Does God choose the person you’re supposed to marry? I used to think so. That false belief led me into unhealthy relationships. Let me explain.
I met my ex-fiance at the age of 19. I thought he was “The One.” We liked many of the same things and shared many of the same values. To top it all off, when asked by my father why he wanted to marry me, my ex said “The Lord told me to.” (Real romantic, huh?)
I struggled to let the relationship go even though all the signs of verbal and emotional abuse were there. I thought he was “the ONE” sent to me by God. “If only I prayed more or changed who I was, then things would work out,” I reasoned.
When I talked to his mother about what was going on in the relationship, she gave me a bit of advice I still remember to this day:
“He’s not your only option.”
I was confused.
In graduate school, I met another guy who announced, “God said you are my wife.” He was nothing like the kind of man I’d prayed for, but if God said it, I reasoned, then maybe He was giving me what I needed, not what I wanted. (I KNOW you’ve heard that one before). Things quickly unraveled when I discovered he was dating other women on the side.
Ironically, my husband never said anything about the will of the Lord or fate or destiny or any other phrase we tend use to describe meeting our one true love. In fact, my dream man kept telling me he wasn’t looking for a relationship.
Once we began dating, I prayed about our relationship because I didn’t want to make another mistake. God said to me, “Pay attention to his fruit.”
In other words, God was directing me to look at the results in my hubby’s life to figure out what kind of man he was so I could make the best decision about whether to be in a relationship with him.
Sure, there were fireworks, butterflies, and every other emotion you could feel when you’re falling in love. However, I wasn’t leaving it all up to fate; I was using wisdom to decide to get married, and so was my husband.
Question: If there’s only one true love for you out of the billions of people living on planet Earth right now, what happens if you make the wrong choice? What if Harry marries Angela, when he was supposed to marry Kisha? Well, Kisha’s life is messed up because now she has to marry Damien, who obviously is the wrong guy. Damien was supposed to marry Rachel, who was supposed to marry Rick. But now, everybody’s fate is destroyed. In fact, the destiny of the entire human race is thrown off course!
The wrong couples are having babies! What if the baby who is supposed to cure cancer is never born because Harry didn’t marry “The One”? Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? But that’s what happens when we hold on to myths like fate, destiny and “the one true love.” It sounds romantic and it makes a good love story, but it doesn’t make much sense.
The downside to this myth is that it opens the door to fear of loss, encourages competition (among single women especially), paralyzes many singles in the dating process who don’t know if they’re choosing the right person because they didn’t hear a word from God, and it can also create resentment in a marriage (“I married the wrong person!” many people say).
Hanging on to this myth can also cripple those who have lost love through death or divorce and who feel as though they’ll never love again.
When you understand that soul mates are made and not born, you’ll realize you have permission to get rid of the fear of loss so that you can get to work on creating an amazing relationship!
But what about God’s will?
Dating is a grey area in the Bible; there aren’t any verses telling you, “Thou shalt not date” because–NEWS FLASH–no one went on a date during biblical times!!!!
Here’s a truth that will set you free: You come to know God’s will by understanding His ways. I believe God is less concerned about who you marry as He is about how you get married. In other words, do you do it God’s way?
Instead of seeking Him for “the ONE,” seek to know the way He wants us to relate to one another. Ask God for wisdom and discernment so you can make the best choice for your life.
The love of your life is waiting for YOU to create it. You can have the romance of your dreams but you gotta stop waiting passively for it and go after it!
As a whole, I do not agree with this. Now, I do agree just because someone tells you, “God says” doesn’t mean you have to agree with them OR that God truly said it. It’s up to us to seek God (OURSELVES ) to see what He’s saying. However, I do believe as Believers we should acknowledge Him in ALL our ways. If He has every hair on our head numbered, surely, He cares about who we spend the rest of our lives with. His insight is invaluable when making that type of decision. So much so, we see Elieazar PRAYING before choosing Isaac’s wife.
So much so, we see God presenting Adam with His wife, Elieazar PRAYING before choosing Isaac’s wife etc. Whenever we see something appear for the first time in the Bible it is setting a precedence and establishing a divine order.
