Not every Christian home is filled with a loving happy couple. As wonderful as you are, and as much as you do for your family, your Christian husband might not be happy and you don’t even know it. Yes, he loves you. But there’s something about the way you manage the household affairs that has him wishing he was living the single life again.
4 Reasons Why Your Christian Husband Wants to Be Single Again
Now, I know you’re thinking, “How dare you!” or “That’s not my husband!” And if this doesn’t apply to you, please forgive me. I’m not intentionally accusing women in general…or you specifically…of being a bad wife. But if you’ve ever had longstanding, ongoing, reoccurring problems in your marriage, how do you know he doesn’t wish he was single again. It’s not like he’s going to tell you. He’s crazy…but not that crazy!
In this article:
- You’ve changed, but not in a good way.
- You’re too controlling.
- Living with you requires too much sacrifice.
- Sacrificial sex.
I’ve talked to hundreds of married Christian men. And I’ve seen the glimmer in their eyes, the excitement in their voice, and their expressive body language when they reminisce on those single-days back-in-the-day. And then I compare their reaction when I bring up a current marital situation that should trigger the same level of excitement.
You would be shocked to see the down-trodden reactions when talking about married-life around other men. Again…how would you know? Hopefully, these 4 reasons why your Christian husband wants to be single again will give you some clues to whether I’m talking about your husband or not.
1. You’ve Changed…But Not in a Good Way
When you first got married, it was all cupcakes and cream cheese icing. But life happened. And how you adapted and adjusted to its challenges created the person he doesn’t like. Yes, he loves you. But he doesn’t like the person you’ve become. Grant it, he might be a butt! And you are a wonderful, responsible, intelligent woman. But if there’s any contributory negligence on your part, his perception of you is likely the complete opposite.
One way to tell if your husband can’t stand you if he no longer has any filters. If he says and does whatever he wants to you and around you without regard for your feelings, your husband desires a change for the better, preferably with you, but maybe not.
2. You’re Too Controlling
Power struggles in a marriage are the fight over who controls the resources within the family. Not just money, but also time, information, rewards and punishments, and emotional drama (I’ll address this one in detail in another post). A husband, even a Christian husband, feels powerless if he is controlled by these resources instead of sharing control of them.
Now, I know you’re going to lash back at me and say, “We both control our family resources 50/50!!!!” I don’t dispute that. Nor do I dispute that your family doesn’t have its roles and responsibilities worked out perfectly. But what I do know is that some men feel that, to alleviate the emotional drama you will heap on his head, he has to give up control over some of these resources just to keep the peace. And if you wield too much control, your husband might be longing for the single life where he once controlled all his resources.
3. Living with You Requires Too Much Sacrifice
All single people know that love requires sacrifice. But it’s only during marriage that you discover you’re going to have to sacrifice something that you really like for something that you don’t care about just because your spouse wants it that way. That’s hard work to do consistently year after year. And some of your required sacrifices are too high for your husband’s sacrificial threshold. So if your man starts showing signs of cracking like withdrawal or avoidance you might want to loosen up on your sacrificial requirements. Or he might just be pondering sacrificing the marriage.
4. Sacrificial Sex
I get it. But you have to “make time” for sexual intimacy with your husband. You’ve said “no” so many times that when you do allow it to happen, he feels like it’s a sacrifice for you…and you’d rather be washing clothes or some other chore on your to-do list. Do you want to feel like you’re not desired…like sex with you is a burdensome chore? Neither does he. You should initiate sex at least once a week…or once a month depending on your frequency. That will make him feel wanted…and not wanting to leave.
So you’ve heard of the phrase “happy wife, happy life.” Do you agree with it? You probably do. Well, I don’t! Because it completely disregards the man’s wants and desires. And when you’ve changed and have become too controlling and require too much of a sacrifice, including making sex with him feel like a burdensome chore…then your man just might be looking longingly back at…and forward towards…those good-old single days.
BMWK — How can you make his married-days better than his single-days?
