There’s a saying that “in every life a little rain must fall.” The same is true for a marriage. Those of us married or in a committed relationship should have no trouble admitting there are challenging periods. During those struggles, instead of simply suffering, decisions have to be made and actions should be taken that greatly impact the health of the relationship.
During my experience writing, participating in relationship conversations, and coaching, I’ve encountered countless women who have admitted to consistently making those decisions that aim to save their partnerships, with little assistance from their mates. I know this doesn’t represent the majority of our marriages, but in my opinion it’s still far too many. There have been women who wonder if the men in their lives are as interested as they are in maintaining a healthy connection.
I reflect back on a time in my coaching practice where there seemed to be a growth spurt of clients whose partnership with me was created by the husband. At that time I was extremely impressed by their proactive approach and desire to do what they felt necessary, not only to please their wives, but to heal their unions. My excitement to their wanting to work with me was based on the rarity of this situation. Prior to that, the majority of my clients were women. I listened to these women describe what they needed and how their husbands hadn’t stepped up to the plate. Although I had only heard one side to the story, it was the only one willing to be told. I needed husbands and boyfriends to also see the value in taking this powerful initiative. As our marriages and relationships are being highlighted more frequently, I am encouraged by the change I am beginning to see take place.
One of the reasons I love the work being done here at BMWK is witnessing men coming out in droves to view the documentaries and discuss black love. They are also commenting on the articles here and even honoring their wives on the Happily Ever After Facebook page. Because they are now being bold in their marriages, I am expecting even more men to seek the necessary guidance and be willing and active participants in overcoming marriage struggles. Finding resources and professionals when the going gets rough is a great place to start. Men aren’t often open to sharing in these types of settings, so it’s important for wives to create a safe place for husbands to open up. Anyone would feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts in an environment where there is little judgment and mainly focused on solutions. My challenge to all the male halves of the relationship is to not be afraid to bare all for the sake of this partnership. They must be fully present in the pleasant times as well as during the struggle.
With all of that being said, I am still very confident that although it may seem more women have taken the lead in working out the kinks, husbands will continue to step up and share in the desire to heal their relationships.
BMWK, what do you think? Do women typically work harder at keeping a relationship alive than men? If so, how can we change this?
Tonya Charles says
Yes we do, because it is in our nature to make things work as nurturers. It’s a shame, but seems to simply be a fact of life. Even threats don’t work to try and change that.
Athelda Ensley says
There are a lot of stereotypical beliefs about relationships and roles. There are cases/relationships where women work significantly harder. The best marriage relationship, however, is one where both people are willing to fill in the blanks. There are going to be times when the man needs to keep things moving forward, fresh, and romantic. The same is the case with a woman. If this becomes one person’s job, the weight becomes too heavy.
https://speedoflife-times.blogspot.com/
Dad3574 says
I agree with you l00%. I wish my wife would take the time and read blogs like this. As a man who loves to be in love (yes I said it!) I realize in marriage it always about moving forward and not standing still. Blogs like this gives me inspiration to work harder. thanks
Jairo McMican says
Great article! I really believe that women do work harder. This is due to a couple of theories that I have. One is that women value love on a higher scale than men. Men value respect more. One of my favorite rappers, Phonte, has a line in one of his songs that said, “A woman’s life is love and a man’s love is life.” I think the genders love differently and react to it differently as well.
Tiya says
I agree Jairo, thank you.
Briana Myricks says
I think in a majority of the cases, women do work harder. But in the cases when the men are putting in the effort, I feel like they’ll go to the ends of the Earth to fix their marriage or relationship. Of course it’s a case to case basis on who loves harder, but it’s important to note that more men are stepping up to the plate just like Tiya said. And that’s very encouraging and inspiring.
Tiya says
Briana, I am very hopeful that trend is changing.