Neka, re-read the article. NO WHERE did you see me say not to talk to God about who you should marry. In fact, the last paragraph lays it out clearly. Every person in the Bible didn’t pray for his wife. Boaz didn’t pray for Ruth. Abraham didn’t pray for Sarah. Joseph didn’t pray for Mary, the mother of Jesus. Neither did the majority of men in the Bible, because marriages were arranged. It was a part of the culture. What does tell us? It shows that dating is a part of our culture and God wants us to seek Him, He wants to be involved, He wants to give us wisdom, but everyone’s love story will unfold in a different way. Too many Christians (women especially) are waiting for God to send them a mate. They’ve been waiting until they’re 45, 50. They’re told online dating is wrong. They’re sitting at home, waiting for someone to find them. They choose the wrong person and stay with him. I know, because they come to me as a Christian matchmaker, hoping I can help them and they’re secretly angry at God. All along, they had the power to find a spouse! So, this was a message God gave me a long time ago, to set His people free! Getting married isn’t that complicated. The wisdom is laid out in the book. We have to cooperate with God. Bless you!
I totally agree with you Aesha on this one. Same thing happened to me. I believe that it was a familiar spirit in my case. My ex boyfriend, had a crush on me for five years. I only liked him as a friend. I didn’t even know he felt that way towards me. I was married at that time but separated for ten years. Last year, i thought I heard the Lord tell me, that’s going to be your spouse while we were talking on the phone. I thought to myself I don’t even like him like that, but If this is from the !ord, I’ll obey. Worse mistake ever. He was Christian but we were totally opposite in our walk. He was more worldly
While i on the other hand cherish my relationship with Jesus. He did everything that was right at the beginning. He swept me off of my feet. We always went out, brought roses almost every week,dinner, on Valentine’s Day surprised me with an iPad Pro, he spoiled me rotten.My mom fell in love with him, his parents loved me. He took really good care of me. Later on, the verbal abuse began arguing 2-3 times a week. I was drained spiritually and emotionally. In fact, it was like I was on an emotional roller coaster. I broke it off finally after five months. And never looked back. I will never again go by a voice, dream or visions. I only looked to the word of God(the Bible) and the fruit. By their fruits, you will know them.
I don’t normally respond to these either. Iagree with Nichole Brown and Neka’s responses so much, there’s no need for me to add on to theirs.
I really dislike your article.
I supposed you have the credentials to write about relationships, however it’s obvious you don’t have the wisdom to write about God.
Your title is not plausible, the content of your article is contridictory. I would never consider relationship advice from you.
I think the others may have misinterpreted what you were trying to convey. Terrific article! We need to be challenged more in this area.
I have to say that I don’t agree with the sentiment that God doesn’t choose who you should marry. I don’t totally disagree with what you said, but the way you said it. With your boyfriends stating that God told them you were their wife, who’s to say that it was God and not them in their own minds? I have heard people say this, my cousin has had two men just this year proclaim that God has told them she was their wife. These were a bunch of janky jokers who were just after what she could offer them. She nearly fell for it with one man. When I met my husband and he began speaking on marriage a lot I went into deep prayer and meditation and asked God to show me if this was the man He had meant for me. I went with a very open heart because I take marriage seriously and I didn’t want to have to go in half cocked. I feel like after several weeks there wasn’t anything shown to me that he was not the man for me and we had a great marriage. Not without issues, but we developed an awesome line of communication and it was the best thing ever for us. Do, I feel like God chose him for me? I really do. He was the best part of my life and gave me the best years of my life.
If I am to believe God’s Word, that He knows every detail about my life (Psalm 139), how can I not believe that He would decide who my mate would be? Once I get out of the mindset that he has to look a certain way, or other superficial beliefs, then I am free to accept who the Lord chooses for me – after praying for guidance and discernment of course. I do know that God will not send me an unbeliever, because then He would invalidate His Word.
On another note, perhaps the 45 and 50 year old individuals who seek counseling are not satisfied with themselves, and have not developed a trusting relationship with God. At 44, I have never questioned God’s timing or provisions, I just trust and believe that His timing supersedes mine. I’ve seen this play out in many facets of my life. His timing is spot-on and He does not need my help, just my obedience, faith, and trust.
Dr. Aesha, I totally understand where you are coming from with this article. I got this revelation about 3 years ago and it totally freed me up to believe that God loved me and gave me the freedom to choose whom I would marry. I realized that I was to use his Word to be my guide in not only making my decision in whom to marry but also in the type of wife and person that I was to be. Its a hard concept for Christian women to grasp but I do believe that God could present a women with 3 different men, all saved and of good character and he would be happy with which ever man she chose. But sometimes we get paralyzed because we’re waiting for God to tell us which one is the right one….but they all might be the right one!! God is a loving Father and not out to trick us. You definitely have to use Wisdom in deciding on who you will marry but I believe God is more concerned about our character and what kind of wife we’ll be once we do get married.
