by Tara Pringle Jefferson
I don’t want to put my husband on blast, but for most of our relationship (6+ plus years) I’ve felt his apologies have been lackluster.
Now, I’m not asking that he get down on bended knee with a tray of brownies (yum) and a bouquet of lillies, and beg my forgiveness. One, our arguments have never been that deep, and two, that’s a bit much, don’tcha think?
Instead my husband was King of the “I’m sorry you felt that way.” Ugh! Drove me crazy that every apology seemed to have a hint of “Boy, you’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
But this year, I had a breakthrough. I wanted us to keep growing in our marriage but if we could never really get past our disagreements (if I was still hurting after the conversation was over), then how could we grow?
So my husband and I sat down and we talked. And we talked. And we talked. And when we finished talking? We talked some more. And we finally got to the bottom of his weak apologies:
It was me.
Now, no one was more shocked than I was. I discovered that the reason my husband never apologized for the real issue that was bothering me was because I NEVER TOLD HIM THE REAL ISSUE.
Say, for instance, we had a disagreement about him inviting people over to the house (and expecting me to cook and entertain) without asking me first. I would voice my disapproval about it and ask that he keep me in the loop. He would say, “I’m sorry you feel I don’t keep you in the loop even though you knew three weeks ago I wanted to invite the guys over….” And then we’d be back where we started.
But the real problem wasn’t that he invited people over, it’s that I value my weekends and my downtime and I felt he wasn’t respecting that. But would I tell him that? No. Hence the apologies that didn’t feel real because he was apologizing for the WRONG PROBLEM. Duh!
So what do we do now?
1) Dig deeper and figure out what you’re REALLY arguing about. Sometimes we let small problems become our focus when our real beef is much larger. Our outrage about the socks on the floor is really just a symptom of our larger issue with you confusing us with the maid. If you’re upset that your wife doesn’t wear sexy lingerie, are you really upset that your sexual frequency has decreased?
2) Use words the other can understand and grasp. As I’ve learned, you can’t get a quality apology (and therefore move on from the situation) until you voice a concrete concern. I used to say to my husband all the time that my feelings were hurt. “My feelings were hurt when you blah blah blah…” But he never really understood what I meant. So I had to change it to “I felt disrespected when you blah blah blah…” It’s a subtle difference, but I learned what words have impact with my husband and now I use those.
3) If you can voice what’s wrong in one sentence, use one sentence. I ramble when I’m upset. I go on and on and on about why I feel hurt and what I think we should do and all the while I see my husband’s eyes glazing over. Then that creates another problem because I’m upset he’s not listening! But who can blame him? I had to learn to get straight to the point so he could understand, apologize quickly and we could move on.
We’re still not perfect, but we’re making the effort to love each better. That includes learning to apologize like we mean it.
BMWK family – do you give genuine apologies? Does your spouse? How are you trying to do better?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
mrs ryans to be says
what a great read!! this really hit home for me, and gives me alot to consider and modify in my relationship. my fiancee will tell you that i frequently say “my feelings were hurt…” and he too doesn’t get it or has no idea how to reply so he just says “sorry”. and i struggle with accepting that as sincere. thanks so much for the suggestion to be more specific–“i feel disrespected when…”, “i do not feel appreciated when…” etc. this is definitely advice that i will put into practice as well as just getting right to the point! men don’t want all the fluff, just give them the issue so that they can try to resolve it. thanks again!!
EPayne says
I think I do…now. I used to fall into that category of “sorry you took it that way” or “that’s not what I meant” essentially putting my good intentions over my spouses hurt feelings. And in some cases it is an issue of how things are taken versus what actually happened, but more times than not, if I’m wrong, I’m just wrong not matter what I intended to do. I try to be pretty straight up about that now. The new problem I ran into once I made this turn is that now that I apologize clean and quickly it is rarely accepted. Not to put my wife on blast but if she is wrong for something and apologizes she immediately wants to move on, have dinner, go to the movies, etc. not let her wrong get in the way. But if I’ve done wrong and genuinely apologize, taking complete responsibility I either get, “why apologize if you’re going to do it again?” or “you keep apologizing for the same thing” (both of these leave me scratching my head) or she has to go through her paces, work it out of her system. Hours and maybe even a day can pass and I’m waiting for us to move on, if at all. So I definitely believe that apologizing must be a reciprocal thing, given and accepted. I’m trying to do better by keeping it on me and not her and keeping it short and sweet.
HarrietH says
When I give apologies, they are genuine. But I’ll be honest with you: it used to take a lot for me to admit any wrong doing, ESPECIALLY if I felt like I was being done wrong.
Now I’ve matured to the point where regardless of whether or not I get an apology, I own up to the role I played in the disagreement or misunderstanding (read: FIGHT). I can influence Mr. Incredible to own up to his part, but to try to control or manipulate him by getting an attitude or acting out my frustration is just childish.
And yes, we’re both trying to do better. In fact, we checked out “The Five Languages of Apology” from the library so we could listen to it. More to follow on that, maybe.
Latashahawkins01 says
I really like this article. It enlightened me.
Anonymous says
See Tara, there you go again with another great post chock full of transparency. Thank you! I really admire you for that.
Its one thing to know what works, its entirely something else to practice it consistently.
We are also currently working on the way we argue. Its strange for me to have a man (more emotional) that likes to rant -vent-lecture-monologue (searching for a positive term for this) when he gets upset. It takes all the love and concern I have for him to stay in a calm place with this. I’m a ‘cut to the chase’ type of person and its a new thing for me to be with someone like him. I’m slooowly realizing that sometimes being loving means allowing him to feel like he is being heard. I’m getting better at staying in the moment and really listening to what he is saying without commentary (internal or otherwise). And I appreciate how he is challenging me to be a better person in the way I recognize my wrongdoing and how I offer apologies to him and by extension other people.
The 5 languages of apology. Thanks for the new reference HarriettH! Is that like the 5 love languages cuz I just love that book! Headed to the online catalog now to check on that title.
Anonymous says
I enjoyed your it was very insightful an intersing. It teaches alot about how 2 be a better wife and husband. THANKS 4 KEEPIN IT REAL. KEEP SPEAKING THE TRUTH. LORD KNOWS WE NEED 2 HEAR MORE OF IT. Thanks. Lol. BMWK. BOSS LADY.