sit on the metro rail for 45 minutes before I get home, relax, read, nap, and let it all go.
I would take this a step further and say we should ALL make every effort to not bombard our spouses with negativity. how about instead, when a problem arises, say “Ok, this happened, how do we deal with it?” in a calm and collected manner. Negativity fosters only more negativity and causes rifts in relationships.
Funny — My husband does NOT but I DO!!!!!!
We save “work” talk or “stress talk” for later in the evening, when all is quiet and calm.
Funny — My husband does NOT but I DO!!!!!!
We save “work” talk or “stress talk” for later in the evening, when all is quiet and calm.
I am working on this especially holding in until the next day as my hubby works late and gets home when everyone is asleep. He calls evey night to check in and say good night it just happens that his break occurs during the ‘witching hour’ as i have come to call that special time every night when both my kids become crazed and deranged for 30 min. I am resisting ‘telling’ and we moved our schedules around alittle so now he calls and gets I love yous and thank yous during his call from me and the kids He says it gives himhis second wind and he deals with work stress much better now
To be honest I learned something today. I’ll start this evening!
To be honest I learned something today. I’ll start this evening!
Mrs. Jefferson,
I will not only agree but commend you on your actions because I believe there is a VERY thin line between humanity & holiness. Humanity represents what the “world” is accustomed to doing which is not caring enough of someone else to do something nice. Holiness represents what God is “desiring” us to do which is to try to make the people in our lives better in various unknown ways that does not seem to make sense.
I agree with you and I’ve taken it a step further even with our twins.. I have explained to them even though they are excited to see their Dad – don’t pounce on him when he first walk in the door. Give him a chance to relax from the stress of the day and then when dinner is ready, give him all the hugs you want and ask him about HIS day! We can always sit and talk at dinner time, give him the time prior to unwind! They GET it and he appreciates this!
GREAT everyone!!! We utilize our 30 mins in the bathroom also…showering, grooming, loving the first 30 minutes, well 30 minutes before the household time there it is. Love Peace and Soul yall!
I always try to greet my husband at the door when he gets home, give him a hug and a kiss to let him know I’m happy to see him, make sure the kids acknowlege him, and then I let him have his space for awhile. It really does make a difference. Before I knew to do this there was more tension, because I was hitting him with everything the minute he walked in the door. He had no time to unwind. But now its easier and in the evenings we can just be. I love it!
i dont have to do that anymore because my husband beats me home. but i totally agree.. downtime is needed or it just creates tension in your house for the rest of the night
Of course,they do… when out in this amazing world everyday,there no place like the comfort of home,and peace…
I agree but I don’t think this is specific for husbands. I think it is for both partners. Both work hard either in the work force or in the home (usually both). For me, I feel negativity when I walk in the door and the front rooms of the house (Kitchen) are a disaster. My boyfriend doesn’t greet me with negative words, but my anxiety goes up when I see the dirty dishes are not even in the sink or in the kitchen. Immediate stress.
I usually give my husband a good hour to change clothes, decompress with his favorite video game and finish cooking dinner before I launch into the day’s events/stresses. My husband is an IT Project Manager and is under a lot of stress (to the point where his blood pressure earned him a hospital stay).
Ironically, I learned how to give him a breather from our friends who are white, married with children. The wife explained how she used to “launch” until she saw her husband completely shut down around her and the kids. She finally realized he needed a moment and when she was relaying the story, my husband finally said something to me. I was actually a bit pissed that I had to find out this is what he needed via our friends nearly 2 years into our marriage. But nonetheless, giving him that hour has reduced my own stress.
now that I am currently a stay at home mom, I try to do the same, give the house a once-over, have dinner started, etc. I really try to give my husband his 15-20 mins when he comes home, although it doesn’t always work that way. but when I was working, I used to have to brace myself and take a deep breath before I would walk in because I would always get bombarded with whatever was going on with my husband and kids since they got home first. I agree with article but it definitely has to work both ways.
Is this for whomever comes home last? Because wives should be given the same condieration. I know how i feel when my husband calls me BEFORE he come home with problems…i hate it! But most women aren’t given the same luxury. Now that I am a stay at home, I give my husband whatever time he needs to unwind. Until he comes to me and asks about what’s going on, I keep it to myself. Sometimes it’s five minutes and sometimes it’s an hour.I don’t care because I’m holding it down no matter what!
This article doesnt just work for men. During the beginning of my previous relationship, you know that blinding space wanting to spend time together phase, I too came to the same conclusion. I realized that before we started dating i had this routine. On my way home from work I listened to the local traffic mix or a jazz cd on the way home to begin to unwind We i got home each night I went through the same ritual. Check the mail, change into something more comfortable, and decide what i was doing for dinner. I didnt answer the phone, I didnt call anyone else and depending on my day I amy even come straight home and dive into my Word for relief instead of right before bed. I didnt realize how important this was until I started dating him. I would come home and get irritated as soon as i saw his car or he would call. I know I appeared to be difficult but there is something to be said about coming home. Home is your temple of rest and relief. After going through some inner reflection I realized what I needed. Me and him had a very serious and honest discussion. I needed the first 30 minutes to be mine so that I could unwind and uncluter my mind from the days activities. It does make a HUGE difference in how you interact with your partner. After i detoxed I was more likely to be in a loving, giving, compromising mood and had the ability to focus on us and the things we needed.
I’m a stay-at-home mom/wife and my husband works overnights in 12 hour shifts and he’s on his feet the majority of the that time. When he get’s home in the mornings, I’ve made it my business to have him a hot bath waiting and breakfast ready after his bath. Once he falls asleep, I keep our 5 month old son occupied in another part of the house. I’ve been teased for the way I wait on my man (almost hand and foot…lol) but it doesn’t bother me. I enjoying letting my husband know I appreciate all that he does and sacrifices for the benefit of our family, and he’s told me that knowing that he’s appreciated keeps him motivated and sane.
I’d like to say kudos to the women who understood this one. I would also like to say that this is another motivational tip of why when I build our home we will not only have the family room but our own office but the master bedroom designed for nothing but comfort – for us both (no t.v.).
That said, my wife and I practice that once I get home I kiss and hug the kids then she and I go into the bedroom and talk for 15-20mins about anything and everything. After, I go and shower (after getting my uniform off) and then come down to socialize with our kids about their day and help my wife finish whatever she has going on before I get into my own such as college work.It does work wonders and set’s the tone for a peaceful night.
I concur, we know it’s needed for us, so why not him!??
Hopefully husbands would actually communicate this … instead of silently dreading coming home.
why not if you are home first let the person have 15min to settle in then he or she can take over and you can get your 15 or 30 min this way both have a break and then you can discuss the days events