Dr. Aesha, thanks for sharing your story & wisdom. I’ve heard many roads of instructions to go and it’s been quite confusing. But you have given a bit of clarity for me. I still have a bit of learning to go, but I feel I’m on the right path, as long as I see things for what it is and be present, seek and act. Thanks again. Peace be, & be brilliant.
Ms. Marie Labranche, you have made some very vital points. You have actually open my eyes a bit wider. Thank you for your gracious input, I can definitely incorporate your wisdom.
I totally understand what you’re saying and only the extremely high and mighty would infer that you are leaving God out of the equation. Proverbs says to “acknowledge Him in all our ways and He will direct our paths”, which tells me that the plan for my life exists and is mapped out however God gives us something called free will! That’s what makes us human as opposed to robots. I believe that there is a certain level of freedom within his will to choose according to His will. Tough concept to swallow but to think of it in the most realistic terms: do we question God about whether to get that Masters degree? Not always, most of us do it because we know thatGod honors us furthering ourselves as we did in 3rd, 4th, 5th grade and so on! It’s not that serious! We choose our major, school etc being led of the Spirit but going forth on free will! Similarly, we know that God wills for us to be together like Him who walks according to His Word. We go forth choosing our mate (like that school, major, etc) IN GOD’S WILL. “The saints” get to passive in salvation sometimes and WAIT for God to drop stuff from the sky when He is looking at us like “What are YOU doing?” Let me leave us with this: “God will do exceedingly, abundantly above what you can ask or think according to the power that works in you”…Selah
Aesha I love your article! There is a difference in being a Spiritual Being and a religious follower. Religious people will not understand the message your article is conveying because they believe and do things out of habit. They study and read with closed minds. They are scared to accept responsibility for their part in their lives because its easier to say “its out of my control.” God said faith without work is dead! That means YOUR work folks. Not YOU sitting and waiting for this mystical magic! Spiritual Beings have a connection with the Almighty. Books or preachers are just meant to be supplements that wont stop us from hearing and understanding the message God has written on our hearts. I’ve been married for 10 years and with my husband for 13. Our initial match making would not have been what the church said it should look like. Neither one of us had fruits that looked worthy of picking. But God! We opened our hearts and mind to God along our journey in a way that religion doesnt teach. It was pure, honest, no strings attached Love of God and he moved in our lives in a major way. GUIDING us to shape ourselves, hence, our marriage in a way that we became exactly who we needed to be for our union and prosperity in life in general. My husband is my ideal man and I am his ideal wife, but it did NOT start off looking like that! Not to mention, our relationship with God has evolved. May God continue to bless your journey Aesha!
Wow. So much judgment there, considering I’m a pastor. But I forgive you!
Please don’t make assumptions about these women, if you haven’t heard their stories, sis. These are successful women who have served God and the church for years. They have been in bondage to something that God has never required of them. He’s raised me up as a Naomi to help guide and mentor them. Blessings!
Wow, JO. So much judgment from somone who 1) doesn’t know anything about me personally. For example, I’m a pastor. 2) Who claims to know more about God than I do. The Bible says, God is love. So I ask you, was that a comment written in love? I forgive you though. Blessings!
Sitting around until they are 45-50 and unmarried is the problem with most of your angry clients. “Waiting on God” does not mean that a woman should fold her arms and hide in her house with the expectation that her husband will appear. In fact seeking first the kingdom of God will have all this other things added unto you- meaning it is impossible to have a one on one relationship with God and still be idle, not fulfilling purpose and waiting for some man. It was in service that Ruth encountered Boaz. It was also in service that Rebecca encountered the servant that brought her to Isaac
I disagree with your article strongly. The reason Christian women are disappointed is because they are seeking the gifts and not the Giver. They have believed in a lie that marriage will be their source of happiness. Until women learn to seek God alone as their source of joy and happiness, they will be lurking around in the dating kissing frogs and piling baggage and heartbreak. God can and will definitely order the steps of a woman who is seeking His face and bring her to a man of whom she desires, and being as meticulous as He is, he gives as much confirmation to both parties. Please let’s not give excuses for our carnal desires while trying to have things both ways. It’s either trust God all out or you don’t.