Up Next: 6 Marriage Mistakes Almost Every Wife Makes at Least Once
Editor’s Note: BMWK originally published this post on April 4, 2014. We have updated it for quality and relevancy.
This is an old adage. Men seem to enter relationships/ marriage thinking/hoping things never change. New circumstances, at least 2 new people sharing same time, space, $$, with likely different backgrounds, life views, goals and temperaments, preparation/skills— things/people will change, because they must change. Period. Women adapt to that change to keep the peace too. The only constant in life is change; people, especially Christians, are supposed to constantly grow. It’s the very essence of a well-lived life. Sometimes women want to experience those same behaviors men used to get them to the altar too. Remind her of those times and may be she’ll remind you why you married her.
Finally,
I led off with ‘change’ for a reason. And that’s because, as you said, the only constant in life is change. However, not all change is good. Some change sucks. And some growth sucks too. And if a husband feels the changes/growth that has happened in his marriage sucks…and his wife has contributed to that…right-or-wrong, it’s healthy for them to talk about it so she can choose to makes some additional adjustments or not.
But not discussing how he feels…or being offended at his audacity for feeling that way, doesn’t make his feeling go away. And it doesn’t mean that there’s no truth to his feelings (even if he’s contributed to his sucky marriage). Bottom-line is…everybody’s feelings are valid. They need to have an honest conversation so they can move forward in a non-sucky marriage.
Thank you for your comment.
Does he wish he was single or does he wish he had more faith? To want to be single is also an admission of losing faith,correct? — in Marriage, in forgiveness, in believing in only one perfect being. Intriguing, but I think the Christian side of this discussion could have more presence to acknowledge how complex the issue really is.
Plese let’s not forget the important of BALANCE in the marriage (husband and wife). Without balance in a marriage it is sure to lead to the 3 points you listed for the woman and the 4 points you listed for the man wanting to be single again. Balance is the key!!!
If you haven’t experienced these feelings then you should be praising God you didn’t. These are very real issues that should be addressed and regularly occur in a lot of marriages. But the enemy would have people be so secretive about these things that we can’t gain the benefits of fellowship with like minded Christians that are staying the course and just need some encouragement. Expressing obvious issues does not mean you’ve decided to walk away nor does keeping them bottled up facilitate true happiness. Keep doing what you are doing sir. Just keep it in line with the Word. Despite how strong we are in Christ, the bible clearly says that we will experience many troubles and issues.
Thanks for the comments brotha.
Good article! Also, I would like to add that maybe these men realize that they have married the wrong person and when the kids come along, more responsibilities are added to the everyday pressures of life,and this maybe too much for these men to deal with, or they may realize that married life is just not for them, and the single life is less complicated easy. Also, some men get married for the wrong reasons, such as family constantly nagging him to find a wife, or pressure from his pastor and church elders to get married if he’s a leader in church, or all his friends and frat brothers are getting married and he doesn’t want to be the last single man in his circle, or maybe he’s sick and tired of his girlfriend asking when are we getting married and the man just gives in, only to realize he should have stayed single.
Mrs. Jones,
Great comment. All those things you said are true. I lump it under one big category of ‘life’. And it’s those adjustments to ‘life’ that define who you are…not who you want to become. And sometimes the spouse on the other end of that adjustment is miserable. Both male and female.
Yes, men marry for the wrong reasons. However, I would hypothesize that these married without knowing the amount of changing they would have to do. It’s a common misconception that happens among both couples in a marriage. Some adapt easily. Some try to pivot the family towards their preferred way of living…with little consideration for their spouse. And some fight natural growth and want to stay newly-weds forever. It’s only the mature that accept and adjust to change…and do it in a way that self-sacrificing and beneficial to others.
This applies to men, too, right? How do we know she doesn’t feel these things? I know I can’t stand my “christian” husband. I feel all of this, for the very same reasons.
*singing* “Hold up. Wait-a-minute!” Yes…this pendulum swings both ways. Wives can feel the same frustration. But here’s the unspoken point I was trying to make. Just as you, Christian woman, can’t stand your Christian husband…guess what baby…he possibly can’t stand you either. Now don’t take this personal. I’m not talking about you…or to you. I’m talking about situations where women are frustrated with their men…but don’t think their man i justified to be just as – if not more – frustrated with her.