Reginald Williams says
Tiya, as you know, I too am a soldier to this marriage and relationship work. Additionally, I have been facilitating workshops exclusive to men, and women longer than I’ve been facilitating marriage workshops/coaching couples. Just about 11 years of work (between the two) and I’ve seen no greater effort on the part of women to work on relationships than men. What my wife and I do see is that women “are” more often ready to come to a workshop/coaching sessions to fix their husbands only to discover they were broken as well.
The concept of women doing more of whatever is just one more p.r. job to elevate the value of women and what women do, and to devalue a man’s effort in valuing his marriage. Problems in marriage or their solutions are not gender specific, but people specific.
Tony says
Bingo, is it men are not willing to work, or they are not willing to accept the judgment pronounced by their wives that they are defective and if only they would….
Give men credit for being smart enough to tell the difference between working on the relationship and being the subject of a “home improvement project.” If the approach is we need to talk (about what you are doing wrong) then what man is going to feel like he’s a valued partner in that relationship?
Kptarver says
Double Bingo!!
The Marriage Bed says
Overall I would say yes, women as a whole work harder. However, it’s not that simple. Often both husband and wife work hard on the marriage – but not at the same time. Often the man only kicks in when she gives up. Typically she is burnt out by the time he starts, and she understandably is not willing to risk working at it again, given the pain she had when she tried before.
My advice to the ladies is this – work at it, but save a reserve of energy and caring so you can work with him if he gets serious about it.
Tony says
My question is do women work harder, or do they simply not value the work done by men? After all, we keep hearing how women are “better” at relationships. I don’t think that’s true. I think men and women approach relationships differently and when women complain about men not working hard, perhaps it’s because they don’t recognize his contributions.
One final point, women choose divorce two or three times as often as men. Of course we have the other false notion that men are guilty of more marital misconduct. But I have to ask the question, if men are having affairs, is it with other men? Of course not. For every man who is misbehaving, there is likely a woman involved as well.
So perhaps instead of asking who is working harder, the question that should be asked is are we valuing our spouses contribution?
Tiya says
Great question Tony and Reginald, I truly wanted to hear from men on this topic. It is my hope that women do began to value the contributions made by men. I think because sometimes women might not see the same amount of effort from their husbands they may not value it as much. We have to learn that our spouses are who they are and they aren’t going to do things the exact same way that we would. We need to acknowledge where they are and validate them on every step made toward building the marriage. Reginald, I hope to soon experience more of the trend you are witnessing with your marriage work.
Tony says
Keep in mind, just because they don’t SEE the effort doesn’t mean it’s there. Furthermore, if they don’t count it as effort, then do they see it?
I make sure the cars run, have gas, that the bills are paid, and other chores. Why doesn’t that count as much as making dinner or picking up groceries? For many it doesn’t. So the wife who doesn’t value that will point to what she’s doing (dinner and shopping) but will not value her husbands contribution to keep the mechanical things around the home in good repair, not to mention the lawn work and what not.
My ex-wife was a stay at home mom, yet I was still able to find time to take care of things around the home, called to see if she needed anything when I was on my way home, etc. But apparently making a living sufficient so that she could be the stay at home mom was no longer valued given her choice to have an affair and divorce.
So I really question those who suggest women work harder or are more committed to marriage and family. They may work harder at SOME aspects of that. But then men work harder at the other aspects.
Men and women are not the same. If we were, one of us would be redundant.
And again, given that the vast majority of divorces are sought by women, and we know that both men and women sin equally. Sin is not a racial, nor a gender trait, it’s represented equally regardless of race, creed or religion, it’s hard to suggest women are more committed to marriage and the family when it’s women who make the vast majority of the decisions to end a marriage.
So I think we need to rightly question the conventional wisdom regarding gender, marriage and relationships.
If it’s offensive to consider that someone is inferior based on race, isn’t it equally offensive to consider they are inferior or not as engaged, based on their gender?
I find the notion that men are not working as hard as women an offensive proposition.
