Permission Slip (n)””a slip given out to a child when a parent’s permission is needed to attend an event. The event is usually promised to be lots of fun””mainly because you get to leave your regular settings and enjoy other people’s company.
Before I got married, I enjoyed the fact that I was able to come and go as I pleased. If I wanted to stay out to 4am I could”” no one was going to question me because I was grown. When I got married and had kids I felt a sense of responsibility (albeit respect), that if I was going to stay out late with my friends I needed to call and/or text my husband to let him know that I’d be out late. There are times when I call home to make sure that it’s fine for me to go to the mall with friends or to get some quiet time away from the house. In return if he’s going out he will let me know in advance and check in with me if he stays out late. This practice cuts down on confusion and helps us have a household where both of us respects one another’s time.
However, sometimes one of us makes plans without knowing that the other already has something planned. For example, I may have planned to go to the hair salon, but he’s already made plans to go play basketball with his friends. Or there have been plenty of times we’ve BOTH wanted to go out with our friends, but because one of us was sick, stressed out, or down in the dumps we decided to stay at home to comfort one another.
For years, we operated our marriage like this until one day I overheard one of my husband’s friends say something that made me rethink what we did in our marriage.
One night my husband decided to stay out late, and he called to let me know (so I would not have dinner waiting on him). As he hung up the phone, I overheard one of his married friends say, “Man you’re good. I never ask my wife’s permission to go anywhere. I go where I please and do what I want!”
As I got off the phone, I felt some type of way about that remark.
Were we wrong for getting one another’s okay if we had plans with our friends or if we stayed out late? Was I technically making my husband sign a “permission slip” every time he decides to hang out with his friends at the local bar? Was I getting my slip signed when I called home and let my husband know I was going to get a bite to eat with my friends? Why didn’t we just come and go like his friend did? I mean we are grown…right?
However, it made think. Is it necessary to get your spouse’s permission before you go out? For us, of course it is. With a growing family and multiple responsibilities, we want to make sure we respect our time as both a family and as individuals. However, it’s more than just asking for permission to go out. It has more to do with us being respectful of one another’s time.
While my husband friend’s remarks bothered me, they also made me think about his situation. What if his wife felt devalued and underappreciated because her husband did not appreciate her time? What if this behavior was dividing their marriage? I have no idea but for me and my husband our “permission slips” help keep us accountable to one another.
BMWK, do you and your spouse check in with each other if you’re going out or staying late? Why/Why not?
Erica B. says
I think your husband’s friend sounds extremely disrespectful to his wife. Surely you ONLY wrote this post because the topic made good fodder. And you’re not considering modeling your relationship after the friend’s?! Misery loves company. Dude is trying to put ideas in your husband’s head so he can have a buddy to hang with more often.
I wouldn’t call it getting a “permission slip” signed. It’s simply respect… and letting the other person know you’re not dead. I would give a roommate that amount of respect.
Tonya C. says
This. All of this. We have children together. I am his next of kin. It’s not about getting permission, it’s about making sure the responsibilities of our household are covered, about knowing where he is if something goes awry. He should question what’s going on behind the scenes if his wife let’s him ‘come and go as he pleases’ with no complaints. She may not be sad to see him go…
Jackie Bledsoe, Jr. says
Great point Tonya…”making sure the responsibilities of our household are covered, about knowing where he is if something goes awry.” Most couples and friends of the couples understand this.
Ronnie_BMWK says
I agree with Erica…it is about respect for your spouse. If you are working together as a team, then you should coordinate with each other and help each other make plans that are good for the entire family.
If your husband’s friend is not checking in with his spouse..then perhaps he is leaving a lot of the family responsibilities on his wife…..while he is coming and going as he pleases. I don’t know him..but I’m just sayin!!
When you are working together as a team, then communication is needed. So the way you and your husband have been doing it sounds good to me.
Nae says
Agreed with all that has been said thus far. My fiance and I operate the same way, not out of a desire for control but merely respect.
djrelat7 says
I’m not married yet, but me and my boyfriend check in throughout the day and at night we discuss what we’re doing the next day and vise versa. Like you said out of respect for the other person, its common courtesy to just say I’m here or I’ll be here until or Friday if you have plans I’ll make plans or if you’re staying in I’ll come over. I don’t know your husband’s friend but I am almost 80% sure that his wife is not happy with that situation, either she hasn’t said anything to him yet or it will eventually hit the fan. …Nothing wrong with permission slips for adults at all, happy healthy relationships require communication. <3
Jackie Bledsoe, Jr. says
Great post Franchesca! I think you summed it up great…it is a matter of respect. Some people just don’t understand respect.
nylse says
I don’t call it a permission slip but respect and courtesy. Neither of us is asking the other permission to go out, but because we know and love each other we check in with each other on everything – works for us.
Anyhow men have egos (sometimes to their detriment) and when they’re around each other they sometimes say and do dumb things in an effort to out do each…they call it being henpecked, but the henpecked men aren’t complaining.
BossyGirl says
Now that’s a word !!! Henpecked !! LOL
Animate says
My wife and I operate pretty much the way you described. We let the other know if we have plans and go from there.
As far as the husband’s friend, take that at ear value. Men joke around like this constantly. There is a good chance his actions and words do not line up. Ask the wife how things are from her perspective and you may get a different story.
BossyGirl says
Exactly his wife will probably say something very different!
Greg says
If both have a understanding and respect for.one another. time and each. other nothing wrong with checking i. so to speak.
Greg says
If u getting pecked by the right hen than nothing wrong with being hen pecked hen as the blues record said!
Greg says
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Steve says
I think I’m almost at the point where I hate going out, because I’m just under too many restrictions that I can’t even relax or I return home and get a verbal “smack with a newspaper in the nose”. Its kind of depressing. I think its safe to say that my curfew is 10pm even if I leave out at 9pm.
Andrew says
Good article. There is a difference between asking for permission to go out and letting someone know what you are doing. When you ask for permission, the person you are asking is the authority figure and can over rule you in wanting to do something that you would like to do because they said no. It seems like a lot of comments above are just letting their mates know what is going on for the day but not asking for permission. If you have to ask someone if you can go and do something then I don’t feel that you need to and it has nothing to do with respecting the other person. Now, you can let them know this is what I have planned for the day and if it is not in conflict with the family plans then it is ok for me to decide to go a do it. Many men complain about having to ask their woman for permission when they don’t have to ask but just let her know what is going on. Many women will tell you that he better ask her for a kitchen pass which is ridiculous to me which shows that she has no respect for him. No, a spouse doesn’t need to ask for permission but check in with their mate only.