by Eric Payne
I recently had the pleasure of meeting the male mind behind Black And Married With Kids dot com, Mr. Lamar Tyler. During our lunchtime summit on all things Black, Married and Kids, he casually dropped a term that hit me like a bag of bricks: A Friend of Your Marriage. I didn’t need any explanation from him to know exactly what he meant.
There are times when I believe my wife has lost her mind. Friends of My Marriage may laugh at, but typically don’t cosign on my opinions or emotions in moments like these. They are less concerned with what she is or isn’t doing and more concerned that I am doing all I can to live up to my end of the marriage contract/covenant.
They’ve even gone so far as to suggest that I’ve played a role in my wife’s alleged insanity. And there have been times when they’ve extended themselves to hear us out to help us sort things out when we’ve hit our rough patches. Recently, a friend dropped his bible and concordance in my lap and told me, “Everything you need to succeed is in here.” I was horrified.
With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
On the flipside, I once had a friend pull me aside to show me a picture of his lady on the side. She was as naked as jaybird. As my eyes widened, my friend announced, “Life is too short. I’m not gonna sit around here and be miserable without having somewhere to go to have fun.” Right then and there I determined I would NEVER EVER discuss my marriage with this man because he wasn’t a friend of his own marriage. There was no way he could be one to mine.
But this isn’t only about men.
Ladies, when things go off track in your marriage as they sometimes do, are the people who have your ear and your back strong in their relationships with their husbands, in their faith, and/or in their message (MESS + AGE = Wisdom)? Or do they even know what a healthy relationship is? Do they hop around like bunny rabbits from one chaotic situation to the next, looking for love in all the wrong places with men who were never right for them in the first place? Are they selfish beyond repair and so myopic that the men of their lives have become all men in existence, and “all men” is the reason why they are single?
Life is lived in stages and on levels. If the people advising you aren’t married, they either haven’t reached your level or they’ve failed trying to exist there. For them to speak on your marriage is no different than a man telling you how he gave birth to his first child. So the question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you are truly seeking advice and counsel, or do you simply want someone to agree with you, support and back you up in the current place where you are — even if you happen to be wrong?
Other People Who Aren’t Friends of Your Marriage
The coworker who seems to do all the things your spouse won’t do. This person comes off genuinely concerned about your well-being and the well-being of your relationship, even though they don’t know your spouse and don’t know you except for what you show and tell them.
No different than what you did when you and your spouse first met. Does he or she make themselves available to you to lend an ear, just to talk, or to have a cup of coffee? Has it moved from the controlled environment of the public and infiltrated the privacy of your home in the form of willy-nilly texting and the occasional phone call in the bathroom?
No matter the hour, do they just seem to be that voice of reason you can depend on, especially as things get worse at home? [Note: And why wouldn’t they? Your marriage now has three or more people in it.] Doesn’t it feel exciting and wonderful to have your very own personal 24-hour crisis line? Yeah, run! If you don’t, sooner or later you’ll be in the arms of another in a field no greener than the one you’re presently in, wondering how in the world you got there.
The woman who works out at your gym who has a body to die for, grown kids, is successfully and confidently divorced, owns her own house and car, isn’t helpless, has the wind at her back and life on her side, laughs at everything you say and doesn’t shy away from giving you advice about what you could and should do with your wife — once you bring up the subject.
What a coincidence that she “popped up” out of nowhere though she was always there. What happened is that you never considered speaking to her until you and your wife stopped talking to one another. Eventually you both advance the conversation from talking about what you should be doing and discussing more and more what your wife should be doing for you. Your wonderful, electric, heartfelt talks move from the gym, to the parking lot, to the Starbucks around the corner, to that nice, quiet little restaurant at the waterfront on Thursday for lunch, then drinks on Friday after work before you go home to your family, then dinner whenever and however you can sneak it in. Yeah, run! There is a rendezvous and a double life with your name written all over it.