Hi igxtelle. Thanks for your comment, While I respect your right to disagree with me, I do have a few questions: how would you know about my clients’ problems if you haven’t spoken to them? We can disagree, but I’m pretty protective about the women and men God called me to serve 🙂 Also, why is seeking marriage carnal? Who created it and said, “it was good?” There’s nothing wrong with seeking after a mate! As one of my non-Christian followers told me, “If Christians don’t date, where do little Christians come from?” Something for you to ponder 🙂
I am a Pastor and have been in the ministry for over 15 years and I absolutely love this article! Dr. Aesha, I understand the manipulation men and women who say they are of God try to use in relationships to attempt to keep people trapped or confused. Thank you for bringing clarity and truth to a very sensitive topic. I must say I encouraged my sister to think outside the box concerning dating. Her husband is a wonderful saved Christian husband and father. They have been married for 4 years but when they met he was not even attending church. Our family examined his fruit and took time to observe how he treated her. He displayed the fruit of the Spirit we desired for her and he knew he was marrying into a family of Prophets, Pastors, and intercessors. He wasn’t perfect but open to reason and teachable and now he is more active in church than my sister. Again thank you for such depth and insight on a fragile but real issue in our society.
Wow, Marie! That’s an incredible story. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Amen
Tell It
Yes ma’am! I agree! Its very apparent that the author wrote her story she never said if she confirmed with God concerning the (2) men who told her that God said she was their wife and of she married them for sure! But I think she’s missed YHWH (God) at his word! She mentioned about if this one marries the wrong person and this the next person marries the wrong person the world would be out of balanced……. Not true, anyone who believes in the all knowing one will know that he has it all figured out “when” that happens. He says his “word” will never return void, if he intends for you to marry he already sent the word out about your life the promise will be fulfilled! Moses was suppose to reach the promise but his “interceding/trying to please people” interfered with that but when he died the promise was still around the people and he was raising up another persons to fulfill the promise so Joshua was the successor and actually an “Ungraded” leader because he was prepared not to fail like Moses…… So see “Purpose” does matter to him! YHWH(God) is not a man that he shall lie. Marriage “the agreement” in marriage is so important to him that he makes marriage a covenant with himself. The writer I don’t think really understand “Marriage” is a calling, its a worship to God, its his 1st institution on earth. And how can you make something that has already been made? Divorce is at a high b/c no one is using spiritual principle……. Scripture says “Who can Find a faithful Man”……… No one but God! The problem is no one is taught the “Wisdom” is the principle thing…… That would have prevented her from having to ask his mom b/c if she has acknowledged God in all her way she would have already had that answer! Lucifer has indoctrinated some many people’s minds because he sounds like God he knows his voice intimately b/c he worshiped in his presence. You have to sync your ear to “KNOW” his voice and he’s telling me he didn’t inspire such unclear, unlearned article concerning his principles of marriage that is suggestive that he prefers you to use free will that consult with him concerning the fate of your soul…… The soul he never wants tied to certain things, b/c if “you” chose what you tie it to than “You” may not survive the rips when its tearing you apart!
Hello Somebody! I totally agree!
Please forgive her for speaking on the “mindset” of “Christians”. The ignorance on that breakdown of how a “type” of people conceptualize information is that she is 1 person that can not see the world through her neighbors eyes or mind to tell you their pattern of thought.
Lady! I can shout right there!!!!!! Truth! That’s exactly my sentiments! Many women think like that especially the younger one, mentor them and they are open about that! The really look for the “love and peace” to be happiness in marriage and when that newness wear off they move on to the next exciting thing all while still being married. Its a Soul rip that never become repaired of you don’t seek God! And by telling these women they can make a soulmate it further their helps decline their mental state to the “True” things of the spirit.
Marie and Aesha, you all are Pastors then why do you refer to the “believers” as “Christians”? You do know that’s a derogatory term created to mock the people who fellow Yahushua “Jesus” right? But when we’re talking “Truth” it means it compromised and watered down. In your efforts to alleviate God in reference to who you tie your soul to its immediately ignorant to suggest that just this 1 time its okay to abandon acknowledging God concerning who you yoke your soul with. Everybody keeps talking about a saved man, but that does not make him a faithful man b/c the bible say Only YHWH(God) can find a FAITHFUL man so how then do you justify choosing an who cheats??? You can watch people for year and that patient demon of list could be lying dormant and un dealt with and…… BOOM….. He shows up! You have to be Truthful without God choice you will land in “Permissive” will and your marriage or you will never fully live out intended purpose…… Just like Moses he will raise Someone Else up b/c you didn’t follow “HIS” perfect will for you. Just my 2 cents
Dr. Roberts I must respectfully disagree with many points in this article.
“I believe God is less concerned about who you marry as He is about how you get married. In other words, do you do it God’s way?”
