When I got married five years ago, I was under the impression that because I was now a married women that me and my husband would do everything equally. You know, if I cooked dinner one night he would cook the next night. If I happened to clean up the closet one week, the next week he would do the same. To make matters worse, my mother-in-law’s favorite song, “When Someone Loves You,” constantly played in her house. I was being brainwashed about what to expect in a marriage.
I got married in a glorious wedding ceremony and we had the perfect honeymoon, but as the days, weeks, and months started to pass by I started to get pissed off. Where was all of this 50/50 love I had heard so much about? There were some days were everything was 50/50, but there were some days were it was 60/40 or 70/30! (GASP!)
Were we doing something wrong? Did this mean we would not “make it”? Nope, I was about to get “schooled” on why a 50/50 relationship is a thing of the past.
Tired of feeling like I was doing everything, I decided to approach this topic as diplomatic as possible. One night (fed up) I screamed during an argument, “I do everything around this house!” In his ever-calm way he replied, “Everything in our marriage can’t be equal. Sometimes I will do more than you and sometimes you will do more than me.” Still salty about cleaning the house more than him, I gave him the side eye to make sure he understood that I was serious and we cleaned up together but this comment made me think. Could a marriage survive if everything wasn’t 50/50?
I was about to find out how this 50/50 model was not in our cards because I decided to go to graduate school. In the two years I was in this program, I became the slacker around the house. I couldn’t clean like I wanted to and he picked up my slack. I couldn’t cook like I wanted to and he cooked for the whole family. There were times I had to miss school events for our son because I was preparing my thesis and he went. Were tables turning? Was I going to have eat those words I had screamed a couple of years prior? Of course I had to and with that I developed four reasons why I do not buy into a totally 50/50 love.
1. A 50/50 relationship implies that you are keeping score of every deed you do. Everything I did in the marriage I expected him to reciprocate in some way. So if I cleaned out the kitchen one morning, I expected him to do the same. This created a “you owe me” attitude (by yours truly), which eventually translated as me being angry. There were times when he would come home from working 12 hours; would I really expect him to cook dinner because I did the night before? Absolutely not. Or what about days when he cleaned out my truck; would he expect me to clean out his? Heck, no. We just understand that we do as much as we can for each other without a record of doing. A relationship is not about keeping tabs; it’s about helping your partner in areas they are weak in.
2. There are some things my better half just can’t do better than me. One time I asked my husband to wash, dry and fold a load of laundry. Knowing I would be super pissed if he didn’t, he obliged. He worked really hard and when I got home he proudly told me that the laundry was done. As I went upstairs to the laundry room I noticed that yes the laundry was done but it wasn’t done the way I wanted it done. (I am super anal about how clothes are folded.) SIGH… Did I march downstairs and curse him out and demand for the laundry to be redone? No, I just never asked him to do laundry again. So what’s the lesson learned in this? Accept that there are things you have to do to get them the way you want them and vice versa.
3. Sometimes in a relationship you have to “take one for the team” and keep it moving. This is a controversial one right here but let me give it to you straight with no chaser. Sometimes in a relationship you have to pick up where your mate can not for whatever reason. Let me give you an example. Right out of college I was the one who got the “good” job first. My husband was hitting the pavement but because of his field, the job market was slow. Even though he wanted to, there was no way he was going to be able to contribute equally financially. I dealt with it because I knew there may be a time when I could not do the same. And just like I predicted there are times when he had to pay a bigger portion of the bills””for whatever reason. I appreciate that instead of arguing and accusing we just do what we have to do and realize that there will come a time when the situation could be vice versa.
4. Appreciate your mate’s talents and work with those. I appreciate that he will unstop the toilet after one of the kids have stuck a toy in it and he appreciates that I will negotiate with the cable company for a lower rate. We use our talent to help in the marriage and it works for us.
The truth of the matter is that you have to construct the boundaries of your relationship. I’m not saying that you should be doing everything all the time, but sometimes doing everything is the only way to get anywhere in the marriage. In a perfect relationship (who has one of those?) everything would of course be equal but since no one is perfect I highly doubt you will find a couple where is equal.
So what do you think about the 50/50 model? Do you follow it? How is it working for you?