I wrote this to spur women to have a conversation to find out how to improve their marriage.
So I challenge you to do this (this is what I do when I want initiate a conversation about sensitive topics with my wife of 16 year). Ask him if there is 1 or 2 things that he want’s you to do to be a better wife. Listen to what he says without justifying why he’s wrong and you’re right. Just listen. Then do it. A week later (yes…a week later), ask him how you’ve been doing. If you’ve done a good job, then you’ll experience the benefits of a happier, nicer, more considerate husband. Repeat this the following week. He’ then feel compelled to asks you what he can do to be a better husband. Then hit him with your top 2 most irritating issues. Repeat this process weekly…for a month, and watch your biggest most irritating issues will diminish.
I know you are tempted to rejected this outright…out of fear that he won’t ever ask you what he can do to be a better husband. Or, that you’ve already done something similar to this and he didn’t stick to it. To that I say, do it anyway. Like I said, I do this when I have an issue with something my wife is doing that I want her to change. My strategy is…if I show her that I’m willing to change first – without asking anything from in as a condition on me changing, then she should be will to do the same thing if given the opportunity. Over 16 years, it’s worked about 90% of the time.
I hope it works out well for you and your husband. Thanks for your comment.
I try not to comment on things like these, but I have to admit I have tried my own version of this and it worked. I hit a point where I realised that I was asking my wife for things I was no longer prepared to give. Armed with this realisation I began to give my wife all the things I felt she was withholding from me, and within weeks she saw the change in me and adjusted accordingly, we went from bickering to cuddling again. Things still are not perfect, but I now know how my wife likes to be lead and its by example.
Give and you shall recieve x
Be the head and not the tail
God bless people
Thank you for the suggestion. I have definately had thoughts of becomming single again and giving up the daily struggle our marriage seems to have become. So, I couldn’t believe how emotional I got when I asked my husband.
All of the time and energy I used trying to be a “good woman” seemed to be wasted on an unappreciative man. I’ve asked in the past; yelling, screaming, crying “what do you want from me?” Tired of doing “it all” I’d begun to take steps toward change: 1) Completed a rental application 2) got a p.o. box
I knew I didn’t want to end our marriage but thought,”what else can I do?” Then, I read this artical and afterwards the comments which I normally don’t. So, thank you for having been a vehical to restore hope.
The apartment complex has a waiting list nearly a year long. Likewise I got the p.o. box paid for a year in advance. I sat numb trying to gather the energy to even care if the marriage could be saved in what I viewed as our last year as husband & wife.
It wasn’t fun or easy listening to my husband’s response. I was actually proud of myself for not cutting in with my 2cents or cutting him off. So I almost added that to my own mental list but I stopped. Part of the reason I’m so tired and worn out is from trying to be a superwife and anticipate his every need/ desire. Then, I cry myself to sleep when he doesn’t do the same.
So now, this question has given me a chance to step back. I can commit to doing what he specifically told me he wants and not run myself ragged on the rest.
Now, I feel a sliver of heat; from what could possibly be a ray, associated with a sun denoting sunnier marital days and warmer marital nights. Even my sense of humor is being restored.
Why is there always an assumption that the woman is keeping it running like a well oiled machine. A lot of women these days are lazy and too selfish to even care about the needs or feelings of her husband. Most Christian men that want to leave because they have wives who are not invested in the marriage. There are some really bad women out there just as there are bad men. I have seen both.
Rick,
To be honest, I hate that assumption too. I personally believe that I’m the chief mechanic of my house…keeping this running smoothly. My wife might disagree though.
But, is this assumption really that far fetched? I don’t think so. If you think about all the married male friends you have, how many of them are the ones managing the infrastructure of their household. I only know of 2 of my friends.
And I too have seen plenty of bad wives and husbands out there. That’s why I wrote this article…to push women to have a talk with their husbands about how to improve each other…and subsequently, their marriage.