I’m not really sure what you are saying here. Who you marry and how you marry are both equally important to God. In fact, the WHO determines the HOW. If you date an unbeliever who is not on the same path you are on in terms of celibacy/abstinence, you may find yourself rushing down the altar to simply appease them. If you date a believer who is not on the same spiritual level as you (especially for women) you may find yourself carrying the weight of the marriage on your shoulders instead of it being on your husband’s shoulders who is the head of the household.
“Too many Christians (women especially) are waiting for God to send them a mate. They’ve been waiting until they’re 45, 50.”
The problem I have with this sentiment is that it implies that something is WRONG with waiting on God. The Bible says to wait on the Lord and be of good courage (Psalm 27:14) and that those who wait on the Lord will not be made ashamed (Psalm 25:3). Perhaps, my sister, these 45 and 50 year old women are not merely just “waiting” on God, sitting at home, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for Mr. Right to knock on their door. Maybe they recognize that it is during this time that God is processing them. They have been through the hurt, the pain, the rejection of their early days and have resolved to pour their love and affection on the King, while they wait on their prince. They have lost track of time, intentionally, in God and no longer tap against the imaginary watch on their wrists. They have settled in it their heart that God’s timing alone is sufficient.
“Question: If there’s only one true love for you out of the billions of people living on planet Earth right now, what happens if you make the wrong choice?”
First, I do not believe the myth of the one true love, God is too infinite and vast for that. However, I do believe that you can marry the wrong person. The purpose of marriage is to help you fulfill your assignment in the earth. Eve was presented to Adam as a help-meet, not a wife. Adam MADE her a wife. If you are courting someone who is not an asset to your life, who is not pushing you towards God and the things of God, then you should not marry that person. If you marry them anyway, you will certainly be derailed from your destiny. It is not a matter of if, but when. Just ask King Solomon.
I am merely trying to get you to look at things from God’s perspective. As others have stated, with your first two exes you didn’t say if YOU prayed for confirmation. I assume that you didn’t. That is why you were confused. Had you sought the mind of God, He would have showed you what you eventually learned on your own. As believers, God wants to be apart of every aspect of our lives, especially marriage. Will God choose your mate? Yes! If you GIVE Him permission to. We are free moral agents, which means we have the right to choose. God will never violate this right. So by giving Him PERMISSION to invade your life according to Proverbs 3:6, Holy Spirit will certainly direct your path that leads to your future mate. But get this: you still have to choose to accept God’s choice! It’s like I can choose a pair of shoes for you, but you make the ultimate decision to wear them or not. You kind of made it seem like God didn’t play a role in you meeting your husband because your husband never mentioned God’s will, destiny or fate. But God did. I believe that if your husband had said anything about destiny or fate, it would have opened those wounds in your heart and turned you off instantly. God knew exactly what your husband needed to (not) say to win you. I would say that was destiny.
Well stated! A young lady at my church was engaged, became pregnant, and married a young man who is a non-believer. I can’t begin to tell you how pained I am, as she currently attends church on her own – her extended family also attends. In addition, I know that from the family’s cultural perspective, it was “better” for her to marry rather than to have a baby out of wedlock. But at what cost? To avoid being lonely at 45 or 50? I believe that God could turn this young man’s heart to Him, but in the mean time this young woman has quite a load – literally and figuratively.
Well said!
Well said Angela Nwaogu . Our paths have already been written so if our marriages fail it was to teach us something and to prepare us for that person that he has chosen, someone that he will tell us about not send the message thru the same man you think you are supposed to marry, now I’m a man (but not that kind of man) they will tell you anything you want to hear, men do it women do it,
If God tests you why oh why don’t we test our partners/future husband or wife? Test today for less regret tomorrow!!
This is not just a woman’s problem, I would like to think I’m a good man who truly nows God, a single parent bring up my daughter on my own (with the help of God) and yes her mother is still alive (I use the word mother loosely) my ex wife was my test to make me stronger and I thank her for that everyday when I pray, but I know that all has been written already, so I put my trust in the Lord above and understand that tomorrow could be my last day or the start of my life in Love with someone other than the Lord, with the person that he has chosen for me and me alone “in sickness and in health…..till death do we part…… I Love my God and he Love me so he will do me no wrong or give me more than I can bear. ???????? true Love is out there but it will take you and God to find it/him or her
Aesha Roberts please tell me what you think?