Dejalive04 says
I Too Like the writer had the same brain-washing as a child and I thought you do for me and I do for you was how a relationship worked and I’m sad to say that it almost ruined my marriage.. Its still a subject I try real hard to work through because its embedded n me but I am getting better, because I do not want my 2 daughters to have to learn the way I had to learn and still learning.. The hard way.. Its not easy to break this 50/50 rule but I am realizing that my husband does some things better than me and I do somethings better than him, to accept that we are different and that we both are working together to achieve the sane goal and that is make this marriage work and to raise our family no matter if I put in 70 and he put in 30 or vice versa.. We are all working together and that’s more important than a 50/50 rule..
Mebrownjr says
I couldn’t agree more!!! This is an article that I must share with my wife, because she also felt that marriage is 50/50. I hope she can see that the true value of marriage is to have a partner along the journey to help you, when you can’t help yourself. And to know that you don’t have to do it all, all the time.
tcharles says
Man….all this right here is the TRUTH.com. I am over the 50/50 mess, and realize we both play to our strengths and keep it moving. I no longer get in his way when he is doing what he is good at, and he lets me do what he knows I want done a certain way. There is peace in that.
Mr. Shannon says
Funny how she made all the money, did all the work, cooked all the food. And all he did was unstop a toilet and wash a car. lol
I can probably guess 100 things (not listed of course) that he did & does that she can’t do, fix, pay for or ever touch. Had the article been more centric, I’d tend to agree, but since it’s obviously biased for women… Enjoy ladies. 🙂
Draelee says
i feel you but i would like to believe what i got out of it is playing to each others strengths plain and simple. my aunt and uncle are like this relationship in the article and it works for them. my parents are totally opposite and it works for them. so i would say dont be to harsh man im sure she wasnt trying to be biased in any way with the story.
Peace
Estelle says
Maybe it’s because I got married at 35 or maybe it’s because in my life I’ve seen many different models of happy working marriage that didn’t fit “the mold” but I never fell for the 50/50 dream. It just can’t work. If I’m better at something I do it and vice versa. Sometimes I just can’t do that thing he does just the way he wants it done but he can’t get to it so I take a deep breath and do my best, because it needs doing. Life isn’t 50/50 why would marraige be??
JF says
Once you get focused on these models and molds, you’ve already messed up. I think the couple needs to define their own marriage/relationship and what’s good and not good because at the end of the day you owe yourselves the happiness and joy and peace of mind, not any unreasonable societal standards. I think both people just need to play their part, work their strengths and be considerate to each other and be honest when something is going on that’s not pleasing because will cause resentment later. 50/50 is a ridiculous notion in itself. Unless both have the same hours, make the same money etc…it doesn’t make sense. Then, you must consider that men and women may look at contributions the totally differently. If a man is working 12 hour days and the woman is working 8 hours and they do 50/50 on chores, kids, bills etc, then that’s not 50/50. If a woman is paying 75% of bills and splitting everything else, that’s not 50/50. I mean, there is too much room for misunderstanding, resentment and issues thinking about this 50/50 thing. We just need to be a team. If my wife is better than I am at organizing things or laundry etc, then she is the go-to for that. If I have a situation where I can work 12 hour days and make money, or someone needs to work two jobs or grave shifts, then I do that. It’s about teamwork, working towards a goal and being considerate and respectful. Reciprocity is a must, but the concept of 50//50 is so ambiguous that it will inevitably cause problems.
JF
Dr Jenkins04 says
Great article. 50/50 has never been a successful model. It simply isn’t possible. A successful marriage is grounded in the fact that we can be up together but if we don’t have each other’s back when one of us is down, then strain occurs. The fact is, a successful marriage is give and take. Just as you alluded to, couples compliment each other, not duplicate each other.
Smith says
If I’m doing the same amount if work before I joined forces, I should be single. Sex & company is not enough to live with you
Mahab75 says
I would hope that your marriage would be more than just sex and company. That’s kind of sad.
Labeano121 says
I’m doing more work now than prior to marriage. I see him doing less. I work a night and a day job and am held responsible for cooking and cleaning and paying bills. Its been this way since marriage. I’m sick of it. I’ve discussed my frustrations, but nothing changes. Being single is the bomb compared to this hell.