Tiya says
Tony,
This article is to paint a broad brush stroke over all men nor all women and it is not focused on the daily contributions each give to the household/marriage. I’m speaking more so of when there are challenges, who is more likely to seek help, (Pastoral guidance, books, resources, specialist etc.) In my experience as a coach, as I mentioned in the article, the majority of my clients seeking relationship coaching were the women. Of course that is just a small percentage, but that is the basis of this article. Don’t get me wrong, I am encouraged to see the men here step up and say they are also fighting to save their marriage when it ‘s been in trouble.I love that!
Tiya says
meant to say is NOT to say All women or All men.
Tony says
Perhaps you would also encourage folks to stop with the incorrect stereotypes.
Just because YOU don’t see them in your practice, doesn’t mean men are not seeking help.
But let’s assume that your premise is correct, that men are not seeking help in the same numbers as women? Why might that be?
I submit that it’s because of the initial assumption that if there is a problem in the marriage, then it must be something the man is doing wrong.
Men are told that if they are not having the sex they want in their marriage, it must be because they are not doing something to put her in the mood. We are told if a wife is spending beyond the budget, there must be some need her husband is not filling. We are told if she leaves her husband, not only must he have not been doing something, but he also ignored the signs that she “clearly” gave.
What if these things are simply incorrect, or not correct to the level which conventional wisdom suggests?
What man is going to step into a scenario where it’s assumed that he’s the problem.
What was the first question my pastor asked when I approached him about my ex-wife’s affair? “What did you do to force her to have an affair?”
Give guys credit. They are smart enough not to enter such an ambush.
If you want guys to seek the traditional types of help, then endeavor to make the playing field a bit more fair for him. Don’t assume he’s the primary problem. I’m not saying you do, but there are those who subscribe to the Ken Nair and Joel and Kathy school of thought which says if there is a problem in the marriage, 99% of the time it’s something the man is doing wrong.
What man is going to enter that sort of program when his wife is having an affair and has filed for divorce?
If you want men to participate in conventional family therapy, then you have to make it a safe place for them to be godly men, and not an ambush where they get blamed for their wife’s behaviors and failures.
Tiya says
Tony,
I NEVER said that men weren’t seeking help. I said in my experience more women have sought guidance. Your experiences with seeking guidance and the words your Pastor said are all very unfortunate. I am a professional to the very core of the word, and in addition to having a passion for helping couples, I take my business very seriously. I don’t judge nor do I play the blame game with the couples I work with. I take a non-bias approach and both partners are equal when they meet with me. So just so you’re clear on what I do, I DO create a safe place for both Godly men and women to share. And I NEVER assume that the husband is the primary problem. Please don’t box me into that group. Because you aren’t familiar with the work I do with couples, it was pretty unfair of you to assume you know how I conduct my relationship coaching.
I would suggest that men who are experiencing the type of judgement you have experienced to speak up and demand that your issues be heard in the exact same manner as your wife’s issues are heard. I definitely recommend not allowing situations of the past to prevent you from seeking help in the future. Your hurt is still quite evident, so I pray that you seek the type of guidance that can assist in your healing, without the judgement you’ve experienced previously.
Tony says
With all possible respect, why would you even ask the question if you treat folks the same, give them the same benefit of the doubt.
Are you not putting men into a box by suggesting, or going along with those would would suggest that women work harder at keeping a relationship alive?
Posing the question makes your objectivity suspect.
Instead of using such a loaded question. Certainly you do recognize that it’s a loaded question, right, what sort of neutral question could you ask?
I have suggested time and time again that instead of looking at this as men are not working as hard, or they are not seeking help, that perhaps their efforts are being missed because they are not valued or not the same as the efforts others might take.
Yet I’m not encouraged by your response. I don’t see where you would consider re-writing the question to “unload” it a bit. The very nature of the question elevates one and puts another down.
So I ask, am I boxing you into a group, or have you placed yourself in a box with this question?
The question is biased.
If you want me to believe that your are not biased, how am I to arrive at that based on your questions here?