Best Friends Of Marriage
This isn’t to say that people outside of your marriage can’t have genuine concern for you. But barring worst case scenarios such as physical abuse and perpetual infidelity, it’s up to you to seek out wise counsel.
You don’t need people who are going to agree with you, because you don’t qualify as wise counsel. Neither are people who don’t know you or your spouse and aren’t professionals in the field of marriage counseling or therapy, even if they seem really nice and grounded. All they know is what you allow them to know by only telling your side of the story. And there’s always more than one side.
Successfully married folks typically make the best Friends of Marriage because they’ve weathered storms, won and now have the tools to win. They’ve been where you’ve been, sometimes repeatedly. They have no problem telling you when you’re wrong. They typically are able to find the wrong in both parties so both of you can get to right, together. Wise counsel doesn’t merely support. It corrects.
If you value your marriage you’ll do your best to ignore the trick that would lead you to believe that everything that is wrong with your spouse is everything that is right with your coworker, girlfriend’s best friend from college, homie’s cousin’s sister’s friend, community center director, milkman or anyone for that matter. Please, be careful. Guard your hearts. The body only follows once the heart creates a path.
No different than opting for surgery, seek advice from those who have a track record of success. Hang out here at Black And Married With Kids and get involved in the conversations. Be open to the idea of taking instruction from people who might not agree with you. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to seek help. Too much is on the line to allow pride to get in the way.
Have all the friends you want, but know who to talk to about your marriage. More importantly, know who not to talk to.
BMWK do you have friends of your marriage? Have you ever been in any of the situations above?
Want professional help with your marriage for a fraction of the price? Learn how to prepare for and overcome life’s challenges in your marriage. Get the tools you need to turn your marriage around. Click here to find out how from the country’s top African American marriage experts.
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), Eric talks about being a father and a husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler – Man, Dad, Husband. You can follow him on Twitter, or find him on his Facebook Page. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories and in his spare time writes NYC tourism articles for NYMetropolista.com is a contributing writer for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
TheMrs says
Love this!!! I recently had this conversation with both my brother and my sister-in-law recently as well as with my own husband over the years. Be mindful of who you take relationship advice from…i.e. the pathological liar and cheating brother, the mother who's marriage lasted a couple of months, or the friend that has a wife, a babymom, and a couple of girlfriends!!! I have plenty of girlfriends that I just can't talk to about our issues because they are not where I am nor have they ever been. My husband actually was confiding in a coworker about our problems (she was atleast 10 yrs older then us, had older children, but she was single), her response…find someone else who will appreciate you and I'll hook you up with this friend of mine. So not the right response and hence that friendship is over. I had to explain to him that just because she is older and has lived more doesn't mean that she has sound advice, you need to find someone that is where you are or who has surpassed you in order to get advice on what you need to do or just to bounce information off of.
Psychstudent71 says
My best Marriage advice came from my parents who had been married 39 years before my dad passed. I always tried to avoid people who give me advice on things they are not good at themselves.
I hope more people see this.
Sonya T says
I really needed this post. I recently had a conversation with my guy about a female friend of his that he could only talk to when I was not around. I explained to him that women that care about your relationship go out of their way to make your lady comfortable. I went so far as used an example. He told me when he called her she said ” What you are calling me, she must not be around.” I told him that endorsed the behavior. Told her she never asked about us just about him. She was not for us but for him.
Lamar says
All good points
LadyD says
SonyaT,
I have recently gone through the same sort of scenario. My husband of several years has a “friend” at his job who he can not speak to when I'm around. Once I discovered her phone number he lied about who she was and I went on to find out that he sees her when he's hanging out at the bar each Tuesday with his coworkers. I was distraught at the news and felt/feel betrayed. We've been married going on 2 years, but together for 6, and I never saw this coming. I think he began to feel suffocated from the responsibility of being a husband, father, son and brother and it all became too much.
