Sometimes couples cannot find resolutions to issues they have in marriage and decide to separate from each other. Many times, couples go as far as getting a legal separation which allows them to legally live apart while keeping the marriage in existence. I think a couple should try marriage counseling before someone moves out of the house. If after counseling a couple’s problems cannot be resolved, there needs to be a serious discussion about whether they need to stay married. I believe couples should be careful about a separation because it leaves too many doors open that should remain closed. I’ve shared two major issues that can lead a couple from separation to divorce.
What’s behind door number one? Adultery. When a couple is separated, one or both partners may feel they are free to have other relationships. This could be implied or stated by the couple. Even if the couple agrees to see other people while they are separated, adultery is still being committed. But what if the couple states that the other is not to date and someone breaks that agreement? Not only has the trust been broken, but what if the wife gets pregnant by someone else or the husband gets someone else pregnant? The probability of divorce increases.
What’s behind door number two? Unsympathetic friends and family. There may be friends and family members that didn’t want the couple together to start with. Now they have the opportunity to pounce on the vulnerable spouse. They may tell the person that their spouse is unworthy and should proceed with divorce even if the person is not ready to take that step. The couple needs to be careful with information they share with friends and family especially if the friend and/or family member has no desire to encourage or be a source of support. What happens if the vulnerable couple allows a friend or family member to voice too much of a negative opinion about their spouse? The probability of divorce increases.
Separations may work for some couples if the time apart is brief. For some couples separation may be what keeps the marriage together. However, if a couple is not willing to work on the marriage and sees separation as a way to have a break from being married, their careless actions may come with harmful consequences. If a couple chooses separation as a resource to work on their marriage, they should be upfront and honest about the expectations during the separation. Careful thought needs to be given to the decision because a separation can be a stepping stone to divorce.
BMWK – Do you think separation can lead to divorce?
We been married almost 3 years & honestly it was doomed from the start-but in my heart of hearts-i wanted to give it a try..prayer does changes things-well it has changed me to want to remain right by God; for him-we have no love, no respect for each other & i have considered stepping out in my marriage. I have asked him to leave so we both can have a piece of mind–he is an alcoholic, my depression has gotten worse since we been together &im trying to keep out of the hospital & off meds–at times i rather die than stay another day in my marriage/under the same roof–and my oldest daughter takes both of us for granted & he listens & respects her more than me..i have prayed & asked GOD to remove them both from under my roof & away from my space so i can be happy again..for me-separation & divorce is whats gonna keep us alive-apart.
PScott,
Have you asked him for a divorce? Also, you must get help for your depression. I don’t want you to get addicted to meds or feel like you want to die. Please feel free to email me at [email protected].
PScott,
Please call 1-800-273-TALK.
If they are bold enough to cheat while married, albeit separated, then they would do that anyway. Every fool and they momma knows that separation DOES NOT mean divorced/not married. Separation was just a tool to use as an excuse to swerve on the side. If you have to worry about that while separated, worry about that while living together because the marital status did not change. Divorce in this case should be an option. If the family can penetrate the marriage while apart, then nothing will stop them while you live together. What was described was a weak marriage to begin with. Separation does not lead to divorce. People lead to divorce.
Im going through problem number one in my marriage now. I have been married to my husband for three yrs now and we have never lived together and we have a 9 month old. My husband is having an affair and has gotten this woman pregnant. i am so hurt and dont know what to do. I want to stay married to my husband. He wants to leave the marriage for a while to fix his problems and he is also asking for space. Now im wondering where all this leaves me?
Lr I sent you an email.
My husband and I have been separated for more than a year. During the first few months I literally thought I would die. To say that I was depressed, would be an understatement. To say that I absolutely hated the ground he walked on would be accurate. I resented that he stayed in our 2500 sf house while my kids and I were in a crowded apartment. From my perspective, his actions were the ones that broke up our marriage. I resented the fact that for months he paid no child support while my children and I struggled. I hated how he got to play hero on the weekends (and on Facebook) while I was the drill sergeant who kept the kids in schools, kept a roof over their heads, kept food on the table, and tried to maintain some sense of sanity when our world was falling apart. I thought nothing could be worse than the death of my mother, yet this last year was far worse than that. Even still, I have no regrets. I learned so much about who I am as a woman and a mother. To borrow words from the great Whitney Houston, I truly didn’t know my own strength. Despite the tears, I pressed on. Despite being unemployed for seven months, these three children (under age 9) have not missed one meal. Despite not receiving one dime of child support for eight months, we have a roof over heads. It’s not the big house I left but we have hope for a better tomorrow. For better or worse (no pun intended), I learned the kind of man that he was and is. While we were together, I truly could not recognize the truth for what it was. The separation was the wake up call that I needed to make a very needed change. Does separation lead to divorce? I don’t know. Every couple is different. But I don’t think that’s the point. Not all relationships are meant to last forever, and a separation may help a couple realize if they need to move in another direction.
I know exactly where you’re coming from Monique!! My husband and I have been separated for…it’ll be 2 years in September. He of course had a relationship with this other woman for an entire year. I left, moved to NY for a job & took a job in NY. We were crammed in a little apartment up there too and he also went over a year without helping support his children because he was too busy tricking off on his mistress. Over the past year and a half, we’ve been going back and forth, back and forth. When our daughter had her surgery in Oct 11 he was all goo goo eyed with his then mistress, so my attempts to reconcile fell on deaf ears, then when he tried, his attempts fell on deaf ears. So we’ve never been able to be on the same page.
