By Franchesca Lane-Warren (www.bossygirl1980.com)
For years I have been that parent. You know the parent who is always around, runs complete background checks on the sitter, who rarely leaves their child alone with others, nixes them sleeping over their friend’s house and who constantly has the “talk” about their “private parts” and about who is not supposed to touch them and vice versa. People have laughed at me and called me “overprotective” but I do not care. I am determined to protect my children from monsters that would exploit them.
A couple of weeks ago, when news broke that multiple boys had allegedly been raped and molested at the hands of a popular assistant coach from Penn State, I was sick to my stomach…literally. To make matters worse, recently there have been similar allegations from Syracuse University about another popular basketball couch. As I read all of the sordid details, I kept thinking to myself, “When will the foolishness end?” As I thought about these cases, I began to get ticked off again as I thought about the lifetime of hurt these young men are currently experiencing due in part to the blind trust some parents put into strangers with their kids. While I can not even fathom what the parents of these victims are going through, I do realize there are lessons to be learned that every parent should take from this.
1. Be cautious of allowing your child to spend the night over people’s houses. I used to get a lot of flack about this one but my train of thought is that why would I leave my child (my most prized possession) to spend the night at someone’s house where I can not protect them? It does not make sense. Pedophiles are very manipulative with children and parents. They make the family “trust” them and when everyone feels comfortable…they attack! According to the grand jury report, one of the victims would regularly spend the night at Sandusky’s basement and this is where a lot of the abuse took place.
People prey on children who come from “at risk” homes where parents would be eager for their children to have male mentors. Instead of a “good influence” these boys are scarred for life. My oldest child used to always ask me to let him spend the night with others, but I always nixed the idea. I always told him not only would I have to trust them with his life but I would need to know sleeping arrangements, family members in the house, etc. Needless to say in his eleven years of life, he has only spent the night with one of his friends and just my immediate family members. Some parents look at my behavior as odd, but I am my child’s first protector and if I don’t do my all to protect him…who else will?
2. It’s NEVER too early to have the “talk” with your children. I have talked to all of my children (11, 3, 2) about their body parts. I decided to forgo the “cutesy” names and instead they know all of their body parts’ actual names. I learned this from a friend of mine who worked for Juvenile Court in GA for years and she told me that many molestation cases are thrown out because children refer to their genitals with silly names that make cases against their accusers hard to prove. Not only do my children know the names of their body parts, but I always talk to them about who is supposed to touch them and what is inappropriate. I always remind them that they should tell me ANYTIME they feel uncomfortable about anyone touching them.
3. Let your child know that there is no shame in abuse. Many of the boys in the Penn State and Syracuse child abuse scandals, did not report the abuse because the abusers were prominent men in the community and they did not want to be subjected to the shame associated with abuse. I always tell my children that they should never be ashamed to tell me anything…big or small. They trust me because they know I will not get mad. For example, my oldest son liked a girl in school. Instead of getting defensive and upset, I sat down and talked with him about appropriate behavior. Now he comes to me (or Dad) with other sensitive areas he may be experiencing. Hopefully as a teenager, he will continue with that trust we have built and will alert me if anything is wrong. I constantly remind my children that they should never be ashamed to tell me anything. Yes, they get tired of me telling them that but I know that they understand they can tell me anything.
4. Be leery of giving anyone constant access to your child. One of the most glaring issues in the abuse is that parents gave these coaches constant access to their children in complete trust. The only people I completely trust with my children are my siblings and my mother. Everyone else is looked at with a cautious eye. Of course these men seemed like they were caring and had the child’s best interest in heart but obviously they did not. Any adult who constantly wants your child in their presence you should be leery of. I don’t care if it is a teacher, coach or church member. Does this mean every person is attempting to abuse your child? No, of course not but I do not give people constant access to my children. Instead if he has an event where he is in direct contact with an adult I make sure to speak to the adult beforehand and many times I do not leave him alone with them. So while he is at an athletic event, I am hovering in the corner, reading a book…watching to make sure my child is safe.
As I write this, I am well aware that abuse can occur in the most “solid” families; however, we as parents have to be diligent in protecting our children. Some people may view my lessons as extreme but when dealing with my children I do not like to leave them to chance. Abuse to children is more common that people think and we have to prepare our children for abusers they may come in contact with. If not, cases like this will be more commonplace that we think.
Has the news about Penn State and Syracuse (and other lower-profile cases of sexual molestation and abuse) heightened your sense of duty to keep your kids safe?