@Anonymous – He’s speaking from a pool of Christian men he surveyed. So therefore it’s their responses he’s basing this article off of, so it really wouldn’t be from a female point of view. But the article has a lot of truth to it, because male family members and friends have had the same complaints. Also, if you hate your husband you need to do some soul searching and pray that God gives you peace of mind about your marriage. God Bless
Well said.
These issues are speaking volume. It seems nowaday, people want the benefits of being married but are not willing to do the work to maintain a strong marriage.
Exactly. Tis my quandary. Hopefully, Christian (and non-Christian) women will do the work of have a tough conversations with their husbands about what they can do to become a better wife…and the husbands will in-turn ask the same question of himself.
Thanks for your comment.
Once again, men seem to find a way to retain their Peter Pan mentality while simultaneously making the responsibility for their marital happiness the responsibility of the wife.
Look – marriage is a very fine balancing act that requires DAILY adjustments. This male belief that wives are controlling and use sex as a tool of leverage happens, but is not without foundational reasons that men refuse to acknowledge or deal with.
Running a household and keeping a marriage actively alive takes a lot of effort and work on the part of BOTH partners. To put an unbalanced amount of responsibility on the wife is improper. The husband must recognize that HE is to properly lead the entire family – including assisting his wife in keeping the marital needs center-focused.
Not enough sex – find the babysitter, book the hotel, call the spa…or give the massage yourself.
Too controlling – successfully, consistently, take over something – anything…transporting the kids to school, making their lunch, picking up the dry cleaning…show her you can step in and effectively help…she will release and submit more readily.
Only grown men should marry – children who constantly need someone else to meet their mental/emotional needs – without comparable contributions from the man/leader….will always find a reason to want to be single.
Remember – you asked ME to marry you…you started it – so help me maintain it.
Now, back to laundry, before my Sunday sex appointment with my husband. LOL
Interesting article and insightful from a male prospective.
However I would most agree with Superwife..marriage takes alot of work from both parties also only real grown men should marry. No wife want a man equivilant to a child in his wants of mental/emotional needs without him actual being the husband/leader in his comparable contributions.
Well said my Sister.
Helen,
Thank you for your comment. But like I told Superwife, I am confused why you belittle a man’s mental/emotional needs. It’s hurtful to hear, if I were your husband, that my mental/emotional needs might be perceived by my wife as childish…whatever they are. So if I know you felt that way, you know what I would do. I would only project to you my emotions…not my feelings.
See, every human has 6 base feelings happy, excited, tender, scared, anger, and sad). Your emotions are how you emote your feelings…how you outwardly express your feelings to the world.
So if I felt like I would be negatively judged because of my feelings, the only emotions you would see from me…for all of my feelings…would be happy and anger.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand what you meant. But understand what I meant too. Some women have the capacity, know-how, and previous-relationship justification to intuitively beat a man down by being overbearingly controlling. She does exist. I’m sure you know someone like this.
It’s this woman that needs to read this article. Forward it to her if you please. Who knows? Maybe she’s in a place today to where she would be receptive to receive this typed of information.
Thanks for sharing. And please, like my FB page so I can stay you will know when I post new article on he and on my site. https://www.facebook.com/hisleadershiphertrust
ps. I have a new article that addresses the men coming this week.
Superwife,
I’m confused. If your alias name is any indication of who you are, then how can you deny that marital happiness is not your responsibility…or at least partially your responsibility. Is it a Peter Pan fairy-tale for a husband to think that his wife has a responsibility to make him happy? Yes, the husband should reciprocate…better yet, initiate the acts of making his wife happy. But a wife definitely has a responsibility too do it…husband’s responsibility notwithstanding. And the fact is, some wives FAIL at that. One, by being too controlling. Two, by demanding he concede to all her preferences while belittling his as childish or a fairy-tale and not yielding to his preferences…unless she thinks it’s a good idea too. Maybe not the Superwife. But twist not, it does happen…quite often
I’m also think it is dangerous how you deride as childish and put conditions on whether you will meet the emotional/mental needs of your husband. What does comparable contribution mean??? Does that mean if you don’t feel he’s giving you enough emotional/mental support, then you will withhold your emotional/mental support until you feel there is comity? That sound tit-for-tatish to me. In fact, what that is…is controlling rewards and punishments. Meaning, you reward him with emotional/mental support if he gives you a comparable contribution of emotional/mental; and you punish him by withholding emotional/mental if he fails to give a comparable amount. What it’s not…is sacrificially loving. That’s not to super…in my opinion. But if that’s what you meant, please clarify.
