By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
New relationships are always exciting. I enjoy being around the newly in love and hearing them talk about the joys that come from being with that special person. Often they will share, with others, the special things they do for and with one another.
Recently, I remember hearing a woman share the details of how she takes care of her new man. She mentioned preparing the dinner, running his bath, having the baby oil ready and giving him a full body massage after his bath. Now that’s how you take care of a mate, I thought.
The beginning of anything good is going to be awesome. And in the beginning we are going to always be our best self because we are excited about what we have as well as what we are feeling. As the woman described her delight in taking care of her man, I wondered and hoped that as their relationship progressed, those things wouldn’t stop.
Yes, the beginning is always exciting, until real life kicks in. After the babies are born and careers go into full swing it is not always as easy to still do what we did. Things change because we aren’t excited anymore. We no longer feel we have to impress because we already won the prize. In some marriages spouses have gotten caught up with their own needs and have forgotten to consider the other spouse. Sometimes it is easy to lose sight of what drew us to one another in the first place.
Normally, the first thing is a physical attraction. When we initially met our future spouses, I am sure we looked good. We had probably kept our appearance up just because we felt good and maybe because we hoped we would meet someone special. After that initial attraction is the dating stage. We wined and dined one another, and tried to impress by coming up with creative dates and fun things to do. We were interesting on purpose and interested on purpose. We usually communicated well in the beginning by finding out the likes and dislikes of our future spouses, and we kept those things in mind as we loved our mates. With our schedules and busyness, it gets easy to forget some of those things.
But today is the first day of no more excuses. It is time to put your spouse first, again. I am challenging you BMWK to make your marriage a priority. Let’s go back to doing what we did in the beginning.
BMWK, do you still do what you did?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children
JF says
Is it possible to make it “like the beginning”? I don’t think so. The two people aren’t those same people anymore and never will, in many cases at least. You can try to ‘court’ them again, kinda, or consider them again,do those nice things, but you can’t become ‘new’ again. The ‘newness’ as eric roberson would call it can’t be reproduced. They will never be ‘new’ to you again. Now, if that happens and something happens in life were you see them as new and/or they become new, then that’s good/special. But, then again a lot of this is about partner choice. This discussion is something that’s been on my mind much lately. This whole ‘excitement in marriage’ topic. I mean, marriage isn’t really meant to be exciting, is it? Marriage seems more about companionship, maintaining a routine and having an emergency contact than being exciting and new. I mean, you’re chosing to be with one person FOREVER, day after day the same person and routine. What about that says excitement? Now, if you have an exciting life, career etc where things change, then that would break the routine where things can be new, new experiences, potential for growth maybe. That’s something else, growth. If two people are people that love to learn and grow and be influenced, that leads to change, which makes the ‘new’ arguement a negative one because when those people or that one person become ‘new’, they may be someone that no longer matches you. Excitement and marriage are actually conflicting ideals. I know many will respond with ‘well, I wake up every morning to my wife/husband and the excitement of what God has for us…blah blah blah”. I don’t mean to say that excitement can’t be in marriage, but marriage itself isn’t something you go in to for excitement. Getting married may be exicting, but marriage as a concept isn’t. I guess some people have exciting marriages, which sounds oxymoronic as I say it to myself. I think people should be a little more honest with themselves in this conversation. It seems like the way to have a lasting marriage is to try to reimagine the newness and excitement of being single and the commitment and loyalty of marriage. Maybe what people want isn’t found in marriage. Maybe after you’ve been together and you know that person, the ins and outs, ups and downs, you really can’t make that ‘new’ because you know them and to try to make things exciting and ‘falling back in love’ may actually be going against the reality of your relationship and forcing somehthing for the sake of staying together. I see a lot of forcing. I understand fighting for a marriage, but forcing…I don’t know, these are just some thoughts. Peace
april says
Very honest….my marriage is goin thru a rough patch so wanting the new we once had is really strong right now. But the doin little things we used to do when it was new is important. And I will continue to fight 4 my marriage untill he walks out of our door. That feeling right there to me is greater than new love, its strong,unconditional love.