Fran is the owner and head writer of lifestyle blog, www.bossygirl1980.com and lifewiththreekids.wordpress.com. You can find her on twitter @Bossygirl1980 reliving the good, bad and strange world of parenting.
Jazzyk2 says
Here here. Especially regarding using correct names for body parts. Would be pedophiles may take a pause if they know your child is savvy about his/her body parts.
Risingfaith says
I totally agree with your rationale. My parents did not allow us to spend the night at people’s houses nor did they allow many people to babysit us. People are TOO trusting with their children. Unfortunately nowadays, anyone is suspect. People may think that is strange, but if these parents kept that premise in the back of their minds, we wouldn’t be reading about Penn State.
Tatia L Sanchez says
These stories make my heart hurt. I empathize so much because I was abused as a child. I can’t bear the thought of it happening to my children so I am also like the author – very protective of my children and talk to them about what’s appropriate and to always tell, no matter what. I think that parents need to be that protective hedge around their children. If you are in a single parent family, it is 100 time harder to do it, but you have to try. You can’t just leave your children to their own devices and hope for the best.
Briana Myricks says
These stories have made me angry because these men were supposed to be adults these kids could trust, and they completely took advantage. It’s awful. These boys are now going through so much pain and suffering of being abused. I’m praying for them, and pray that adults wake up and protect their children.
Hvnly599 says
I also did the same for my children. We as parents need to make sure our children know they are our most prized possessions. As I explained to mine, you see us lock the doors to the car and our house, and those are things that can be replaced. I can’t make another you, so I have to be responsible with who and what I let you be involved with. On another sick note these monsters are trying to get around us teaching our children to tell if someone touches you, by having the child do the “touching”, this increases the child’s silence as they were not “touched” and the child is the one who “did something bad”. The child is then made to feel guilty and afraid that they will now be the one in trouble with both the parents and the police. Please remember they only get one chance to be children, let’s protect them as much as we can!
Guest says
One thing I have learned in my life is that as much as you can try to prevent things, sometimes things happen. I have been sexually abused so don’t think I’m saying that to say “se’ la vie” (or how ever you spell it). I’m saying that you can try your best and there is a chance it can still happen. Due to my abuse, I have such extremes with my son also. However, I am learning that my extreme-ness may affect him in a not so positive way too. I don’t want him to be scared of the world (although it is a scary place). I want him to feel comfortable and learn how to discern who to trust and who not to. To be able to use his best judgement. I am learning to do the same because I used to live in a box and while I sure was protected, life was miserable. I think there’s a balance. I have a core set of people that I completely trust my son with and it takes hell and a highway to get on that list but with those people, he can spend the night, go to things, etc. It’s not a lot of people but there are non-family members (though they are friends of 10+ years) on that list. If the dynamic changes though (ex. they bring a brother I never met) then my spidy senses go up again and I pull my son out of the equation. Even family members can abuse though so you never really know. I guess my point is, I completely understand the article and in a lot of ways that was and still is me. However, there’s a balance to a point to not make your own and your child(ren) lives full of paranoia (sp?).
Omolara Kim says
Well said….. This was exactly mum my did to us when were much younger.
She was so protective (still protective). she always checked us, talked to us and made sure nobody was touching us.
We are all girls in my family so she is overprotective and she does not let anything pass her eye. Even as an adult I find myself telling her things in complete trust because she has built that trust with us.
I agree with the author that building trust with your children and telling them about their body parts is important. No matter what happens they will always hear mum’s voice in the background and if something unusual occurs they will not feel comfortable and will most likely talk about it straightway.
God will continue to protects us and give us wisdom to protect ourselves from the dangers of this world…..
ichoosethesun says
Good lessons. I would add: empower your child to speak up for themselves with ALL adults if they feel uncomfortable. As this case and many others have taught us, we should be more concerned about the “caring” adults around our children than the strangers they may encounter. By empowering our children to stand up for themselves (even with us as parents or Aunt soandso or Grandpa soandso – respectfully of course), we grant them the gift of having a voice and this is something that is often taken for granted.
Tinalee says
Well written. Thanks for sharing!
Francis Nmeribe says
My wife and I believe in teaching and we actually teach our two daughters and son about their body parts. Thanks for sharing this. I know that it would certainly be helpful in protecting the children from evil men and women and help them see deceit when it is coming.
SYPHROSE says
my four year old daughter was abused by her two cousins when i left her in the custody of my mother. am hurt todate and the word strict cant explain how tight iam around her. am glad some one out there shaes the same thoughts with me. not even family can be trusted with our most prized jewels. we just need to take extra precautions when it comes to them and build trust that can not be broken so than no body exploits them