by Aja Dorsey Jackson
Shortly after buying our first home last summer, my hours at my full time job were cut to part time and I was eventually laid off. The loss of income has affected every area of our lives and our marriage has not been exempt from the impact.
The effects go far beyond the obvious financial cutbacks we’ve had to make like no more dining out or planning to take family vacations. For me, the financial uncertainty has resulted in an overall loss of peace of mind and left me with a lot of anger and occasionally depression. Intellectually I can understand that we are in a recession, jobs are lost, cut backs have to be made. Spiritually I can try to lean on the belief that God will provide and everything will be okay.
But everything doesn’t feel okay when we are trying to figure out how we are going to pay for (insert just about anything here). Nor does it feel okay when after nearly a year of under/unemployment, despite my degree and nearly ten years of experience in my field, I haven’t been able to land even an entry level job. The job loss has forced me to be a stay-at-home mom, a job that I did not desire to have. I have watched how the pressure of basically being the sole breadwinner has affected my husband, who is self-employed.
Unlike some of the families in CNN’s Almighty Debt special, before the layoff I felt like we were doing what we were supposed to do. We saved our money and bought a house within our means. We paid our bills on time. We didn’t rack up debt buying things that we couldn’t afford. It is probably only for these reasons that we are still in our home and able to keep up with at least some of the bills.
But we didn’t plan that I would be out of work for almost a year. The real uncertainty comes when thinking about the future. What happens when I haven’t found a job and the unemployment runs out? What happens the day that I get sick and need the health insurance that I don’t have? What happens when the tuition bill for my daughter comes and there is no longer any money to pay it? Riding that emotional rollercoaster over the past several months has been a source of mental stress and has on many occasions caused tension between my husband and me.
We’ve had to commit to either using our financial challenges to draw us closer together or allowing them to split us apart. The choice seems clear, but the daily application of it isn’t easy. We have to continuously reshape our marriage to fit the lives that we have right now. That means trying to figure out new things to do for fun. That means creating different plans for the future. That means realizing that one of us is extremely stressed or tired and learning whether to offer some alone time or a shoulder to lean on.
I pray that more of this bumpy road is behind us than ahead, but if there is one thing that I am certain of it is my love for my family. For richer or poorer with love and determination I know that we will make it through.
Has the recession affected your marriage? What have you done to remain strong during tough financial times?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
YES. My husband was laid off in early 2009, looked for a job and finally landed one in January of this year 2010 only to find out two weeks later that MY job was moving to Texas. Since my job is more stable, we chose to move and now my husband has been looking for a job AGAIN since May. To say its been rough on our marriage is an understatement. But we’ve held on and tried to comfort each other the best we can through the weeks where we’ve tried to figure out what to do next. Hard to do when you’re tryna decide between gas money to get me to work and possible job interviews and paying a bill (or more). To add insult to injury, we dont have kids yet and folks have had the NERVE to come at us wrong for waiting until we are out of this fog. SMH.
@Tamara, one thing that I have definitely learned through this is that we have had to completely turn off what others on the outside may think. We used to attend a lot of social events and have had people get mad at us for not coming to this party or that party. To them it may seem like just a night out but for us, a night out partying could ruin our budget for the month. Only you know your financial situation-those same folks that are coming at you wrong aren’t going to be the ones paying your bills after the kids if you’re still struggling to make ends meet.
