Men, what would make your Christian wife want to leave you quick fast and in a hurry? That’s the question I asked my wife. With great passion, she started breaking down the reasons why. She referenced examples from our 16 years of marriage and 14 years of mentoring couples in our business, Family Bootcamp. It got serious!
3 Reasons Why Your Christian Wife Wants to Be Single Again
In this article:
I can feel some men already getting defensive. Calm down. This is not male bashing. I have neither the time nor the inclination to heighten my acclaim by denigrating others. So let’s have an honest and respectful conversation about why your wife might secretly want to leave you. If these points don’t apply to you, then God bless you. However, if they do, then take heed to these recommendations…and God bless you too.
1. “Why do I Have to Make All the Decisions?!”
My wife’s #1 reason was: “She makes all the decisions.” As she put it, “No woman wants a soft man.” Meaning, no woman feels secure with an “indecisive, wimpy man” that’s scared to take initiative or stand up for what he believes in. “A woman wants a man that knows how to make decisions”…tough decisions…one she can put her trust in. If you fail to make these decisions, “or seem wishy-washy about the decisions you make”, how can you expect her to feel secure?
For the record, she’s not talking about a man who makes unilateral decisions without consulting his wife. Or a man who makes decisions by thumping his chest and screaming, “I’m the head of this household! You have to submit to me!”
That’s a sign of weakness…not decisiveness.
Hint: If you have to announce your status or title to gain compliance, you’ve already lost.
She’s talking about a man who takes initiative to come up with a plan or suggestion to be discussed…instead of waiting for his wife to initiate everything. If this applies to you, then start making good decisions by initiating solutions for small task-oriented problems so that you can get some quick wins.
Be prepared to discuss your reasoning with your wife to gain buy-in. This will build confidence in your decision making. Then gradually begin initiating solutions to more important issues in your marriage.
2. “Can I Get Some Help Around Here?!”
If your woman feels like you’re not helping her do anything (i.e., helping with the household responsibilities), she feels like she might as well be by herself. She’d rather take all the responsibilities and do it by herself instead of hoping you will share in the responsibilities…only to be let down.
In other words, “you’re more like a liability…like her third or fourth child.
And your wife wishes you weren’t there.” But this can be easily fixed. Start helping out! Begin by taking over one or two responsibilities your wife already does. This will help lighten her load…and gain you much appreciation in the process.
3. “Why Can’t You Just Do What You Say You’re Gonna Do?!”
“You don’t follow through with what you say you’re going to do.” This one frustrated my wife the most. “You either do the opposite of what you say, or you do nothing.” Either way, you are driving your wife crazy. That will make a woman want to leave you with the quickness.
There’s a Proverb that says, “Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble is like a broken tooth, and a foot out of joint.” (Pro 25:19 KJV).
That verse is saying, such a man is unreliable, unsupportive and very painful to have around.
Don’t be that dude.
Don’t let your word be like a broken tooth. Or your actions be reliable as a broken foot. Be a man of integrity in both word and deed. This will garner trust in you and security for your wife. Then she might think about staying.
This by no means is an entire list. Cheating, physical and substance abuse were three that I started to add. But these are my wife’s points. And her points highlight some serious issues that can have the Christian wife contemplating some tough decisions about the future of their marriage.
So, Christian husband, if you have any long-term, ongoing, reoccurring issues in your marriage, I advise you to check in with your wife to see how you’re doing in these three areas above. Take the initiative and have this tough conversation. And if you’re too reluctant to do so, that may give you a clue on how you’re doing.
BMWK — What can you do to make sure your Christian wife doesn’t want to leave you?
Up Next: Warning: 5 Things That Can Cause Resentment in Your Marriage
Editor’s Note: BMWK originally published this post on April 10, 2014. We have updated it for quality and relevancy.
4. “I am even expected to have sex with him, even though I have no satisfaction or fulfillment from the marriage.”
All women hear is that they should never deny their men sex because “that’s the way men channel their emotions.” No matter what men are and aren’t doing, they should not be denied. I have yet to hear men analyze the situation, and own the reasons for why women refrain from being intimate with them.
If her emotional/metal needs are not being met due to uncaring, negligence, selfishness etc, then why should she want to have sex with someone like that? If she is tired after a day of work, errands, chasing kids, then is she right to be tired? What if he is fat/lazy, not the same hot body that wooed her? entitled? Maybe you suspect the he cheats and want to refrain until you know the truth. What if he is one of those guys who expect submission, and take God’s word to mean that because his organ dangles between his legs, he can lord over her. Yeah, real sexy. Does he listen to her? Say what you want, but there are times where a women cannot justify even thinking about sex with her husband. I’m getting married, and I don’t want a MAN in name only. I cannot submit to blind leadership, someone who doesn’t make good decisions. Guys need to handle their business.
You said a mouthful with that one! Honestly in my personal experience that could have been number 1
This is such a real issue and you said it well and said it right!!!!
Ed Young says
As a Christian man and husband I can see and understand 1-3. However. #4 is your fault. Men aren’t mind readers. It also doesn’t require a ton of extras for us to warm up, get ready, and finish. You need to tell us what you need and want.