I don’t know how you approach relationship coaching. But I know if I were considering you as a coach, I would not be impressed by your unbiased nature when confronted with this question.
How would any man think he starts on an even keel if these are the sorts of questions you ponder?
Tiya says
It’s a question that has actually lead to a great conversation. So I definitely wouldn’t rephrase it. I meant it just as I asked it. I am pleased with this dialogue. As I stated before I wanted to hear from men on this topic. So if the answer is no (in your opinion) the answer is no and that’s fine. Thanks for sharing.
Taia Matthews says
Maybe we as women don’t always know what they are….. sometimes we need for it to be pointed out
Tony says
Why not ask. A simple question that doesn’t put him on the immediate defensive. Something like, I believe you love me, help me understand how to recognize what you do that demonstrates your love for me.
Then listen.
When you observe him doing those things, know that’s him expressing love.
From that point, you can ask if he’d like suggestions on how to better hit the mark, and if he’d like you to do certain things that best speak love and/or respect into his life.
As long as the conversation is largely about you not wanting to miss how he loves you, then I think it’s a good start.
From there you can ask if he’d like some suggestions on things that might better hit the mark from you.
But if you start from the (wild example here, not saying you do this) you’re doing it wrong, here is what you need to do to love me, then it will be shields up and you won’t get very far.
Ditto for the question here. It’s a question that elicits a defensive response. It starts from the premise that guys are not working as hard.
Why not ask it from a neutral perspective that will not put him on the defensive. Instead of asking the question in a fashion where he feels he has to dig out of some hole dug by his wife/counselor or women in general.
Generally speaking, if you want guys to open up, then you have to be supportive when you hear things that are not comfortable.
How to do the opposite, how to NOT be supportive:
1. Suggest that he’s a dog, and all the variations that go with that. If you call his needs/wants/desires base, animal, or otherwise suggest they are not as refined as yours, why would he even bother sharing if he’s going to simply be put down?
2. Suggest that your way is better. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Most times it’s just different. If he wants to use duct tape to hold diapers together will it really matter that he’s not using pins or the sticky bits that come with diapers. Probably not. But if you are critical of his efforts, that’s a good way to see fewer efforts.
3. Suggest that he shouldn’t feel how he feels. It doesn’t work when a guy tells you shouldn’t cry at what you see on the movie screen, or shouldn’t feel the way you feel when you see a cute baby or shouldn’t feel so upset about what happened at work. So why then turn around and tell him he shouldn’t feel the way he does about any subject from the Infield Fly Rule to is God real or someone dreamed up by men who wanted to control society.
4. Suggest that he’s a failure, that it was a mistake to marry him, or to suggest that he’s another child under your care. That last one is really disrespectful. If you call him your N+1th child, then don’t complain when he lives up to your label.
I can tell you that most guys will do the work when they believe their efforts will matter. See someone not doing the work and there is probably the feeling (right or wrong) that it doesn’t matter what he does, so he’s better off doing nothing at all.
After all, if you do nothing, you can’t be blamed if you make a mistake.
So if your guy isn’t trying, is it because he feels it’s pointless. If so, have you done anything to lead him to believe that. What can you do to cheer him along instead of bringing him down?
Nancy says
At least for my marriage, the issue became, he just stopped doing and as you state, because, he came to believe it didn’t matter. Yet, he never, ever appreciated (said any thank you’s etc) what I did either. Many times he was anger, upset, unhappy and couldn’t express that even when asked by me what have I done and how can I make this better for you and us. So … it was that nature of him shutting down and becoming defensive versus solving, working through the communication issues, working to help move us to a better place. So … I for one, will choose to never be involved again with a man that becomes defensive and shuts down, such a relationship is a waste of time and time together will not cure it. All relationships take effort to overcome dynamics of communication style and a lot of overlooking infractions at communication. What this article is getting at is just that, when things aren’t going well do the players shut down or seek solutions. If a person isn’t mature enough they constantly are on the defense and see only criticism of their efforts and are always shutting down versus solving and moving forward.