Big, fat, hairy, scary YES! While neither of us lost our jobs, thank God, my husband took a serious pay cut and lost a day off. So now he is working an extra day, graveyard shift, for less money. We were already on a tight (really tight) budget – no vacations, eating out, etc, so we had to get rid of our second car, which we really need. Pre-recession we had planned to buy a bigger home – we live in a one bedroom apartment with our 2 (!) kids. Just to meet the bills, we have had to use $ we saved for the downpayment. I am confident that our relationship will weather this storm, we were both broke when we met, so this ain’t nothin’ but a thang…
Aja I do feel your pain. Our situation was a bit different. When we had the triplets I had to leave my job to cut back (i.e. daycare for three kids etc.). But now that they are almost school age I’ve been looking for a job again and haven’t gotten any bites despite my degree as well. But we’ve bonded together on the fact that since we feel like we are at the bottom of the barrel things have no choice but to look up and get better! LOL We just feel like we didn’t instantly ask to go from a family of 2 to 5 all in on day so God obviously had a plan to help us through it. Whatever it is I don’t know so we’re just going to wait it out and see…
Aja, you are not alone. Your story sounds similar to mine. I was also laid off (for a year). And yes it was stressful for us. We had to cut back and do without (shopping, vacations etc.) And yes, even with a degree it was hard to find work. For us it did bring us closer together, I was able to see my husband in action holding the family down. And that made me see him different, and made me trust him more. I thank GOD that I did have my unemployment and my coaching to assist me too. I look at the layoff time as a time to focus on promoting my gifts (my small business). In addition to looking for full-time work, I put myself into my own business. I also made a list of things I wanted to do while I was off of work. Things that I wanted to get accomplished. Aja, I just want to encourage you to love and praise your husband for holding it down. Trust, pray and have faith that you will find the job you are looking for. I also encourage that during this time you continue to share your gifts and writing and promote your business. GOD has you. 🙂
Thank you for your encouragement Tiya. Despite the obvious downside to being unemployed, this time has forced me to focus on my business and writing, something that I wasn’t doing much of before, and some great things have come out of that. I’ve also had some really great people (Ronnie and Lamar and many others!) that have helped me navigate this tough time and am grateful that this moment has allowed me to see that God has placed these people in my life. It is easy for me to get down about things, but even in financial stress I know this cloud has a silver lining and is making our marriage stronger through weathering the storm.
I experienced the same thing this year, only difference was it was my husband who was laid off. He recently went back to work about two weeks ago thankfully. IMO it makes it that much more stressful on the marriage to have the wife be the sole bread winner and the husband be out of work. Not only did the loss of employment affect his ego, it appeared that my gainful employment only served to add salt to the wound. There were many times when I felt like my husband resented me for being able to provide. I rarely felt appreciated and to this day I still don’t feel like he understood the magnitutde of pressure it was on me to have to be the sole provider. He basically focused on how sorry he felt for himself and how depressed he was. He didn’t help much around the house and it just caused major waves in our relationship. Even though he has gone back to work the effects of what went through are still very much there. I’m guessing it will just take time….
Hello Aja,
The recession has effected my marriage in the worst way possible. After 18 yrs. of marriage my husband wants a divorce. My job was downsized and I started working part-time. We ended up filing for bankruptcy 2 yrs. ago to keep our home. Then our oldest son started college. I have a degree but haven’t been able to find a job with the salary that I was earning before. Unfortunately, instead of us drawing closer while tightening our belts it caused tension, stress and my husband says that he feels that we grew apart.
I still love my husband dearly, but he has a habit of closing up and not sharing when things are stressing him out. I in turn tried to buffer his stress, all the while neither of us being totally honest about how seriously this was effecting us. He was constantly on me about looking for new jobs. This made me feel like a second class citizen in our marriage. It also caused me to turn away and not respond to him. I didn’t feel the romance or that he cherished me the way that he used to. He complains that because I rejected him in this way, he felt unappreciated, unloved and just plain old rejected. The final straw came when I refused to take a job in the local factory. I felt that this would be a dead-end job and that I’d never be able to work in my field or at least to do something better. In hind sight I realize that I should have taken the job to help the family. I’ve apologized, tried to get him to go to counseling and we’ve even met with our pastor. He says that he’s not in love anymore. It’s very, very hard for me to imagine not being with him after 2 children and 18 years. Evenmore, it’s devistating to think that he just gave up on us. Why can’t he see that things can change, trouble doesn’t last always and that our circumstances can change. I’m working a full-time job now with less money than before but it’s very hard knowing that he doesn’t believe in the power of God.
I commend you and your husband for standing strong during this crisis. It’s so easy to throw in the towel. The real test of your love and your faith comes in working together, cutting spending, praying together and trusting each other. I pray that your marriage will grow stronger each day. Keep believing, loving and keep praying.
Sandy
I can’t imagine how painful it is when your partner is willing to give up on all that you have built together. Sadly, I am sure that there are many families right now being affected this way. Thank you for your encouragement and I will pray for you and your family during this difficult time.
