Sunday night around 9 p.m. I went to put my son to bed (late) and my 12-year-old daughter said, “By the way, I have some clothes that need to be washed. I’m going to put them downstairs in the laundry room.”
Let’s step back a little bit. I work in PR for a school that had its reunion weekend that same weekend. Classes celebrating reunions from the Class of 1937 (yes 1937) through 2007 converged on the school for three days straight, so from dawn til way past dusk all weekend long I had been running around like a headless chicken in heels, taking pictures, giving out programs and gifts, navigating back roads to go say “Hi” at class parties, [fill in thankless activity here].
Somewhere in the mix I also managed to come down with one of the many germs from hell I get from working around kids all week long so I was doing this while throwing back cold medicine and struggling (unsuccessfully) to talk without sounding like a baby Barry White.
After being done with all the craziness by mid-Sunday afternoon I picked up said daughter from a birthday party, came home and filled out a few reports and invoices which I needed to do for my freelance life while the kids lounged around taking part in a whole lot of nothing until 9 pm when my daughter wanted me to do laundry.
“Why did you wait until 9 pm at night to tell me you need to do laundry? We’ve talked about this before. If you have laundry to do, tell me earlier.”
I thought about spending the next couple of hours washing and drying before I dragged myself to bed bleary eyed when it hit me. There is a simple solution to this problem. And it comes in the form of the word “No.”
“I’ve told you about this before,” I said. “I’m not doing it.”
She looked up at me bewildered. “But I don’t have any clean clothes!”
“And you knew that all weekend long. If you want it done, you’re going to stay up and do it yourself. I’m not.”
And even though she went in her room and flung the door a little harder than normal (although she caught it before it slammed because momma doesn’t play that) about ten minutes later she re-emerged carrying a laundry basket and I fell asleep to the whir of the washing machine, waking up well-rested.
As parents, we often find power in recognizing all that we can do and our ability to keep going, but we can’t forget about the power of knowing when to stop. It’s taken me a while to understand that that in stretching myself to do everything for them wasn’t just wearing me out, it was doing a disservice to them.
Teaching our kids to respect us isn’t just about teaching them not to talk back. It’s also about showing them that we are people that they need to show some sensitivity toward, and by beginning to step back a little bit and let them get resourceful, I hope I’m teaching them just that.
Do you think I was wrong for my laundry refusal? Do you find it hard to step back from being supermom or dad?
Find more tips for busy couples to help keep marriages strong at Making Love in the Microwave.
You were not wrong for refusing to do your daughters laundry. I go through the same thing. We must set boundries for our children and they must suffer the consequences.
Wow! What a great lesson. You are giving your daughter invaluable tools: Responsibility for herself, and respect for other people’s time. It’s something I am learning with my daughter everyday. The biggest “No” I had to learn was when she finished writing a paper for English class and asked me to type it, since I’m a faster typist. The problem was she needed it Monday morning, and she asked me at 11:00pm Sunday! I was furious, but stayed up and typed it anyway so she wouldn’t get a bad grade. When I talked to her the next day I “framed” the situation as HER putting her grade in jeopardy, and vowed that I would never “save the day” with so little respect for time (and sleep!). I still wonder if I should have let her get the bad grade, but I think she “got it” in that since then she has been much more conscious of giving me a heads up when she needs something. Thanks for sharing.
What a great lesson she learned from this situation. You definitely were not wrong. I find that my children also have to deal with the consequences of such situations, especially when it is last minute. They are definitely getting better at being cognizant of respect for my time and are learning things can’t be done at the last minute!
Not at all!!! I am always telling my 16 yr old and my 8 yr old NO to last minute requests… or things they have the capacity to do for themselves… Kids need boundaries or they will run amok! I applaud you!
Thanks. I needed this confirmation! Just last night I had to do the same thing with my 3rd son (13) who did not complete an important assignment for school. After dinner he tried to slip outside with his older brother to play basketball only to be called in a few seconds later. I firmly said “NO” and told him to complete his assignment. It didn’t matter that it was about to storm and he wanted to “get a few shots in before the rain started.” Too bad! So…he sat, burning the midnight oil until he finished. As parents, we can’t be afraid to establish clear boundaries and exercise tough love with our children when necessary. Believe me, as a stay at home mother of four sons (17, 15, 13, 8) it can be hard at times to step back and wait for them to do what needs to be done (especially when time is a factor). But it will hurt them in the long run if we don’t. Our beautiful lovely children will one day be adults. I shutter to think what problems they could have as future husbands if my husband and I never taught them to accept responsibility as boys.