Nancy says
I would add to my comment this – working with other couples, working with a marriage counselor, is all about becoming more aware, building new skills that improve the relationship and altering damaging habits that destroy the intimacy. Most people “Think” they have these skills, most of us do not. Most of us “think” that how we approach another is working well and many times it is not. Most of us “think” we are putting in a very good effort and most of the time we are not. So the working with other couples and marriage counselors help us to get over ourself, our Disney ideas, and actually do what is needed. This article suggest that men are finally seeing the need to get the extra help (as should woman) and training versus stay stuck in relationship deflating ideas and behaviors. My ex felt he was a nice guy if he didn’t complain, nag, etc. yet he was so angry and resentful since he could not discuss with me things that he needed me to see and modify. Again, this article is suggesting that men are seeking help to keep relationships strong – resentment is a silent relationship killer and if you think your spouse/significant other doesn’t feel it just as you feel nagging, you are delusional.
Randydnar says
I cannot speak for all men but I am confident I can speak for many. My marriage is considerably less glorifying to God than I care to admit. While the jokes get passed around about husbands getting called on the carpet for one thing our another and the disrespecting comments about wifes regarding their control over the intimate relationship; the following is true from my experience…… Man, from the beginning betrayed God. We men have found the helpmate that God gave us to be tangible, personable, attractive, relational, fulfilling, nurturing…..need I go on? From the beginning we have wanted to please our wives….and most likely for selfish gain. My point is that it is still true. For many of us our intimate relationship is dependant on whether we make our wives happy or take care to make sure we don’t make them unhappy.
While it is true that women are more relational, we men benefit from that as long as “mama is happy” Well we men are protectors, providers, leaders or at least recognized as the leaders of our families. We do care about our wives, always doing things for them, helping them out, protecting their image and reputation before others……at least these things are true in our marriage, and still no guarantee and very little hope of a close intimate relationship. As much as I hate to acknowledge it, I am a piece of fruit dying on the tree. I will one day fall off and have nothing left to offer. The marriage will be over and onlookers will wonder, what happened. The simple truth is, I will have been starved of nutrition and all my attempts to hang in there will have failed. I dont choose to starve, the supply source sends it’s nourishment to other locations where it’s better connected.
I believe God intended marriage to reflect the relationship between Jesus and the church. I believe He charged each of us within the marriage to fulfill certain responsibilities to each other as well as be a role modle for those who do not yet know Him. I feel defeated, at a loss, empty of most loving feelings only to be replaced with frustration and anger.
I do hope your research, education and desire to help marriages proves successful. Keep up the good work and may God richly bless your ministry.
Tiya says
I pray that God richly blesses you Randydnar and your marriage. Stay faithful and prayerful, this too shall pass.
Taia Matthews says
In the statement…”We do care about our wives, always doing things for them, helping them
out, protecting their image and reputation before others……at least
these things are true in our marriage, and still no guarantee and very
little hope of a close intimate relationship.” expound on what is meant by that statement… I may need help in how men see this…”a close intimate relationship”
FLHall says
I believe that it’s questions that ask who is working the hardest that are cancerous to marriage. My wife and I got married believing that we would both give 100% to a lifetime of making our marriage work. 50-50 seemed like someone was holding out.
When we started comparing how hard one of us was working compared to the other, disatisfaction began to increase. Lack of appreciation came up on both sides, regularly.
Finally, we saw the brokeness that was being created and started acknowledging each others love and comittment to our marriage. The pissing contest was over and our love began to flourish again. (30 years and counting)
I’m just sayin….
Tiya says
I believe not having the discussion and just walking around thinking it and feeling it and having actions that match those beliefs is also cancerous to marriage. We can’t be afraid to have conversations that feel a little uncomfortable at times if it will result in a healthier marriage.