My husband has been laid off for almost a year and a half. I must say his lay off was the best thing for us. We now focus on what is important to us and for our family. I started my own business, and it has really flourished. My husband is a semester away from graduating. My daughters have been able to spend more time with their dad then before. Of course, we know a job is not guaranteed after graduation, but we definitely believe that everything has been taken care of. As a couple, we have grown closer. We actually talk more about our finances, and have figured out ways to get rid of unnecessary bills. As for me, I have a better relationship with my Heavenly Father. I believe this also true for my husband.
I know every situation is not like ours, and everyday isn’t easy but I feel more at peace then before the lay-off.
Aja,
I know you do not particularly care for being a stay at home mom, but enjoy it. It is only for a season, and soon those things important to you such as your business and writing will take off, and there will be less time to enjoy those simple moments with your child. Just speaking from my own experience.
@ PKA I understand because this was very similar to my life for 9 months. Feeling unappreciated and living with a husband who did not grasp the magnitude of pressure to be the only income & attend university full time. He focused on how being out of work affected his manhood & ability to provide which fueled the depression. He helped around the house, but housekeeping is not natural for a man. Cooking, cleaning working & going to school alone while married took a drastic toll on my mind, body & spirit. It caused me separate from him. He found a part time job & thank God we are together again.
Sometimes it’s difficult for some men to handle harsh realities such as living in a recession. Relationships can come out stronger if the cracks caused by the pressure hard times are located & fortified to withstand the trials of life. I pray your marriage will grow better each day, that the negative effects will disappear and the only remnants of this will be a stronger love between you two. God Bless.
Idi
I too, was laid off for a year. Unfortunately, I am the sole breadwinner in our home. The stress of that hit home solidly. Fortunately I had a “side gig” that just barely kept us above water. Believe me… it puts a strain on a marriage. I back at work although its for less than half my previous salary. We have learned to go without, and we have been able to spend more time together. Its hard… but we didnt let it break us.
Thank you. I realize that spending these early moments with my little boy is an opportunity that I would not have had otherwise but it has definitely taken a while for me to adjust to the demands of the stay-at-home life and for my husband to understand that being home with our son really is demanding. As I get used to it I am seeing that it becomes easier and know that as much as he drives me nuts I will miss having him around when I get back to work.
Thanks to all who commented. I did not lose my job. My husbands hrs. got cut in half.(This was when gas was over $4 a gallon). My husband took a second (part time) job 3 nights a week . I could have easily payed his share of the bills. He was not having it. What the recession did to us was, disrupt the routine we had. We are too old to be eating late. LOL. 3 nights a week we were eating dinner at almost 11pm. The recession showed me that my husbnd is a man, but also showed me that he didn’t want my help. It was kind of a catch 22 for me. Not one of our utilities got turned off, the Mtg was paid. My Mother-In-Law was a stay at home mom. My Father-In -Law always provided. When my Father-In-Law buys a brand new car, it’s for “his bride”. (When I buy a new car, it’s for me) LOL. The recession did make many married couples rethink divorce. “It is really cheaper to keep em”. LOL. I have many customers at work. Most found the recession a good thing. They got to reconnect, reevaluate their relationship. “For Richer, for Poorer”. I don’t know any couple who got divorced due to the recession. It brought all couples closer together, after they used up all the curse words in their vocabulary of course. LOL.
Wow, I had the same experience. I married my husband, a construction worker while he was laid off. However, I knew he was a hard working man before being laid off. Thankfully I have a very good job and we have no children, and we live well below our means. However, times were tough dealing with his hypersensitivity to just about everything, and when I had to travel for work in a very corporate position. However, you have to work together. I decided to give more, and love him more. My husband spent the last year obtaining his construction license and all necessary insurance and materials. I have never cooked more, cleaned more, loved more. I taught myself quickbooks to support his books, helped him study and am running his marketing. We’ve sold cars and a motorcycle to fuel the business. I am proud to say I am sitting home on a Friday posting this as my husband is completing a 12 hour day where he is wrapping up work for two cleints and jobs and is bidding on a 3rd! There were times I bitched and moaned, but one thing I never did was put him down or let him get lazy. And often, I did it by being motiviated on what I (emphasis) on I could do. Often, being the example is much more powerful than a harsh word.