JF says
I hope that everything works out in your marriage, I hope everything happens for you that is supposed to.
Spencer Jackie says
“Marriage seems more about companionship, maintaining a routine and having an emergency contact than being exciting and new”…mercy! I’m single, and from that description, I
ll stay single! Please tell me marriage is more than those things…an emergency contact?!? Say it ain’t so!
Reggie Williams says
You must always consider the source, and understand that people speak to the experience because they have nothing else to reflect on.
Oftentimes when a person hasn’t succeeded at a given task, they take on the spirit that the task can’t be accomplished – i.e, a child is failing in school so they say something like, “school is stupid I ain’t going no more.” Is school stupid – no, but they are having trouble excelling so blame it on the school.
I think the spirit of what Tiya is saying is, get with your spouse and create that spirit of newness. My wife always says, “I want my husband to have a new wife, and that new wife will be me.” Eleven years in and my wife and I are still excited and exciting.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
JF says
On a topic like this, I would think experience is the best place to speak from. I mean, you’ve sited an example of your wife, so you’re speaking from experience,right? I think my whole point was lost or either I didn’t state it properly because I was just going with some unorganized thoughts (I’d say probably the later,ha). I was moreso discussing this constant topic of ‘excitement in marriage’ and ‘making it new again’ and just wanted kind of think out loud, I guess, about it and explore it. Nothing more. Not Marriage bashing or anything. It probably sounded as so, which leads to the assumption that the speaker is speaking from a perspective of failure as you’ve stated. That example of you and your wife is very inspiring and I’m glad to see examples like that. It’s quite rare sir…peace
Reggie Williams says
JF,
It’s all good. Comments, no matter whether one agrees or disagrees, stimulates dialogue and dialogue ain’t a bad thing.
Dimples_76 says
Thanks for your enlightening response. Based on what JF said , it seems hardly worth the risk of getting married and my wedding is this summer. Wow, I was under the impression that it is not going to always be new but that you work at it and do different things to create that type of exciting environment in your marriage.
Tiya says
Spencer Jackie,
I think the first part is making sure you marry someone that you love, can build a friendship with and respect. Being married has been a blessing for me. Now I will have to admit it takes some effort from both partners. But it is all worth it. So I’m saying “it ain’t so” 🙂 It is going to reflect the love and energy you put into it.
Mwrobins22 says
“It is going to reflect the love and energy you put into it.” So true. Very well said.
Themrs. says
Life is full of, ‘If I could shuda’s”. I have been with my husband for 22 years. We have experienced the good, the bad and the ugly. (ok not so ugly). I think if it as being in a boxing ring. We both enjoy the sport most of Marriage and are dedicated to it. But there have been a many a day where we have gone to our prospective corners to regroup. And just like any other experince in life, you can look at all of the growth you both have experienced. Our kids are 19 and 17. We have always enjoyed traveling (mostly by car), celeberty gossip, comedians, a variety of of music, sports, good food and children. No it has not been perfect always, but we have had a pretty good match and blessed. I look forward to the next 20+ rounds. I look forward to doing some of the old things. Good love and Good Luck to the current and future B&MWK.