This was such a great article. As I respect everyones opinion about.the article, I feel.we receive the article based on how we perceive what was said, sometimes experience based and sometimes what we have been told and often our understanding of God. I do not feel God picked a particular “soulmate” but desires us to use his will as a soundboard and foundation when choosing. Understanding that the character of Christ is what we are to look for. I can’t imagine.the God I serve, knowing that we won’t all obey him or know his desire , when we first marry, would limit us and then be against divorce. I believe his graciously left us his Word, an applicable guide to how we should operate in our roles as husband and wife and the godly character we should grow into, that.will make any marriage work. Having the heart of God and his wisdom will tweak the success of marraiges. I feel marriage is a place for us to grow and learn to become more Christ like. With our flawed self, God’s love #Agape, and his principles will bring joy and satisfaction to any marriage when bith people learn to operate in their role his way. Any marriage. Because I feel he has no respect of persons.
Greatly stated sis
Just would like to add my 2 cents. There are two scriptures that you should read, concerning marriages. (From a Male perspective)
STOP USING BOAZ as an EXAMPLE.
First one is about Moses (Exodus 2:11-22) and how he met his wife. Moses was a non-believer until he met his wife, who happens to be one of seven daughters of a priest. She was a shepherdess, tending the sheep when Moses came to help defend her. Remember Moses left Egypt after killing an Egyptian and became a fugitive from Justice. He was also Unemployed. Moses went from a Highly paid Employee, down to merely a MAN, which some of you ladies may despise. Sorry to be blunt, but let me ask you this: What kind of a Man are you looking for? Reality is that you should not be looking but to be SEEN or FOUND.
Moreover, wife had a responsibility (taking care of the sheep). She also was a daughter of a priest. She seems like a vessel from the priest to a non-believer. She said “I found an Egyptian.” Her father said “Bring him in.” Her father brought Moses closer to God. This is a point the ALMOST ALL PREACHERS AND SCHOLARS MISSED when it came to Moses’ relationship with God. This all happened long before Moses saw at the Burning Bush. Ladies, when was the last time you invited a man to church? Remember, your husband is a man first without a title. Likewise, you are woman first without a title. We all got to know our roles and understand them before we can receive the next title.
STOP THE CAT-FIGHTS, PLEASE!!!!
Next scriptures. Jacob (the Trickster) The son of Isaac and Rebekah. The Brother of Esau. You know the story. He married two women. Fathered 12 children.
Jacob fell in love with Rachel. Worked hard for 14 years (like a fool) to obtain her in Marriage. He put his mind, body, and soul into the relationship. In one slip up, he had to marry Leah. She was considered second best, not worth looking at. Leah extended Jacob’s lifeline by bearing him more children than Rachel could. Which started one of the first cat-fights in the Bible. In the end, 12 children were born.
Who won the cat-fight? Rachel did. How? Jacob created a multicolor robe for his son, Joseph who was bored by Rachel. This was a testament of Jacob’s love for Rachel. For love his son more than all the other children. 2nd best maybe Benjamin. Who Knows?
There are 3 different type of women for one man:
1. She COMPLETES him in full. 2. The next best thing. 3. She is like everyone else.
Which one are you?
If you are in this situation, then I hope this help you out. Good luck in your search and God Bless You.
So true dr aesha, so much of the sisters in church waiting on God for mr right till they are 45 an up and making everybody else life a living hell they neey to date take chance and create mr right. Blessings.
My mother used to say, “I know better, now I do better.” A slave mentality programs a people to just sit and wait, tarry, be still; all of that mess, when other cultures get up and do. At one time, we had no choice but to sit and wait for things to happen because the opportunities either weren’t there or there was strong opposition to going after what you wanted. For a woman to sit and wait for a guy to choose here, she is reducing her chances at reaching her relationship goals; friendship, dating, marriage, kids, etc.
A 2013 poll shows 71% of Black women gave birth outside of marriage, and 35% of these mothers were unmarried and living together. Another 2014 poll shows that 84% of the Black women polled consider religion very important to them, as well as 59% attend church service regularly. In my view, the data just doesn’t support the idea that God is choosing mates for people. If this is the case, then it’s a select few. If marriage is supposed be such a holy union, then why such dismal numbers of successful marriages.
I submit that marriage isn’t a union determined on a third party, or entity, but a relationship between two consenting adults who enjoy either others company enough to want to do what’s right and respect and support each other’s journey. I also contend that we should be working towards making sure our Black males stop choosing lifestyles that lead them to the prison system, and fight the branches of the government to end the racial profiling that contributes to these extremely high numbers of incarceration rates. As well as teaching our boys and girls to respect both themselves as well as the opposite sex. The answer isn’t this simple, but if we can resolve just these three things, then we can lower the 71% of unwed mother, and 35% cohabitation statistics drastically, and increase the marriage percentages. None of this is hocus pocus stuff, it’s about actually doing the work to resolve problems instead of putting the blame on God for something we should have the wherewithal to take care of ourselves.