Wow, I can’t get past the sentence where she stated, ” The job loss has forced me to be a stay-at-home mom, a job that I did not desire to have”. I was a stay at home mom for five years after having twins. I know that this was my choice and it is not for everyone, but I believe that most mothers would like to be home with there children. Although you didn’t desire to have this position I think you should like at the positive side to this. My husband and I lived of one income for a while and once I got back into the workforce I was laid off too due to the recession. I have dealt with feeling of depression, inadequacy and all of the other things that come with being laid off. But being home with my children has been the greatest joy. I encourage you to look at the positive, pray for your husband and yourself and just go through this knowing that it shall pass. Make necessary adjustments not matter how hard they are. Honor your family by getting yourself in a better space. I don’t know you, but I’ll pray for you and your family.
In early 2008, we were newly engaged and both earning 6-figure salaries in NYC. We were planning a wedding and looking at big, beautiful houses in the ‘burbs to buy so we could start filling the rooms with babies once we got married in 2009. Jump to May 2008 when my then-fiance got laid off and then in July, I joined him in the proverbial unemployment line. Luckily, I found a job by September, but my husband did not find a job until weeks before we got married in 2009 (paying him less than half of his previous salary). We returned from our honeymoon, happily in love and thinking, “we made it through the worst of it.” Thanking God we had fared better than a lot of couples going through this recession. He continues to look for better paying jobs constantly amid the news reports saying that we’re in recovery. My husband has 2 degrees, 15+ years experience in his field; he has been looking for a job befitting his education and experience for almost two yrs. He doesn’t say it often but I know he doesn’t like me being the primary breadwinner. The emotional toll has been a rough road and not at all how either of us expected to spend our newlywed-hood.
We’ve cut back a lot– don’t participate in as many social gatherings, dinners out, etc like we used to. As long as the bills are paid is what I tell myself even though I miss shopping and going out. The biggest change that the recession has caused on our marriage is that we haven’t started a family as we wanted to. This bothers me more than anything–1) I am >35 and I’m scared that time will run out on my fertility and 2) my husband doesn’t feel comfortable with me getting pregnant when my salary is the one carrying the biggest part of the load; there are so many uncertainties with a pregnancy that we talk about–what if I cant work because of some health issue during my pregnancy? Or my employer lays off the pregnant woman approaching maternity leave if they need to cut heads in the future? Not to mention the thoughts my husband has that he can’t provide for his wife AND a child at this current salary. So we wait…sigh.
The good things that this recession has done for us is that it’s taught us that we CAN get through tough times. It’s made our relationship stronger. We pray about it, keep on keeping on, and hoping things will change for the better sooner rather than later. We wish the same for all the others who are in this same predicament.
Dear Sandy:
I am new to this site and hence my late response to your email. I actually googled today”how has the recession affectd your marriage?”–and it lead me here. I feel your pain.My wife decided, after almost 25 years of marriage and two beautiful daughters–she was ‘done’. I had Senior executive jobs at Fortune 500 companies–big jobs, big salaries–I only say this to drive a point–I was taking very good care of her and my childrens for 2 1/2 decades.I got laid off in June 09 and have been struggling as a ‘consultant’ and recieiving unemployment for the first time in my career. It is truly sad when a spouse decides, unilaterally, to ‘bail’ –and not see that life changes and then changes again.I have ‘lost’ jobs before-and EVERYTIME I have not only got another one–it was a BETTER one–and I worked hard to get promoted–which I accomplished in each and every one of them,She lost her faith in me–and that really hurt.I have had two full time jobs–1)looking for a job 2) working in therapy. I know that things will change again for you and for me and the countless people out there whose relationships have been mitigated and like mine–forever altered by this recession. This effect on people, their children, and extended family goes sorely undereported in the media–the recession stories rarely , if ever, address the collateral damage that this economic malaise has caused on so many good people.My faith has been tested and if not for the love of my children, my friends, and my former bosses and colleaugues–I would be totally lost. I have also learned that being ‘lost’ is an actual destination on the life’s journey–and it will/does lead to new roads and those lead to new roads–and unfortunately–my wife will be gone when I get back on my feet–and I WILL AS WILL YOU!–but I am trusting that the good lord and all my good karma –will bring me to a wonderful NEW place. I hope the same for you Sandy and to ALL of you who have taken the time to read one mans trial to begin in.
With love,
Mp