Fast forward to the present, I’ve since moved and bought a house. He’s been paying child support for a couple months now since I hounded his chain of command. Our relationship, however, has made more negative strides than positive ones. There are days when I wish we were divorced already, but there are also days where I wish it could just all work out and we could be a family again, but I’m sure that’s just wishful thinking…perhaps I want something that’s not meant for me to have, which would explain why it hasn’t worked out yet. In any event, I’m ready to move on with life. If I’m not gonna stay married I want to date, but I feel akward dating while married, so for the past two years It’s just been about my kids…
Monique, I’m sorry the marriage did not work out, but I am glad to hear that you and your kids survived. You are stronger than you realize.
Anna Mae,
Do you want to go to counseling with your husband or are you ready to end the marriage?
Depends on the day….both lol I don’t think he’s willing, I’m pretty sure he just cussed me out a couple weeks ago when we got into yet another argument over “her” lol What I’m ready for is some type of resolution so I don’t have to live my life in limbo, and..at this point, I don’t even care what that is, I just want it to happen fast! He lives in TX, I’m in GA. It’s been forever and ummm, a girl has needs 🙂
Anna Mae I hate to hear that ou are in limbo. Make sure you make the right decision and I pray all works out for you. Take care!
Serious prayer n time with The Lord changes things. I know 1st hand what God can do. If want God to move n ur situation get serious with him n he will get serious about ur situation n u will have the best outcome for UR situation.
I’ve been separated since 1-1-11. Husband had/has on/off affair with young teenage girl. Had a baby as well. Some days are better than others…
I have been married almost three years and it has truly come to a point where I no longer want to be in this marriage. Unfortunately whenever we have a disagreement it turns into an arguement. The issue is that he says iam always playing the victim when I am simply trying to bet my feelings out. In other words he is never wrong. We got to a point were we decided a divorce was best…but now he is acting as if nothing happed. Anytime I try to have a convo with him about issues….he shuts down. Iam unhappy and I want to get me back again. Oh yes and I have ayoung child. Any advice would help!…..thxs
Nae, I am sorry about the problems you are having. When you talk to your husband, try to say how you feel. Try not to be accusatory by saying “you”. If you want to save the marriage I encourage you both to attend marriage counseling. You’re still new to the marriage so you are going to go through a period of really learning each other. I have been married 16 years and I was looking for a divorce attorney in the second year so I know how you feel. My feelings got hurt a lot but with God, our marriage is strong and we both had to grow up and grow together. It is possible to save the marriage, start praying and try counseling. Feel free to email me at enjoyingyourmarriage @yahoo.com. Be blessed.
Separation does make chances of reconciliation harder. My husband has started divorce proceedings and is trying to get out of the marriage with false claims and deceit. I’ve hired a Christian attorney who works for a Christian law firm to protect my rights as a mother as well as my financial well-being. I thank God that He provides while my husband does not. I am standing for my marriage no matter how difficult things are and how bad things seem. I hurt more for our young daughter who will be three soon because she adores her daddy. I’m learning to extend grace to my husband because I know that the enemy has a stronghold on him. If the divorce is granted, I want to be able to say that I was transformed and that I did all that I could to save my marriage. I want to be the woman that my daughter admires. I am raising a future wife and I never want her to take her vows for granted because things are hard. At the end of the day, I also made a covenant with God and just because my husbands has broken his, I won’t break mine. Marriage is not meant to make you happy but to be a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the church. God has never divorced me so I won’t divorce him.
Mrs. LRS.
I’m sorry you are going through a divorce and I am glad you are thinking about your daughter. I am so glad to hear that you want to fight for your marriage but do know that if God does not change your husband’s heart He could have someone else for your. Your situation will be a testimony for others, be blessed.
I have been seperated 10 yrs today. My estranged husband had an affair and produced several children. It was hard @ first but it got easier with time. We didnt have children together, so my decision to leave wasn’t hard. It’s funny how God works because believe it or not, we are very good friends. He’s still up to his same tricks but his tricks are not my problem anymore, lol!
I am not suggesting couples stay together for the children, not always the right answer… But if and when you leave, please be real, real slow to bring another into your life. Especially if lead by sexual needs… seriously, join an exercise class but don’ t be haste to put your struggling children through by chasing “your” needs and not theirs…. Divorce is more than a separation of husband and wife but of the whole amity, kids included. The kids need to see you focus on them, they did not choose divorce but they have to learn to walk it out, just like you. I am no expert, just a child who parents divorced and one who married a divorced man with two children. I came into the marriage seven years after my husband’s divorce .. It takes time to heal… Don’t rush, focus on the kiddos primarily. Thank The Lord, we have been married ten years and have two children together…!! It’s good but no joke the kids from the first marriage have had to dal with some stuff… Counseling should be sought for the exes and the kids.
I have been married for 15 years. We just recently separated. We have 3 kids. He has had affairs. I have forgiven him. He said he wanted to move out to work on himself but he is only finding blame with me. I’m not perfect and have made plenty of mistakes an have tried to correct them but he won’t let go of the past. But he expects me to forget everything he has said and done to me. I have asked him over and over again about counseling and he refuses. What do you do when your spouse is not making an effort to fix the marriage.
HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK!!!
Thank you for your article! It touches my heart deeply because I have recently went through something similar case .About 3 years ago my husband left me and 2 of our kids for 3years to another woman. During this years of our separation I was so broken, so I finally went to a friend of mine who directed me to a spell caster Dr. Akim who helps me in reuniting my family and then i felt peace and felt whole love again. After the casting of the love spell, My Ex-husband offered me a job, to work at his His company. so I obeyed and went. After working together in 1 week we had come closer & starting dating and hanging out as a family with the kids again, Dr. Akim has restored our marriage in a way I have NEVER expected, but I’m truly Thankful!
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Best Regards