Triple J says
I was just thinking JF, it doesn’t sound like you’re married. (Maybe you were and it didn’t work, I don’t like to assume.) Marriage is more than just having an emergency contact. Much, much more than that. As a married woman with a child and career, I’m wary of these articles that are always trying to push you to make things new and EXCITING!!! Marriage as it MATURES is beautiful and that’s really the issue, it’s not about everything being exciting ALL the time. There is a maturity that comes with being in the marital bond that transcends, what I think most people think of as EXCITING!! I don’t know about being bored to be married. I married a man I can talk to about almost everything. He actually was my hang out buddy. We just realized that we could enjoy each other’s company and not always have to make dates to do so…we could do it on a full-time basis. For those of us, who appreciate the FOREVER part of marriage, we see the joy in coming home to the one we love, the beauty is in not always having to explain everything because you really don’t know this person, there’s not a lot of pretense either…you are who you are. You have good moments and bad moments. Marriage is work, but ANYTHING worth having is worth working for. And what’s so bad about wanting companionship, I see a lot of lonely, dysfunction out there in this world. I’ll keep my vows. Marriage is terribly disrespected in our society and so misunderstood. And there’s nothing wrong with the routine, I come home, I kiss my daughter and my husband, we sit and eat dinner while my husband feeds our daughter and we watch old Cosby show reruns and laugh about how very little we appreciated the very important messages in this wonderful family show. We talk about work, about our day, about what we want for our future for our daughter’s future. Before we know it, it’s time for bed. I snuggle into bed and my daughter rubs her head under my chin (yup, she still in the bed with us for now, she’s just one.) My hubby and I kiss each other goodnight. The next day we get up and do it all again. It may not seem exciting, but it sure is beautiful.
JF says
I absolutely loved your post!!! it was so very beautiful and special…we actually agree, my whole issue was the marriage as excitement concept. It’s this concept and topic and that makes me tell people to really discuss what marriage is to you and what you expect and be honest about it. The concept of marriage could be quite ambiguous at times with ideals changing, not so traditional, people changing, wanting new things, thinking differently etc. I just wanted to explore this concept of excitement and marriage because if you are filled with thoughts of marriage as excitement, you may want to leave once the bad times comes. If you feel there will always be some type of reinvention or rebirth or newness like the old days, you may be disappointed. But, I do understand relighting that fire and keeping each other feeling special and important.
I wasn’t speaking against marriage or companionship, but I think we can agree that companionship and excitement may be different concepts, at least at times.
Oh and by the way, I am married, hahaha. And my daughter always pops up in our bed in the middle of the night and she just turned 3.
Triple J, I thank you for your post. It was beautiful and very inspiring and was perfectly expressed. “It may not seem exciting, but it sure is beautiful…” awww, gorgeous!!!
Reggie Williams says
Sound like to me that you have a very exciting marriage. I coach couples and many don’t understand the joy of eating dinner and watching old Cosby shows – that’s exciting. When I’m coming home and I know we are going out to dinner I’m excited; when my wife calls me in the middle of the day we are excited. It is the routine of our love that’s exciting. And this is what many couples needed to be reminded of – get back to exciting.
LB says
“It is the routine of our love that’s exciting” LOVE THAT!
SkullGoddess says
Triple J..I could not have said it better!! I tell all my friends..”My husband and I are wonderfully bored and we love it just like that”. I don’t have to worry about any affairs (like my other GFs) and we always make sure and take care of each other no matter how many times the kids try to get in between. Like you said “It may not seem exciting, but it sure is beautiful”.
Reggie Williams says
“But today is the first day of no more excuses.”
Tiya the aforementioned statement is an article in itself. How often folk make excuses and then wonder why life ain’t what they wanted it to be. Excellent post, especially when considering this is the month of love.
Tiya says
Thank you Reggie. Hmmm, this could be a very interesting article, thanks.
DINKs says
We have been together for 7+ years. We still love to hop into the tub together, relax with a bottle of bubbly, wash each other, sensual massage, etc. I know what to wear to get the sparkle in his eye, and all he has to do is put on some cologne, and I KNOW that it’s on!
I think people stop doing this stuff because they have kids.
Discussion King says
This is sad —> I think people stop doing this stuff because they have kids.
Maybe true tho
Rhonda J. Smith says
My grandmother, who was married to my grandfather 67 years before she died, would always say “you have to do what you did to get him in order to keep him.” She would powder her face and put on lipstick before he came home to make herself “presentable.” As much as I can I follow her lead, and my husband frequently comments how I keep myself up even when just in jeans and a sweatshirt. He constantly caters to my needs and me to his, and this keeps our marriage exciting, never knowing how we will bless each other. He frequently tells me how he’s still so in love with me, and hearing his passion excites me. Also with three young children, we sometimes have to find creative ways to sneak in moments of physical intimacy, and, of course, that’s always exciting.
