Often, when looking for love we start by thinking about what the other person should have… An education, a job, a car, etc. In my experience, the search for love should start with self.
My first husband and I were together for all the wrong reasons. In my case, he represented safety and security because he was from the city that I was new to. He was much older than me and I needed his guidance and assistance. In his case, I was a rebound. I was on a spiritual journey and he wanted to make me his disciple (he was a Five Percenter).
When we got together neither of us had anything substantial to offer, so we were dependent on each other and we were also holding each other back. Oddly enough, after we divorced I was able to really become the woman God wanted me to be and he was able to find peace in Islam and become a disciple, rather than trying to create his own disciples.
Fast forward and I meet the man who would become my next husband. At that point I could get around Chicago on my own. I had a great job, my own car and I was writing regularly. He didn’t even live in Chicago but it was his tweet about creating an organization that drew me to him.
It was strictly business at first, we developed bi-laws, a mission statement and had even started working on funding. Our conversations started veering into the personal and we realized we had so much in common – childhoods filled with lots of trauma, a fierce commitment to community and a love of words. We weren’t looking to fulfill our physical needs. The only thing we needed from each other at the time was encouragement. We were able to really spend time getting to know each other because our needs were being met.
What I’ve learned is that when you don’t have what you need in terms of shelter, transportation or money, it is easy to look for someone to provide those things, and you get so blinded by their willingness to help you, that you may be looking past who they really are. They could be controlling, abusive or manipulative. You may end up settling for much less than you deserve or compromising on your values.
When you focus on becoming the best you that you can be, those who can’t measure up aren’t even in your range of vision, nor do they want to be. For two people to truly be partners they have to nearly be equal in what they bring to the table, and if you are very far from where you need or want to be, focus on developing yourself and you will draw a suitable partner to you!
Have you discovered that true love starts with you? Tell us about your experience in the comment section.
Lovnlivnlifedc says
So true!! Great post!
Anonymous says
I can say I agree with this post 100% I am currently single. I kept finding myself in bad relationships over and over bc I wanted to say I was in one. For the first time, I am ok with the single life! LOL. I am currently figuring me out and reaching some of my goals (career wise and personal). I am doing things now that I used to get distracted by when I was in my previous relationships. Its weird because I have a lot of guy friends that tells me when they settle down they want to be with a woman who is goal oriented and has self pretty much established. They say its such a turn on! I also hear women often say they want a man to take care of them. “He gotta have this and that” That’s what they hope for and settle for. SMH! In my eyes I immediately think OH NO, that allows him to have totally control! LOL Between my fear of someone controlling me and hearing what my male friends say, I will continue to work on me. I’m almost done with me and cant wait to meet the guy that God has for me! Again awesome post!! Wish I could share this because so many women need to read this! Keep up the good work with your posts! I been reading them for some time now! Best wish and much more continued success to you!!
Renee says
As I read this article, I thought about my journey to where I am today and the experiences that helped to shape me. It was nothing short of God’s grace. Thanks for an awesome reminder.
tina says
Your post is so on point!
mfon says
Really nice post, this is very true, its good to have somthn you can bring to the table that is valuable too, becos if not, u’ll feel and be treated like you are dependent. work on yourself and your partner will locate you.
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