KEITH says
Whenever you try to do something other than what God says it won’t work. When I got married what stuck most in my mind was when a man and woman are joined together in marriage they are no longer two they are ONE. I lived that each day. I no longer work my husband works two jobs, full time job and a part-time job. I have had some fellow Christians say to me how you get a new dress you don’t work. What’s my husbands is mine and what’s mine is my husbands. I know married people where each have their own bank account. One don’t know what the other have. We have one joined account, When I worked my husband paid all the major bills house note, car note, light bill, insurances etc. out of his check,but our checks went in one account and I wrote all the checks. After years of marriage we never argue about money or who should do what. The reason I haven’t worked in three is because my mother is disabled and we brought her home so I could take care of her. We try to build our home based on God’s word with Jesus the head. If you truly love someone you want count who does what, Where would we be if God kept score of what we do for Him compared to what He do for us!
Katherine Phillips says
This has totally been my way of thinking for years. I am slowly growing out of it but it’s hard.
Addie M. says
Pretty good article. I would just say that no marriage should be 50/50; its not about keeping score but each party should be putting in 100% of whatever they have to contribute to the relationship. Regardless of whether one person may be “better” at something than their spouse, that should not mean that the other spouse should use that as an excuse not to help out. I may be better at cleaning than my husband, but should that mean he never has to do it? Anyone who thinks that they can remain happy in a relationship where they are doing the lions share of the work simply because they are “better at it” is fooling themselves. Eventually, you may become bitter and resentful, which in the long run will be more damaging to the relationship than simply letting your partner know that they need to step up to the plate. I realize there are situations in every marriage where one person is going to do more, either because one person makes more than the other, one may be a stay at home spouse/parent, or there may be health or other issues that affect a person’s ability to make a full contribution. Obviously, if I make twice as much as my husband, it would be grossly unfair to expect him to pay half of everything, and the reality is if you are married, there really shouldn’t be mine and yours; it’s all ours. At the same time, the fact that I make more should not mean that he doesn’t chip in for bills. Similarly, if I were a stay at home mother, it would be perfectly reasonable for my husband to expect me to handle the majority of the household responsibilities (cooking, clealing, etc.), but at the same time, there is no reason why he can’t pitch in from time to time to give me a break, or at the very least, be courteous and clean up after himself so as not to make extra work for me. Unfortunately, situations like this are the exception and not the rule; I would venture to guess that in the majority of marriages today, both parties have to work in order to provide the family with a decent standard of living, both parties have to contribute financially, but too often, despite the fact that she works outside the home, the woman is expected to still carry the responsibility of keeping the household clean and orderly. Sorry, Men, but it’s the truth and if you ask your married female friends and relatives, they will tell you that this true. And here’s a news flash: it is not unique to Black men; this is trend that transcends both race and class. So no, 50/50 will probably never work for anyone, but women should also not be afraid to speak up when their partner is not doing his share. You may think that you are being a good wife by biting your tongue and trying to be superwoman, but in the end, when you get tired of it (and sooner or later you will), the longer you have allowed the situation to continue, the harder it will be to correct it. Or better yet, make your expections known going in, and make sure that you and your partner are in agreement about how the parameters of the relatinship will be set, and while also being prepared to re-examine those ideals that simply don’t work. Best of luck to everyone!
IAAMM says
I agree with JF. Relationships and standards are only defined by its participants.
IAAMM says
I agree with JF. Relationships and Standards are determined by the parties involved!
Takiia says
Great article, Fran. I am not married but I guess I have this, too, to look forward to.
loveworkrepeat says
I love this article! I agree with so many of the points made here. Many couples who have been married for 10 or more years will tell you that the 50/50 model doesn’t always work. I think initially most couples do abide by this model in early on in their marriage but as you grow in your relationship and your common goals and circumstances change you have to make the necessary adjustment IF you want the marriage to work. I really enjoy your site overall and we try to deliver similar messages on our site http://www.loveworkrepeat.com.
Kay says
Marriage needs to have a 100% effort from both the husband and wife. Situations change in life and their may be times when one has to pull more weight than the other mate. If both are giving their best efforts and maximizing each others talents, it produces more rewards than the 50/50 “tic for tac” relationship.
Sheldon says
I truly think that many women are too focused on the EQUAL crap that it blind them from loving truly.. .giving all of themselves and loving their partner. Looking at our grandparents… WhomI respect, most of them did not cry over who would be steering the car… Men are I think “under appreciated in today’s life” whereas a single woman with a CHILD is a victim of the man… so not true….
I think that a man has a responsibility to his family… but a WOMAN has a responsibility to her man… As a t traditional Christian man.. I think that the greatest job in the world is a mother…. ALL life passes through her… read the Bible people ! basic instructions there…