Worthy reading…
food for thought…
I appreciate…
Most, if not all, you said here are true and right.
Thanks
Salvation is eternal, yet God does not choose that for us, why would He do that in a life partner, a union that is temporary. We need to listen to God. Thanks Aesha.
Aesha how does one have a private conversation with you? I’d like your insight.
Hi Tiffany, it’s Dr. Aesha. You can contact me at my website: https://aeshaonline.com/contact
Hi Tiffany, it’s Dr. Aesha
You can contact me here: https://aeshaonline.com/contact
I totally agree with you. God will tell you by his spirit if that person is the one, He will also gives you warnings about the person but it’s up to us to listen.
I believe some took this article to mean God shouldn’t be involved in the dating process. We have to remember that dating is a western ideal. I do agree that we should be active participants in our dating life. I don’t believe God wants us waiting on a man to fall from heaven but we have to come from behind the door with wisdom of who we are in God and what that means for our life. It means finding the one we can grow with, walk wit, get old with. It may not look like we want but it just may be what we need. He may not go to church 4days a week, he may not only listen to Christian music, or quote the Bible forwards and backwards. Perfection isn’t what we should look for but someone who can be one with you mind, body and spirit. Yes we have to stop being afraid of stepping out and dating. Strong relationships are not born they are created and since we are on a journey with Christ yes he wants someone we can journey with too. If we use what God has given us we can walk in the power of who he created us to be including being the right one for the right one.
I actually agree with you. I remember a man walked into my life when I was 16..he said to me God told him to be with me.this guy fasted like there was no tomorrow…I was totally convinced but I always felt that it wasn’t right. Anyway I ignored that feeling (discression of spirits) and dated him. He actually mentally abused me and manipulated me to a point I felt like I didn’t want to be a Christian anymore but I knew salvation was personal . Some people will not agree with this article unless they have seen it for themselves. I’m not saying that all guys that say it are wrong no. However, God will show you and tell you too. There is no confusion .Secondly , that little feeling is discretion utalise it. I remember saying to one of my fellow Christians what if a guy comes to you and says “God told me to be with you” he looked at me and said that is a shallow man. A man who is meant to be with will put in work and show you his fruits. Maybe he is meant to be with u as a teacher or perhaps a friend but don’t just say OK because he says that. Remember always that the bait the devil uses is seasoned with your secret desire. He isn’t stupid. Pray and follow “that little strong feeling ”
I’m not saying its the case with everyone NO. But let the fruit speak louder than his words. Don’t be unequally yolked. With me, the guy used to tell me how much he probably would have been with X,Y or Z but he HAD to be with me.. To me, i felt like he didn’t love me but it was a duty. I also watched him flirt with women.. It sounds stupid now but this was the guy that was working so closely with the pastor so I trusted his words.
Don’t let your man be the only one praying. Set a standard and stick to it and pray. Not everyone who uses those words mean them be careful .. I probably sound like a fool but honestly , be careful. We are in this world but not of this world. Even God will reject some so called Christians by saying I never knew you. Likewise , watch them and pray don’t just believe it.
Aisha, I loved this article. Do I think God has a mate in store for us or the “best” one? Perhaps. But I think the concept of preparing yourself to make the best CHOICE…IS in line with God’s nature. He gave us the power of choice in all things, why would this be any different? I also find it interesting that you met and married your husband in a span of 11 months when he SAID he wasn’t trying to get married. I love that! God works it out for us all in different ways, and thank you for challenging us to consider this from another perspective.
Wow! Now you should write a book. This was right on point and the “key” is to allow God! Give him permission! Yes indeed!