TheMrs says
This is something that I struggled with in the past few years while changing course from having an outside career to being a stay at home mom. I slowly changed from being dressed to impress on a regular to only getting “dressed” on days that I had to be somewhere. As I began changing back to the woman that I was I saw the difference in my husband.
Just this morning I was thinking about making sure that the kids are in bed earlier again so that we could have a little time in the evenings together, even if it’s just to sit and stare at a wall. I’m not unhappy with where we are but I would so love to spend a weekend with who we used to be…..
Rhonda J. Smith says
I totally feel you, TheMrs. I’m a stay at home mom, too, and it can be a struggle keeping yourself presentable. But when I think of how thrilled my husband gets when I do at least a little to spruce up, that gives me incentive.
TheMrs says
I actually changed my daily schedule a bit so that I look refreshed when he comes in from work in the evening….my early morning cleaning is done in pj’s or loungewear, shower before the baby gets up and dress in loungewear and then freshen up and change into clothes around 3. All of my “dirty” work is done before I am showered now rather than a later in the day chore. There’s just something about my husband coming in from work and looking at me with adoration as he undresses me with his eyes….lol.
I’m getting there now, now if I can just muster the energy and the babysitter so that we can date again I will be happy!!!
Rhonda J. Smith says
Aww, yes, the elusive babysitter. Isn’t it funny how far in advance you have to plan a date? It’s like planning an out of town trip. Sounds like you have a good daily schedule going, though. Do you ever have in home dates? I know these are no substitutes, but the keep the intimacy high.
Rhonda J. Smith says
Aww, yes, the elusive babysitter. Isn’t it funny how far in advance you have to plan a date? It’s like planning an out of town trip. Sounds like you have a good daily schedule going, though. Do you ever have in home dates? I know these are no substitutes, but the keep the intimacy high.
P. Cunningham says
I agree with JF, you can’t get the “newness” back after you have been with someone for some time. But I think it is good to try to keep some of the things going that you were doing when you first met. It is really easy to fall into a rut and get comfortable until something happens to rattle our cages so to speak. And sometimes it’s too late at that point. So, as a stay at home mom, I also try to spruce up a bit before my husband comes home in the evening. I try to get all the running around and housework done before hand so I can give him my undivided attention when he gets home. And yes I notice a difference in his demeanor when he is greeted by a well groomed, relaxed, and pleasant wife vs. one in ratty sweats with a scarf on her head, no make-up on , and a tired old attitude to boot. And let’s face it you get out of any relationship what you put into it. So when he notices that I am trying a little harder he tries a little harder too, to keep that little spark alive. And that’s what it is all about really.
Darlene C. says
I’ve been married for 14 years and the newness is gone and is not coming back, but I adore my husband. He’s always been there for me, taking care of me, and loving me unconditionally. Sometimes I do get bored but I wouldn’t trade my married life for anything.
Superwife says
There is a difference between spending a life together celebrating one another (daily hopefully) and this immature romantic ideal of keeping the “newness” in the marriage like you were courting. Are you kidding me? Courting people (purposely) don’t deal with anything real – they hide it from each other so they can live in fantasy date land. Married people deal with everything – together – work, death, bills, chores, family, etc. No fantasy in marriage. However, that being the case – you can still keep the interest of your partner by doing things that please each other and bring a smile to your spouse’s face – daily if you work at it. Without all that trying to keep it “new” mindset = fantasy island thinking. Marriage is for grown folks…not Twilight Saga fans.
NoziB says
This is a beautiful article…I learned so much from it…I am not married yet…I pray that I will always remember these lessons I have learned here…to make my marriage to not only stand the test of time, but to be exciting, and good for both of us…you cannot be over prepared, I always say…but being under prepared can be costly.