by Esther Boykin,

Despite our best intentions to focus on family and love, the holiday season is often one of the busiest and most stressful times of year for families.  With parties to plan and shopping lists to check off, many couples find that romance takes a back seat to obligations and efforts to create a “perfect” Christmas.  But it doesn’t have to be this way.  With a little effort, you can incorporate date night into your hectic holiday schedule and give each other the gift of connection this season.

Sneak it in.

One of the things that I miss most about dating as a teen is the sense of adventure.  In our quest to establish our independence at that age we often are selective (even secretive) about the details we told our parent’s about our dating life.  Reclaim that under-cover lover attitude and find a reason to slip out of family functions or ditch your older kids at home to make time for romance.  Everyone will think you’re off buying some grand surprise for them and you can enjoy some peace and quiet together without guilt.

Get the family involved.

It’s unfortunate but for many black families there simply aren’t enough relationship role models.  If you’re lucky enough to have parents or grandparents who model loving connections then encourage them to take the lead in making date night a priority for every couple.  If you don’t have a model, become the model.  Take the opportunity to not only show your family that you value your marriage, but to also talk about how you keep things on track.  Date night is critical to a happy and healthy relationship, so why not encourage all the couples in your family to join you on a family date night.  Get the older kids to watch the younger ones and go out for a multi-generational date.  Or swap evenings with your siblings or cousins so each couple has the opportunity to go out and experience the gift of romance this season.

Make it a tradition.

One of the keys to a successful marriage and family is creating traditions.  Whether it’s as simple as the bedtime routine you have for your child or an annual summer vacation, rituals create a sense of belonging and happy anticipation for everyone involved.  For most people some of the happiest memories of family center around traditions so why not begin a date night tradition?  Decide on a place to go or an experience you want to have as a couple each year and then make it happen.  It only takes a couple of years in a row to turn a fun date into a lasting tradition that adds to the joy and meaning of the holiday season.

Forget perfection and just do what’s possible.

I have to confess that this is a trap that I often fall into this time of year.  I have visions of ice skating under romantic twinkle lights and snuggling in front a fire, sipping tea looking at a perfectly decorated tree.  The reality is that for date night to happen at this time of year it’s going to be a quick cappuccino at Starbucks while out shopping or a late night dinner after hours of wrapping gifts and sending out cards.  Perfection is the enemy of contentment and completion.  This holiday season let go of your need to have the “ideal” date night and figure out what’s feasible in your life at the moment.  Trust me, you will quickly find out that the most perfect moments are the ones when you just let go of expectations and focus on just having fun.

Esther Boykin, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist, relationship coach, author, and CEO of Group Therapy Associates, a counseling and coaching agency in Northern Virginia.  She is passionate about helping people build healthier and happier relationships through counseling, coaching, and classes.  Esther recently published her first book, The Date Deck… ‘cause every couple needs a date night, and is currently working on her second relationship book due out in early 2014.