Regarding #1, so many good Christian men have been puked out by church and feminine agenda. Too many don’t want to make the wrong, unpopular, man move and be penalized forever.
We do need to pitch in and do more. There again, if you don’t ask, you will not receive.
Wow your post was right on time. As a married woman, this is something I’m dealing with right now. An indecisive, insecure man, like having a 3rd child.
Carolyn Keys says
Hoooonneeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! Whew chile!
I agree with everything you said. I’m dealing with this also.
Nailed it on the head! I’m scared to share with my spouse because I don’t want him to get defensive. Ugggghhhhhh
One of the commenters invited her husband to read the first article I wrote, “4 Reasons Why Your Christian Husband Wants to be Single Again”. https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2014/04/4-reasons-why-your-christian-husband-wants-to-be-single-again/
Then she asked him to read the flip side from the female’s point of view. I though this was a good strategy. Thought I’d share.
Yes that’s good!
Just to encourage all those who made the above coments. Please exercise patience and be very prayerful by september my marriage will be 14 years. When we first got married, i was doing everything, paying rent, utility bills, children school fees car maintenance and the likes (some people thought i beged my husband to marry me) i was always very sad, but as a christian and a minister of the Ghospel i could not leave, i kept praying and hoping, today God has turned things around for me, my husband pick every bill, when i sit down downcast, he will be encouraging me that all will be well, i see him seeking my wellbeing and that of my children, several times he will tell me “i will handle that, is there anything else you want me to do” am on honey moon, enjoying my marriage now like i never did before! So sisters, pray and exercise great patience ALL WILL BE WELL. Shalom
Like the war room. It was hard for to have patience with husband. But i have faith that God will make him the man he needs to be. Thanks
Thanks for sharing that. It’s so encouraging at times. One part of you is fighting spiritually and the part is wondering if you have just dedicated your life to something that will break you down physically and emotionally. I appreciate the encouragement. Shalom
Jessica Keller says
Funny how the “wife” has three reasons…while the “husband” has four! Consider “I am even expected to have sex with him, even though I have no satisfaction or fulfillment from the marriage.” as the fourth reason from anonymous. IJS it’s something to think about…and, it’s the truth.
RE: Brian Andrea Parrish-Faith without works is dead. Yes we are to pray and read our Bible, but we also have to do some work to strengthen our relationships so that they don’t get to the point of divorce. Opening up to our spouses by airing our grievances respectfully and being willing to accept feedback in return is the first step to resolution. This is what I feel that Heath is suggesting.
Feeling Over Frustrated says
I’m not scared to share but I understand what you meant. I feel the exact same way. I actually have shared with him before this but don’t want to seem like I’m coming from a one side way of how he will take it. I am actually close to the door. One foot through so pray for me and him.
/… I thought I was the only one doing everything financially…encouraged by your story… can’t wait for the day he will do those things for me and ask how else he can help!
You’re not alone. Married but still feel like a struggling single mom.
Heath Wiggins says
Naw girl…you’re not alone. Thank you for you comment.
Andrew Baker says
When you have a christian man, she doesn’t make the decisions because God made him the head of the household and he would be leading the relationship like the bible says. Unfortunately, a lot of the so called christian women argue and challenge their christian man when he is making the decisions because he is not leading the way she wants him to lead but have a problem when he stops making any decisions due to that fact. We all play a role in our relationships and need to understand each others role. If you are having a problem getting a man to help you around the house, the problem is more than likely how you are asking him or he is just not the kind of guy to do house work. Before you get married to a man, look at how he keeps his house and that will let you know if he will help you clean the house or not. Yes in today’s world, a lot of women and men don’t do what they say they will do. This is huge problem when it comes to relationships. No relationship is perfect or will be the way one person feels it should be. Compromise is huge and understand that you will make sacrifices that you feel or don’t feel you should make but it will be necessary for the success of the relationship. If you are not willing to sacrifice or compromise unconditionally, you relationship will not be successful or last. There is no I in team.
Heath Wiggins says
Thanks for your comment Andrew.
Thanks for this. These three items are true – but there is a fourth – failing to be the spiritual leader of the marriage/family. Wives need their husbands to pray for them and pray with them and live out their walk in Christ. I am NOT talking about attending church as a weekly ritual/habit – because religion gets people nowhere. Husbands need to spend personal time in the Word, get under a good bible teacher, and lead the family in prayer daily – even if it is 5 minutes in the morning before he leaves for work. Prayer and a kiss each day – priceless.
Heath Wiggins says
Superwife, I couldn’t agree more. Thanks for the comment.
Are fat and lazy? Do you still have the same hot body that you wooed him with? Or are you still retaining baby weight from 10 years ago? Don’t bang your man and watch as he trades you in for a newer model. Don’t worry about this list, you’re probably already obsolete.
I just have one question for the Wife. Did he fulfill any of these 3 while you were dating? If not, then stop complaining and move to issues you had no clue about prior to marriage. Sometimes the marriage means more to a woman then whether their man can meet their basic needs. Which is one reason why I am single. There are certain things I will not compromise on. Of the 3 issues Heath addressed number 3 is not acceptable. Let your Yes be Yes and Your No be No like a grown man.