Me: “Babe we must be doing something wrong”
Her: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Something just isn’t right, we should be mad at each other more often and we should be fighting more….shouldn’t we!?”
Her: (while smiling) “We could, but that wouldn’t be good for either of us now would it?”
Simple concept, but the application is way more complex for some people. This is an actual conversation I had with my wife because society has a way of telling you that you can’t be actually and truly happily married. Many are unhappy in their relationships because of this little thing called mindset. Some people want so bad to be mad that they refuse to give themselves permission to be happy. What we don’t realize is that if we change our mindsets we can change the outcomes! Here are a few ways to help change your mindset in your marriage.
1) You get more bees with honey!
Ok I get it….sometimes your mate can do things that make you mad. Sometimes you have to take a step back though…and ask yourself, in the grand scheme of things, is it that really that serious? Is it that serious that he left that bowl upstairs instead of putting it in the sink? Is it that serious that she went $50 over the budget last month? Was it worth the big argument, silent treatment for 2 days, and no sex for a week or was it just that you wanted a reason to be mad? Instead of a big argument consider handling it this way:
When he does put the bowl in the sink say “babe I appreciate you putting that in the sink this time and not leaving it upstairs, that really helps me out a lot when I get ready to wash the dishes.”
When she stays in the budget, tell her how much you appreciate it and how it helps you so much when you are trying to make sure you reach your financial goals.
This may seem like the “soft” approach, but remember this is your mate, not your child. Therefore, you probably aren’t going to accomplish much being in attack mode or threatening. Plus the more time you spend angry and upset, the less time you will be spending loving each other.
2) Just smile and kiss!
When you wake up in the mornings and as soon as you walk through the door in the evenings, just smile, and kiss your mate. When you hear that voice telling you that you’re supposed to be mad about something, just tell it to shut up! You have control of your mood and your attitude and choosing to be happy about seeing and being with the person you CHOSE makes a huge difference. One of the ways it becomes easy to be mad with our mates is because we disconnect from them. We find time to do everything but hug, kiss, and smile at the person we say we love. It’s hard to always be mad at the person you hug, kiss, and smile at everyday!
3) Don’t wait until it’s too late!
Many people are consistently mad at their mates because they don’t communicate about what’s bothering them until they’ve given time for the anger to build up and then they explode. Instead of just saying that you are bothered or annoyed by something he or she is doing, you approach it with passive aggressive behavior. You give the cold shoulder and when asked what’s wrong you say “nothing.” You introduce tension into your relationship and you don’t even let your mate in on the secret. This is the person you are supposed to be able to bring anything to so do that sooner than later! Relationships aren’t without conflict but if your choice is to be happy in your relationship then your mindset should be to solve the conflicts so you can get back to the loving!
4) Get happy within yourself!
Often times, our relationships aren’t happy because WE aren’t happy! We have leftover baggage, we hold on to grudges, and we don’t feel good about ourselves, so it becomes impossible to be happy with our mate. Sometimes the people closest to you catch all of the residual effects of your anger and issues. You become mean to your mate, angry at your children, and envious of anything that looks happy. The only way to change that mindset is to get right within you. If you have baggage, seek some individual counseling. If you’re unhappy with the way you look, do things like exercise, eat healthier or get a makeover. Your family and relationship needs you to be the best you mentally, physically, and emotionally!
Relationships aren’t perfect, but happy relationships take two people consciously focusing on how they can make each other happy! Sometimes happiness just takes a change in mindset and sometimes it means ignoring all of the people who told you that you aren’t supposed to be happy! So when people say: “y’all can’t be that happy”….my reply is “we actually are and that’s because we CHOOSE to be!”
BMWK Family what other changes in mindset can help change a relationship for the better?