He says he is not dealing with her anymore. At some point I will question if he has spoken to her; if she's called or if she's shown up when he's out on his weekly visit to the sports bar (which is something else I don't agree with). My hope is that he recognizes the wrong he brought into our relationship and he has resolved this issue of his outside “friend.” I hope your situation gets better, too.
Harriet says
Wow. Sometimes I wonder if parents and in-laws are friends of my marriage. They can be two faced at times. LOL It gets a little grayish when it comes to blood at times. Nevertheless, we do have both friends and mortal enemies of our marriage. It's important to know who's who. GREAT article, E. Payne!
Lamar says
Just because they're blood doesn't mean they're advocates and friends of your marriage. People really, really, really need to understand this and don't take it for granted that they want the best for your marriage even though they should.
EPayne says
Amen, amen, and amen. And I'll second that with another Amen.
TheMrs says
YES, YES, YES!!!! My mother in law is definitely not a friend of our marriage, she wants my husband all to herself rather than being happy that her baby boy found someone to love him unconditionally and spend his life with. Now this is not to say that my own mother has been the most supportive(she has said on more than one occassion to make sure I go to court to get what is owed to me…lol) but she isn't the one working on breaking us up.
TCB says
Wow, Harriet brings up a great point about parents or let's add siblings too being friends of marriage. In my case — NOT! Even among our married friends unfortunately I have to say that about 60-70% of these marriages are shaky alliances built on a foundation of mistrust, infidelity & disrespect. So, obviously, we don't go seeking advice among our small peer group. We usually look to couples married 50+ years from our Sunday School class for advice as they have weathered many storms and are here today, smiling and loving life!
I was just talking to hubby the other day about how depressing it was that we had soo many friends whose marriages are a farce. Combine that with the terrible marriage track record in my family and sometimes it makes me feel like we are all headed in that direction of doom? (Does anyone ever feel this way sometime) So I try to surround myself with positive examples to remind me that marriages can be loving, trusting, respectful and fun relationships.
EPayne says
Admittedly and sadly I've felt the same way TCB (doomed to repeat the mistakes of those who came before me) – not so much from my side where everyone is married, but from my better half's side where that isn't so much the case. I think you're on the right track with the wagons you've circled around you sound like the right wagons.
MrsTDJ says
Great post E! Elders with long standing marriages are often great friends of your marriage. The minister who married us added a section into our ceremony where those in attendance all stood, turned to the person to their left or right and repeated, “Today, I stand to honor and support this couple in their marriage. For are they are uniting before God, they are also uniting before me. I vow to love, pray and stand in the gap for their marriage at times when they cannot.” I've never forgotten those words and years later, family and friends remind us of how much that part touched them.
EPayne says
Sounds like that was a wonderful experience. Thank you for lending your voice to this.
TheMrs says
This was also done at my brother's wedding less than a year ago. The minister actually asked for the elders of the families and the married couples in the families to stand and did a small section about us supporting and praying for them as they entired into this next area of their lives. I don't remember exactly what she said because I was crying like a baby.
Cuttsup says
I agree with many things written here. Couples must seek out wise counsel that directs them to the word of God, or might I say Godly principals. The couple must be very honest and open about their own short-comings, and we all come up short. The couple must allow themselves to be vunerable and humle with their spouse about the expectations each have for their marriage and work a plan that is God centered, agreed upon by both and brings satisfaction for the couple. It's work. It has to be done daily. You have to be truthful and honest to yourself if you really want your marriage to work or are you lying to yourself. God Bless You All. Life is too short and your spouse could be dead in a blink of an eye, then none of the things you quarrel about or talk to anyone about would matter. I'd bet you all would give anything for your partner to come back to life just to experience them again. Don't learn this by experience, love, forgive, forget, trust, lust, laugh and let go.
LGnLA says
BIG THANKS, this is a great article!! I'm single and actually I DON'T want to hear about your marriage woes… that ish scares me, which is why I'm still happily single… have a great day everybody!