Look – I agree with a lot of what you said. My website is http://www.hisleadershiphertrust.com. I am a staunch promoter of men taking-on and operating-in their leadership role in the family. You even echo a sentiment I always tell my male clients, “You asked her. She didn’t ask you.” But what I’ve seen as barriers to my male clients being leaders in their families is that their wives won’t let them. After all, a leader can only lead if members of his team are willing to follow him. It’s a man’s responsibility to lead…yes. But some wives said “Yes” at the alter, but then turn around and said, “…but only if you do thing this way…or that way.” They fight their men at every turn. And some men just aren’t equipped to know how to deal with that type of woman. It’s unfortunate, but true. And those men…are looking at their happy single days and wondering if it was all worth it. Yes, I know women feel the same way too. But I’m not talking about them right now (I will in my next post).
Thank you for your comments. I love spirited, yet respectful conversations. Hope you read the next post directed to Christian married men.
Your article was very enlightening, comes a little too late. My husband of 18 years decided to divorce me. He listed most of the reasons that you stated.
I feel blind-sided because he never expressed his feelings until he had completely shut down. He complained at the end that everything was about me and our children. I’m healing now, after going through a devastating loss.
As an adult, and equal partner in the marriage he owed it to himself and especially me to speak up if his needs weren’t being met. I also see it as selfish to give up before allowing your partner to change or at least try. Not to mention the domino effect that ending the relationship would cause. I agree with Super wife, “he asked me”. I believe that you should earn your way out of a marriage, knowing that you didn’t just blame your partner for your dissatisfaction. Too often women are labeled controlling, but we need more men to step up and actually run things (make decisions, hire a repair person, plan a vacation, even help with homework.
Again,I enjoyed reading your advice, although it saddened me. I hope that your article will spark new conversations among couples and hopefully save some marriages.
Thanks for sharing. Sorry it is to late for you. You were right, the husband should have fought for the marriage he asked for. Wish you all the best in your future.
Well said!!!
Thanks Juliet
I agree with you… I have been doing everything I know how to be a good wife; cooking, cleaning, take care of two small kids, never refuse him sex, cater to all his needs, try to look decent for him and don’t nag but because I mention that I know what he has been doing as far as making very poor decision about finances he told me he wished he was single.
Interesting, while I could get on a soap box it’s not worth it. If I want the marriage to be successful I have to do my part and I have come to know that my part requires more than cooking, cleaning, children, washing and bedtime ( this is a lot). As a Believer I am suppose to care for my husbands needs not to be his God but care about the “man.” Yes, he did ask me and I said “yes.” Have I changed, yep, I needed the space to become a better woman. There is greater in both of us, but I have decided to look at the woman in the mirror, ask her some hard questions and make the changes I need to make to be a better wife. I choose to believe it I give it will be given back to me, ” good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over.” I choose to believe if I sow the seed of meeting his needs I will reap the harvest of mine being met.
ET,
Consider the nail embedded…because you hit that jount right on the head. You got it! Marriage is not about chores. Its about being willing to make the tough uncomfortable sacrifices for the benefit of your husband…and trusting that God will supply your needs through you husband. And it’s through those sacrifices that makes you a beter person, a better wife, and a tried and test Christian that God can trust to be used for the benefit of his Kingdom. Thanks for getting on your soapbox! Lol.
So so so true. Too bad my other half will never read this or see herself in this article because all issues in our marriage are “my fault”. smh
Carlos…here’s what you do. Forward her the link below. It’s the sister article I wrote entitles 3 Reasons Why Your Christian Wife Wants to be Single Again. At the bottom of the article is a link to this article. Hopefully she will read it.