FLHall says
I think the way the men replied to this question reveals the flaw in seeking affirmation for one person by passively attacking the other person. This question is looking for a loser by asking if the woman is the winner. In my book it gets points off for passive-aggressive tendencies. If you’re trying to build something together, why start by asking questions that put one another on the defensive? Sure, it doesn’t mean that the loser’s not working, but it implies that they are not working hard enough. It’s better to discuss how the 2 of you approach problem solving and then just get busy.
This is a sensitive button for me. I rarely win the “Who does more?” contest because I generally tend to be more concise about my efforts. It blows my wife’s mind every time I go clothes shopping because I finish in 30 minutes what would take her a couple days to do – buy 12 items that fit well, look good and were on sale. I don’t believe that I’m unique, I don’t believe that she has to be like me and I don’t believe I am broken. I know that will open all kinds of doors for discussion, but the baseline is – less effort isn’t ALWAYS a bad thing and more effort isn’t ALWAYS a good thing. The question should be about quality, not volume.
Tony says
Looks much like what I said. I would go further and suggest it’s about recognition or credit for the contributions given. If both are making the same contribution, isn’t one redundant?
Husbands and wives make different contributions. They may not have the same skills, desires and fortes, so why would they both be doing the same tasks.
If she doesn’t value his contributions, or if he doesn’t value hers, each will perceive they are doing more than the other.
So you have men who work to support a family and stay at home mom who may think he’s working harder than she is, and she may be raising kids or maintaining the household thinking she is working harder than he is.
But the objective reality is they are both working hard and failing to give credit for the contributions provided by the other.
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Randydnar says
Hi Taia,
What I mean by that statement is that as men we are stereotyped as always being ready to have sex anytime, anywhere. I am a man that has a healthy sex drive and very much enjoy the sexual relationship, but I want the affection, petting, the build up, the talking, the cuddling,….not just the intercourse. Hence my statement…
If you were to see us in public you would see a couple holding hands at times, opening doors, assisting with activities and just being kind. No one would ever know that behind closed doors, the affection is rebuffed, the conversation turns into an augment if I want to discuss the relationship and any attempt to have a sexual relationship is strongly discouraged. I want to have a fulfilling ” intimate relationship” that includes the talking, cuddling, affection, kissing, etc., not just a quick get it over with and leave me alone. This has been a pattern in our relationship for a long time and I protect her from exposure of this behavior. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with that behavior and I’m being unrealistic. If so, it’s no longer working for me…….I don’t know if I’ve clarified this at all for you but please feel free to ask more questions if you want further clarification.
LGnLA says
Hi Randydnar, have you spoken to your wife, as you have so eloquently stated your unhappiness here… I actually felt your pain, when you described how you two are in public vs. private. Please try prayer & speaking with her again (and change the scenery, not at home… but maybe a couples weekend get away)… have her & yourself list what you two are happy with/and list things that are challenging to you both about your relationship and work ‘together’ from there… may, God bless your union!!
QuantumSensei says
I agree women have a tendency and are wired to naturally communicate more; however, the larger problem is that many black women select mates using the wrong criteria.
I’ve dated many different races of women. Caucasian, Asian and African American Women have very different cultures, norms, values and criteria for what makes a “good man”. Instead of looking for leaders and communicators, some women seek mates based on the false premise that “I don’t need a leader because I can take care of myself”. If a man isn’t a leader, by default he’s weak. Men that aren’t raised to be compassionate leaders are weak, immature and don’t have the capacity or desire to communicate and grow. Those kind of guys are attractive and easy to be with in the beginning because they don’t communicate or push back much (in the woman’s face anyway, they operate behind her back), but when the shit hits the fan, the lack of depth and maturity rears its ugly head.
Then the woman realizes what she really has, and gets frustrated. The baby men they usually pick don’t want to grow or communicate. They don’t want to go to counseling or read any books; they just want to hang out with their boys, drink a few beers, watch the game, hold down a comfortable job, take it easy and glide through life.