By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Normally I don’t repeat nor discuss the celebrity gossip I hear from unofficial sources, but this I have to mention just for the sake of this post.
In certain environments (beauty and barber shops for example) there are often things said that aren’t based on any actual facts, but just sound good for the conversation at the moment. The latest neighborhood headline “Beyonce divorces Jay-Z for cheating before the marriage.” My first thought was of course not to believe it. But my second thought turned into a question, “Should she divorce him as a result of something that happened before the marriage?” My answer was not so simple.
On one hand, the actions and behaviors that take place during the dating phase of a relationship display a person’s true characteristics. So even though the relationship before you say I do isn’t an official marriage it is still a serious relationship. There are certain expectations that come along with that type of commitment as well. Trust, faithfulness, honesty, communication and monogamy are all included in this type of commitment. If you can’t be trusted in the beginning how would marriage change that?
On the flip side, the relationship, before the marriage, isn’t the same as the one after the wedding. Although my husband and I had been together a while before we got married, I remember after our wedding seeing him with new eyes. He looked and seemed different to me. In my mind, the relationship was real. This man had now become my husband and at that moment our whole relationship was taken to a new level. Like nothing we had ever shared before. So while we may have had our struggles before that, I knew that it was a new day. I had to try harder, give more and do better. The marriage makes you want to do better. There is something about those vows that normally change a person.
So back to the original gossip, if he did cheat before the marriage, should she divorce him? My answer would have to be no. Not that I condone cheating in any relationship, but marriage is the official and final commitment. Once you make your vow and promise before GOD the marriage officially begins. If the marriage has been healthy and there has been trust and faithfulness to the commitment, why rock the boat? Why not continue to build on what you have already created.
BMWK, How much does before the marriage count?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
C.J. says
Well I have to admit that my husband almost cheated before we got married. I called the wedding off for a few days then I took some time. It still haunts me now to think what he couldve done. Heck his bachelor party still haunts me but I know this man loves me in a way that Ive never been loved before. And that the fact that I’ve been cheated on before him didn’t help our situation but I am here and still working through or this is fir those who dare to live again after you’ve been Hirhurt!
Ronnie_BMWK says
Hi Tiya,
I think before the marriage counts because that is the time that I am taking to get to know my partner and any red flags I see before the marriage will be there after the marriage…so it is important to truly get to know a person first. However, if something happened before the marriage and I married my spouse anyway, then I think I would be more inclined to work on my marriage.
Ho
Erik says
Before the marraige counts but after the marraige counts more. As u said in this article its something in those vows that should really change the both of you. I’m not condoning cheating at all but things do happen. Real Love trumps mistakes(Cookie and Majic…..Camille and Bill……MLK and Corretta and the list gos on). When u got a love thats strong and for you, I think you gotta stick it out when the man/woman is truly sorry and willing to show you that your Love is the only one that matters(not Mike J and Tiger sorry guys).In closing your actions after the Marraige should change for the better.
AP says
I agree, that if it is something that happens before the marriage it can be overlooked in certain circumstances…However it takes a strong woman/man to say I am willing to move pass this. Mistakes do happen, but if u feel in your heart that it will be done again dont take the chance because you will focus on the pass issue more so than moving forward and creating new memories. Lost of trust is a hard pill to swallow…but honesty that hurts can be worked at and more respected.
MoniLove says
Tiya, I’ve been thinking about your article since I read it on Tuesday. I DON’T KNOW!!!!! I have no idea what I would do. My husband had a ‘questionable” exchange with his ex while we were engaged (no cheating) and for about two days I swore I wouldn’t marry him. He swore he wanted to spare my hurt feelings, but I looked at it as him keeping something from me and not being honest. Fast forward 11 years into our marriage and I can’t imagine being married to anyone else. We all have our ‘things’ but he is the most perfect husband I could ever dream of having. So, I think if I had tossed him to the side I would have missed out BIG TIME on a wonderful life and marriage! I know my example is a little different and guess it depends on what who and how the cheating occurred. I just hope I never have to make this decision.