Later tonight, ask her if she read the article and if she felt anything in the it is true. Have a discussion about her issues. Don’t justify why they are not true…or why you feel she’s wrong. Just listen.
When she’s gotten everything off her chest, ask her if she read the other article that’s linked at the bottom of the page. If she said she did…BOOM…mission accomplished. Have a good conversation about what you feel. If she hasn’t, then ask her to read it. BOOM…mission accomplished.
But if you do all this, make sure you delete your comment and this response so it all doesn’t blow up in your face. Good luck!
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2014/04/3-reasons-why-your-christian-wife-wants-to-be-single-again/
After 13 months of marriage, I get told that I have failed as a wife, I am useless and I will never amount to anything. My husband tells me that he wishes he was single every single day. He does as he pleases, he sleeps out without any explanation, he stays glued to his phone if he’s home. He never looks at me, the only time that he notices me is during bedtime and he wants sex. Our marriage was over within the first 6 weeks. He tells me to get out his life every chance he gets. He’s mean and says the most hurtful things to me. Is this normal? I know I am not perfect, at times I struggle to keep the house as clean as he wants it to be, I may not keep up with the laundry as much as he wants me to, I may not be the best cook and I might not make all the right moves that he fantasises about in bed but we both work, he gets more off days than me. He does not help with any of the house chores, he does not support me emotionally, he spends all his spare time on himself doing things that please him like staying on the phone and internet, hanging out with friends and spending hours at the gym and he tells me to leave him alone and focus on myself like he is doing. It’s a lonely place to be in, I don’t have any friends thanks to him but he kept all his friends and still makes new friends especially female friends. I cannot strike a conversation with him, he snaps and sulks for days. If I question anything, he says I am too controlling. The best thing for me to do is to just keep quiet and wait for him when he is ready to say something to me. My life was not the best when I was still single but it was much better than this.
Hell women want to be single too when men start to change and it’s vice versa. I know good and well I get tired of cleaning behind him and his kids and cooking for them every night hell post why women want to be single hell summers and weekends off. But you can’t think like that when your married.
I will be your friend and I will be a great one he will change as soon as soon as he sees the change in you. Email me I will be your friend and you will find happiness with in and you won’t care what he says anymore
A lot of christian men may want to be single again because they find out that the so called christian woman is not really a christian. Christian men get frustrated when they are doing things like the bible say for them to be the head of the household but have to fight with and be challenged by the so call christian woman about their decisions. Plus, it is amazing on how women are ready to call a mans mentality old when it comes to what the woman should be doing for the man but it is not old when the woman wants the man to be a gentleman like men back in the 1950’s or earlier. Unfortunately, a lot of women today are always about what a man is suppose to do for them but lazy when it comes to what they should do for a man. If you don’t take care of your man, your man will be unhappy and probably find someone else that will.
There’s truth to what you say. There are also a lot of variables in the way a man leads as the head of household that could justify why he receives a lot of resistance and pushback from his wife. Jsut as there are good leaders…there are also bad leaders. But your point is well taken. Thanks for commenting.
The reason a good christian man wants to be single again is because the christian woman he married was a christian woman in talk only but not actions. A true christian woman knows the bible and understands that it says that a woman would submit to her husband as she has submitted to Christ. Most women forget or ignore what they have to do for their husband or to be considered a good wife but quote the scripture about he who finds a good wife finds a good thing which they don’t understand what the bible was talking about in that passage of scripture. Most black women have a problem submitting to a black man but no problem submitting to any other race or doesn’t even understand what submit means. Again, another article telling what a black women is not doing for a black man to cause him to leave her and most of their comments are about them or discrediting the article. Most so called christian women are fake and don’t know what it means to be a christian women or how to take care or keep a good man. According to God’s word, a christian man already has the power and is the head of his house hold. So, a true christian women would be in line with this and never have to let her man be the head of his own house hold or lead (how crazy and stupid does the concept of a woman letting him be the head sound). Great article.