When I read the title of this post I knew I had to read it. As I read it, I was convicted. I realized if I’m not obedient to share my experiences to bless others, someone else will. Thank you for sharing. I can relate quite a bit to your story. It took me three tries, enduring three pseudo relationships that spanned years before I realized the lesson The Lord was trying to teach me about relationships and marriage. I do understand the message you’re trying to share. I’ve experienced it first hand. I believe some won’t understand if it’s never been a trap in which they’ve found themselves. I also know the level of shame and paralysis that goes along with this belief. We feel to “move” from the position we’re in will be an indictment of our faith. I remember feeling that moving away from relationships that were blatantly toxic on many levels would mean I didn’t have enough faith for God to “work it out.” Our Heavenly Father wants what’s best for us. In my case, I realized He was always there, inquiring of me, “Do you believe this is my best for you?” Best doesn’t mean perfection, because no one is perfect. But I do believe we’ll know what works for us. And the feeling and decision regarding marriage will be mutual. At least that was my experience, but I learned the hard way. My husband was one who would certainly say he wasn’t looking when he stumbled upon me. We give all credit to the Holy Spirit for leading us and connecting us at the time in which He saw fit. What was most important to me is that we (my husband and I) worked to keep our eyes fixed securely upon God. To seek His face, His counsel, His wisdom, His grace and His mercy in a decision such as marriage that is so amazingly Godly and life altering. What my now husband found was a woman who’d been preparing her heart for a husband. Today, it breaks my heart to see and hear women in the misguided, misinformed place in which I spent so many years. Only a few years ago I would have (and was) leading my fellow single sisters to that place, just like me. We all thought it was right. I believe we’re often misled in our churches and taught incorrectly. I think we subconsciously believe that if we can say “God told me he’s my husband” we’ll be devoid of any of the challenges that come with two different people coming together in marriage. Everyone’s story will be so different, yet we’re almost led to believe there’s a one size fits all formula. God is so much more creative than that. We must remember, as you said, to look for fruit. If you think he’s sent from God, but he’s treating you like dirt, neglecting you, etc, his fruit is far from Godly. Does his heart reflect that of the Father, even amidst his shortcomings? I’m a writer as well, so I know sometimes our words aren’t always understood as we intended them. Today, I thank God for your intent and ask that His perfect will and wisdom will mix with your intent to penetrate the hearts of those who need those words at this time. That’s really all that matters. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this article. I really enjoyed it. I find that its pretty common amongst believers to stay in an unhealthy relationship because they think God told them ‘this is who I want you to marry’. I think our perception of God has to change, to think God would force us to stay into an unhealthy relationship reflects how messed up our view of Him really is. It’s this type of religious thinking that bounds people. Like you mentioned above, believers stay in a relationship out of fear because they don’t want to be out the will of God, but God is good and does only good, He doesn’t force, everything He does leads us into liberty and faith. Glad I finally found an article on this subject.
My case is perculiar. I wasnt even looking. I had made a personal commitment to jus stay single for d nxt few years and focus on God and my career. I had this strong feeling dis lady in church was d one. I askd her out and she said she was with someone. Now there is dis devastating feeling cos i felt happy and contented being alone until i had ds pseudo-epiphany
I really enjoyed reading this article. I had dated two men, during different times, who claimed to be my husband but I discerned different answers(meaning NO) from God. We must remember that the enemy also hears our prayers. Im not dating neither one of those ungodly spirits!
I believe the flaw in this article and in most Christians’ lives is that we try to explain the bible with our experience. The bible says this, but that happened to me so the bible must mean that. The experiences in the bible can be categorized into three: the ideal, the norm and the exception.
Jesus is the ideal. One hundred percent perfect, without sin, fulfilled his ministry on the earth accurately and is seated on the right hand of the father.
In marriage matters for example, Hosea’s story is an exception, he married a prostitute. For the New Testament believer, God has made it clear that we must not be yoked together with an unbeliever.
The norm is what we must be after because that is God’s expectation for us. God is interested in who you marry, where you live, what job you do, and even how many children you have because God is a planner. He didn’t save you to leave you on your own to navigate this world on your own like a sheep without shepherd. The fact that two brothers said God told them does not mean God really told them. God is not a frivolous God, neither is He an author of confusion. If God spoke to them, He would have communicated with you too. Because you preached three hours non-stop to an unbeliever and yet he/she refused to get born again doesn’t mean God is no more in the business of saving souls. So also, because three brothers told you God said you were the one and none of them was right for you doesn’t mean God is no more communicating to people about who they’ll marry. Don’t judge God’s Word by your experiences. Rather, take your experiences back to God in prayer and let Him show you what is not adding up.
Shalom!
Deb,you have hit the nail on the head. God is interested in every aspect of our lives. The single problem that we Christians often have is not bring led by the Spirit into all truth. The truth is a vast majority don’t have that experience. And when they even do, they can’t wait for God to work it out by being patient with Him. Those said to have been ‘waiting’ on God till they are 45, 50 years. How are we sure they have been waiting on Him? God wants the best for all His Children but not all of His children will get His best if they don’t know Him or how He leads them. The solution, however,is seeking to know the Father and how He leads.