Lamar says
Glad to see you just weren't nodding your head and pretending to listen to my blabber lol. Great post and an important concept that all married couples need to understand, especially when you've hit a rough patch. Not everyone is rooting for your marriage and what is in it's best interest so you need to make sure you surround yourself with people that are. This is a little nugget we picked up while becoming certified trainers of the Basic Training For CouplesSingles curriculum.
EPayne says
I second this point. Someone over on Facebook defended singles saying that all singles aren't incapable of giving impartial advice. Of course they aren't. But that wasn't what this was about it was about improper advice that isn't actually advice at all wreaking havoc on your life when things aren't going along well, you're vulnerable and insecure. You need people that are going to help you be strong not just get upset or get even. Single, married, old, young bad counsel is just bad.
MrsT says
You betta say that! I could not agree more E. Payne! The sad thing is as TCB said, its hard to find other couples with real marriages that you can look to and rely on for sage advice. But this post certainly makes it easier to know your friends from your enemies.
EPayne says
Good point but I just want to clarify that an enemy to your marriage doesn't necessarily make them your enemies. They're just people you shouldn't be discussing your marriage with…unless of course there are some other underlying issues on the table.
Linda Dominique Grosvenor says
Great article and I definitely want to share this with my “love better” group because we need to know just like we should have inner court and outer court friends the same goes for our marriages. I am a staunch advocate of marriage and believe that putting up boundaries is a necessity. It's actually my FB status this morning where I share a Relationship Tip of the Day: Remember putting boundaries around your relationship is all about keeping the love intact and those who want to do it harm completely OUT! But you've BOTH got to employ the boundaries for it to work!
Very on time article Eric!
EPayne says
Thanks, Linda!
Spenser Avery says
“”Life is lived in stages and on levels. If the people advising you arent married, they either havent reached your level or theyve failed trying to exist there. For them to speak on your marriage is no different than a man telling you how he gave birth to his first child.””
I have NOTHING more to add, you covered it very well. I did however RE-Read this with my wife.
Thank you.
Prude Nomore says
Thank you for posting this article. I have been in the process of correcting my past mistakes of airing my marriage's dirty laundry in the wrong environment. Thank you for confirming that an enemy to your marriage doesn't necessarily make them your enemies. They're just people you shouldn't be discussing your marriage with. My attitude is changing towards my marriage. I have chosen to be a friend of my marriage regardless of where the conflict meter is at any given time.
EPayne says
Good luck in your new walk. It sounds like you've reached a point of clarity and peace.
David Patrick says
You've said it all in this post. I saw a study that said that when friends get divorced you become 75% more likely to get a divorce, because you begin to question your own relationship. This is an enemy of your marriage. My wife and I are very selective as to the married friends that we hang out with and “receive” from. There are couples that we can pour into, but not receive from because they have nothing to offer us. It's so important to guard our marriages.
CieCie says
E Payne PREACH!!! I read this yesterday and looked over my shoulders to see if I could see you peeking through the fence! lol The person in question depicts qualities from both the coworker and the woman examples, definitely has me on the ropes and down on my knees in prayer. I'm getting weak ya'll. Although I am not married yet, I have someone who is good to me that I don't want to hurt. But oh can I talk to ya'll for a moment my BMWK family?? The devil has my ear, my cell phone, and many times of the day my mind. He has me questioning if my current relationship will last.
As far as friends of my relationship. I have 1 person who will read this post (hey girl) and has given the best advice “stay in prayer”. Another friend although she's older, I cannot consider her advice as she always tell me what I want to hear, not necessarily what is right.
I'm going back to my prayer closet now.
Ladyceo2003 says
While I mostly agree with this article, I have to diagree with the statement “Life is lived in stages and on levels. If the people advising you arent married, they either havent reached your level or theyve failed trying to exist there. For them to speak on your marriage is no different than a man telling you how he gave birth to his first child.” I ask, if you go to the doctor to get a cure for your ailment, how often do you ask the doctor has he ever had that same ailment? Never! Just because a person isn't married doesn't mean they can't give good advice or check you when you are wrong. Same with someone who has been divorced — what better person to tell you what NOT to do than someone who has made the mistake and (in most cases) lived to regret it because it meant the end of their marriage. Us married folks need to stop acting like we are in some exclusive club that no one understands…
Harriet says
LOL, Lady…sometimes it does seem like we're “in some exclusive club that no one understands.” Although I can't speak for E. Payne's thought process when he wrote this, I can speak for his character. I'm sure he didn't mean it that way.
At any rate, that “exclusive club” has been talked about on this site in the past. Check it out at the following link: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2010/04/13/s…
It's entitled, “Single State Amnesia.” I've put my foot in my mouth on this topic too many times to count. LOL!
EPayne says
Harriet, as always, thanks for having my back, but I hope my character isn't up for debate over a sentence in an opinion piece. By the way, Ladyceo, that sentence that jumped out at you about life being lived in stages isn't mine to claim, but a combination of wisdom that's been poured out over me by a number of different pastors over time that I actually didn't even believe until recently.
I'll say it like I said it on the Facebook discussion that erupted around this piece. If your heart is guarded than YOU will know the character behind the advice you receive from someone. Single, married, or divorced a person's advice can merely be an excuse for their failures. Or it could be the thing you needed to hear that day, week, month, hour, etc. I did mention in the piece about Mess+Age=Wisdom – that will typically come from either a sage married person, or a sage divorced person, but honestly speaking, a marriage is a spiritual arrangement and even if it isn't for everyone out there reading this article, it is definitely a foreign land compared to that land that singles live in. Doctor's may not have the same ailment but they study the ailments. What single person takes the time to learn and understand what it means to be married before being married themselves? Apples and oranges, sorry. I dare anyone to say they've sought out a marriage counselor who is single. I'd take a divorced counselor over a single one any day of the week. Until recently I was right there with you believing that there was no exclusivity to being married, I still don't view it as exclusive, but someone who doesn't have to live under the same roof, care for children and care for the one they have those children with simply doesn't understand the day to day nuances of married life. That has nothing to do with exclusivity. That's just the facts. And most single folks I know not only agree with me but don't even want the stress. One woman on Facebook actually commented by saying, “You married people save all your talk about marriage for other married people. I don't want to hear it.” And as someone who is going through an extremely rough patch I know the difference between between being checked and being yessed or being tempted and I've observed the same dynamics developing around my wife. To your very point about the doctor – that doctor has a body of wisdom built up by education, but what about experience? What about a surgeon…would you go to a surgeon who simply knows what a disease is or would you go to THE surgeon who has established himself as an expert in the field as a result of his repeated and respected practice in the field? Or would you allow yourself to be a guinea pig for the brand new surgeon? The hospital wouldn't even allow that, which is why new surgeons merely assist until they get enough surgeries under their belts. Advice was but a fraction of the totality of this piece but the truth is advice can cut like a surgeon's knife, either leading to healing or creating a catastrophe. I personally would prefer the known surgeon in the “surgeons' club” if he's the one that's going to cure me. But I definitely will appreciate the consultation of the doctor who ultimately refers me to that surgeon.
Soulchild04 says
I needed to read a post like this because I find myself guilty of a few of said violations. I am always venting about my problems concerning my wife to a friend, co-worker, someone who is not married or a combination of all, most of them are female. The real issue is that I am not always looking for advice or right guidance but more so validation of my own actions or character. Justification that I was in the right about something and that just maybe my wife is a bit unconcerned about the future of our marriage because of the way she handles any situation we may find ourselves in disagreement (code word for argument) about. I will take the advice that one has left on here and come to BlackandMarriedwithkids.com more often and either share what I found works or gain from what others have found.
Thank you for such a heartfelt posting.
MrG says
Wow, it’s great that you are honest. Your marriage is sacred. Some friends you have to let go, you can’t take them with you because they will destroy what you have.
Paul Byerly says
Eric – Awesome article! Thanks for putting words to something I know in my spirit but had never expressed so clearly.
Tifmicbro says
So this is an interesting article for several reasons. First and foremost it is correct – find people who are a friend to your marriage. THe problem I think me and hubby is having is that we don't have any married friends. My friends are single and his friends are single (the one that isn't I do not care for) and so there isn't anyone we can go and have a double date with and discuss stuff with…While my parents were married for a very long time, since my mothers passing, and due to religious reason, my father doesn't really talk to me..
I'm at a loss as to where to find other young married couples that are trying to do the same as us!
Smokie_001 says
My husband has never hit me, cheated on me to my knowledge, and we've never talked about divorce; therefore, I've never told anyone about our business. We've been married for a few years and this method seems to work wonderfully. Our business is our business and we never have to answer questions or explain anything to anyone. Love it.
mrsfolson says
i am having the same problem with my husband. we have been together 5 years and married for almost one. he has these female “best friends” from his childhood, that i have never met. he has even told me that one will call and ask if im around to make sure that they can talk. he has even went so far as to befriend a former female friend of mine that i have blatantly told him that i do not trust. i have seen messages between them with him saying “you know my wife is crazy…u don’t have to worry about her finding out we’re talking”. i am at my wits end because i don’t trust these females. they have made no efforts to meet me, they know i have a problem with that, and he condones their behavior by letting them know its behind my back. also i have no males friends out of respect for our relationship at my husband’s request. ain’t that something?! any advice?
Inquisitive_eeyip says
I understand what you’re saying, but let me ask are you more upset with these women you do not trust or your husband? Sounds like he’s the motivator.
MrG says
This is great. I am very careful about this. This is my second marriage that I am in now because in my first, I allowed the “woman that was seemingly always there” to creep into my marriage. After about 2 years of talking on the phone, sharing our situations and enjoying each other over the phone, we were in each other’s arms. I have since been divorced and then remarried. Now, I watch out for the traps because they are out there and are very subtle. I do believe we must follow the bible. Now, I ask God to lead me and help me be the husband he would have me to be. I am proud to say, I have been married for 5 plus years now and have been 100% faithful to my lovely wife inspite of the ups and downs. My committment is to not only her but, to God. So, even when she gets on my nerves, I ask God to help me and He does.
Monica Watkins says
This is a fabulous article. As a newlywed, I am soaking up this wisdom from your site. I’d like to say a few things to any “unmarrieds” who may be reading (because I have definitely been following you all since before I married). If you’re seriously praying and preparing (yep, you can prepare for marriage) in hopes that God will, at His perfect time, bless you to marry, you CAN find friends of your marriage BEFORE you ever marry. By the time my wedding day finally arrived, I looked around and all of my closest friends (including all of my sisters) were married women. So I had been watching, learning and soaking in their wisdom about covenant for many years. My bridal party included only one unmarried young lady. And as an unmarried person you CAN be a friend of someone’s marriage. First you may be a friend to the wife (if you’re a woman) or the husband (if you’re a male), but make it your business to befriend the FAMILY. Be available to help with their children. Believe me, if that couple is committed to their marriage, not only your friend, but also the spouse will know if you’re truly a safe friend of their marriage. There have been many times when a married friend has sought me for counsel, but I believe that’s only because they saw/recognized the spirit and reverence God placed in me for marriage. They saw my sincere desire to protect covenant and my belief in the institution of marriage. I could go on. This article really sparked something in me. Thank you so much for sharing wisdom on marriage. I pray it will be around as a reference for me and my marriage for years to come.
jack girl says
I am single, however my parents 46 happy years of marriage has taught me a lot. They passed within months of each other. Their key ingredient is to put GOD front and centre of your marriage.Firstly he designed marriage, he knows what you are going through better than anyone else.